Is it wrong to spank your child?

[PoohnPglet]

Please, come to my house and find my child's "currency"! Believe me, their are children whose stubborness outweighs anything else. I actually was one of them, so I guess I am just getting the "what goes around, comes around" thing with my son. I am so proud of his independence and strong-will, it will get him far in life, but at this age it is just SO frustrating. I do extend my child's timeout for every offense, it is not a matter of that I am not willing to keep him there that long. He is not spanked because I am "worn" out, believe me, I am much more stubborn than he is. But at some point there has to be something done that will stop his behavior.

I am so happy for you that you have kids that just comply to the timeout thing, but there are kids who don't. It is not a reflection on my ability as a parent, it is his personality. When I put him back in timeout for the 100th time and he bites me, what is your solution? I keep asking what are the other methods at this point that I have not already tried, and really have not gotten an answer. My son knows I am not "playing", I follow through on everything I say, but sometimes he just doesn't care. I have tried stuff I have seen in the "nanny" shows, still doesn't work. I am not a angry, abusive parent who does not care. I do not think spankings are the solution to everything. I am just trying to raise a well behaved, well adjusted child. If you have another solution for me, please supply it.

I have asked several times on this thread for alternatives to what I am doing. It is almost as frustrating to be told that there are "other methods" by people that do not describe them as it is to have a child fighting you to sit in time out. I am not trying to single you out as a poster, but if someone does have advice on what else I could do, I would like to hear it instead of being told I am a bad parent for trying to do what I feel is best for my child.

And I have been much more than "hit" as a child. I know very well the difference between abuse and spankings. There IS a difference.

I guess I would have to say that if my child was biting and fighting me, I would consult a doctor about the situation.

 

[N.Bailey]

Nope. Don't have one of those, thanks.

My point was that it is not acceptable anywhere else under any other circumstance for one person to physically discipline another, yet somehow it is ok for a parent to due so to a child, right?

Well, it's not acceptable for your boss to give you a time-out or your husband to take away privileges either, but you see only want you wish to see.

It's a parent's job to parent.

It's okay for a parent to spank (not beat) because it's a parent's duty to raise that child. No boss or police have that obligation to YOUR child.

 

[PoohnPglet]

If this is a strong argument via your eyes, then please do tell us all when the last time your husband sent you to your room, or took away your TV privileges because he didn't like something you did?

Then, tell us the last time your boss sent you to the corner for a time-out?

If that doesn't show you how silly your analogy was, nothing will I'm afraid.

I believe that you are deliberately misunderstanding my point. I could not be more clear, but you seem determined not to see.
Good luck to you.

 

[N.Bailey]

I believe that you are deliberately misunderstanding my point. I could not be more clear, but you seem determined not to see.
Good luck to you.

The point is, you're trying to tell me no one else in society goes around hitting because they didn't approve of your behavior (whatever that behavior might be). You are correct, but I am telling you that no one else in society goes around taking privileges away or giving you time outs either.

Of course no one else does either of these things because society in general is not responsible for YOUR kids. YOU are! So while what you say is true, what I am saying is equally as true and it's not a good argument for why a parent shouldn't have the right to smack when they see fit.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Please, come to my house and find my child's "currency"! Believe me, their are children whose stubborness outweighs anything else. I actually was one of them, so I guess I am just getting the "what goes around, comes around" thing with my son. I am so proud of his independence and strong-will, it will get him far in life, but at this age it is just SO frustrating. I do extend my child's timeout for every offense, it is not a matter of that I am not willing to keep him there that long. He is not spanked because I am "worn" out, believe me, I am much more stubborn than he is. But at some point there has to be something done that will stop his behavior.

I am so happy for you that you have kids that just comply to the timeout thing, but there are kids who don't. It is not a reflection on my ability as a parent, it is his personality. When I put him back in timeout for the 100th time and he bites me, what is your solution? I keep asking what are the other methods at this point that I have not already tried, and really have not gotten an answer. My son knows I am not "playing", I follow through on everything I say, but sometimes he just doesn't care. I have tried stuff I have seen in the "nanny" shows, still doesn't work. I am not a angry, abusive parent who does not care. I do not think spankings are the solution to everything. I am just trying to raise a well behaved, well adjusted child. If you have another solution for me, please supply it.

