Is it REALLY too much to ask?

[Mickey4me!]

We were excited to share our love of WDW with our family so in Dec 2000 we invited my sister, her DH and their two girls (7&9) along with my brother, his wife and their two (6& 8) and my mom to join me, DH, my DD and her friend (both 16) for 5 days at OKW - 13 total. I realized early on that with that many people, there were a few "rules" that needed to be established -

• Since we're a very politically diverse (and vocal) family any discussion of politics was strictly off limits (very hard when you consider the controversy that was happening in Dec '00 in FL)
• In order to avoid getting on each others last nerve, I made sure we had plenty of "space". I reserved a 2B villa for DH, DD and myself, a 1B each for DS and DB and a studio for mom. Each family had their own neutral corner in which to retreat.
• I had no expectation that we would do everything together and only made one ADR for all of us. It was the Villain Dinner that they used to have at GF and everyone agreed prior that they wanted to attend. Mom did buy tickets one night for everyone to attend MVMCP and everyone showed up and enjoyed it.
• Each night we would all meet at the pool or in our villa and discuss what everyone had done that day. It was really fun listening to everyone's adventures. We would also inform each other of what we had planned for the next day and if someone was interested in tagging along, they did.
• Most importantly I tried to remember that it was their vacation as well as mine so they were entitled to have fun however they wanted. I did send out several "newsletters" in the months prior to the trip that was full of useful info so they could plan (or not) what they wanted to do.

My best advice is to not plan to spend every waking moment together and that way you won't be disappointed when someone strays from the plan. If someone dares to complain about the accomodations you've provided then just look at it as a lesson learned and move on. I know it's hard when you realize that others who are close to you don't share the same appreciation for WDW or for the planning and effort you've put in to the trip, but don't let it ruin your trip. Our family along with DB's and DS's spend a week together every summer on the NC outer banks and always have a great time. We rent a large house with lots of space and don't structure our days around each other. Everyone leaves feeling like it was their vacation and looking forward to the next one.

Good luck and whatever happens, don't let it ruin your trip!

 

[poohmomof5]

Hey Slakk I can sort of relate- I was the prime planner for our GG last year (22 people) We had many little princesses ages 3,4,4,5,&6 and I was so thrilled that I scored CRT for the gang. Nobody seemed as excited as I was- and a few didn't want to go. At 1st I felt unappreciated, then I realized that as a certified Disney freak, my values are just different and I accepted that and stepped back from the planning a bit. I made sure everyone knew how to plan for themselves. We didn't get to do any meals as a whole group since people were unwilling to sync their plans. I thought that was unfortunate but overall it was a great trip.

It sounds like you had the right attitude! I glad it worked out!

Poohmom

 

[Boston5602]

To help others in the party no when and where ADR's are instead of asking me all vacation I print them out and post them in each room using clips with magnets.



For my May trip , when I booked the room I told friends they had until a certain date ( using my U/Y banking deadlines ) to purchase their airline tickets. If they hadn't bought them I would have adjusted room/s based on the tickets.

I figure they are less inclined to cancel last minute with some of their own money on the line !

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

To help others in the party no when and where ADR's are instead of asking me all vacation I print them out and post them in each room using clips with magnets.

I did that too -- and made credit card size laminated papers for everyone to have handy access to everyone else's cell phone number. They thought that was "so nice of Disney to do that for us." (the list of ADR's with times, locations, confirmation #'s and such)

 

[Dean]

BTW, love the rules! If I ever were to plan another trip for a large group (which I'm not ) I would surely be implementing all of them! Way to go!!

Feel free to use or adapt them as you see fit, LOL. We all have family and friends like this but generally we know who AND HOW they are prior to this type of trip. And MOST people are simply not like this. Overall we've been VERY lucky and have great family. The rules certainly helped avoid some of the issues that might have happened like my mom and brother complaining if I had a beer which I only do when someone else is paying or for vacation like at the beach. And for a given week I'll usually buy a 6 pk and then have 1 or 2 left over and listen to my wife B and moan for the next year that they're sitting in the fridge. But with a STRONG family hx of alcoholism (8 of 10 of my dad's family), I'm very careful in this area.

