Its been awhile.....I have a dilemma (loong!) UPDATE

[tiff211]

I was thinking the exact same thing. It also bothers me your ex called you drunk when he had the kids. I think some visitation changes need to be made.

I thought about that but its not a habit. I try to put myself in his shoes and realize he is kicking himself and knows he lost his family. It was waaaay past the girls bedtime so I will give him the benefit of the doubt since he has not shown me reason to believe he is not thinking about the kids. Even when I mentioned it, the first thing he said was he didn't start drinking until they were asleep. I told him there could have been an emergency in the middle f the night or a fire....etc. He agreed and said he didn't think of that.

 

[MoniqueU]

bipolar flags went raised high and fast for me to in regards to the ex. Many many bipolars are serial cheaters trust me on this one.

Also I think you moved way to fast with the new guy. i have a friend who is in the final stages of divorce and has been on and off dating a guy that is totally wrong for her and stands her up half the time, i tell her he is not right for her yet she feels compelled to keep the door open. They have not been intimate because she is still legally married and that is important to her but I think jumping right back out there before your divorce is even final even if it has been awhile is crazy.

I would ask for a court ordered psych eval on the ex. Just site his mood swings and irratic behavior and i am sure it will be granted.

 

[tiff211]

bipolar flags went raised high and fast for me to in regards to the ex. Many many bipolars are serial cheaters trust me on this one.

Also I think you moved way to fast with the new guy. i have a friend who is in the final stages of divorce and has been on and off dating a guy that is totally wrong for her and stands her up half the time, i tell her he is not right for her yet she feels compelled to keep the door open. They have not been intimate because she is still legally married and that is important to her but I think jumping right back out there before your divorce is even final even if it has been awhile is crazy.

I would ask for a court ordered psych eval on the ex. Just site his mood swings and irratic behavior and i am sure it will be granted.

He is passive aggressive...the mood swings and the serial cheaters signs of PA disorder as well. My therapist had me read up on that when I told her of Dh's behavior. it fits him to a 't',

I know most believe I should wait to have dated but dealing with my ex was making me stir crazy and going out on casual dates was a way to be distracted. I did all the other stuff, like spend time with my kids, school, friends but dating was different.....I could just be myself without the drama. I didn't plan to find someone and get serious. I keep hearing how slim the pickings are for good men, so I didn't expect to find anyone and certainly wasn't looking for long-term.

 

[bumbershoot]

How did he find out about the guy, much less his name to google him? This is serious. He shouldn't have that much access to your private life. Are the kids telling him? They really should be involved either.

I have no idea how he found out. He said my FB page but I don't post anything about my private life and my ex is not a friend. He said he looked at my friends list. However, I have many guy friends. My kids don't know either....except my oldest and she knows not to say anything, she's away at college anyway.

He's finding it out from somewhere. Your oldest knows, so that's a way to find out. Does the new guy have an "open" FB page where he wrote about you, and that's how your ex husband figured out who the new guy was? If so, if you guys continue, he needs to close up that FB, keeping things really private.

I've read this time and time again on this board--so many women get out of a marriage and are, very quickly, too serious with a new relationship. You've been married awhile, had four kids, and then had a bad marriage to boot. You need to step back for awhile from anything serious.

So, you met a great guy 3 months ago and you and he have already discussed children? Wow. Too fast.

I've known enough people who get divorced to say...the paper counts. There's a mourning process before deciding, and no matter how long it takes, it seems that with most people, there's a process to go through after you get the official papers that it's final. People think they are done and over it and ready to date, but a few years down the road they realize they weren't at all.

That said, DH and I talked about if we wanted kids on our FIRST date. I was a new 31, he was 28, we felt we had messed around with too many people who didn't fit what we wanted, and we just wanted to cut through the junk. So I don't think talking kids like that is bad...actually, I think it's good.



But I'm on the side of the ex. I had an off and on, not really serious boyfriend once. During an "off" time someone swooped in and ended up engaged to him. Then they broke up. Then she realized she was pregnant (she knew before they broke up, but he didn't). He was scared of her and didn't want to be in a relationship with her, and made that clear. After awhile we tried to start back up (yes, while she was pregnant). But then, and 2 years later when we tried it again, each time, she knew that I was coming back around, and she was absolutely psycho. Midnight calls, drivebys, implied threats... She stabbed the tires of her former best friend, because the friend saw the psycho come out (she was good at hiding it from friends) and told the guy that she'd planned the pregnancy...flatted all four specialty tires for the friend's SUV (if they were calling them that in the mid 90s?). Even when I was 3 states away, she got my number and was making midnight calls when he and I started talking again.

I finally had to end it with him. I couldn't have that ex in my life. As great as the guy was, I was scared of her. Didn't need it.