Just a quick vent....

[mjkacmom]

I'm also shocked at some of the responses you are getting. We had a 3 year infertility battle before I got pg the 1st time, only to m/c. It took almost exactly a year from the 1st time I got pregnant, for me to get pregnant with DD. Although a m/c is horrible for anyone, I think the struggle of trying so long to get pg only to lose it, may make a m/c even harder for those of us who have had that experience. Like you, I didn't know if I would ever be lucky enough to have it happen again. Hang in there and don't give up. 35 isn't old. I do agree with the posters that said that maybe your DH and family didn't say anything because they did not want to put a damper on your DD's birthday or upset you. I think you should talk to your DH about how you are feeling. He may even be wondering why you did not acknowledge the date yesterday. Maybe he just thinks you didn't want to talk about it, or you would have brought it up.

To be fair, the OP didn't initially state that she was having fertility issues. There is a big difference between having a m/c after having a hard time getting pregnant, and having an early m/c when you have no issues. I have a friend who had a m/c at 8 weeks. She had used her last frozen embryos, which resulted in a pregnancy. I was so sad for her, and it took her a while to get over it. After having 2 babies in 2 years (irish twins), my sister had 2 (very) early m/c's, and she was annoyed, not sad (she wanted a winter baby, ended up with a spring baby). It depends on the circumstance, and the person.

Honestly, I can't even remember my nieces and nephews birthdays - I'd never remember a due date.

 

[mom4graceandlogan]

I understand what you are feeling. I think you should try a bulletin board like babycenter to share and find people to understand. Family just does not get it. Husbands get it to an extent. I have had four miscarraiges including a late m/c, I have three kids. I think fertility issues make it worse. I remember the due date of each. The worst was my late m/c as my best friend had a baby boy 5 weeks later. We had been pregnant together. Now I hold her son and know my son should be the same age. She could barely speak to me for a while b/c she did not know what to say.The What if's never go away, but do get easier. After my late m/c where my husband and I had to go in and deliver, I took a year off of trying to get myself mentally back in check. I know that with fertility issues you don;t have the luxury of waiting. I get pregnant real easy, just hard to stay pregnant. Early M/c are harder if you struggled to get pregnant. Last summer, while in the process of adopting I found out I was pregnant with a boy. I never thought I would stay pregnant. I was wrong, my 9 month old is pulling at my legs write now while I type. Hang in there, take as much time as you need to grieve, try to find people that have been through it. Talk to your husband. Don't expect him to feel the same, just ask that he hear you. I'm 39 so there is hope after 35.

 

[palavra]

To be fair, the OP didn't initially state that she was having fertility issues. There is a big difference between having a m/c after having a hard time getting pregnant, and having an early m/c when you have no issues. I have a friend who had a m/c at 8 weeks. She had used her last frozen embryos, which resulted in a pregnancy. I was so sad for her, and it took her a while to get over it. After having 2 babies in 2 years (irish twins), my sister had 2 (very) early m/c's, and she was annoyed, not sad (she wanted a winter baby, ended up with a spring baby). It depends on the circumstance, and the person.

Honestly, I can't even remember my nieces and nephews birthdays - I'd never remember a due date.

Actually, no, there isn't a big difference in a person who has fertility issues and one who doesn't. In each case, they both lost a pregnancy. It isn't necessarily a greater loss for the one having fertility issues. I can assure you that I was not annoyed at the three losses I had, and ,no, I didn't have fertility issues at the time.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I got pregnant with my DS right after trying but when DH and I tried to get pregnant with our 2nd I had loads of problems.

It took me a year to get pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. I remember that due date because it was my grandmothers birthday who passed and thought how nice it would be to have another baby on her birthday, but it was not meant to be.

After another 6 months of trying, another miscarriage, and then another 6 months after that I finally got pregnant with DD who is 6.

I mourned those miscarriages at the time but really don't think about them much anymore. And I would never expect my husband or my mom to remember. Its not that they didn't care. Its just that it was only 9 weeks into the pregnancy. If I was further along, I know it would have effected me in a different way.

I know I feel differently than alot of woman. People mourn in different ways, but I seriously don't expect anyone to bring it up, or express a sentiment to me about my past miscarriages.

I am sorry though you are going through this difficult time.

