JOINT CUSTODY question?? help????

[MOMOFMNM]

her reasoning is that her new husband wants to build a bigger garage for his cars...and need more space. No they have no other children

and buck...

thank you but I am not the status quo as far as step parenting goes...I stay home with all of the children mornings, afternoons, on breaks, etc. I suppose if she would like to spend as much time with her as me, and my dh does she could always quit her job...when dsd is sick, I stay home...the school calls me to pick her up, I go to her school parties and bake sales and masses on Wed morning when she does readings...I taught her to tie her shoes. There is a lot going on here than she just "visits" every now and then and I just sit on the sidelines...by choice her mom and myself and her dad have chosen to have me so involved because I believe I am a good person who cares and loves all kids.

I have without a doubt taken care of her for very unselfish reasons and I really do feel like dsd's best interests are where she belongs, right here.

Trust me, if her mother thought anything less, she would find other ways for my dsd to be taken care of while she works 10 hours a day...
she has even told me herself how great of an influence I have had on DSD since she started staying at home with us after school and summers and breaks...(it has been two years now).
I do not think she is moving because of anyone but herself...we shall see
I suppose a judge is best deciding this.

I know I am only the step mother here, true...but by choice I have always been a care giver first and for most...that is how dh and I met, I was director of the daycare my dsd was enrolled at, at the time.


thanks everyone once again...I appreciate the feedback

 

[BuckNaked]

thank you but I am not the status quo as far as step parenting goes

I never said you were - I was referring to the living situation, not you personally.

I suppose if she would like to spend as much time with her as me, and my dh does she could always quit her job...

Trust me, if her mother thought anything less, she would find other ways for my dsd to be taken care of while she works 10 hours a day...

Speaking only for myself, if my child's stepmother were making comments like this, basically questioning my desire to be with my child because I work, I'd be looking for a way to move further out, but that's just me.

I do not think she is moving because of anyone but herself

OK, now I see. She's the selfish one, and you're the unselfish one. You may not mean for it to sound this way, but it certainly does come off that way, at least to me.

 

[S. C.]

Document everything. If possible get the school to write a letter on who picks her up everyday.

 

[BuckNaked]

Your situation is not the same. 30 minutes is an inconvenience, not a real barrier to visitation like moving two states away. )

Excellent point, and that's what I was trying to get across as well. It's an inconvenience, sure. But I'm not sure why anyone should think that other people's living arrangements should be based on their convenience.

 

[mickeyfan2]

It depends how the custody order is worded. My cousin had joint custody with his ex and it stated that the parent who moved out of the town lost joint custody and the other parent became the guardian. There would then be just visitation for the parent who moved away. I hope your is written this way.

ETA: With join custody the education is a factor.

 

[simpilotswife]

Let me ask this....what is wrong with the mom driving back and forth to make the commute?

Why should she be allowed to uproot her child from her friends and school so she can move? Especially when, as someone pointed out, it's only an inconvenience.

 

[goofy4tink]

When my ex and I divorced, back in the dark ages known as 1980, the judge wouldn't even consider 'joint custody'. He said it was to divisive. Each parents gets their say, and who has final say?? Every time I see an joint custody discussion I can see what he means. Now, don't misunderstand...I had full custody and my ex came out from Boston almost every single Friday night to pick up those kids for the next few days. Most big issues we discussed but I had the final say since the kids were my responsibility. But I have to say that only one or two times were there big issues that we disagreed on.

I'm not sure what I would suggest in your case. What is the girls opinion here? While parents, at least the good ones, want to be involved in their kids lives on a daily basis, sometimes it just can't work out that way. You are going to have to sit down, together (the adults) and hash this one out. It's really hard to put aside our own feelings and do what is best for the kids...no matter how friendly the divorce was. I wish you guys only the best here. And hopefully everyone will remain on good terms and do what is in the best interest of the child, not their own personal interests. Yes, adults have lives but our kids interests have to come first, even if it means we are inconvenienced a bit, at some point. Best of luck to you and your dh.

 

[S. C.]

Let me ask this....what is wrong with the mom driving back and forth to make the commute?

Why should should she be allowed to uproot her child from her friends and school so she can move? Especially when, as someone pointed out, it's only an inconvenience.

ITA ...Well said.

 

[BuckNaked]

Let me ask this....what is wrong with the mom driving back and forth to make the commute?

So that I understand, you're suggesting that the child stay in her current school and let the mom drop her off on her way into work? That sounds like an excellent solution, but the OP has already said that she and DH would like her moved to a different school, which the child probably couldn't do if she lived in a different district. But I think your idea is a good one.

Why should she be allowed to uproot her child from her friends and school so she can move?

As for uprooting her from her school, the OP has already stated that she and DH wanted to do that as well, so I'm not sure that's even an issue. As for uprooting her from her friends, if she's at OP's as much as she says, I doubt she'll see her friends much less than she does now.

