Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes


How many of us can honestly say that they practiced abstinence as a teenager?

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I can HONESTLY say it in front of God's face knowing full well it's the truth. I didn't care what my friends did, I had a mind of my own. Regardless of being called a nerd and geek, I didn't care. I kept my legs closed because honestly to me sex was so overrated back then.

As far as being unrealistic, I don't think dh nor I are being unrealistic because we expect Jayda to abstain from sex. I didn't do it and I expect her to keep her legs closed also. She has the funky teenage ways and she act like the world is coming to an end when I don't let her have her way, but she get over it really fast when she see I reached my pisstivity level.
Regardless of her being a teen, she knows we expect her to carry herself like a lady at all times. She knows that if she doesn't respect herself noone else will. I also let her know that the only adults in this house are us(her parents) and she as a teenager will NOT live under our roof living like and doing what grown women do.

Some of her friends think we are so strict because we don't allow her to be a hang out girl going here and there. We let her have her freedom but it's limited freedom. It's limited freedom because she's only 15 not an adult.

Once I had to set her pediatrician straight because she thought she should be able to talk to Jay alone after her physical without me in the room. I let her know if you have something to say you say it infront of me and Jayda,because she's a child not an adult.

Didn't mean to get off topic, but this is really a sore spot with me. I hate to see any teenager regardless of race walking around pregnant or with young children especially when they're nothing but babies themselves.

edited: this was a new pediatrician performing a physical for the new school year. She was not 15 but 13 at the time.

 

[preshi]

I dont think it's unreasonable for parents to expect it only if you can be open and honest about the whole thing.

I was never ever talked to about sex when I was a teenager by my parents and my Dad wasn't around so I didn't have much encouragment, if you will, to be abstinent. I have no doubt in my mind that if my Dad had been around or I had felt at all confortable talking to my Mom about the subject I NEVER would have been able to get away with half the stuff I did and that includes being sexually active.

I don't regret not waiting but I know things would have been different if my parents had been as talkitive about sex as they had been about drinking, smoking and drugs.

 

[Keli]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for me to expect my dd to abstain from sex. She may or may not do that but she knows where her father and I stand on the issue, just as she knows how we stand on all moral issues. That's what being a parent is all about, passing on your moral code to your children and hoping they embrace it for themselves.

 

[septbride2002]

Once I had to set her pediatrician straight because she thought she should be able to talk to Jay alone after her physical without me in the room. I let her know if you have something to say you say it infront of me and Jayda,because she's a child not an adult.

I'm sorry to laugh but when exactly will you let your daughter be treated more as an adult? I'll agree 15 is not an adult but she is surely old enough to have a conversation with a Dr. without her mother in the room. I mean at 15 she should be able to make some decisions on her own - and I worry about anyone who at 15 is still completely dependent on their parents for everything. Just my opinion.

~Amanda

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

Once I had to set her pediatrician straight because she thought she should be able to talk to Jay alone after her physical without me in the room. I let her know if you have something to say you say it infront of me and Jayda,because she's a child not an adult.

Didn't mean to get off topic, but this is really a sore spot with me. I hate to see any teenager regardless of race walking around pregnant or with young children especially when they're nothing but babies themselves.

I'm not saying that this will happen to your DD, but it is this kind of interference that contributes to teen pregnancy and STDs, etc. I know it is difficult for you to imagine your DD being sexually active, but IF she is, you took away one of her safest opportunities to learn about protection by not giving her some privacy with her doctor.

And that isn't even talking about other things that your DD may have felt the need to discuss with a doctor, but would have been too embarrassed to ask in front of you.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Are you kidding? I was terrified of it and didn't do it until my early 20s. Now, last year when DS was 10 yo, we read a book written for the 6-8 yo crowd. DS was grossed out enough. He still says that he's never getting married because he's never going to do that. LOL! I told him that he'll change his mind. He said no he won't. LOLOL!

 

[septbride2002]

Thank you Rutt And Tutt - you said exactly what I was thinking - but alot better!

~Amanda

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

Get that on videotape and play it for his fiancee when the time comes. LOL Or maybe at his bachelor party.

 

[UncleKyle]

This is one of those topics with me that I could discuss forever. I don't think it's unrealistic for parents to expect your children to abstain from sex but truly believing they are abstaining is a pipe dream. You only have to turn on the TV or listen to today's music to understand. Open communication, discussing responsibility, and teaching safe sex are good rules of thumb. I know that not all parents believe that BUT they always seem to be the ones who are grandparents before their kid graduates high school.

Some parents are really strict with their children and preach self respect, religion, and morals. All of those are great and something I will teach my children but to ignore educating your child about sex is to live in a fantasy world. It's easy to find the sheltered kids freshman year in college. They were the ones who weren't allowed out past 12 till they moved in the dorms and they had to come home right after prom. Now they're in the dorm staying up all hours, skipping class, drinking like crazy, and most off all sleeping around. It's more popular to have sex in college then to do anything else. Expecting abstinence isn't unrealistic but to not educate and ignore reality is to ignore teaching your child about life.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
Get that on videotape and play it for his fiancee when the time comes. LOL Or maybe at his bachelor party.

ROFLMAO!! Great idea!!

 

[UncleKyle]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
I'm not saying that this will happen to your DD, but it is this kind of interference that contributes to teen pregnancy and STDs, etc. I know it is difficult for you to imagine your DD being sexually active, but IF she is, you took away one of her safest opportunities to learn about protection by not giving her some privacy with her doctor.

