Is there a word for mothers like this?

[Wishing on a star]

I've also seen examples of this on the Nanny shows!

 

[Marseeya]

Um that is the defination of inconsistancy.

It apears to me that being a parent is a damned if you do, damned if you don't type of thing. I can see some one starting a thread because the mother gave in and let her child run a muck around the center (something that personally would bother me more.) I don't think she did anything wrong.

I think that instead of griping about other people we should consider what WE can do to make situations better. Not only for our own parenting skills, but even to help other people. Did anyone else there even consider for a moment that something they could do could make it better? A smile to the mother, the receptionest offering to let them sit in a waiting room, an offer of a book to look at?

I have been a social worker and therapist for 10 years and belive me I have seen all kinds of parents. Some good, (but with huge challenages,) some not so good. Never have giving disaproving looks helped, ever. Many of them have become better parents with help support and encouragment. Please keep that in mind.

You're ignoring the rest of my post where I mention inflexibility. Is inflexibility and rigidity any better? If a child wants a second chance to prove himself, what is so wrong with giving him a chance?

We just did that with our 14 year old (bipolar, ADHD, ODD) and it worked beautifully. Because we are consistent all the rest of the time, I am able to be flexible when the situation warrants it.

And sorry, but if I'm sick enough to be sitting in a doctor's office, I'm not worried about what I can do to make things better for another parent.

In a restaurant or other place, sure. When I'm sick, no.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I tend to agree with your post Marseeya. There are sometimes exceptions. And, I am a very firm believer in strong consistant discipline.


I am wondering if anyone else here sees the problem that I have noticed in how the Mother handled this with with Noah.

To me, she is showing HUGE inconsistancy in how she is dealing with each of the siblings. I am thinking that this is how she commonly operates. (Not just because she was ill.) She is placing semi-adult expectations on the older preschooler. She was placing all the blame on Noah. (Talk about setting the stage for some unhealthy sibling rivalry and resentment.)

I think that this was really the cause of the worst of the ruckus!
It wasn't the fact that she used discipline. But how she did it.

 

[RitaZ.]

To me, she is showing HUGE inconsistancy in how she is dealing with each of the siblings. I am thinking that this is how she commonly operates. (Not just because she was ill.) She is placing semi-adult expectations on the older preschooler. She was placing all the blame on Noah. (Talk about setting the stage for some unhealthy sibling rivalry and resentment.)

I think that this was really the cause of the worst of the ruckus!
It wasn't the fact that she used discipline. But HOW she did it.

Wishing on a star, you were able to determine all that from a brief description and a situation that you didn't even witness. Wow!

 

[inaminute]

You're ignoring the rest of my post where I mention inflexibility. Is inflexibility and rigidity any better? If a child wants a second chance to prove himself, what is so wrong with giving him a chance?

In some cases, yes. Inflexibility and rigidity are better solutions than giving in to bad behvior. Teaching children how to behave in public is definitely one of those times when rigidity is appropriate.

Noah is behaving badly at the doctor's office. He gets away with it. He goes with mom to the store. He behaved badly last time and it was o.k. Does he get away with behaving badly at the store? No. Noah is now confused. He has to misbehave at every opportunity to see whether it's o.k.

If Mom stuck to her guns and insisted that he conduct himself properly in public, he knows what is expected. When he behaves badly and is disciplined, he has an opportunity to prove himself the next time they go out in public.

Bad behavior in public needs to be dealt with immediately and consistently.

 

[CathrynRose]

Why does she have to give in to her kid?

By setting a punishment, then backing down to "give them another chance" you have just taught your child that you make empty threats, and can be bullied by a child. It doesn't matter where it happens, the child doesn't care where they are.

And maybe if she was relaly sick and not up to the fight with the child, she just couldn't get back into the referee job between the kids.

I agree - 100%

Parents "giving another chance" is why we see so many unbehaved children, IMO.

 

[Marseeya]

I agree - 100%

Parents "giving another chance" is why we see so many unbehaved children, IMO.

It works for me. I get a lot of compliments on my kids, especially my youngest, so I must be doing something right.

My kids don't misbehave in public. They learned at a very early age how to behave in public and the rare times they did, they were whisked away to the car to sit. There were plenty of times DH or I had to sit in a car with a stewing child.

 

[DisneyPhD]

You're ignoring the rest of my post where I mention inflexibility. Is inflexibility and rigidity any better? If a child wants a second chance to prove himself, what is so wrong with giving him a chance?

We just did that with our 14 year old (bipolar, ADHD, ODD) and it worked beautifully. Because we are consistent all the rest of the time, I am able to be flexible when the situation warrants it.

