Is This Rude?

[Madi100]

We went to WDW in January of 2004. We invited my mom to go with us. At first it was just my mom and she was going to help watch our girls so we could have some time as just adults. As time went on my stepdad joined us because the room was paid for, and we covered a lot of the extras. We paid for my mom in exchange for babysitting. When we mentioned the trip to my dad and stepmom, my stepmom asked if they might go along. I told her my mom had already been invited.

So, fastforward to now. We are planning a trip for December of 2005. Now, of course, my step mom is really going to want to go. I really don't care if they go along. But, I'm thinking this is going to be our BIG Disney trip. We're going to stay in the Contemporary, and we are going to probably stay around 7 full days. Now this is our vacation. If my parents want to go along, fine. So be it. But, is it wrong that I'm not willing to make any adaptations to make them happy? If they would happen to want to go. I plan on telling the, "This is where we're going. This is how long we're staying. These are the acitivities we're going to do." Ideally, I don't want them to go with us. But, if they do, they are going on our vacation. Is that thinking wrong?

 

[briannesmom]

I know exactly what you are talking about. We are leaving on Christmas morning. At first it was just me, Dh and DD. Now my MIL, SIL, and DH grandparents are coming too. We never asked them to come they just are. We go through this every time we go to Disney. For this trip I made out kind of an itinerary and emailed it to everyone. I pretty much said this is what we are doing if you want to come fine if not we'll see you at the condo later. I swear on this trip we are not going to miss out on anything we want to do because someone else doesn't feel like doing it. We will have a few days by ourselves. My MIL and SIL are coming in on the 27th and Grandparents on the 28th (GPS live in FL). At least we will have a few days to do what we want without worring about anyone else.

I would suggest if they want to come just invite them for a few days. It is nice to have family join you on vacation but I need alone time with just DH and DD too. I will let you know how it works out when we get back.

Amy

 

[MissionMouse]

Our experience:

We have gone with grandparents twice and each time have set the ground rules prior. Our grandparents focus on the glass being half empty and appear to want all the attention...all the time.

We had an understanding with the grandparents to babysit the kids one evening so we could have a romantic evening...we cancelled it due to the behavior of the grandparents and all their whining. Even with the ground rules we still received enough turmoil to start taking away from the enjoyment of OUR vacation that we spent OUR money on.

Grandparents can start to consume all your vacation and free time if you do not guard it and protect your time, so you can actually have quality family time on vacation or home.

Our next trip to WDW, we will be keeping it simple and our group small. Our 2005 trip will be just us and we have told no one of our firm plans. We have learned from our own Disney trip history what works best for us. We work too hard and long all year to allow ourselves to degrade our familiy vacation.

 

[amyup]

Personally we prefer to have a grandparentless vacation. We have been on two vacations with grandparents and we just have so much more fun with our little family. If they insist on coming I would not make any concessions to what you planned and I would insist on time for just your "family".

 

[minkydog]

Our family has been to WDW once with our grandma (she's a widow) and we had a great, good time. But...it would have been different if my dad had been with us. i loved my dad,and he was a wonderful man. The problem is, the two of them used to bicker constantly. I can't tell you how many family events they have sullied with their back-biting. My kids didn't even want to be around them.
\
I guess what i'm trying to say is that every family has a different dynamic. Adding even one person to your dynamic changes the whole dynamic. Adding 3-4 more people leaves you with an unrecognizable entity. Only you can decide if you really want these people on your vacation. If so, go for it and understand that everyone will have to 'give" a little. If you don't want them, then don't tell them you're going to start with.

 

[adisneymama]

I will never travel with my in-laws again. We held my DD 2nd bday at Disney this past May and they were invited to come. They didn't do one thing with DD. All they wanted to do was walk around and shop. They wanted to do what they wanted or nothing. At one point we left them in epcot because we kept telling them that we needed to go feed DD and they wouldn't come (too busy shopping). Now, don't flame me we did have 2 way radios so they were able to find us later, but we were trying to make a point. Also, keep in mind that my DD birthday was also Mothers Day. Being as my MIL doesn't like me because I don't take crap from her abusive husband (who hit my DD when she was 18 mos for getting a kleenex!) she gave me a book on how to be a parent for my mothers day gift. Then we they got home, all they did was complain to everyone about how awful the trip was, Disney was over rated etc....