And that isn't even talking about other things that your DD may have felt the need to discuss with a doctor, but would have been too embarrassed to ask in front of you.

WOW Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself. My daughter and son will both have education and options when it comes to sex. Better than dropping my grandchild off at daycare then my daughter at high school.

 

[septbride2002]

It's easy to find the sheltered kids freshman year in college. They were the ones who weren't allowed out past 12 till they moved in the dorms and they had to come home right after prom. Now they're in the dorm staying up all hours, skipping class, drinking like crazy, and most off all sleeping around. It's more popular to have sex in college then to do anything else. Expecting abstinence isn't unrealistic but to not educate and ignore reality is to ignore teaching your child about life.

 

[nsyncraider17]

I don't think that it's unrealistic, and honestly, as a teen who has committed to abstain from sex until marriage, I'm slightly offended when people think it is unrealistic. My health teacher freshman year was required to tell us that "abstinence is the only safe sex," and he did, but then he said, "but, I know that the chances of any of you actually practicing abstinence are slim to none" or something like that. I don't like being lumped together with all other teens and told that I'm not going to practice abstinence, when I made the decision to do so on my own.

I think that if a teen has been brought up in a home that has taught them to practice abstinence, then it is completely realistic to expect them to do so. However, I still think it's important to teach them about sex, because not every teen will live up to what is expected of him or her. It's not unreasonable to expect them to practice abstinence, but I think it's pretty ignorant to simply assume that they will.

 

[WDWHound]

I have noticed a trend on this thread that worries me. There seems to be an asuumption that expecting kids to abstain from sex means not educating them about it. Why? My parents expected me to abstain (and I did), but they also made sure I was well informed on everything from birth control to STDs. That way I could understand why they expected me to abstain and that the reasons were not just religious.

 

[LScot]

Kyle, It isn't your fault. You are just a hottie!

 

[Rutt and Tuke]

Originally posted by WDWHound
I have noticed a trend on this thread that worries me. There seems to be an asuumption that expecting kids to abstain from sex means not educating them about it. Why? My parents expected me to abstain (and I did), but they also made sure I was well informed on everything from birth control to STDs. That way I could understand why they expected me to abstain and that the reasons were not just religious.

I think it is safer to assume that they aren't being educated than to assume that they are. I applaud your parents, but there are parents who limit their educating to "you will not have sex until you are married" and that is it.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by septbride2002
I'm sorry to laugh but when exactly will you let your daughter be treated more as an adult? I'll agree 15 is not an adult but she is surely old enough to have a conversation with a Dr. without her mother in the room. I mean at 15 she should be able to make some decisions on her own - and I worry about anyone who at 15 is still completely dependent on their parents for everything. Just my opinion.

~Amanda

Your entitled to your opinion just as I'm entitled to mine. At 15 she can make as many decisions as she like, but dh and I still have the last say so.
Furthurmore,I would rather have her be a respectable young lady anytime than be like some of these young girls walking around knocked up and having oral sex as if it's going out of style because their parents think of them as adults just because the word teen is behind the number!

edit: We know sex is out there on tv, in music and everywhere else. That is why dh and I talked to our son and daughter about sex from day one. Books videotapes and talks are great to have and yes maybe it's not like this with all daughters and mothers, but she and I have a good relationship where she can talk to me about any and everything.
We're not raising flowers in the attic nor are we trying to shield them from everything because it's impossible.

 

[RachelEllen]

Originally posted by Rutt and Tuke
I'm not saying that this will happen to your DD, but it is this kind of interference that contributes to teen pregnancy and STDs, etc. I know it is difficult for you to imagine your DD being sexually active, but IF she is, you took away one of her safest opportunities to learn about protection by not giving her some privacy with her doctor.

And that isn't even talking about other things that your DD may have felt the need to discuss with a doctor, but would have been too embarrassed to ask in front of you.

I have to say, as a pediatrician, that really concerns me too. For us, a parent that refuses to leave the room is a huge red flag. Kids are embarressed about all sorts of things besides sex. Often teenagers want to talk about some strange lump, rash, question some rumor a friend told them, talk about their period, etc. Parents aren't going to find out anything, and it's just going to cause the kid to get less than optimal care.

I actually discussed this with one of the senior pediatricians in the practice after this came up on the boards last time. In his 20+ years of practice, all but two parents agreed to leave the room once he discussed with them his reasons for the practice. Those two were asked to find other doctors.

 

[flaps]

Is it unrealistic for parents to expect teenagers to practice abstinence?

No.

And, IMHO, it's a loving expectation.

 

[Pongo69]

Originally posted by RachelEllen
I have to say, as a pediatrician, that really concerns me too. For us, a parent that refuses to leave the room is a huge red flag. Kids are embarressed about all sorts of things besides sex. Often teenagers want to talk about some strange lump, rash, question some rumor a friend told them, talk about their period, etc. Parents aren't going to find out anything, and it's just going to cause the kid to get less than optimal care.

I actually discussed this with one of the senior pediatricians in the practice after this came up on the boards last time. In his 20+ years of practice, all but two parents agreed to leave the room once he discussed with them his reasons for the practice. Those two were asked to find other doctors.

For every red flag raised by a pediatrician, there are those who understand and require the parents to be in the room.