Is This True About the Mother of the Groom?

[Skywalker]

My friend has been spending a lot of time on wedding related message boards lately, and she found some discussions centred around the mother of the groom. I took interest because I have two boys, although I hope my mother of the groom days are a loooooong way off.

Basically they were saying the mother of the groom has three jobs. To help host the rehearsal dinner, smile and nod at everything the bride plans, and then to show up in something as non-descript as possible so as not to outshine the bride and bride's mom on the Big Day. lol.

There was even a list posted, the order of fabulousness at the wedding:

1. The Bride
2. The Bridal Party
3. The Mother of the Bride
4. The Mother of the Groom
5. Guests

If you show up at the wedding outshining anyone above you on the list you are a jerk.

(Apparently the men don't count because they are all the same. )

Is there actually any truth to this in your experience?

 

[Happy Snowman]

Pretty much but I guess it really depends on the relationship the parents have, on both sides, with the bride and groom. I think that the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom both need to just smile and nod at the bride's plans. Choice of clothing should be part of that smile and nod, not that the bride should say "wear this only" rather than, I'd like you to consider colors x, y, z for your dress. I'd hate to see a mother show up in a color that is so off from the bridesmaids colors.

Then again, some friends of ours, the mother of the groom showed up in the same dress the bridesmaids were wearing--that was not ok either.

 

[gwynne]

My friend has been spending a lot of time on wedding related message boards lately, and she found some discussions centred around the mother of the groom. I took interest because I have two boys, although I hope my mother of the groom days are a loooooong way off.

Basically they were saying the mother of the groom has three jobs. To help host the rehearsal dinner, smile and nod at everything the bride plans, and then to show up in something as non-descript as possible so as not to outshine the bride and bride's mom on the Big Day. lol.

There was even a list posted, the order of fabulousness at the wedding:

1. The Bride
2. The Bridal Party
3. The Mother of the Bride
4. The Mother of the Groom
5. Guests

If you show up at the wedding outshining anyone above you on the list you are a jerk.

(Apparently the men don't count because they are all the same. )

Is there actually any truth to this in your experience?

It's true. And smiling and nodding is an important skill set after the wedding, as well.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Smiling and nodding at the bride's plans implies that she consulted the mother of the groom at all, which seems unlikely to me. But if you do get a prospective daughter in law who shows even a feigned interest in your opinion, you should consider yourself lucky.

Also, they are not to dress nondescript, they are to dress in something nice in a color which neither matches the bride (first choice) nor the mother of the bride (second choice).

 

[puffkin]

Absolutely true. If my MIL would have done anything more than that, I would not have been happy (especially since DH and I along with my parents paid for everything).

I definitely think it depends on the relationship too of the bride with her own mother. I know Mother's of the Groom that were much more involved due to the bride's mother not being there, whether due to death or distance. But typically the OP's post is true.

I was kind of devastated when I found out my 2nd (and last) DS was a boy. I know in the whole scheme of things it's silly, but I really wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship like I have with my mom and this was one of the reasons why

 

[Happy Snowman]

Absolutely true. If my MIL would have done anything more than that, I would not have been happy (especially since DH and I along with my parents paid for everything).

I definitely think it depends on the relationship too of the bride with her own mother. I know Mother's of the Groom that were much more involved due to the bride's mother not being there, whether due to death or distance. But typically the OP's post is true.

I was kind of devastated when I found out my 2nd (and last) DS was a boy. I know in the whole scheme of things it's silly, but I really wanted to have a mother/daughter relationship like I have with my mom and this was one of the reasons why

I told our DD that if she married someone that only had brothers that she should make sure she included the MIL in the wedding planning, dress buying, etc....unless the MIL was a total _______

I think the main thing to consider is this is the bride and groom's day and even if you are paying 100% of the bills, you really should just smile and nod (as long as you have presented a budget and they are staying within budget).

 

[mmouse37]

Smiling and nodding at the bride's plans implies that she consulted the mother of the groom at all, which seems unlikely to me. But if you do get a prospective daughter in law who shows even a feigned interest in your opinion, you should consider yourself lucky.

Also, they are not to dress nondescript, they are to dress in something nice in a color which neither matches the bride (first choice) nor the mother of the bride (second choice).

Totally agree about the dress. My MOG dress was not nondescript at all. It was beautiful and the color fit in well with the overall color of the bridal party.

I am one lucky woman, my DIL did genuinely have an interest in my opinion and gave me pretty much free reign to pick a dress. We have a great relationship!

MJ

 

[kamik86]

My MIL passed away shortly before the wedding but in terms of what she did with planning she actually was never even expected to do that much. (My MIL was not someone you could trust to plan anything, where my family were all big planners so nothing could be left to chance that much.)