So NEVER again will I travel with these people. In fact, we are secretly planning on having DD 3rd bday at Disney again and this time it will be myself, DH, DD and a couple of friends I have met online that love Disney!

I like the itinerary idea. Let them know up front! Good luck and I hope you enjoy your vacation!

 

[Brian Noble]

Remind me again: which one is the parent?

I suspect that only you know the answer to this one, since each family is different. For my family, even if I was doing the paying, it would seem reasonable to take the grandparents' concerns into account when planning what to do when. That doesn't mean I would always plan around them, but that instead they would have some input.

Another thing to think about: you don't have to be together for the entire trip. It is perfectly reasonable to separate from time to time. In adisneymamma's example, I think it's perfectly fine to let the grandparents shop, feed DD, and tell 'em "we'll see you back at the ranch."

 

[adisneymama]

I wish it would have been that easy. They wouldn't go off on their own, but wouldn't let DD do anything either, because it was childish! HEllo...she is 2! My MIL thinks the only thing a child should be entertained by is the opera.

 

[eeyore0062]

No, I don't find it rude. My parents have gone with us twice, and we always go our separate ways for most of the day, meeting up for a meal sometime during the day. They will usually keep our DD one night so we can go to PI or resort hop, but we don't ask for anymore than that. They pay their way, and we pay ours. Sometimes we stay in the same resort, and sometimes we don't. Lay your cards on the table so everyone knows what to expect, and you should be fine!

 

[Ambassador]

It is not rude, but actually wise and considerate. Any gathering of family and friends brings different sets of expectations and agendas. It is advisable that everyone not spend every minute of every day together, and that you establish the rules and limits at the start. We learned this lesson the hard way with our beloved Uncle Ambassador, who will no longer vacation with us, which will be all the more enjoyable and less stressful for our Young Delegation anyway.

 

[canwegosoon]

I was just wondering if you were planning on paying for your step mom's trip?
If you have a problem with family relationship before you go, it will only be worse on a trip. But hopefully it is not that way for you. I would be up front, in a nice way, "these are the things that we would like to do on the vacation" if there are too many activities for their taste, I would decide ahead of time what you want to do as a whole family, just your immediate family, and just them. I would schedule plenty of time for people to do what they want. And just have an understanding ahead of time so everyone has a great time...I'm sure they would like an adult night at Epcot too!!!

 

[MrsPete]

This is why we don't travel with other people! Seriously, my husband loves all our family members, but he "gets his fill of them" in a hurry. He wants to go on vacation for downtime, and he doesn't get that with the extended family.

Since you're already in the situation, here's my suggestion: Host a pre-trip dinner at your house. Attendance is mandatory for all adults going on the trip. Ahead of time, type up a grid to represent morning/afternoon/evening for each day you'll be at Disney. Ask everyone to think ahead of time what parks they want to visit, what restaurants are "must dos", etc. If they're not familiar with Disney, you might want to lend your Disney guide books or recommend that they begin reading this board (after this post has disappeared, of course). Explain to them that there's so much to do, and you all need to make some decisions. Explain that you should make your PSs far in advance and that Disney ins't a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type place. At your dinner, TOGETHER you all decide what meals you plan to "share", when you and your husband expect to have some "couple time", etc. Then type this up for all adults.

Will this solve all your problems? Probably not, but it'll give you something to fall back upon.

 

[disneychrista]

My mom tagged along on our first and only trip to WDW. I gave her the speech how I had already done over a year of planning and did not want to change anything. That she needed to be okay with NOT wanting to do something and just stay back at the hotel or whatever. Or that if she wanted to do something that she also would need to be okay with going off on her own to do it. For the most part it turned out okay.

 

[C.Ann]

Interesting scenario.. When we made our trip it was to be only my DD, my son-in-law and my then not-quite-three yr.old granddaughter.. Soon my DD's in-laws decided they wanted to come along too.. Then 3 of my son-in-laws aunts jumped on the bandwagon.. Ended up with quite a crowd and a lot of confusion over who wanted to do what, who wanted to eat where, what time we were all meeting (and where), etc.. It was getting to be a challenge, not to mention a bit frustrating, and then the worse possible thing happened.. The terrorists began their strikes against the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.. Yup - it was the morning of Sept. 11, 2001 - and there we were, in the middle of Animal Kingdom.. There was confusion everywhere - terrible concern (being New Yorker's ourselves and having family members that worked in the WTC area) - fear that Florida might also be a target (after learning that the President was there) and a horrible, horrible disbelief that this could even be happening.. There was only ONE thing that helped us keep our wits about us - and that was the fact that we were all there TOGETHER..

