I've made a terrible mistake and I may not be able to fix it..(UPDATE pg 3)

[poohandwendy]

Long story, but I will try to be brief...

My 'real' father left when I was 8 months old. He moved out of state and he and my mother had a horrible post-divorce relationship, he also had a severe alcohol abuse problem. I never knew him growing up. He never contacted us (myself and 2 sisters) My mother remarried when I was 2 yo and I always considered my stepfather 'Dad', he later suddenly passed away when I was 23 yo.

I never wanted to meet my bio-father until I was 27, I started having reoccuring dreams about my dad (stepfather) in the hospital, they made me think about how permanent death was and that if I wanted any answers from my bio-father, I needed to find out from him before it was too late. I also felt this non-relationship was a wound that needed healing and that finding a way to forgive him would benefit me. I called him and we started to have a telephone relationship. I found that he is just an ordinary man who made alot of mistakes. I have grown to love him, but he is still somewhat of a stranger to me.

He is warm and kind to me and asks nothing of me (is not overbearing or demanding of anything). But, we live many miles away from eachother and it is still sort of a strained relationship due to the fact that we really do not KNOW eachother. We just have very little history.

This past January, I called him for the first time in months (I had been very busy). His wife answered the phone and gave me a long lecture about how much it hurt him that I don't call very often which I calmly handled and then when I finally talked to him, I apologized and told him that I have been very busy and I hoped that he knew that even if I don't call as often as I would like, he is in my thoughts. He was nice, but it was strained. I have not liked his wife since I met her, she is very bossy and strongly opinionated and seems to always want to talk about the divorce and place blame on my mother. I have told her, on more than one occasion, this subject is NONE of her business and not up for debate. I try to get along with her to keep the peace.

The phone call left a sour taste in my mouth and I have avoided calling his house since then. I talked to him one time since, but only fo r a few minutes. He called me a few times, in which I did not return his calls. This is not because I didn't want to talk to him, but because I know if his wife answers, I will get into an argument with her (which I really do not care to endure).

I think I have just put off calling him because having a strained relationship with your father just reminds me that we have not much of a relationship, if that makes any sense. Please understand, I am not trying to 'punish' him (as his wife suggested in January). It is just honestly an uncomfortable relationship. And I do not know what to say and feel very uncomfortable explaining my busy life (why I haven't called) to someone who basically abandoned me for 27 years.

Fast forward to today. It is my birthday (yeah me) and when my mother called this evening I figured it was to send her wishes, well, unfortunately she had bad news for me. My sister was trying to get ahold of me earlier and told my mom to let me know that my bio-father suffered a brain aneurism a few days ago. (she only found out this morning) They performed surgery, he was responsive at first and now he isn't responding to stimuli at all. It is looking like he may not live at this point.

I am sad, scared for him, confused and beside myself with guilt, I do not want him to die thinking I was angry with him, I am not. I want him to know I care, that I am NOT mad at him, that i am sorry I didn't call enough, that I knew he made mistakes but I forgive him (I told him this years ago). I just feel awful. I don't even know if I should try calling his wife (she is not a very nice person and I am sure she would NOT welcome my calls at this point).

I don't even know if I would feel welcome at his funeral and if it is in Tennessee (where he lives now), I probably would not attend anyways. I am not sure. I don't know what the 'right' thing is to do.

If anythiing, please just send out some prayers/PD that I will figure out how I should handle this.

Any advice? (btw, sorry this was so long, bless you for reading this far) I am really struggling with this.

thanks,
wendy

 

[cati]

Wendy, first Happy Birthday!!

I can feel your pain in your post. You sound very confused and upset. I am sorry.

First, you should NOT feel guilty. He could have called YOU if he had wanted to talk to you bad enough. He left you all those years ago, not the other way around.

Second, if he does pass away (I pray not), you will have to decide what is best for YOU, not anyone else. If you, sounds like she will talk about you, if dont, she is still going to talk about you. You just need to do what is in your heart and what you think is right for you.

I have a step mother too. I always use to blame her for him not calling, coming to see me, etc. But as I got older, had my own kids, I realized, if he really wanted to see me, really wanted to talk to me, he could have. She did not tie him up and not let him. It was his decision.

I wish you the best.... I pray that things work out well for him.

 

[debster812]

awwww PoohandWendy. I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know it is easier said than done, but please do not beat yourself up over this.

I would like to think that the fact you originally reached out to him, and made the first overture in your current relationship would let him know that you do indeed care about him.

I just really don't even know what else to say to try and make you feel better. I'm so sorry, and so horrible with words.

Please feel free to PM or email me. I can offer a great ear, and a few cyber hugs.

I also hope that typing it all out helped you too. I find that writing things out like this, very cathartic. I hope it helped you too.

All my best to you as you struggle with this. I hope you have a restful night.

Debbie

PS--oh, and for what it's worth, I don't think you made a mistake. You are dealing with a very tenuous (at best) relationship, with a difficult personality thrown in the middle (father's wife)you did exactly what you needed to do for yourself and your family.

 

[DisMN]

Wendy, first of all, happy birthday.

Secondly, as far as being welcome at the funeral (if/when there is one)........I think sometimes funerals are great places to find healing, love and acceptance.