The only thing I would agree with on dress would be that you don't want to wear something that is 1) More formal then the wedding calls for or 2) a color that clashes with the bridesmaids dresses. At least not unless your TRYING not to be in any of the photos. So if the wedding is all being done in silver and blue don't wear something red. If this is a spring wedding where the bridesmaids are in short dresses and a less formal feel don't wear a ballgown.

 

[wendy46001]

We paid for our wedding so both our mothers joked their job was to
Shut up, show up and wear beige

Love all our parent to death but it was our party
so while we loved them we really didn't ask their input
(that said yes I took my mother dress shopping and yes MIL/Mother picked out dresses together)

 

[smiths02]

I don't know about the outshine part. As long as you don't wear something that could be mistaken as a wedding dress.
Seriously, if my future DIL has her wedding ruined because I looked better than her mom, then my son chose wrong.
But what do I know? DH and I eloped. I am not high maintenance, obviously.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Wow, if that is true for today's standards then that is so incredibly sad.

I have been married twice. My first MIL was a very sweet lady. She and I enjoyed working on the wedding plans together, I included her in everything. She was considerably older than my mom, and was self-conscious about her figure next to my mom (who was thinner), they also had less disposable income than my parents. I took great pleasure in shopping for and purchasing a dress for my future MIL that she never, ever would have bought for herself ($-wise) so that she would feel confident and cared for and important on her son's wedding day...and she did! She had a wonderful time at our wedding, enjoyed showing off her son and new DIL at the event. As it should be, imo!

My current dh's mom passed away in September after a brutal 8 months following a stroke. So I'm going to cry as I write this post as I miss her terribly. She wasn't so interested in planning the wedding, and we didn't go too overboard as it was a 2nd marriage for both of us, but I asked her what she would like to do to be part of the day and she was excited to do a reading. It was beautiful what she chose, and I cherish that moment especially now. She was the kind of MIL who I could really talk to, and yet she was always careful to say that what we did, decisions we made, were our business and didn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes my dh can be difficult, and we were allies in that. She knew him as well as I did, and understood when I was frustrated because he was being a poop. Our home was where she came (not either of her daughters') when she was recovering from surgery, or if her AC broke down in terrible heat. And I loved that.

Seriously, we women talk a good game about supporting each other and being there for one another...and yet as a society it seems like it's ok these days to treat our MILs as less than. I know so many women who refuse to see that often MILs (like all moms!!!) are just afraid of losing their kids, and just want to be included and appreciated for THEIR strengths. Neither of my MILs was my mother, but they were both my friend, my supporter, and for my current MIL, a wonderful, loving grandma. I know some women are just...not kind. I get that. But that isn't the majority. And that relationship needs to be built, it doesn't just happen. So gosh, I really hope that 'heirarchy' isn't true for most weddings happening these days!

 

[Happy Snowman]

Wow, if that is true for today's standards then that is so incredibly sad.

I have been married twice. My first MIL was a very sweet lady. She and I enjoyed working on the wedding plans together, I included her in everything. She was considerably older than my mom, and was self-conscious about her figure next to my mom (who was thinner), they also had less disposable income than my parents. I took great pleasure in shopping for and purchasing a dress for my future MIL that she never, ever would have bought for herself ($-wise) so that she would feel confident and cared for and important on her son's wedding day...and she did! She had a wonderful time at our wedding, enjoyed showing off her son and new DIL at the event. As it should be, imo!

My current dh's mom passed away in September after a brutal 8 months following a stroke. So I'm going to cry as I write this post as I miss her terribly. She wasn't so interested in planning the wedding, and we didn't go too overboard as it was a 2nd marriage for both of us, but I asked her what she would like to do to be part of the day and she was excited to do a reading. It was beautiful what she chose, and I cherish that moment especially now. She was the kind of MIL who I could really talk to, and yet she was always careful to say that what we did, decisions we made, were our business and didn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes my dh can be difficult, and we were allies in that. She knew him as well as I did, and understood when I was frustrated because he was being a poop. Our home was where she came (not either of her daughters') when she was recovering from surgery, or if her AC broke down in terrible heat. And I loved that.

Seriously, we women talk a good game about supporting each other and being there for one another...and yet as a society it seems like it's ok these days to treat our MILs as less than. I know so many women who refuse to see that often MILs (like all moms!!!) are just afraid of losing their kids, and just want to be included and appreciated for THEIR strengths. Neither of my MILs was my mother, but they were both my friend, my supporter, and for my current MIL, a wonderful, loving grandma. I know some women are just...not kind. I get that. But that isn't the majority. And that relationship needs to be built, it doesn't just happen. So gosh, I really hope that 'heirarchy' isn't true for most weddings happening these days!

