Just how wrong am I..??

[Maistre Gracey]

Really enjoy my in laws company, but…
For the last several years they are intruding on our space.

They live in upstate NY. We use to live in Connecticut, roughly a 2 1/2 hour drive. They would visit (or visa- versa) a couple times a year for a few days. The buffer between us was perfect.

We moved to Florida 10 years ago, and now they visit a couple times a year for a couple weeks at a clip.
I truly like them, but I don’t want them living in my house. Drives me absolutely nuts.

Now they bought a condo 10 minutes away in Florida.
Good point is they won’t be in the house. Bad point is NO MORE BUFFER ZONE.

Major argument about this tonight. Wife PO’d at me, and the in-laws…??? Well not good. I told them this was our sanctuary, and they should not intrude.

I realize some families want to be tight-knit, but that is not my style.

Not sure I can handle it. I need my space, not Sunday dinners (or more) with the In-laws.

I’m super-duper stressed.

Thoughts?

 

[barkley]

do they call and clear it before showing up? we had to institute and enforce a call first to see if it's o.k. to come over policy with dh's parents when we first married b/c they would just drop in out of the blue. if that's the way they 'roll' or your wife has granted them an open door policy then it's something you have to negotiate with her on.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Not wrong, you are entitled to your alone time but maybe wrong in not recognizing it and holding it in until you blurted it out.

What about clearing the air with spouse and in-laws by explaining that you understand their bond but as a person you need your own space and that maybe it would be a better solution for your spouse to go to their home with the frequency they enjoy so you can have the down time you require. No reason the bonding needs to be at your home if they have one, your wife can go there as often as she likes.

If this doesn't work just find a hobby or task you need to do to create your own barrier like stopping at Home Depot, working in your yard, fishing which I suspect has nothing to do with fish, same thing with golf. I see men sitting quietly in their boats reading their paper all the time and assume this is just to get some peace and quiet. Personally, I used to do a lot of grocery shopping. Eventually your spouse will get the drift and will balance.

Some people just require more alone time than others, it isn't an insult or a rejection it's just that we are all different and maybe you didn't know this about yourself until now but there it is.

 

[John VN]

time for a Personal MAN CAVE in the house

 

[LoveDaisy]

What sort of conversation did you have with your wife before they moved? Did you discuss what having them 10 minutes from you means and how this will change when they live that close? Did you then relay this conversation to your in laws, before they moved? How did your in laws react to this conversation?

 

[Disneylover99]

Seeing them is inevitable, but maybe you won’t see them as much as you anticipate. Your wife can easily pop by their place any time and go out with them for meals/shopping, etc…. from time to time.

I don’t think the expectation should be that you always have to go as well.

 

[buzzrelly]

Really enjoy my in laws company, but…
For the last several years they are intruding on our space.

They live in upstate NY. We use to live in Connecticut, roughly a 2 1/2 hour drive. They would visit (or visa- versa) a couple times a year for a few days. The buffer between us was perfect.

We moved to Florida 10 years ago, and now they visit a couple times a year for a couple weeks at a clip.
I truly like them, but I don’t want them living in my house. Drives me absolutely nuts.

Now they bought a condo 10 minutes away in Florida.
Good point is they won’t be in the house. Bad point is NO MORE BUFFER ZONE.

Major argument about this tonight. Wife PO’d at me, and the in-laws…??? Well not good. I told them this was our sanctuary, and they should not intrude.

I realize some families want to be tight-knit, but that is not my style.

Not sure I can handle it. I need my space, not Sunday dinners (or more) with the In-laws.

I’m super-duper stressed.

Thoughts?

Not sure what you're asking...are they only coming once a week for dinner? If so then that seems reasonable to me. Your wife is obviously close with them and wants to spend time with them. Can she go to their house to spend time and leave you home?

 

[Miffy]

OP, I don't have any advice for you, but I absolutely get your feelings on this. For me, anyway, it's not just a matter of alone time or privacy--although those are necessary and important to me--but it's also that my home is my sanctuary, a place where I am totally comfortable. DH and I do not have an open-door policy and I would never want one.

Edited for typo

 

[sam_gordon]

I don't think you're wrong in wanting alone (or spouse) time.

This is a discussion you need to have with your wife. And it needs to be over:
* How often they should be allowed at the house?
* What notification (if any) they should give you before dropping by?
* What your requirements are to "entertain" them. If you were planning on watching something on TV, or taking a nap, or doing yardwork, should you be expected to drop what you're doing to visit with them?

And it might be a mixture. Maybe having them call and you can say "sorry, I was going to do 'x', maybe tomorrow?" would suffice. Or maybe she visits with them while you do whatever you were going to do.

You and your wife really need to be a united front. Once you two settle on what the expectations are, then you both discuss with the in laws.

 

[kdonnel]

My in laws live in the basement. It was not something I thought would work out at all. What has made it work is my wife and I being on the same page on how much involvement the in laws should have in our lives.

I think you and your wife need to have a serious, non emotional, conversation where you lay out your expectations, she lays out her expectations, and you two reach a compromise.

That is the easy conversation.

Then you have to have the hard conversation with the in laws. Again it should be not an emotional conversation and should clearly explain the expectations of the relationship.

