Just how wrong am I..??

[Maistre Gracey]

Really enjoy my in laws company, but…
For the last several years they are intruding on our space.

They live in upstate NY. We use to live in Connecticut, roughly a 2 1/2 hour drive. They would visit (or visa- versa) a couple times a year for a few days. The buffer between us was perfect.

We moved to Florida 10 years ago, and now they visit a couple times a year for a couple weeks at a clip.
I truly like them, but I don’t want them living in my house. Drives me absolutely nuts.

Now they bought a condo 10 minutes away in Florida.
Good point is they won’t be in the house. Bad point is NO MORE BUFFER ZONE.

Major argument about this tonight. Wife PO’d at me, and the in-laws…??? Well not good. I told them this was our sanctuary, and they should not intrude.

I realize some families want to be tight-knit, but that is not my style.

Not sure I can handle it. I need my space, not Sunday dinners (or more) with the In-laws.

I’m super-duper stressed.

Thoughts?

 

[barkley]

do they call and clear it before showing up? we had to institute and enforce a call first to see if it's o.k. to come over policy with dh's parents when we first married b/c they would just drop in out of the blue. if that's the way they 'roll' or your wife has granted them an open door policy then it's something you have to negotiate with her on.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Not wrong, you are entitled to your alone time but maybe wrong in not recognizing it and holding it in until you blurted it out.

What about clearing the air with spouse and in-laws by explaining that you understand their bond but as a person you need your own space and that maybe it would be a better solution for your spouse to go to their home with the frequency they enjoy so you can have the down time you require. No reason the bonding needs to be at your home if they have one, your wife can go there as often as she likes.

If this doesn't work just find a hobby or task you need to do to create your own barrier like stopping at Home Depot, working in your yard, fishing which I suspect has nothing to do with fish, same thing with golf. I see men sitting quietly in their boats reading their paper all the time and assume this is just to get some peace and quiet. Personally, I used to do a lot of grocery shopping. Eventually your spouse will get the drift and will balance.

Some people just require more alone time than others, it isn't an insult or a rejection it's just that we are all different and maybe you didn't know this about yourself until now but there it is.

 

[John VN]

time for a Personal MAN CAVE in the house

 

[LoveDaisy]

What sort of conversation did you have with your wife before they moved? Did you discuss what having them 10 minutes from you means and how this will change when they live that close? Did you then relay this conversation to your in laws, before they moved? How did your in laws react to this conversation?

 

[Disneylover99]

Seeing them is inevitable, but maybe you won’t see them as much as you anticipate. Your wife can easily pop by their place any time and go out with them for meals/shopping, etc…. from time to time.

I don’t think the expectation should be that you always have to go as well.

 

[buzzrelly]

Really enjoy my in laws company, but…
For the last several years they are intruding on our space.

They live in upstate NY. We use to live in Connecticut, roughly a 2 1/2 hour drive. They would visit (or visa- versa) a couple times a year for a few days. The buffer between us was perfect.

We moved to Florida 10 years ago, and now they visit a couple times a year for a couple weeks at a clip.
I truly like them, but I don’t want them living in my house. Drives me absolutely nuts.

Now they bought a condo 10 minutes away in Florida.
Good point is they won’t be in the house. Bad point is NO MORE BUFFER ZONE.

Major argument about this tonight. Wife PO’d at me, and the in-laws…??? Well not good. I told them this was our sanctuary, and they should not intrude.

I realize some families want to be tight-knit, but that is not my style.

Not sure I can handle it. I need my space, not Sunday dinners (or more) with the In-laws.

I’m super-duper stressed.

Thoughts?

Not sure what you're asking...are they only coming once a week for dinner? If so then that seems reasonable to me. Your wife is obviously close with them and wants to spend time with them. Can she go to their house to spend time and leave you home?

 

[Miffy]

OP, I don't have any advice for you, but I absolutely get your feelings on this. For me, anyway, it's not just a matter of alone time or privacy--although those are necessary and important to me--but it's also that my home is my sanctuary, a place where I am totally comfortable. DH and I do not have an open-door policy and I would never want one.

Edited for typo

 

[sam_gordon]

I don't think you're wrong in wanting alone (or spouse) time.

This is a discussion you need to have with your wife. And it needs to be over:
* How often they should be allowed at the house?
* What notification (if any) they should give you before dropping by?
* What your requirements are to "entertain" them. If you were planning on watching something on TV, or taking a nap, or doing yardwork, should you be expected to drop what you're doing to visit with them?

And it might be a mixture. Maybe having them call and you can say "sorry, I was going to do 'x', maybe tomorrow?" would suffice. Or maybe she visits with them while you do whatever you were going to do.

You and your wife really need to be a united front. Once you two settle on what the expectations are, then you both discuss with the in laws.

 

[kdonnel]

My in laws live in the basement. It was not something I thought would work out at all. What has made it work is my wife and I being on the same page on how much involvement the in laws should have in our lives.

I think you and your wife need to have a serious, non emotional, conversation where you lay out your expectations, she lays out her expectations, and you two reach a compromise.

That is the easy conversation.

Then you have to have the hard conversation with the in laws. Again it should be not an emotional conversation and should clearly explain the expectations of the relationship.

Then the most important part is that you and your wife need to truly backup the other. When a line is crossed, your wife needs to have your back and vice versa. This is the only way it works and only works if a compromise was worked out between you and your wife.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

I think your wife just needs to go visit her parents w/o you sometimes. Then that keeps them in their house but they still get to see their daughter. That's what DH and I do when I visit my parents. They live about 45 mins away and I visit them every other week. DH will go with maybe every 3rd time. My parents also come here maybe once a month.