Issues trying to get future son-in-law to come on vacations

[Disneylovingmomof2]

I'm with the SIL. I would not be comfortable even now, at 40-something, accepting a gift like that from anyone. Just not how I was raised and not how I have lived my life. That kind of money comes out of my own pocket. I would appreciate the offer, and I might enjoy vacationing with extended family (and I have very occasionally), but not on their dime. I would spend the entire trip feeling uncomfortable, feeling like I should order the chicken instead of the steak, have water instead of wine. That's not how I want to spend my limited vacation days. If that makes me rigid, frigid, unappreciative, or whatever, so be it.

Sounds like a personal issue. If someone offers a gift why would you feel like that?

Hasn’t anyone seen the movie Coco?? In America for some reason we isolate more after marriage. Barring having some really terrible in laws why do people have such issues? Before DH I was the kind of person who had an open door. Friends, family never knocked, came right in. Want food? Help yourself. DH is not like that and I respect it but it does bother me. Why do people take themselves so seriously? What happened to it takes a village to raise a family?
If my in laws offered my family a trip I’d gladly accept. I’d love to be able to do the same for my children one day when they are grown and (hopefully) grandkids.

 

[mom2rtk]

Sounds like a personal issue. If someone offers a gift why would you feel like that?

Hasn’t anyone seen the movie Coco?? In America for some reason we isolate more after marriage. Barring having some really terrible in laws why do people have such issues? Before DH I was the kind of person who had an open door. Friends, family never knocked, came right in. Want food? Help yourself. DH is not like that and I respect it but it does bother me. Why do people take themselves so seriously? What happened to it takes a village to raise a family?
If my in laws offered my family a trip I’d gladly accept. I’d love to be able to do the same for my children one day when they are grown and (hopefully) grandkids.

What does it have to do with taking yourself too seriously? That's fine if that's what you want. But there is no "right" way of living family life. Everyone is different. The OP would be wise to respect that in his future SIL.

 

[Hikergirl]

Sounds like a personal issue. If someone offers a gift why would you feel like that?

Hasn’t anyone seen the movie Coco?? In America for some reason we isolate more after marriage. Barring having some really terrible in laws why do people have such issues? Before DH I was the kind of person who had an open door. Friends, family never knocked, came right in. Want food? Help yourself. DH is not like that and I respect it but it does bother me. Why do people take themselves so seriously? What happened to it takes a village to raise a family?
If my in laws offered my family a trip I’d gladly accept. I’d love to be able to do the same for my children one day when they are grown and (hopefully) grandkids.

Of course it is a personal issue, we are all individuals and entitled to have our own individual feelings about things.
Just because one doesn't feel the same way as you that doesn't make them wrong and you right, it just makes you both different.

Not even sure what the bolded means none of this situation, or what you describe has anything to do with "taking a village".
And even if it did, not all of us want or need the village.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

but because he sounds like he has control issues

He said she could go without him. Not sure how that's a control issue.

 

[luvsJack]

Sounds like a personal issue. If someone offers a gift why would you feel like that?

Hasn’t anyone seen the movie Coco?? In America for some reason we isolate more after marriage. Barring having some really terrible in laws why do people have such issues? Before DH I was the kind of person who had an open door. Friends, family never knocked, came right in. Want food? Help yourself. DH is not like that and I respect it but it does bother me. Why do people take themselves so seriously? What happened to it takes a village to raise a family?
If my in laws offered my family a trip I’d gladly accept. I’d love to be able to do the same for my children one day when they are grown and (hopefully) grandkids.

A person can be just as you describe with the open door and family and friends in and out and still want to pay their own way. I fail to see the connection.

I mentioned my sister and bil taking their dd’s and grandkids. They have also taken dd along when she was younger. They also invited me to go with her. We went to WDW with them but we paid our way. When they invited me to go to Alaska, I said thanks but no thanks because we were in a spot at the time that I couldn’t afford it right then. I knew bil intended to pay for my trip and I would have been forever grateful but also uncomfortable on the trip. Like the pp said, feeling like I should order the cheapest thing on the menu.

But we are still a close family. They are still there for us and us for them. We both have an open door policy and know we can count on each other.

Not wanting to allow the op to pay his way does not mean future sil doesn’t want to be a part of the family.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have addressed that, very specifically, in an earlier post...
And, my experience does not match yours.
I knew who I was... what might be important to me.. what my basic priorities and values and goals were....
The fact that I grew up 'destitute' did not affect or dictate that.

While we do not know this guy, we do have some pretty clear, specific, and compelling statements. That is what I will go by.

Those clear, specific and compelling statements have been given to us by someone with a goal in opposition to the person whose statements are being paraphrased second hand to us. Would you feel it fair and appropriate to evaluate your personality/character/viewpoint on a similar basis?

 

[cabanafrau]

He said she could go without him. Not sure how that's a control issue.

OP, who knows the situation and the people involved firsthand, specifically stated upthread that future SIL is not controlling.

 

[Ariel484]

OP, who knows the situation and the people involved firsthand, specifically stated upthread that future SIL is not controlling.

And despite that fact, other posters really, REALLY want to believe that he is.

 

[cabanafrau]

And despite that fact, other posters really, REALLY want to believe that he is.

After all, who would know better?

 

[Ariel484]

After all, who would know better?

Why, strangers on the internet, of course!!