Actually, I think more MOTG are involved in the planning now vs years ago when a mother of the groom truly was expected to wear beige and shut-up. Having a MIL on either side that is not easy to deal with is also not new.

 

[DopeyDame]

Like others have said, it obviously really depends on the relationship and people involved. But in general, yeah - that seems pretty on target.
But I'm not sure what else the MOG (or MOB for that matter) should really do? DH and I planned most of our wedding and reception. We took into account people's opinions, schedules, and tastes, but it was our wedding, so yeah - I sort of expected everyone else to smile and nod and go with the flow. I didn't demand they do anything in particular (truly couldn't have cared less what either MIL or my mom wore - I trusted them to look lovely and appropriate and they absolutely did), and we involved them in the plans, but I would have been pretty stunned if anyone other than DH said "nope, don't like that reception space, chose another" or some such nonsense.

 

[gwynne]

Wow, if that is true for today's standards then that is so incredibly sad.

I have been married twice. My first MIL was a very sweet lady. She and I enjoyed working on the wedding plans together, I included her in everything. She was considerably older than my mom, and was self-conscious about her figure next to my mom (who was thinner), they also had less disposable income than my parents. I took great pleasure in shopping for and purchasing a dress for my future MIL that she never, ever would have bought for herself ($-wise) so that she would feel confident and cared for and important on her son's wedding day...and she did! She had a wonderful time at our wedding, enjoyed showing off her son and new DIL at the event. As it should be, imo!

My current dh's mom passed away in September after a brutal 8 months following a stroke. So I'm going to cry as I write this post as I miss her terribly. She wasn't so interested in planning the wedding, and we didn't go too overboard as it was a 2nd marriage for both of us, but I asked her what she would like to do to be part of the day and she was excited to do a reading. It was beautiful what she chose, and I cherish that moment especially now. She was the kind of MIL who I could really talk to, and yet she was always careful to say that what we did, decisions we made, were our business and didn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes my dh can be difficult, and we were allies in that. She knew him as well as I did, and understood when I was frustrated because he was being a poop. Our home was where she came (not either of her daughters') when she was recovering from surgery, or if her AC broke down in terrible heat. And I loved that.

Seriously, we women talk a good game about supporting each other and being there for one another...and yet as a society it seems like it's ok these days to treat our MILs as less than. I know so many women who refuse to see that often MILs (like all moms!!!) are just afraid of losing their kids, and just want to be included and appreciated for THEIR strengths. Neither of my MILs was my mother, but they were both my friend, my supporter, and for my current MIL, a wonderful, loving grandma. I know some women are just...not kind. I get that. But that isn't the majority. And that relationship needs to be built, it doesn't just happen. So gosh, I really hope that 'heirarchy' isn't true for most weddings happening these days!

I agree with you, it is very sad. On the plus side, I have been able to help a couple of prospective MIL's understand some of this. Society seems to relish a nice cruel, snarky attack on all MIL's. It's much worse now that it was when I got married. I don't get anyone who assumes all of any "group" are exactly the same, but that's me.


Brides often hear and read (on message boards, mags) that this relationship is fraught with a lifetime of trouble.

JMO, but if a new or prospective MIL can stay in the background with an open mind and a kind heart it gives the relationship time to slowly grow. It stings to have to wait out the stereotype, but that's life. And my friends and I have found that being gently patient is tremendously helpful.

 

[anniemae]

It's all about the bride. The groom is just an accessory. Most women dream of their wedding when they are little girls. Boys? not so much. Most brides do the planning with their moms. The men just show up.

 

[Laura66]

It's all about the bride. The groom is just an accessory. Most women dream of their wedding when they are little girls. Boys? not so much. Most brides do the planning with their moms. The men just show up.

I knows you're just trying to be funny - but this is a stereotype that I just don't find to be true. Maybe boys don't dream of their wedding - but I think most plan their wedding together as a couple.

 

[DopeyDame]

I agree with you, it is very sad. On the plus side, I have been able to help a couple of prospective MIL's understand some of this. Society seems to relish a nice cruel, snarky attack on all MIL's. It's much worse now that it was when I got married. I don't get anyone who assumes all of any "group" are exactly the same, but that's me.


Brides often hear and read (on message boards, mags) that this relationship is fraught with a lifetime of trouble.

JMO, but if a new or prospective MIL can stay in the background with an open mind and a kind heart it gives the relationship time to slowly grow. It stings to have to wait out the stereotype, but that's life. And my friends and I have found that being gently patient is tremendously helpful.