And sorry, but if I'm sick enough to be sitting in a doctor's office, I'm not worried about what I can do to make things better for another parent.

In a restaurant or other place, sure. When I'm sick, no.

You are talking about a 14 year old (bipolar ADHD, ODD) child. Not a 3 to 5 year old. There is a big difference there. Actually it sounds like you are talking about Ross Greenes book, the explosive chiid, very good with 14 year old bipolar kids ) If you haven't heard of it, let me know and I will give you more info on it.

I am also sure that as a parent of a child as you have discribed you had your fair share of people prematurly judging and blaming your for child behaviors. Yes, there are things you as a parent can do to make the situation much better, but YOU did not cause your child to be this way. Just as a stranger is not an expert on how to raise your child, we are not for this poor lady who someone witnessed having a bad day.

I am glad what you are doing works for you. That is wonderful that you have well behaved children in puplic. However what works for you, might not for every other parent and child. I agree with you that if I am sick in a Dr office the comfort of others is not the 1st thing on my mind.


My point is I am very tried of people being so critical of others, with very little info or insight into the situation. Come on, we are parents lets try to stick together during the hard times instead of judge. Does it really make us good parents to point fingers at others and say "I do't do that?"

 

[Marseeya]

You are talking about a 14 year old (bipolar ADHD, ODD) child. Not a 3 to 5 year old. There is a big difference there. Actually it sounds like you are talking about Ross Greenes book, the explosive chiid, very good with 14 year old bipolar kids ) If you haven't heard of it, let me know and I will give you more info on it.

No, I haven't read that book, but explosive sure does describe it. Is the book particularly for bipolar? My big thing when the kids were little was 1-2-3 Magic and it truly did work... well, like magic. Oddly enough, DS was the one who never had to get past 1, and rarely 2, but my "normal" and extremely well-behaved (civilized, she likes to call herself) child always got just a smidge past 2 every time.

But anyway, I was flexible like that even when they were kids -- but not to the point of inconsistency.

 

[DisneyPhD]

No, I haven't read that book, but explosive sure does describe it. Is the book particularly for bipolar? My big thing when the kids were little was 1-2-3 Magic and it truly did work... well, like magic. Oddly enough, DS was the one who never had to get past 1, and rarely 2, but my "normal" and extremely well-behaved (civilized, she likes to call herself) child always got just a smidge past 2 every time.

But anyway, I was flexible like that even when they were kids -- but not to the point of inconsistency.

We use 123 magic around here too.

Here is some web links on it. I used it and gave the book to a mother of a 10 year old bipolar child we treated at my center. I also went to a workshop he did. Very interesteing.

http://www.explosivechild.com/

http://www.homeschoolzone.com/add/greene.htm

If do you a search you can find more, but this should show enough to see if it worth it to get from the libary for you.

Good luck.

(see how great support can be?)

Oh anyone who is interested here is a link to the 123 magic by Tomas W. Phelan. PhD.
http://www.parentmagic.com/

Hope this info is helpful to someone.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Oh, after that fact I was thinking that 123 magic talks about NOT geting into the negoeation or manitupation pitfalls with it. Especaily in 3 to 5 year olds. (more flexibility is alowd in pre teens and teens) IF this mother had used this aprouch Noah would of know where the limits where and how far he could of taken it. However as it was she stuck to her decssion, you have to respect her for that. As a parent we pick our battles. This was one she might of regreated later, but she did and stuck to it as hard as it was for her, Noah and everyone else in that office.

I have to admit normally what is going through my mind when I am out in puplic and I hear a crying or bratty kid is "Thank God that isn't my child and I can walk way." Too bad sometimes it is my child and that doesn't work as well

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wishing on a star, you were able to determine all that from a brief description and a situation that you didn't even witness. Wow!

Ohhhh, thanks so much!!!

Needless to say, I was not there. But, the OP did give a fairly detailed description of how the Mother interacted with Noah. And, that truly is the impression that I got from what I read. I even quoted the OP to back up my observations.

Hey, this is a chat-board. We are all, every single one of us, offering our thoughts, based solely on what was posted. Sorry, but throwing insults at me, how is that adding anything positive here... Jeez...

I have not jumped to harsh judgments of the mother here... I truly feel sorry for her having such a difficult time. However, I do agree with the OP that the way she appears to have handled it escalated the situation. (Thus the OP's complaint) And, I do see possible problems with her expectations of the two preschoolers, especially the older one.

If you don't agree, then hey, fine.

But rest assured that the snide remarks aren't making your case.