Is Love Enough??

[LaceyLace]

I am in a heartbreaking situation right now, and I'm not sure if it's me that's the cause of it or not.

I have dated a man for the past three years now, but find myself unable to commit myself to him or bring myself to say "I love you" even though I really do feel that I love him. He has no qualms about letting me know he loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday if/when I'm ready.

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. However, I am struggling with the fact that we are very different people. Have no idea how we ended up in such a serious relationship - we don't even look like we belong together - but it just happened.

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

It sounds like I'm putting him down, but he's been truly wonderful to me, he's faithful, loyal, sensitive, honest, hardworking, funny, intelligent, patient, and downright sexy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him. I just can't. I can't get past this hurdle of his past.

We have recently called it off because of our differences and MY inability to get over the fact that we're different and have very different upbringings and values. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we're not "right" for each other, or do I dig deep and find a way to overcome our differences. Honestly, I thought I could do that, but it's been 3 years and I'm no closer to a resolution than I was when we first started dating.

I have never been around a man like him before. I don't know if I'm truly living in a bubble or if there's truly something wrong here and I need to end it here and now despite the incredible pain I am feeling at the very thought of walking away from him and never being a part of his life again.

I thought love could conquer all, but we can't seem to get there. I want to commit to someone that I can be a soul mate with and I'm not sure how 2 different people can ever be that despite their love for each other.

 

[Eliza32]

All I can say is that if you truly want it to work, you will find a way.

 

[ilovemk76]

I am in a heartbreaking situation right now, and I'm not sure if it's me that's the cause of it or not.

I have dated a man for the past three years now, but find myself unable to commit myself to him or bring myself to say "I love you" even though I really do feel that I love him. He has no qualms about letting me know he loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday if/when I'm ready.

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. However, I am struggling with the fact that we are very different people. Have no idea how we ended up in such a serious relationship - we don't even look like we belong together - but it just happened.

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

It sounds like I'm putting him down, but he's been truly wonderful to me, he's faithful, loyal, sensitive, honest, hardworking, funny, intelligent, patient, and downright sexy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him. I just can't. I can't get past this hurdle of his past.

We have recently called it off because of our differences and MY inability to get over the fact that we're different and have very different upbringings and values. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we're not "right" for each other, or do I dig deep and find a way to overcome our differences. Honestly, I thought I could do that, but it's been 3 years and I'm no closer to a resolution than I was when we first started dating.

I have never been around a man like him before. I don't know if I'm truly living in a bubble or if there's truly something wrong here and I need to end it here and now despite the incredible pain I am feeling at the very thought of walking away from him and never being a part of his life again.

I thought love could conquer all, but we can't seem to get there. I want to commit to someone that I can be a soul mate with and I'm not sure how 2 different people can ever be that despite their love for each other.

Did your first husband die? You say there is not divorce in your family but you are a single woman with adult kids.

After three years, if you cannot commit then it is time to release him and move on.

 

[brymolmom]

I have to say that I think your decision is a good one. To walk away even when it is very difficult sounds best to me in this situation. And it is NOT because you are very different - that, I think can be worked out. It was mostly due to your reference of not fitting in with each other's friends. IMO, if you don't hang out with each other's friends or even just make new friends together that work out for both of you - you aren't sharing your whole life and are asking for trouble.

Marriage is VERY tough at times. If you aren't certain 110% then I think you made the right choice as it is bound to only get more difficult (at least at times) down the line.

I think you would know by now if you had found your soul mate...And not still be trying to determine that years later.

Best of luck moving on. Stay strong.

 

[LaceyLace]

DRAT!! This has nothing to do with money/budget - I posted on the wrong board! I thought for sure I was on the Community Board when I posted. Arg.

Is there a way to move threads or should I just repost?

And thank you, Eliza32, for your kind words. I want it to work. I just can't find the way.

 

[LaceyLace]

Did your first husband die? You say there is not divorce in your family but you are a single woman with adult kids.

After three years, if you cannot commit then it is time to release him and move on.

I divorced to the absolute shock of my family. Nobody in my family has gone down this route before.

 

[girli565]

If this is such a big issue for you, and you cannot get past this to move forward in your relationship than that should tell you exactly what you need to know.

Be open with him and tell him exactly what you said here and try to work on it or cut him loose completely because it's not fair to string him along while you make up your mind. If you can't love him than you need to tell him and find someone you can love. You both deserve to find someone where love flows both ways.

 

[budafam]

Your story sounds a bit like mine in a way. Although I was younger when I met my DH, we were from 2 different worlds. I had a very intact family and was raised without drugs/alcohol/divorce. My husband was kicked out of his mom's house at age 17 for causing so much trouble. He can't even count how many different schools he went to or how many houses they lived in. With this being said, I can't believe my dad allowed him to "move in" to our house after I had only been dating him for 2 weeks. He has been the best husband I could ever have asked for. All he needed was a chance to show what he's made of. He's the hardest working man I've ever known and has provided for us as a family ever since. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I'm so happy I took the chance with him. I say go for it.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

The bolded would be enough for me to stay away no matter how well they treated me. There are some things that I could never accept.

I was raised a lot like you too so maybe that's why I feel the way that I do.

Good luck to you, but I personally think you have made the right move by ending this.