I think this is great advice. I don't know that it's so much about the stereotype, though, and more just about giving any relationship time to build. Let's say an average couple has dated for 2 years or so before they get engaged. Especially if the MIL doesn't live in the same area as the couple, they very well may not have even met until a year or so before the engagement. And those meetings were probably polite and "good behavior" meetings. It takes time to get to know someone, and lots of day in and day out interactions to get comfortable with trusting and confiding in someone. So gently patient - on both sides of the relationship - is a great perspective to keep. That gives everyone time to genuinely get to know one another without fantasy-expectations of "instant daughter" or "instant mom"

 

[Hrhpd]

Wow, if that is true for today's standards then that is so incredibly sad.

I have been married twice. My first MIL was a very sweet lady. She and I enjoyed working on the wedding plans together, I included her in everything. She was considerably older than my mom, and was self-conscious about her figure next to my mom (who was thinner), they also had less disposable income than my parents. I took great pleasure in shopping for and purchasing a dress for my future MIL that she never, ever would have bought for herself ($-wise) so that she would feel confident and cared for and important on her son's wedding day...and she did! She had a wonderful time at our wedding, enjoyed showing off her son and new DIL at the event. As it should be, imo!

My current dh's mom passed away in September after a brutal 8 months following a stroke. So I'm going to cry as I write this post as I miss her terribly. She wasn't so interested in planning the wedding, and we didn't go too overboard as it was a 2nd marriage for both of us, but I asked her what she would like to do to be part of the day and she was excited to do a reading. It was beautiful what she chose, and I cherish that moment especially now. She was the kind of MIL who I could really talk to, and yet she was always careful to say that what we did, decisions we made, were our business and didn't give advice unless asked. Sometimes my dh can be difficult, and we were allies in that. She knew him as well as I did, and understood when I was frustrated because he was being a poop. Our home was where she came (not either of her daughters') when she was recovering from surgery, or if her AC broke down in terrible heat. And I loved that.

Seriously, we women talk a good game about supporting each other and being there for one another...and yet as a society it seems like it's ok these days to treat our MILs as less than. I know so many women who refuse to see that often MILs (like all moms!!!) are just afraid of losing their kids, and just want to be included and appreciated for THEIR strengths. Neither of my MILs was my mother, but they were both my friend, my supporter, and for my current MIL, a wonderful, loving grandma. I know some women are just...not kind. I get that. But that isn't the majority. And that relationship needs to be built, it doesn't just happen. So gosh, I really hope that 'heirarchy' isn't true for most weddings happening these days!

Your post warmed my heart. I hope my boys find women as sensible and caring as you are. They will be the lucky ones. My MIL was also an absolutely wonderful lady. She was completely different than my mother, but her wisdom and her take on life was appreciated.

That said, I have been married for over 30 years. I still remember the frustration I felt when my mother decided she had the right to plan part of the wedding since they were paying for it. Looking back, her decisions were spot on, but all the same I was still frustrated. I plan to stay way in the background for any planning for my boys unless asked my opinion. I would love to be invited to the wedding dress shopping, but I will not invite myself nor will I ever interfere with the bride and her mother.

 

[Arielle22]

I have 2 girls but I would expect them to treat their MIL the same way they treat me.

My mom and MIL were not that involved in our wedding 29 years ago. My mom, who had been widowed 2 years prior) was busy raising my 3 younger siblings. My MIL was busy working and helping raise her grandchildren from my BIL. I was low maintenance and never gave a thought to whether I viewed their dress choice as appropriate for the wedding.

MIL welcomed me into her family and my mom did likewise. Both joked that if we divorced they would keep the other spouse over their child. I hope my DD get MIL as nice as my mom and my MIL were.

 

[nugov2]

Totally agree about the dress. My MOG dress was not nondescript at all. It was beautiful and the color fit in well with the overall color of the bridal party.

I am one lucky woman, my DIL did genuinely have an interest in my opinion and gave me pretty much free reign to pick a dress. We have a great relationship!

MJ

That is how my wedding was too. I always find these mother in laws are treated like second class citizen threads disturbing. Even though I don't always agree with my MIL and she can get on my nerves(and I'm sure that cuts both ways), I have nothing but respect for her and am glad that both her and my FIL are active in our lives. I know there are MIL/FIL who are not nice people, but there are parents who fall into the same category. I mean the thought that someone would say the MIL shouldn't outshine the MOB or Bride is ludacris. I think the percentage of Mother's or MIL who would go out and try to outshine the bride is so small that it is silly to even discuss it. I have 2 boys and 1 girl and I hope I am included with my boys some day and that my dd will be just as inclusive or her future MIL. Family is important/valuable part of our lives and should be treated that way(and I do know that there are exceptions where people don't deserve to be a part of your lives b/c of their behavior, but most of what I read on here is petty crap...like MIL shouldn't outshine the bride.).