I've made a terrible mistake and I may not be able to fix it..(UPDATE pg 3)

[marlasmom]

Wendy - don't beat yourself up. You have done so much - much, much more than many people would have done in those circumstances. Know that he knows what a fine person you are and that you established a relationship with him that perhaps he didn't deserve. You can call him or write him if you can't go to see him. I don't think it's necessary that you go (or write or call) however, unless you - and only you - feel that you HAVE to go. I truly applaud you for the way you have handled this situation. You have displayed courage and empathy.

Barbara

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Wendy, I am so sorry. When you reached out to him after all those years and accepted and forgave him you gave him a great gift and you gave yourself one as well. How brave that was. I salute you and remind you that he knows what's in your heart. The wicked stepmom was the cause of your more recent distance and I'm sure he knows that too.

I too would go see him in case he is dying because you need to say goodbye and let him know you love him but you must do what your heart tells you to do. And if he survives you'll have shown him how much you care. If you can't go perhaps you could have someone hold the phone to his ear. When my dad was dying his favorite niece couldn't come so she called. I put the phone to his ear and even though he was unconscious his heart rate slowed and his breathing eased while she spoke, I know he heard her.

Here's a truckload of pixie dust and many prayers on top.



Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this and on your birthday too!

Mary Alice

 

[Lucky4me]

Originally posted by DisMN
Oh yeah, I echo that sentiment too. Just BE there. It will comfort you both.

Yes. Go see him.
Do not let anything his wife says bother you.
Make peace between you and he, she has nothing to do with it.

You have done nothing wrong and should not feel guilty!
I'm so sorry you have to g through this.

 

[RitaZ.]

I agree with those who say that whatever your heart tells you to do is the right thing to do. I say you don't need forgiveness, for you have done absolutely nothing wrong, but if you are feeling down on yourself, forgive yourself...take a step back and see how you have done so much to make this relationship the best it could be for the situation.

I agree with this. These situations are awkward to begin with, I can't imagine what you are feeling.

 

[Teejay32]

PAW, except for minor details your story is so similar to mine, it's freaky. There's great advice here already. I can only tell you what I did. I dropped everything, settled the kids and flew out there. I sat at his bedside and didn't say much, and tried to be as helpful as I could to the rest of the family...stepmom, two half-siblings, his in-laws, coworkers, friends. I was with him as he passed away. Then there was a flurry of activity...funeral arrangements and stuff. I went home that Saturday, missing the funeral and everything, but wild horses couldn't have kept me from going home that Saturday. We had a memorial service out here for him two weeks later, which was well-attended even though he hadn't lived in the area for over 25 years. My Mom and I went to it together. That was kind of weird in itself.

There was a time when my father and I were alone in the room and I was just sitting there, patting his arm, with the TV on...it was peaceful and he did seem to be....I don't know, more settled and content for the moment, so that I felt his presence and that it was the right place to be. And it was comforting to me. That's about the last memory I have - he died later that day.

This was in July, right around my birthday in fact, so I'm still shaky about it in some ways and I wouldn't say to you, "you have to go to him." You have your stepmother's emotional issues to contend with too, and I really didn't, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a lot of each other. Just do the best you can.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you feel the need to see him one more time while he is alive, then go. Be prepared toonly have a short period of time in whic to visit, in case stepmom gets huffy. Say what you need to say, and know in your heart that the way your relationship with your bio-father turned out was more his doing than yours. You took great strides to make amends. For many of the years of your estrangement, you were a child, he was an adult, and should have been the one making the moves to keep a relationship going.

I always hate when people like oyur step-mom say "You didn't call". Well, you didn't call me either, and the hpone does work both ways.

Prayers for you and your dad.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>You've received a lot of good advice here. I'm adding my own hugs to you.

 

[4greatboys]

Sounds like a very difficult situation. He must know you love and care about him since you are the one that reached out to him in the first place. His wife is a grown woman and should act like one instead of a little whiney kid, but I know there is nothing you can do about that.
I really think you need to do what is going to make you feel like you did the right thing in the long run. If you want to go, feel like you should go then go. Please dont let a nasty, unhappy woman make a decision for you (by trying to avoid her). Is there someone you can take with you that maybe could run interference with her so you dont have to deal with her to much??
I wish you all the best in this tough situation and wish you birthday could be happier.

 

[Pooh93]

I hope you find peace regardless of the decision you make.

 

[ADisneygirl]

Wendy, I see that you have already received some great advice here. In my humble opinion, you in no way should feel any guilt for this situation. You did nothing wrong. Many times it is the victim who feels the guilt, when the person who really did the wrong thing feels nothing. Your father was an adult when he chose, for whatever reasons, to leave your life and not look back. It is one thing to leave your wife; it is an entirely different thing to leave your children. This choice was entirely his own, and the consequences that go with such a choice.