 

[pklein09]

I know how you feel, and words can not express anything that can make you feel better. It's just a very emotional thing. I am blessed to have 4 healthy children. In between DD11 and DS9 (children #3 and #4), I lost one in my 12th week, just past that first trimester mark. I was devestated, as was DH. I miscarried the day before DD11's 1st birthday, and my due date was Mother's Day. Not only do I shed my tears on Halloween (the day I m/c), but Mother's Day is not the happiest of days either because it should be a birthday celebration. We don't make a fuss of Mother's Day, and DH understands. It's been 10 years, and I still grieve. Not nearly like I did the first year, but I take my moment, shed my tears, and pray for my child in heaven. DH remembers when he sees me in tears and hugs me. He's more sensitive than most, but I don't think he would remember if it wasn't for me. No one else in the family remembers, and that's okay.

Hugs and prayers....Michelle

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I have to interject this, b/c I JUST NOW noticed it, but someone has taken it upon themselves to change my tagline, and here I am posting all this and had not even noticed.

I do think that whomever did it was so funny in doing so!!


So you can take my tagline's advice or not, and I'm not talking about the Gorillapod.

LOL, that is too funny!


Sorry for the OT.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd bring up your concerns to your loved ones to air things out.

Wishing you lots of success and velcro vibes in the future! Take care.

 

[mjkacmom]

Actually, no, there isn't a big difference in a person who has fertility issues and one who doesn't. In each case, they both lost a pregnancy. It isn't necessarily a greater loss for the one having fertility issues. I can assure you that I was not annoyed at the three losses I had, and ,no, I didn't have fertility issues at the time.

And that's how you feel. I've known women who've had early m/c's, and it was hard on them, and I've known others who were disappointed, but didn't feel a big loss. Regardless, I don't think the OP should expect others to remember the due date. And yes, I did feel much worse for those who m/c after having a hard time getting pregnant.

 

[sl_underwood]

I am sorry for your loss. It is very hard when family and friends are not supportive in the way we want them to be. I have suffered so many miscarriages, been to fetility specialists, and held two premature infants who I knew wouldnt live more than a few moments. It is probably the hardest, most emotionally draining thing for a mother to go through. Friends and family want to say the right thing. They want to be supportive but most dont know how. They dont know what to say, and they know there is nothing they can say that will ease your pain so they say nothing. Before my husband and I went through grief counseling together (our fertility clinic recommended it) I was so angry at him. I felt like he didnt care about our loss because he didnt talk about it. It caused problems with our marriage that our counselor helped us through. He had immense guilt, believing himself to be responsible for our sons death and our inability to have a healthy baby. Talking about it hurt to much. Instead, he thought by saying nothing he was helping us both move on. He would plan things, try and keep us busy, thinking he was helping when all I wanted to do was mourn my loss. Talk to your husband. You might just find that he is suffering too. IF you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me. I have been where you are and I am more than willing to offer support.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I know in time it won't be quite as painful. I just had my miscarriage in April of this year though. Hopefully next year it's a little easier and the next year even easier. However knowing that right now I should have a newborn baby is hard. Thanks for all the kind words. I really am trying to just move past it and really don't want to dwell on it so I don't want to bring it up to my family....I was just disappointed that I'm the only one that seems to remember in my immediate family.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

find someone to talk to. Maybe the gf who sent you the note?

 

[Nicoleclaw]

I also am a bit surprised at some of the responses.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I was due the same day as one of my friends, both our second child. I lost that one at 12 weeks. I had another loss after that as well. I really hurt me when I wasn't pregnant again when the friend had her baby. I also had close relatives and other friends get pg and give birth while I was waiting. In time it does get better.
SOmeone suggested seeking out boards specifically for loss. I know they helped me.

 

[frtchr]

I'm sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage early in my first pregnancy, and I conceived DD two weeks later. I'm beyond grateful for both of my children, but I still think about the m/c all the time. The loss date and my due date are really hard, but sometimes, the thought of it creeps into everday, random moments. I don't think my DH remembers either day unless I remind him, but I sort of prefer to hug it to myself. I can remember and mourn in my own way. I hope things work out for you, OP!

 

[nmmom95]

I know in time it won't be quite as painful. I just had my miscarriage in April of this year though. Hopefully next year it's a little easier and the next year even easier. However knowing that right now I should have a newborn baby is hard. Thanks for all the kind words. I really am trying to just move past it and really don't want to dwell on it so I don't want to bring it up to my family....I was just disappointed that I'm the only one that seems to remember in my immediate family.

I lost a baby at 31 weeks. He lived half a day. I know how hard it is, because the the way your life was supposed to be is just gone. I'm sorry for your loss. In time, it gets easier, but you will never forget. It's been almost 8 years for me. The only piece of advice I have is to not judge your DH to harshly. I would guess that it more comes from being unsure of how to act than uncaring.