I have asked several times on this thread for alternatives to what I am doing. It is almost as frustrating to be told that there are "other methods" by people that do not describe them as it is to have a child fighting you to sit in time out. I am not trying to single you out as a poster, but if someone does have advice on what else I could do, I would like to hear it instead of being told I am a bad parent for trying to do what I feel is best for my child.

And I have been much more than "hit" as a child. I know very well the difference between abuse and spankings. There IS a difference.

Can you catch him off guard and just hug him? I'm not saying that you don't hug him, but maybe he gears himself up for the fight because it is what he expects.

Just throwing it out there!

 

[PoohnPglet]

The point is, you're trying to tell me no one else in society goes around hitting because they didn't approve of your behavior (whatever that behavior might be). You are correct, but I am telling you that no one else in society goes around taking privileges away or giving you time outs either.

Of course no one else does either of these things because society in general is not responsible for YOUR kids. YOU are! So while what you say is true, what I am saying is equally as true and it's not a good argument for why a parent shouldn't have the right to smack when they see fit.

I had something all typed up and ready to go, but something tells me it would be a waste of my time to post it.

Again, good luck to you.

 

[N.Bailey]

I had something all typed up and ready to go, but something tells me it would be a waste of my time to post it.

Again, good luck to you.

See, you only see what you want to see. Everything isn't as black and white as you're trying to make it out to be.

 

[Aidensmom]

For the OP that says her family remarks how well behaved her child is---well behaved means biting you??? aaagh. That is a very upset child. I feel sometimes we need to step back from the situation and try to look at the real root of the problem.

He only behaves this way in situations he feels "safe" (meaning unconditionally loved). He will do it at home and at daycare, and sometimes at his grandmother's. I suspect next month when he moves up to his new class at daycare, he will not do it for several months, until he again feels safe. To anyone else, he is a perfectly behaved child. We get compliments on it all the time. When the whole discussion on this topic came up, my family members were amazed to know that he behaved this way. I AM trying to find the root of the problem, unfortunately have been having no luck thus far. And honestly, it just could be his personality. Some people really are that stubborn, I know, I am one of them. And some people just have more trouble controlling their anger than others. Sometimes there is not a "root" cause. And it is normal for children to behave differently in situations where they feel "safe" than when they don't.

 

[Aidensmom]

Can you catch him off guard and just hug him? I'm not saying that you don't hug him, but maybe he gears himself up for the fight because it is what he expects.

Just throwing it out there!

Thank you, I am going to try that. The catching him off guard thing may just be enough to stop whatever he is doing.

 

[debm]

I would ask you: if time-outs really work, then why do people have to do it again?

I've spanked (as I've said) and I had a willfully defiant child. But that was then, we did get through it. DS is 11 now and though we have our moments he is a good kid. He's sensitive to the needs of others, doesn't bully, has a job, tries to help other kids see negative behaviors and turn them around (swearing, lying to their parents, starting fires, etc), and he comes to me for advice about almost everything... even girls! And even though we spanked occasionally, he would usually own up to something if he did it, whether at home or school. He wasn't "scared" of us or "fearful" of punishment, like an abused child might be. Believe it or not, us "spankers" have awesome children too!

Sunni--that's exactly what I am saying---we all have awesome kids. Let's not judge for spanking or not. I am just saying that I could not hit my children because it didn't "feel" right to me. Actually I've never used time-outs either. They have natural consequences for their choices.

Now, let's help the OP with some other suggestions to see if something different would work for her and stop trying to defend our own parenting styles while putting down other peoples.

 

[daddydisneyworld]

three times a day, whether they need it or not.

 

[debm]

He only behaves this way in situations he feels "safe" (meaning unconditionally loved). He will do it at home and at daycare, and sometimes at his grandmother's. I suspect next month when he moves up to his new class at daycare, he will not do it for several months, until he again feels safe. To anyone else, he is a perfectly behaved child. We get compliments on it all the time. When the whole discussion on this topic came up, my family members were amazed to know that he behaved this way. I AM trying to find the root of the problem, unfortunately have been having no luck thus far. And honestly, it just could be his personality. Some people really are that stubborn, I know, I am one of them. And some people just have more trouble controlling their anger than others. Sometimes there is not a "root" cause. And it is normal for children to behave differently in situations where they feel "safe" than when they don't.