 

[marcyleecorgan]

I would be most alarmed at the intent of the words used by your Future Son in Law to describe your family's love language (which is clearly Disney and spending time together!):

Pity
Stupid Little Trip
Handouts

... how is that in any way the attitude of the man you want your DD to spend her life with? This would be a deal-breaker attitude for my family.... yeah they are adults and can do their own thing... but when family members invite you on their dime, simply because they want to be a part of your life, unless the activity is like, base jumping, YOU GO. POLITELY. WITH GRACIOUSNESS. You don't have to be tied to each other during the whole WDW vacation, but at least ONE nice TS dinner together.... that's not so hard is it?! I guess it is...

What's next, him getting pouty like a child and returning Christmas gifts because you bought Tommy Hilfilger instead of Banana Republic?

Sorry sir, you just hit the end of the line. Get off the train, no refunds, no round trip. If you're not a part of the family, we won't waste your trip treating you like one.
I think you need to have a serious chat with your DD about how inflexible this attitude can really be in Real Life, aside from whiny man-child feelings. This can, and likely will, affect every aspect of her married life with him in a negative way!

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

After all, who would know better?

Do you think people who get into relationships with controlling people do it on purpose? Like oh yeah, I can’t wait to have a pouty partner who doesn’t want to go on a vacation bc someone else is paying for it!
No one is asking this man to take out a personal loan and go into more debt for this trip. If his money issues are this deep rooted then I’d be worried.

 

[cabanafrau]

I would be most alarmed at the intent of the words used by your Future Son in Law to describe your family's love language (which is clearly Disney and spending time together!):

Pity
Stupid Little Trip
Handouts

... how is that in any way the attitude of the man you want your DD to spend her life with? This would be a deal-breaker attitude for my family.... yeah they are adults and can do their own thing... but when family members invite you on their dime, simply because they want to be a part of your life, unless the activity is like, base jumping, YOU GO. POLITELY. WITH GRACIOUSNESS. You don't have to be tied to each other during the whole WDW vacation, but at least ONE nice TS dinner together.... that's not so hard is it?! I guess it is...

What's next, him getting pouty like a child and returning Christmas gifts because you bought Tommy Hilfilger instead of Banana Republic?

Sorry sir, you just hit the end of the line. Get off the train, no refunds, no round trip. If you're not a part of the family, we won't waste your trip treating you like one.
I think you need to have a serious chat with your DD about how inflexible this attitude can really be in Real Life, aside from whiny man-child feelings. This can, and likely will, affect every aspect of her married life with him in a negative way!

How accurate are those words to what was actually spoken to someone who is not the person who related them here?

Was the response and mood the same to invitation number one as to invitations number two and three?

I suppose if you were invited to use your limited vacation time to go on a camping and fishing trip by family to be a part of their lives, meaning skipping the Disney trip you enjoy for a wilderness adventure that you don't -- you're going to go. Politely. With Graciousness?

 

[cabanafrau]

Do you think people who get into relationships with controlling people do it on purpose? Like oh yeah, I can’t wait to have a pouty partner who doesn’t want to go on a vacation bc someone else is paying for it!
No one is asking this man to take out a personal loan and go into more debt for this trip. If his money issues are this deep rooted then I’d be worried.

So you believe that both the daughter and the OP are oblivious to the fiance's controlling nature -- despite their apparent disappointment at his failure to accept three generous vacation invitations?

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

How accurate are those words to what was actually spoken to someone who is not the person who related them here?

Was the response and mood the same to invitation number one as to invitations number two and three?

I suppose if you were invited to use your limited vacation time to go on a camping and fishing trip by family to be a part of their lives, meaning skipping the Disney trip you enjoy for a wilderness adventure that you don't -- you're going to go. Politely. With Graciousness?

OP said the fiancé doesn’t want to travel at all. So if this was an issue of him only having a week and wanting to go skiing or something instead that’s different. He just doesn’t want to do anything.

 

[cabanafrau]

OP said the fiancé doesn’t want to travel at all. So if this was an issue of him only having a week and wanting to go skiing or something instead that’s different. He just doesn’t want to do anything.

I believe OP said he liked outdoor pursuits -- and participated in them.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

I believe OP said he liked outdoor pursuits -- and participated in them.

Then why wouldn’t he go to Hawaii? And then on top of it belittle them by saying he doesn’t want to participate in their stupid little trips? Sounds like he’s having a massive pity party for himself.

 

[mom2rtk]

Then why wouldn’t he go to Hawaii? And then on top of it belittle them by saying he doesn’t want to participate in their stupid little trips? Sounds like he’s having a massive pity party for himself.

Maybe he doesn't like long flights? He shouldn't be required to explain to future in-laws how he wants to use his vacation.

My guess on the comment is that he's annoyed that they wouldn't let up on it.

 

[cabanafrau]

Then why wouldn’t he go to Hawaii? And then on top of it belittle them by saying he doesn’t want to participate in their stupid little trips? Sounds like he’s having a massive pity party for himself.

You realize you're basing this on comments that have been filtered through an admittedly disappointed OP by a potentially disappointed fiance? I don't understand reacting to the comments like they come from an official court transcript and aren't secondhand paraphrasing subject to bias of differing viewpoints?

ETA Who's to say that simply because Hawaii includes the prospect of outdoor activities that they are the type of activities he participates in? Camping and fishing are a bit different from snorkeling or paddleboarding.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

Maybe he doesn't like long flights? He shouldn't be required to explain to future in-laws how he wants to use his vacation.

My guess on the comment is that he's annoyed that they wouldn't let up on it.

Maybe. I wish someone would annoy me with trips to Hawaii