 

[JUJU814]

And that's how you feel. I've known women who've had early m/c's, and it was hard on them, and I've known others who were disappointed, but didn't feel a big loss. Regardless, I don't think the OP should expect others to remember the due date. And yes, I did feel much worse for those who m/c after having a hard time getting pregnant.

wow! How very sad.

A loss is a loss..whether you are experiencing infertility or already have 5 kids like yourself. It doesn't negate the precious life that started in the womb.

While I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the due date, I would expect dh to.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and the grief you are feeling. I have been there and know how you feel. Dh and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years and finally did..only for it to end in miscarriage. It then took us another 2 years for our son.

I'm sorry for some of the insensitive replies you've received.

 

[mjkacmom]

wow! How very sad.

A loss is a loss..whether you are experiencing infertility or already have 5 kids like yourself. It doesn't negate the precious life that started in the womb.

While I wouldn't expect anyone to remember the due date, I would expect dh to.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and the grief you are feeling. I have been there and know how you feel. Dh and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years and finally did..only for it to end in miscarriage. It then took us another 2 years for our son.

I'm sorry for some of the insensitive replies you've received.

I'm sorry if I sound uncaring - I just happen to be a very realistic person. One in four pregnancies end in m/c - it's not a loss of a life, because biologically it never would've been a life. Most of the time, these doomed pregnancies end before attaching to the uterus. Thanks to these crazy early HPT's, many more women believe they are going to have a baby, when in fact they're not. I've seen many women bounce back from m/c's if they get pregnant soon after. I've also seen marriages fail after fertility problems.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I'm sorry if I sound uncaring - I just happen to be a very realistic person. One in four pregnancies end in m/c - it's not a loss of a life, because biologically it never would've been a life. Most of the time, these doomed pregnancies end before attaching to the uterus. Thanks to these crazy early HPT's, many more women believe they are going to have a baby, when in fact they're not. I've seen many women bounce back from m/c's if they get pregnant soon after. I've also seen marriages fail after fertility problems.

I agree. I'm not uncaring, its just that I am not as caught up in my m/c's as some woman are. And I did have fertitlity problems also.

I feel as pp. It was early. It was not something I did, it was just not meant to be. If I would have actually delivered the baby or been further along, there would be no question my feelings would be totally different. Plus with being so early, I would never expect DH to remember my m/c dates or my potential due dates. I only remember 1 and thats only because it was tied into something special in my life.

I realize not all woman feel as I do when they m/c early. I express my sympathy to the OP. I also feel, she needs someone to talk to someone who can help her with her feelings.

 

[Trixie15]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been there and it really does hurt when it seems like you are the only one left who remembers what should have been.

 

[disneygoof]

I'm sorry if I sound uncaring....

I don't believe you are sorry. A Maybe-Baby?!?!?!? So incredibly offensive. Spoken like someone who never had a miscarriage. Save your spew for something you know something about. The woman said she was hurting and you are piling it on.

OP, I understand, have been there, and have had incredibly insensitive things said to me on anniversaries and just everydays as well. I know it's hurtful, and there's no way to help those who are caught up in themselves and not aware of your pain. I recommend finding some way to remember your baby. I have a special box where I keep my ultrasound pictures and try to take a few minutes to be with the babies spiritually on the duedates and lossdates.

And I try to stay away from my MIL on one particular anniversary because it falls on a ridiculously minor holiday that she makes a huge deal about when she is reminded by her son every year that it's a painful thing for me.

It must be hard for you to have to celebrate a birthday of all things on that day, and I know that you're mourning all the lost dreams, including that of birthdays that would be shared with your two children. I think if I were in your shoes I would try to find another day to make the lost baby's day, maybe the loss date or the day you found out you were pregnant.

I also get that when you said you were supposed to have "another child" you meant your child, the child that wasn't meant to be. I hope it's a "this time" and and you'll be blessed with another baby before long.

Take care of you.

 

[JUJU814]

I'm sorry if I sound uncaring - I just happen to be a very realistic person. One in four pregnancies end in m/c - it's not a loss of a life, because biologically it never would've been a life. Most of the time, these doomed pregnancies end before attaching to the uterus. Thanks to these crazy early HPT's, many more women believe they are going to have a baby, when in fact they're not. I've seen many women bounce back from m/c's if they get pregnant soon after. I've also seen marriages fail after fertility problems.

I guess that totally depends on one's point of view as to what life is and when it begins, which is a whole other topic..and a whole other message board!