It's a perfect example of how anything can happen - at any time - so if you have even a civil relationship with these other family members, go for it! Have the whole gang come along and make it the best time that you can..

 

[wendylovesdisney]

I just lived through this and will NEVER do it again. What a waste of my time, vacation and money! Go alone - go alone - go alone!
-Wendy

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

We recently went through this also- believe me, DO WHAT YOU WANT!!! Don't worry about everyone else. My in laws wanted to come along on OUR ANNIVERSARY trip to DW. We told them they may come for a weekend to spend some time with the kids, but no they invited themselves for the entire 10 days we were there. The ONLY thing that kept me sane was my BIL lives in Kissimmee so they stayed with him, not in our hotel room-THANK YOU JESUS!!

I also set ground rules before we left. They were told that we WILL want time alone, that there are special days that we have planned that no one is allowed to come with us, etc. I went so far as to make PS for different things, just for my family. We also went on the FM tour, just us. I don't feel I was rude doing these things because they invited themselves on OUR vacation.

I repeat: DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!

 

[alohamom]

I do not think you are being rude and based on your past experience I suspect you should try to just go yourselves. Life is way too short to not enjoy yourself in Disney!!!!!I also have experience with this. About 6 years ago my mom tagged along with us to a condo we had paid for in Kauai. My DD was just under 2 years old and we thought we might be able to get out a few nights alone!HAHAHA. We got one dinner by ourselves and paid for it with guilt trips for the rest of the vacation! I also want to point out to you that I remember one year when I was about 10 that my grandmother came on vacation with us to Willamsburg. What an absolute nightmare!!!!My parents fought the whole time, my sister was in tears half the time and my grandmother pouted! DONT DO IT!

 

[minkydog]

This thread reminded me that my BIL invited my mom to go on a three week vacation with them last summer (sis, BIL, 3yo, 16yo). They all traveled in a truck, pulling a camper, all the way to California from Alabama. I think BIL had teh idea that it would be great family fun to set out on the road, sleeping in a different place every night, seeing the good ol' USA. Not to mention free child care. I tried to tell them, but nobody would listen.

Here's the run down:
-BIL refused to make reservations at Grand Canyon Memorial Day weekend--no sites, had to dry camp 30 miles in the middle of nowhere; GM mad
-BIL got lost,fought with sis;GM fussing
-BIL backed trailer into a wall, blamed sis;GM got involved.
-3yo cried and whined, had to watch Toy Story 150 times; GM fuming
-16yo refused to do his Chemistry homework in the backseat with GM & 3yo while crossing the state of Utah; BIL & sis yelling, GM yelling
-BIL wanted to make 600 miles a day, no matter what; GM pouting, wants to go to a hotel
-GM yells at BIL, 16yo gets involved, GM pops 16yo, all h*** breaks loose.

you get the picture. Three weeks across the southwest in summer, to Grand Canyon, Salt Lake City, Yellowstone, St. Louis, and back to Mobile.

My BIL was so fed up with my mother that by the time they got close to home, he wouldn't even stop to eat--he just wanted her out of there. They still have not stopped complaining about each other.

I really did try to warn them.

Cathy

 

[ducklite]

I don't think it's at all rude.

My in-laws are PITA's when it comes to being where we need to be when we need to be there.

I made up a scedule with all the PS's, where they were and what time, etc.

We made it clear as day that they were free to meet us there ten minutes before our PS time, and go do their own thing during the day, but that we wouldn't wait for them for dinner, and if they chose not to eat with us they'd be on their own.

It worked out really well for everyone, they could dawdle about all day, but they did make the effort to have dinner with us at night.

Anne

 

[MPLsDad]

My family of 3 went with with my cousin and aunt and 3 nieces and nephews and we had a great time as soon as we realized that everyone did not have to do everything that everyone else wanted to do. It's okay to stay back at the hotel and not do a park, or only some go to the pool. It's important to remember that each person is having a vacation and each person has different needs. Let everyone tend to their own needs and it will be fine.