It sounds like you really have stepped back and looked at the situation. That's great! And the fact that you are willing to share this here is wonderful. See what it has created!! I think the hugging idea is a great one. It may catch him off guard enough to have him forget being angry. And you're right about the "feeling safe" issue. It always makes me mad when my mother is with my children and then when I am in the picture and one of them whines she remarks how they didn't do that the entire time I was gone. So....????..... Not sure why she has to say that. I'm just glad they are on their very best behavior for grandma! We all get upset, mad, sad, etc. and so do kids. As adults we just have more experience handling it. hey! If it is not the biting issue it might be something else. I'm sure it will pass before you know it. Goodnight all!!

 

[sunni]

Catching a kid off guard is a good tool. It may not always work, but it's worth a try before going head to head with a stubborn child. I always tried to be silly... I didn't care how stupid it sounded. If it got a laugh, I usually won.

Breakfast: they don't like the cereal choices and DS is winding up for a showdown. My response? Something like, "I guess I should have bought that magic wand that gives you just the cereal you want when I had the chance. It's too bad all the other moms have one and I don't." or "well I suppose having your favorite cereal is far more important than anything else this morning. I guess it doesn't matter that I'm half-naked, I'll run out quick and pick up something at the store. You don't think they'll mind if I shop like this, do you?"

Once in the check-out line at a grocery store, DS spotted something he wanted (dvd or a hat?) but not something he needed. I tried the, "Not today, maybe another day if we have the money and you still feel you need it" line (he's impulsive... big surprise, huh?). That got me nowhere, of course, and he was ready for a fight. I decided the hell with it, nothing is worse than watching him meltdown in public (and we had made it to the checkout!), so I went for it... "Well, just how do you think I'm going to pay for it when I only have enough for the groceries? Can I pull the extra money out my a**?" The kids were laughing (all the way home), the item was no longer an issue, and I just prayed that no one except the lady behind us heard (she had a smile). Oh, the embarassing things a mom must do...

 

[disneymom3]

It always makes me mad when my mother is with my children and then when I am in the picture and one of them whines she remarks how they didn't do that the entire time I was gone. So....????..... Not sure why she has to say that. I'm just glad they are on their very best behavior for grandma! !

You know my MIL made that comment to me one time. I pointed out to her that in order for the children to whine/tantrum/argue/whatever, you have to tell them "No" first and since she never does, they never fuss! She was mainly teasing me though and I wasn't upset. Neither was she. She loves being a grandma and it is her goal in life to spoil her grandchildren.

 

[sunni]

I have a very serious question for those that are in the "spanking = abuse" camp: If your children choose to spank their own children someday, will you turn them in for child abuse? You have already stated it IS abuse... so will you stand by and watch your grandchild be abused? (Using the "my child won't spank" doesn't answer the question, you can't know what your child will or won't do as an adult). I'm sure you will try to reason with them first, but they will do what they want as adults... honestly, what would you do if they didn't see it your way?

 

[Goobergal99]

I would ask you: if time-outs really work, then why do people have to do it again?

well then if spanking really works, then why have almost all of the spankers here had to do it more then once???

 

[sunni]

I would ask you: if time-outs really work, then why do people have to do it again?

well then if spanking really works, then why have almost all of the spankers here had to do it more then once???

that question was asked. that's why I asked basically the same thing in reverse... to make a point.

 

[Goobergal99]

I have a very serious question for those that are in the "spanking = abuse" camp: If your children choose to spank their own children someday, will you turn them in for child abuse? You have already stated it IS abuse... so will you stand by and watch your grandchild be abused? (Using the "my child won't spank" doesn't answer the question, you can't know what your child will or won't do as an adult). I'm sure you will try to reason with them first, but they will do what they want as adults... honestly, what would you do if they didn't see it your way?

Hopefully my child will have adapted her parents, parenting styles, just as we have adapted ours.

 

[sunni]

Hopefully my child will have adapted her parents, parenting styles, just as we have adapted ours.

and if they don't? are you going to report them for child abuse?

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

I would ask you: if time-outs really work, then why do people have to do it again?

well then if spanking really works, then why have almost all of the spankers here had to do it more then once???

Either way, spanking or time outs, these kinds of arguments suggest that if you do it once like when the child is 3 years old that the child will NEVER misbehave again for as long as they live? How unreasonable is that!