If you WANT to be there, then you should go, no hesitations.

I'm sorry that you're in a muddle with all this right now and I'm sure you really feel confused at what to do. The right thing to do is what you WANT to do, I'm sure of that.

 

[Elwood Blues]

Wendy. Go see him now. Even if it's for a few minutes. Hold his hand and say the things that you would want him to know. He will hear you.

 

[Rajah]

Personally, if I had the money and was able to, I'd try to go see him at the hospital. He may be unconscious and unresponsive, but I *know* that even in that state, they at some level know what's going on.

If that's not possible, I'm sure he knows how you feel.

 

[DisMN]

Originally posted by Elwood Blues
Wendy. Go see him now. Even if it's for a few minutes. Hold his hand and say the things that you would want him to know. He will hear you.

Oh yeah, I echo that sentiment too. Just BE there. It will comfort you both.

 

[S. C.]

Prayers said.

 

[kaylajr]

I have to agree
if there is anyway you can go to him NOW and say your peace you'll feel better

my grandmother and i had a very strained relationship which came from yearsof her playing favorites and just being difficult well when she had her stroke and we all knew it was just a matter of time i decided i didn't want to live with the bad feelings so i spent some time alone in her room with her just taking and i forgave her out loud i really believe on some level they can hear you and i felt much better

hopfully that is an option for you

also hope your BIrthday was Happy

 

[pw2pp]

The title of your thread is "I've made a terrible mistake and I may not be able to fix it".......

Why do you think that?
The mistake was made when you were 8 mos old and continued for 27 years.
YOU did not make the mistake....... someone else made the "mistake".
YOU were the one who initiated contact, despite being abandoned for 27 years.
You may not have gotten to know him at all if it weren't for that phone call that YOU made.
It is not your fault that the relationship has felt strained.
You should not feel guilty about any of this.

I think it would be okay no matter how you do it (whether you go now, or after he dies, or even not at all).

Just know in your heart that no matter what happens, you have done all that you could.
It is all okay.
God Bless you P&W.

 

[snoopy]

Wendy

I think you did all you could, and were more than understanding given the fact that he abandoned you as a child. Many fathers would not be so lucky to have a relationship with the children they left behind. I think he probably knows that you cared for him. As for the stepmother, she sounds like she feels threatened by you, not at all unusual when a parent and long lost child reunite. None of it is your fault, it just is what it is. You felt uncomfortable after having words with your stepmother, I would have felt the same way.

I'll pray that it works out for you and your Dad, and that you are able to find peace

 

[Dan Murphy]

Good wishes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Go see him, call, do whatever it takes even if it just to send flowers.
I am so sorry and I hope you find closure.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Go see him. Find the money, the time, the will. If you don't you will have this "if only" hanging over your head.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I agree with the ones that said to go see him.You can tell him everything you want to say to him.He will know that you are there.Dont let her keep you away from him or you will always feel the way you are now.I know its hard but he is your Dad and you will know that you have done what you needed to do.This may be what was needed to bring you closer with your Dad(God works in mysterious ways).

My DM and my DSis have been really going at it for awhile and I pray everyday that they forgive each other before its to late.They will never forgive theirselves if something happens to the other before they get over it.

Know that you are the only one that can make the decision but you ask for suggestions and that is just mine.

Your Dad and You will be in my prayers.
Hugs to you.

Misty

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I'm so sorry for your situtation. I agree with others who say to go see him now. If you are thinking there may be a funeral in the future, and you don't want to go to that, go now instead. There is a chance that you will make contact, and that would make you feel better than going after it is too late.

Best wishes with whatever you decide..

 

[Disney's Deluxe Princess]

Don't feel guilty about not calling. I went through the same thing when my father remarried. As a teenager and as an adult, I hated calling his house for fear of my stepmother. But now that I think about it, he should have been the one trying to make the phone calls, not me.

If you feel the need to go to the hospital, then you should do it. I hope it all works out for you and you feel better.

 

[Ibelieveinfairies]

I am so sad that you have to be going through all of this...and on your birthday, to boot!

I agree with those who say that whatever your heart tells you to do is the right thing to do. I say you don't need forgiveness, for you have done absolutely nothing wrong, but if you are feeling down on yourself, forgive yourself...take a step back and see how you have done so much to make this relationship the best it could be for the situation.

I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way this morning!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Oh my P&W, my heart goes out to you! It sounds like you did the best that you could in the situation. My thoughts are with you.

Take care, and Happy B-Day!

 

[Pongo69]

Wendy, I'm sorry your going thru this

I don't believe you made a mistake. You obviously forgave him in your heart when you decided to have contact with him. You did something that many others wouldn't even think of doing especially in this circumstance.


If you think it will make you feel better than by all means go see your father. If you believe you did all you could do with the relationship, and you decide to do something else don't beat yourself up about it emotionally. YOU have to do what's best for you.

As far as your stepmother, to hell with what she thinks. That's your dad. You have a right to be there no matter what. Whatever you do DO NOT let your stepmother problems become your problems as well. If she chose to stew in jealousy than by all means let her.

Have a Bless Birthday PW