While I hope it does work out for the child, my personal opinion is that the OP is being a bit unreasonable. She doesn't want the little girl to move because it wouldn't be as convenient for her and her DH, yet she is criticizing the bio mom for wanting to move for convenience. Methinks that this situation isn't currently as ideal as the OP says it is. Either that, or the implied slams against the bio mom and her work schedule were just accidental...

 

[MOMOFMNM]

So that I understand, you're suggesting that the child stay in her current school and let the mom drop her off on her way into work? That sounds like an excellent solution, but the OP has already said that she and DH would like her moved to a different school, which the child probably couldn't do if she lived in a different district. But I think your idea is a good one.



As for uprooting her from her school, the OP has already stated that she and DH wanted to do that as well, so I'm not sure that's even an issue. As for uprooting her from her friends, if she's at OP's as much as she says, I doubt she'll see her friends much less than she does now.

While I hope it does work out for the child, my personal opinion is that the OP is being a bit unreasonable. She doesn't want the little girl to move because it wouldn't be as convenient for her and her DH, yet she is criticizing the bio mom for wanting to move for convenience. Methinks that this situation isn't currently as ideal as the OP says it is. Either that, or the implied slams against the bio mom and her work schedule were just accidental...

acutally, the reason we are considering changing schools is because we live in one of the very best public school districts in the state, as of now dsd goes to a private catholic school and the tuition is raising and my dh feels the education there is substandard...dsd has a need for ELP classes and they do not offer any kind of advanced learning at her current school...my dsd is in 2nd grade, she tested out at a 5th grade reading and comprehension level, seeing as though I teach special education, I think I am qualified enough to know her needs are not being met at the school she is at if they do not allow for individual learning. She comes home and cries because the teacher won't let her read chapter books, she has been reading them since kindergarten. The school is in a financial crunch because they are loosing a lot of kids. I think this is having an impact on students currently enrolled there...jmo.
we live about 4 blocks from her mom...in the same public school district she lives. Not until DH approached her about possibly moving her to a different school to meet her needs better (even her mom agreed at that point and went to tour the public school) until she got remarried and the new husband said he wants to move out of town did the moving come up.

would dh consider keeping her in the private school? I suppose he would but what if he believes her needs are not being met at that school? uprooting her from the private school to our district would not impact her as much as moving to a whole new town where she knows no one. She knows several neighbor kids in the same grade (remember she stays here every day) and plays with them all after school, not to mention our other two daughters go to that school as well and they would have recess and lunches together.
If she gets moved to the out of town school, she will have to go to a daycare situation after school (maybe that is where the working thing comes into play here) and I know dsd does not want to go to after school program, esp knowing that me and the other kids(her sisters, they do not call each other step) are at home. She has said to me and her mom before, she does not want to go to Kids Connection ever, she wants to be here on early outs and vacations and after school with M and M (my other girls).

I guess there are a lot more things going on here than I really explained and some things I can't even say because of someone thinking I have some sort of problem with her mother. Sometimes though, facts are just facts and typing a whole situation that has happened over 4 years in hard to do.
I can only say on this discussion board, what I think is right. Some may agree and others may not. That is ok with me.

the fortunate thing here is dh's brother is a family attourney and has been advising dh about what to do in the situation. I think this is helping my dh stay calm and figure out where to go next and how a court of law might see the situation.

we can only hope that the outcome is good for my dsd, whatever that may be.

 

[BuckNaked]

I guess there are a lot more things going on here than I really explained and some things I can't even say because of someone thinking I have some sort of problem with her mother.

It's obvious from what you've written that you have a problem with her mother. Being a divorced mother yourself and understanding the issues of having another person involved with your kids, I'm not sure why you would, but it sure seems as though you do.

This seems to me to be much less about what is best for your step-daughter, and much more about 1) what can make your step-daughter's mother look bad and 2) what is most convenient for your and your DH. Again, JMO.

 

[BuckNaked]

the fortunate thing here is dh's brother is a family attourney and has been advising dh about what to do in the situation. I think this is helping my dh stay calm and figure out where to go next and how a court of law might see the situation.

I too really hope that a court of law will see the situation and what is being attempted here, which appears to be nothing less than someone trying to take a child from her mother.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I cant see why its so difficult for you and your dh to drive back and forth on the week you would have dsd. I do that for my daughter everyday and I live about the same distance. My two children live with their dad because thats where they wanted to be and the school district there is much better than where I am. Their dad goes to work at 6am and my ds who is 12 leaves for the school bus 30 minutes before dd's bus comes. Her dad and I dont want her standing at the bus stop alone ( she is 7 ) so I get up early...even on my days off from work...to take her to school. I do what is best for the FAMILY, because thats what we all are...Mom, dad, son, daughter, and dads fiancee and eventually when I remarry my fiance and his two will also be a part of this extended type family.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I cant see why its so difficult for you and your dh to drive back and forth on the week you would have dsd. I do that for my daughter everyday and I live about the same distance. My two children live with their dad because thats where they wanted to be and the school district there is much better than where I am. Their dad goes to work at 6am and my ds who is 12 leaves for the school bus 30 minutes before dd's bus comes. Her dad and I dont want her standing at the bus stop alone ( she is 7 ) so I get up early...even on my days off from work...to take her to school. I do what is best for the FAMILY, because thats what we all are...Mom, dad, son, daughter, and dads fiancee and eventually when I remarry my fiance and his two will also be a part of this extended type family.