Then the most important part is that you and your wife need to truly backup the other. When a line is crossed, your wife needs to have your back and vice versa. This is the only way it works and only works if a compromise was worked out between you and your wife.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

I think your wife just needs to go visit her parents w/o you sometimes. Then that keeps them in their house but they still get to see their daughter. That's what DH and I do when I visit my parents. They live about 45 mins away and I visit them every other week. DH will go with maybe every 3rd time. My parents also come here maybe once a month.

 

[mjkacmom]

Do they live in Florida, or is this a second home? My parents passed away, but they lived 1/2 mile away from us (we live in the same town we grew up in, in H’s childhood home). I saw my parents pretty much every day, they popped in all of the time, door was open so they’d walk in (same for us at their house). We were find with it (they were second parents to our kids, even drove carpools, kids had bedrooms in their home). Why can’t your wife visit them at the condo?

 

[tvguy]

Do they live in Florida, or is this a second home? My parents passed away, but they lived 1/2 mile away from us (we live in the same town we grew up in, in H’s childhood home). I saw my parents pretty much every day, they popped in all of the time, door was open so they’d walk in (same for us at their house). We were find with it (they were second parents to our kids, even drove carpools, kids had bedrooms in their home). Why can’t your wife visit them at the condo?

You kind of touched on my thoughts. My in laws have gone for over 25 years. Well, my MIL and her husband who lived six miles from us. Did they drive me nuts? Yes. Do I miss them coming over? Yes. So OP, try to make the best of it because their time with you is limited.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My hunch is that the OP is more meaning that they feel like the in-laws intentionally purchased the property so close so as to be near them. It wouldn't be such a leap to see it could be a recurring theme. I don't know that this is necessarily about space within the person's home but rather having access to them.

We've lived within 5 mins of my in-laws (not intentionally) and initially I was worried there might be random pop bys, increasing pushes to come by, etc but then it didn't quite happen that way and it wasn't bad. Then we moved within about 10 mins of my in-laws (not intentionally but it was the plot of land we had found to build our house) and again I was worried about it but it didn't happen that way.

Between these two situations at most for a while we did do a for the most part weekly dinner switching between the houses but eventually lives got busy and that dropped off.

Eventually a bit before the pandemic in-laws moved roughly 25 mins away from us to the more rural parts and it led to much less get togethers. It's not convenient at all to go over there often not to mention how they have chosen to keep their house and for a while it was a construction zone in a haphazard way (the main bathroom took far too long by not hiring a professional for example). With that move things like going out to eat now took 25 to 30mins to get to the nearest area of actual food, there's no shopping or activities to go to, etc. Of course the in-laws still want us to come over and get together but it was their choice as well to move to a place that was more what they wanted but logistically and practically not good for anyone else (for example it was 45 mins away from the other sister-in-law).

I agree with others that the wife can visit her family without the OP, that's seems very fair but I also think there should be a discussion between the spouses about the larger issue that seems more of the problem. In this case I think an adjustment can occur on both sides. Otherwise resentment from both parties (the OP and their wife) might occur.

 

[Christine]

OP, you're not wrong. Just sounds like your wife weren't quite on the same page. Sounds like she's encouraging them to be closer by and you weren't quite wanting that.

That said, my parents are very close by and I actually don't see them much. If they lived farther away, we'd being doing the visits and having them as houseguests, so this kind of works out.

I think in the long-term scheme of things this will probably be a better move overall. As they continue to age, you won't be so far from them that their aging and issues really disrupt your life. I think you just need some ground rules about them popping over. Also, I agree with others that your wife can go spend quality time with them on her own.

 

[neverlandsky]

You're not wrong. However, this is wife's arena to step up healthy boundaries with her parents. Otherwise, you're the bad guy with both wife and her parents.

If you like space and routine, I would suggest to wife, i.e. like every 1st Sunday or weekend of the month, we'll host in-laws over for brunch or dinner. Holidays and birthdays they are always welcomed unless there's a certain time period blocked out where you exclusively want that to yourselves.

Throughout the month you guys can also meet in a public place for get togethers as they are shorter time frame wise, less mess & hosting duties, etc.

Talk to wife and tell her it's not only about you, but also about experiences as a nuclear family/spouse time.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

In-law politics and relationships will be the death of us all.

I have no advice, but I totally understand what you are dealing with.

 

[goofyernmost]

I would know what to say if they actually become a burden, not before.

What most people don't understand is that they possibly don't really want to see you more than that buffer allowed either. After all it was just 2.5 hours away when they were in Upstate NY and they only did it a few times a year. I love my children, in fact I moved from Vermont to NC when I retired to be near them, but I have never spent too much time with them on a yearly basis nor did I stay with them when I lived close. You folks get on our nerves as much as we on yours, maybe more.

You might be worried about a situation that will not exist and only moderate visiting will occur and then it might just be for a few hours and they they will be gone. Try to think ahead. They will only be around for a brief period more and there is a good chance that when that happens you will be missing them. They didn't sound like they were awful, as I try not to me. Personally I have never refused an invitation. One of them is every Sunday for dinner, the other I have gone of vacations with and have been asked to every birthday, anniversary, graduations and played golf weekly with them as well. I have never just "dropped in". I find that lets them live their life and I to live mine. The real test will come when or if I get sickly and need their help. That's when the best of them will rise to the top. I freaking hope.

They naturally stayed longer after you moved because you don't travel from NY to Florida, visit for two hours and then just go home. You might be surprised and both you and they and especially your spouse will be happier.