 

[budafam]

Your story sounds a bit like mine in a way. Although I was younger when I met my DH, we were from 2 different worlds. I had a very intact family and was raised without drugs/alcohol/divorce. My husband was kicked out of his mom's house at age 17 for causing so much trouble. He can't even count how many different schools he went to or how many houses they lived in. With this being said, I can't believe my dad allowed him to "move in" to our house after I had only been dating him for 2 weeks. He has been the best husband I could ever have asked for. All he needed was a chance to show what he's made of. He's the hardest working man I've ever known and has provided for us as a family ever since. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I'm so happy I took the chance with him. I say go for it.

 

[Leshaface]

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

(

The bolded is what scares me a bit. What if, later on down the line, this is something he wanted, would you go for this?

I think you made the right decision to step away from this...at least for now.

 

[kimgg]

If you both have adult children, do you really have to commit? If you love him, you could let his past go. It's in his past, after all. You say you believe he would be faithful, so his past shouldn't play a part especially if those things happened when he was younger. Would he stop trading naked pictures for you if you asked? Just looking at other women should not be an issue, yes men do look at other women, so just stop looking at him looking?

I think as we age, it is harder to find others to spend time with. Like Dear Abby used to say, are you better off with him or without him? Are you happier without him? It doesn't sound like it.

Why not just keep dating and spending time together? If I ever found myself divorced or widowed, I'd have no intention of marrying again. I'd be fine alone, or dating one special person would be the icing on the cake. Marriage would just be a happy surprise that would not be necessary for a happy life.

People do grow and change. The question is can you?

Maybe you posted on this board for a good reason. I believe in fate

Good luck to both of you whatever you decide.

 

[KennesawNemo]

The bolded would be enough for me to stay away no matter how well they treated me. There are some things that I could never accept.

I was raised a lot like you too so maybe that's why I feel the way that I do.

Good luck to you, but I personally think you have made the right move by ending this.

same here. I wouldn't even go on one date with such kind of man and, for me, love is never enough.

 

[LaceyLace]

Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Sounds like the majority of you are saying to walk away and don't look back.

My fear is that I could be making a grave mistake by throwing away a very good thing here. But yet, I understand that I can't keep "stringing him along" while I try to make up my mind what to do.

I just care so much for him. Really sucks when you fall in love with the one man that may not be compatible.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

ALL men look. Sorry to burst your bubble here, but he's dead on with that one.

That's not to say all men have lived in "open" relationships, have a history of drug abuse, or swap porn with their grown sons though.

 

[SaraJayne]

ALL men look. Sorry to burst your bubble here, but he's dead on with that one.

That's not to say all men have lived in "open" relationships, have a history of drug abuse, or swap porn with their grown sons though.

Yup, all men look. But as long as DH doesn't stop looking at me, I'm ok with it.

Two thumbs up to your second paragraph.

 

[kimgg]

What others think you should do is not important. It's what YOU want to do that matters.

Have you seen the movie Lady and the Tramp? You sound a lot like them. I know life is not a movie, but movie themes come from real life situations.

I think what is matters, is how he is now. Is he still wanting to do threesomes? Is he going to the mall to meet girls himself or is he spending time w/ his sons who like to do so? Are his money problems serious enough that it is affecting you? Sounds like you are comfortable w/ your own $, if he can take care of himself that's what matters.

I work with children from abused, choaotic homes. I hate to think that their future romatic partners would hold their pasts against them all their lives. I think what matters is how he acts towards you now.

Again, I would not rush in to marriage feeling the confusion that you do, but being companions and dating gives you more time to figure out how he is going to be in the future.

I kind of think you are embarrassed by him. I can completely understand that. I feel that way about my husband all the time

Seriously, if you feel so conflicted, don't rush your decision. Take your time and don't go by what others think. Unless it is a safety issue, which I think you would have mentioned, go by how he makes you feel when you are together the majority of the time. No matter how similar of a background, no two people are perfectly compatiable. None that I've met, anyway.

 

[SaraJayne]

What others think you should do is not important. It's what YOU want to do that matters.

Have you seen the movie Lady and the Tramp? You sound a lot like them. I know life is not a movie, but movie themes come from real life situations.

I think what is matters, is how he is now. Is he still wanting to do threesomes? Is he going to the mall to meet girls himself or is he spending time w/ his sons who like to do so? Are his money problems serious enough that it is affecting you? Sounds like you are comfortable w/ your own $, if he can take care of himself that's what matters.

I work with children from abused, choaotic homes. I hate to think that their future romatic partners would hold their pasts against them all their lives. I think what matters is how he acts towards you now.

Again, I would not rush in to marriage feeling the confusion that you do, but being companions and dating gives you more time to figure out how he is going to be in the future.

I kind of think you are embarrassed by him. I can completely understand that. I feel that way about my husband all the time

Seriously, if you feel so conflicted, don't rush your decision. Take your time and don't go by what others think. Unless it is a safety issue, which I think you would have mentioned, go by how he makes you feel when you are together the majority of the time. No matter how similar of a background, no two people are perfectly compatiable. None that I've met, anyway.

Three years is plenty of time to figure out whether they are compatible or not.

I sure wish the search feature wasn't disabled.

 

[kirstenb1]

I think you've really answered this yourself OP. You have named several reasons the two of you are incompatible. As hard as it is, both of you deserve to move on, and find "the one".

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yup, all men look. But as long as DH doesn't stop looking at me, I'm ok with it.

10-4 - works both ways. My wife LOVES the Fast & Furious movies & I know darn well she isn't into cars