As I understand it, the issue for the OP isn't a weekly drive, it's a daily drive. If she goes to school where her mom moves to, but still goes to aftercare, etc at her dad and stepmom's house then it would mean daily trips to her school to pick her up.

Personally, from what has been stated here I think her mom is being very shortsighted. Moving her away from her dad, putting her in a new school where she doesn't know anyone, making the girl travel back and forth, and possibly creating a situation where she'll need to be in afterschool daycare is selfish of her mom. The current situation works, so why fix something that's not broken? Wait until she's grown and then they can move anywhere they desire or if she insists on moving let the girl live with her dad and stepmom and visit her mom on the weekends.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

I too really hope that a court of law will see the situation and what is being attempted here, which appears to be nothing less than someone trying to take a child from her mother.

OMG are you serious????

are you a very bitter divorcee yourself or what?? If you are you should seek help...I have an ex husband who is in Iraq right now and we talk on a daily basis...and his wife (which btw he had an affair with when she and I were friends) talk often...I like her...we get along great and we visit each other while he is at war...so as far as being bitter or whatever I think I am not...

that is crazy... I do not have to take her...her mother WILLINGLY gives her to ME to care for every single day...she has no problems with me taking off work to stay home with her, drive her to school, be at all her functions, take her to the doctor...

I have no intention of taking anyone away from anyone for goodness sake.
Actually, I don't have to...the court already decided she has to share custody of her child with my husband...

 

[bamajill]

I too really hope that a court of law will see the situation and what is being attempted here, which appears to be nothing less than someone trying to take a child from her mother.

Yikes....it also sounds like the mother might not be putting much thought into taking the child away from her father. There are two parents here.

I think the OP is obviously very involved in her step-daughter's life. It sounds like they have an ideal situation right now and I can very much understand them being upset that it could change (without any input from them).

Just b/c the mother CAN do something legally (and even that hasn't been established), doesn't mean it is the best interest of the child.

Good luck to you, momofmnm....I hope the situation can be worked out so that everyone is happy. Blended family issues can be so difficult at times.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I too really hope that a court of law will see the situation and what is being attempted here, which appears to be nothing less than someone trying to take a child from her mother.

MOMOFMNM, I hope you are disregarding remarks like those above. I think the majority of the people here know you are genuinely concerned for your dsd. I hope everything works out well for everyone.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am gbuessing that BuckNaked has been involved in some sort of bitter custody thing, either directly or indirectly, and that is impacting their reponse. So be it...we are, after all, made up of our experiences.

To the OP...to me you sound like you are trying to keep the best interests of your DSD at heart. It's hard to move a child in their pre or teen years...those years are so important in terms of stability, belonging etc. It also sounds liek the mom is trying to do what she thinks is right for her family...bigger house, more porperty. It also sounds like she is trying to keep new hubby happy too, though...she's kind of in a tightrope situation...happy husband vs. happy kid.

My best to you and your DSD. After all, she is the one who will ultimately be the most affected.

 

[simpilotswife]

would dh consider keeping her in the private school? I suppose he would but what if he believes her needs are not being met at that school? uprooting her from the private school to our district would not impact her as much as moving to a whole new town where she knows no one. She knows several neighbor kids in the same grade (remember she stays here every day) and plays with them all after school, not to mention our other two daughters go to that school as well and they would have recess and lunches together.
If she gets moved to the out of town school, she will have to go to a daycare situation after school (maybe that is where the working thing comes into play here) and I know dsd does not want to go to after school program, esp knowing that me and the other kids(her sisters, they do not call each other step) are at home. She has said to me and her mom before, she does not want to go to Kids Connection ever, she wants to be here on early outs and vacations and after school with M and M (my other girls).

That says it all for me.

If the mom really cares about her child then she can make the commute when it is her turn. Why stress out this child more than is necessary.

 

[BuckNaked]

are you a very bitter divorcee yourself or what??

Nope, one husband, two kids, and we're all living together, in the same house.

I am gbuessing that BuckNaked has been involved in some sort of bitter custody thing, either directly or indirectly, and that is impacting their reponse. So be it...we are, after all, made up of our experiences.

You'd be guessing wrong - I have the same husband I started out with, going on 15 years now, and we're raising our children together. I just think it's sad to see what I think is a stepmother trying to come between a child and her mother. The jabs at the mother's work schedule, her comments (on another thread) about the mother not being able to stand the stepmom because she's a good mother, etc. Her comments certainly don't jibe with her claims that all was well until the mom decided she might want to move.

If you all believe that this is simply selfless behavior on the part of the stepmom, looking out for the best interests of the child, that is certainly your right. But based on the comments of the OP, I see it differently, which is certainly my right. IMO, this is a control issue, nothing more, nothing less. And I'm entitled to have that opinion, whether it is popular or not.