Is there a way to end this debate?

[RVGal]

A little background...

My sister and her partner have been together for over 15 years.

My mom is almost 76 years old.

I am the designated peace-maker in my family.

Okay, so here is the debate I find myself in the middle of regularly. My mom will make a comment about my sister wearing "men's clothes". My sister will say something back about how they are "just clothes" and she buys what is comfortable. My mom will inevitably ask, "What department in the store did you buy them from?" My sister will say, "The men's department, but what does that have to do with anything?"

And they are off and running.

I have tried, almost every time, to tell them that they are having a chicken-or-the-egg debate. Which comes first? Are they simply clothes until they are bought and whoever wears them determines if they are mens/womens? Or are they mens/womens clothes prior to purchase? I can see arguing it either way. I'm just sick of getting caught in the middle.

Is there another way of shutting this particular debate down that I am missing?

 

[dauser]

Hi-

I assume that your sister is out to your mom since she's been with her partner for 15 years. It sounds like you are upset with the situation, but that your sister's honesty with the situation provokes your mom.

Have you talked to your sister about this? Is she perhaps provoking your mom on purpose in order to try to get your mom to think differently?

Also, does your mom accept the other aspects of your sister's lifestyle but disagree with how she dresses, or is she against your sister being a lesbian in general?

If the only issue is with how your sister dresses, then I think the best thing is to accept that this is how your mother is at the age of 76, and find a way to deflect these questions. If it is a larger issue of your mother not accepting your sister's lifestyle, then I would recommend something such as joining P-FLAG or other support groups. For my parents, they talked to their primary doctor about what was going on with me, and he led them to some resources to help deal with this.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Rick

 

[Abbie]

Oh, oh, pick me, pick me!! I know the answer to this one! The solution is simple: remove yourself from the debate. Allow them to debate it until the cows come home, don't get involved at all. I've learned this after many years of also being the "peacemaker" in the family. Simply choose to not put yourself in that role if it's upsetting you. Just refuse. You can do it!

 

[Wanna go to Disney?]

Thats very good advice!

 

[TimTanyaMichael]

Ummm, this may be way too easy of an answer, but why don't you all move to a nudist colony. Level the playing field.

 

[odd1]

I agree with the general concensus -- you just leave it alone. I know it can get annoying to have to listen to bickering, but they apparently enjoy it and have no immediate plans to stop. Go figure -- some people just can't help themselves. If your sister were anything like me she would have made it plain a long time ago that her choices of clothing have nothing to do with her mom or anyone else and no comments about them were welcome.

 

[RVGal]

Yes, my sister is out. Has been since she and her partner got together. My mom is okay with that. She has said to me (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I wish that she wasn't a lesbian only because it makes her life more difficult... and as her mom, I don't want anyone giving my baby a hard time just because she is who she is." That is the only type of comment I've ever heard from my mom about my sister, and I only heard that a few times years ago.

My mom is of the generation that was raised with women wearing dresses. I think she told me she bought her first pair of pants when she was 17. I'm sure that has a lot to do with her perspective on things.

It is an old debate and it may even be one they enjoy, but it isn't fun for me when I'm a witness. I guess it is worse right now because my mom is living with my sister and her partner... and they are all living next door to me. My father passed away last year and we are all still trying to find our feet. I guess the fact that we are in close daily contact again after years apart means that we are all more sensitive and irratable than normal.

I have tried... really... to stay out of it when they go at it.

I guess I just need to accept that they will pick at each other from time to time and let it go. Sigh.

 

[RickinNYC]

I agree with those others that have said to just step away. It's pretty clear that you mother and sister can't pick their battles if they both get worked up over something that is essentially petty. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't pick your own. This shouldn't be one of them.

Use your peace keeping skills for what's important.

 

[I<3EvilQueen]

Or play the tricky card and buy your mom something that is comfy and unisex, (or at least not to "men's)... then if you mom says that it is comfy tell her came from the men's dept


Otherwise, I don't think there is a way to end the debate

 

[buckylarue]

Tell her Katherine Hepburn got away with wearing men's suits from the 1930's on, and it didn't limit who she was or what she did in any way; in fact, it helped free her to form her own path in life, unfettered by society's conventions.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Perhaps their aruguing over the mens or womens clothing issue keeps them from arguing over more serious topics. As long as it's a discussion, albeit annoying to you, over something so inconsequential as clothing, be grateful!

It's more important that your Mother is accepting (or at least voices acceptance) of your Sister.

 

[darlak]

I know that you may find this hard to believe right now, but I predict that one day you and your sister will laugh over the memories of these arguments. Both of my parents and all of my grandparents have been dead for a few years. I still miss all of them daily, but we have reached a point where we are able to laughingly remember many little quirks about all of them that one day used to irritate us. These memories are almost always shared at family gatherings and holiday dinners.

I'm going to add another vote for letting them settle the debates themselves, but I will add a suggestion for you to take notes of anything especially amusing!

 

[RVGal]

I had a conversation with my sister about it. She feels that it is no big deal. It is a way for them to let off steam, especially now that they are all living together. It is not anything that she expects to change.

I guess I will just have to learn to look at it differently.

Do you think I could get away with poking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "LA LA LA LA LA... I can't hear you... LA LA LA LA LA..."???

 

[Safari Queen]

Leave the room when they start. Explain that you have no interest in hearing the same discussion again. That's all you can do, since they both seem to be willing participants.

 

[padalyn]

when my mom and brother start in (vary rarely now since he lives in Calif and never comes east any more) I would take out a book and just sit there and read - in front of them...used to irritate them BOTH! then they would stop, so I wouldput the book away.

(I always had to reread what ever I read during the arguement anyway so it was interesting to see the results!)

You could just walk out of the room - go watch tv or something.