You went above and beyond duty or moral obligation by calling him and offering to open up a line of communication and possibly a relationship. That man should have jumped at the chance to be forgiven for doing the unforgivable act of abandoning a child. You reached out, and unfortunately were met by the cruel and unfair reaction of his new wife. Maybe she felt threatened, even after all these years, of a relationship developing between you and your father. Of course we all know she should have stepped aside and out of the picture to allow you and your father time. She had no right to offer an opinion about whether or not you were being a good daughter. You were being an EXCELLENT daughter, especially after having a lifetime of no experience being one. But ultimately, you need to forget about his wife's reaction. His arms were not broken. He was not tied up in the basement. HE should have made the calls to you.

I think I better stop ranting about this. I am very upset that you are going through this. It is unfair, and if any words from strangers here on the DIS can help you, I hope you believe all of us when we say you are not at fault and you are being a good person and a better daughter than I feel he deserves. Go see him in the hospital if it will make YOU feel better. If you can't go, know that many if not all of us here think you did a very generous thing opening the door again to him and offering a man a chance to be forgiven and be a father to the child he left. God bless you.

 

[Lanshark]

Wendy,

Do what you feel right, regardless of what anyone thinks? If you feel drawn to see him then go and tell him the things you've just expressed. Try not regret your decisions in the past. You made them for your own reasons and there is nothing you can do to change them. Just like there is nothing he could do to change his past decisions.

You don't need to rationalize your feelings or behaviors to anyone, including his wife. Guilt is something we do to ourselves.


The fact that you made contact with him showed him you were willing to give him a chance. His wife may have made more out of the non calling issue than he did. I would like to think he understood.

I hope you are able to find Peace.

 

[LScot]

Wendy, Happy Birthday, today!

I would go, too, if at all possible. The title of your thread says a lot and right now, it isn't too late. You've already done enough but at the same time I think you'll have peace of mind if you go. They say that the hearing is the last to go. I would go and speak to him, responsive or not. YOU'LL feel better. I talked a lot to my FIL while he lay dying and it is a great comfort to me now.

Don't worry about his wife. She is probably a bit of a cranky person and possibly trying to protect your father in her own crazy way. How she handles this will be hers to answer to, not yours. You do what you need to do so that you'll have no regrets and can feel good about your response. I commend you for your reaction to all this already. Abandonment must be one of the painful things a child can suffer. I do hope you come to TN.

 

[arminnie]

Lots of good advice about going to see him one last time, but I wanted to add - if it really is not possible to do so without undue problems - don't let yourself feel guilty over that either.

I think you can have a nice long chat with him from a quiet room in your own home or maybe your church. People often say to write a letter even it it can't get there. It's not impossible to pour out your feelings and thoughts even from a distance.

I agree with what everyone else has said about not feeling guilty. You may have to work to convince yourself of that but I know that you will finally see that there is no reason for you to feel bad about any of this.

It's probably best if you do not have any more communication with his wife than is absolutely necessary. She is grieving and lashing out and there really is nothing to be gained by dealing with her. Do not let your forgiveness of yourself be dependent on how she feels.

Tricia

 

[MJames41]

Do the best you can with what you have. When my wife died, I had a very close friend of mind come to me and say "before you start feeling guilty, it was not your fault - 20/20 hindsight can kill". You see she died of epilepsy and her attacks came often from stress, and we were seperated at the time.

If you can afford it and want to go, then go whether to the hospital or to the funeral. If you just can't make it, then go when you can and visit his site. However, to get your feelings out, if you can't go, I always find writing a letter one of the best ways to get it out.


Be well.

 

[Microcell]

You have almost the same exact situation I do. I PM'ed you. Remember you are not at fault. I too feel sad because of a relationship that never was and probably never will be. My father is still around but has just had heart attack number 3.

 

[nativetxn]

Oh, sweetie I'm so sorry. Sending you a pm

Katholyn

 

[kbeverina]

Wendy--I wish I was your neighbor right now because I'd come over and sit at the kitchen table with you and talk to you until you saw that this is not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. Then I'd tell you not to worry about the kids, I'd make sure they were taken care of and got off to school for the next week if you wanted to go see your dad. That's got to be a scary trip to think about. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Serena]

Wendy, you have gone beyond what anyone could possibly expect. Do not feel guilty. Do what you can and be at peace with yourself.

 

[poohandwendy]

**UPDATE***

I am sad to say that my father passed away early this evening. I was in the process of making arrangements to travel to Tennessee to visit him when I received the call. I have to accept that he knew that I loved him and that he was completely forgiven for any mistakes he made with me.

If I can ask one more favor, please send out some prayers for his wife, my 1/2 brother and my aunt and uncle. They are really having a tough time. He was just 60 years old Aug 14th.

I cannot express enough thanks for all of the people here who had such kind words for me and really good advice, it means more than you could know.

My 2 sisters and I plan on attending the services, the arrangements haven't been made yet, I am not even sure where he will be buried. It will be tough, but if there is even a small chance thathe will be able to look down, I want him to know we were there and cared.

I am just so raw...

Thanks again,
wendy

 

[nativetxn]

{{{HUGS}}} Wendy. Bless you sweetie. Saying prayers for your father, you and your extended family. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Katholyn