Joke Thread

[Tinkerbelle739]

Ok, my husband sent me this joke this morning and I could not resist posting it here! Please add any jokes you may have to this thread, but keep them clean please. I think we could all use a laugh now and then!!



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde called her old boyfriend and said,
"Please come over here and help me. I have
a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out
or how to get it started."

Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed
to be when it's finished?" The blonde said,
"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help
with the puzzle. She let him in and showed
him where she had the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked
at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of
all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you
to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate
and then............",

he sighed, ..
>
> ........
>
> .......
>
> .......
>
> .......
>
> ......
>
"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

 

[SorcMickey]

Omg

 

[debbiedoo]

ok I have one:

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

[dippydawg]

Let me start by saying that I have nothing against blondes. I'm married to one and she is one of the smartest people I know.

That being said, I heard this the other day and thought it was pretty funny.


A blonde is sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper. She sees a headline that reads "12 Brazillian soldiers killed in fighting".

"Oh my God! That's terrible!" she says.

She turns to the gentleman sitting next to her and asks "Excuse me, sir? How many is a brazillian?"

 

[NJ Mike]

Lots of blondes in my family too but....

Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies?
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Because it takes too long to peel the m&m's .

 

[debbiedoo]

I am a blonde btw and you get use of the blondes jokes in life--

 

[NJ Mike]

OK one more.



A man who lives in michigan flew in from a business trip directly to a hotel in arizona where he was meeting his wife the next day for a week long vacation. He wanted to send an e-mail to his wife back at home so he used the computer in the hotel lobby and fired one off to her real quick.

What he didnt realize was that he had mispelled one letter in the e-mail address and his e-mail mistakenly was sent to another woman.

The woman who received the e-mail was in ohio, and was a widow who had just buried her husband that morning and decided to check her e-mail when she got home later that night.

The woman read the e-mail, and fell over dead from a heart attack on the spot.


What did the e-mail say?



" Hi honey,

Just wanted to let you know that I had a good trip and got here ok. It's not quite what I had expected, and boy it sure is hot down here. Everything is all set for your arrival tomorrow. See you then.

Love,
Me"

 

[Disneyfreak92]

Too funny Moussedude!

OK, I have one for the ladies.

A man dies, and when he arrives in heaven, God allows the man to ask him three questions.

So man asks,
"God, why did you make women so kind?"

God responds,
"So you'd like them."

The man says,
"OK, well why did you make women so pretty?"

God responds,
"So you'd like them."

And the man asks,
"OK, but why did you make women so dumb?"

And God responds,
.
.
.
.
.
"So they'd like you."

 

[pumpkinfish]

Woot woot! Great idea for a thread

As soon as I can think of some clean jokes, I will make sure to post

 

[marypops!]

ok

there's a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, santa and the tooth fairy who picks up the $20 note from the floor?














the dumb blonde as the others don't exist

 

[dippydawg]

In an effort to take the heat off the blondes, I have a joke that takes a shot at people like myself.


Two incredibly handsome brown haired men are standing on the shore of a river and it's starting to get dark.

The first incredibly handsome brown haired man says, "We need to get across this river before it gets too dark. What are we going to do?"

The second incredibly handsome brown haired man says, "I know. I'll shine my flashlight across the river to the other side, and you can crawl across on the beam of light."

The first incredibly handsome brown haired man then says, "Do you think I'm an idiot? I'll get halfway across and you'll shut it off!"

 

[HollyJoy]

Omg Bella, that is too funny! Frosted Flakes!

 

[The Wolf]

Ok here are a few.

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"





There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"





A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body.

"That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!"

She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face.
She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.

"Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body.

The bad news is, you've broken your finger."



Thank you I'll be here all week, try the chicken and don't forget to tip your waitress.

 

[tinkattitude!]

my turn to make a joke

A blonde women walks into the mall with her two friends and they look at the map. and the first blonde says "This is the map to level one" they study the map and go up one level. And then the other blonde says "This is the map for level two" They study the map and go up. Then the last one says "this is the map to level one but where is level two and three?"

 

[Cardinal]

What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
A visitor.

 

[Califgirl]

On the way home from work, a woman stopped to buy a nice bottle of wine for her husband. She chose a nice merlot to go with dinner and the clerk put it in a brown paper bag for her.

She drove on a long Arizona desert road to her house. During her drive she saw an Indian woman walking on the side of the road. She pulled over and asked the Indian woman if she would like a ride. The Indian woman accepted the offer and got in the car. During the drive the Indian woman was quiet, inspecting every aspect about the car, and finally her eyes fell on the brown paper bag containing the bottle of wine.
The driver saw the Indian woman looking at the bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Indian woman was quiet, introspective. She finally answered, "Good trade."

 

[PurpleDuck]

What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
A visitor.

OUCH!! OMG, so funny!!

Thanks Cardinal!!

 

[savannahroy]

i have one: knock knock whos there lis lis who lis-ten to my song! :thewave:

 

[savannahroy]

i have one: knock knock whos there lis lis who lis-ten to my song! :thewave:

 

[Irishhockey]

A blonde is driving to Disney World...

on I-4 she sees a sign...

DISNEY WORLD LEFT

so the bonde turned around and went home...