The truth is that we have been very lucky. My Sister and her family (3 total) are the ones we invite every time and we've generally invited my Brother and his family but they just can't get it together but when they have gone, it's always been something but not quite enough to get them automatically banned, at least not until this last family trip. After that we usually rotate around with my wife's family one time and mine the other. Only three times have we been able to invite essentially all the immediate family from both sides and it only worked out twice but the other was this past Xmas when I had reserved half of the DVC units it seems at 3 different resorts and then almost no one could go due to the late school calendar this past year. My wife's brother wasn't going to go on our 1999 summer Disney trip where we invited everyone for the last chance at free passes but once I assured him he could come and go and do as he wanted, I got the impression he was concerned there'd be too many restrictions, he decided to go. And given he's gone on several trips with us since, I guess I must have upheld my end of the commitment.

My brother and his wife really are the only issue. They simply can't plan and can't make and keep commitments. For the second to last HH trip he ended up backing out at the last minute, I think it's because we didn't have enough additional room for 3 foster kids on top of all else even though he knew that for months and told me they had easy arrangements that would make this not a problem. For the 2006 trips he had an 8 hour drive to get to HH but had to be in town for work obligations until 8 am that day. They "planned" to be packed at pull out at 8 but they actually started packing at 8 am and left at 10:30 even though they told my sister when she called them about 9 am that they were just leaving. Then they stopped and shopped about 3.5 hours along the way for things that could easily have waited weeks, months or even years. So they arrived at 1:30 am but given they had no idea where to go or how to get there, of course I had to stay up and walk out to the road to get them in. Then we went to that one group meal and after there and seated they decided it was too expensive and would just let the kids eat (Old Oyster Factory for those that know HH) even though I got them free salads with coupons PLUS the DVC 10% discount. And had already gone out that day and bought a new video camera, had been looking at the menu for 2 days in the menu book from HH and had planned a meal for all their family at Kobe steak house (as or more expensive) for the next night after this incident.

Everyone else has always been appropriate and appreciative. If they say thanks and follow the rules, I'm more than satisfied. Heck, as long as they are friendly and follow the rules, I'm happy. My sister had the best line when they toured one of the Marriott's at HH. When the sales person asked if they were going to buy she said "no, why should I buy when I can mooch off him" pointing to me. The salesperson really had nothing to say to that and it's now a family joke usually repeated when we're on a group vacation. I'm very glad to be able to give back to the family.

 

[ILuvDVC2]

After reading this thread, I realized that just about everyone who tries to plan a big trip for a lot of people is signing up for a challenge. So, I want to add a couple tips that worked for us.

We stayed at OKW with party of 18 back in 2004. We made only one ADR (at the start of the trip) for everyone at 'Ohana, then people were on their own to make dining plans, park plans, etc. We found it was more fun to run into members of the party at unplanned times and link up for a while, then depart company without guilt of going our separate ways. People wound up planning the things they wanted to do when they wanted to do them. Doing it this way did mean some of our novice WDW travelers had to figure out how to make ADRs, etc. on their own, but all left the vacation satisfied that they'd had a great time.

I will say that we probably won't plan for a group this size again, but if we do, we'll do what we did before, and use some of the additional tips provided by all of you!

 

[Teyedoubleguhrrrr]

I feel everyone's pain, and Dean - LOVE the rules!

My own "pain" actually runs the OTHER way - a MIL who tends to take over and micromanage EVERYTHING! We've gone on some lovely vacations with them, but I have learned to avoid her like the plague when the clock starts to "tick down" as she will drive me nuts! This summer, she did kind of overstep by arranging to get adjoining rooms for our one night hotel stay at the end of the trip (as we were leaving to go home) without asking us if we wanted it. We managed, but since we had already spent a week with them (this was at a ranch which was kind of isolated, so we were together 24/7), I was kind of looking forward to separating for a bit. Oh well.

If she would limit it to our vacations, I guess I wouldn't care, either. She however, takes it into our private life as well - way overstepping at times. The other day she even left me a VM on my cell phone to complain about the ringback tone on my phone. She said it was inappropriate (what if grad schools are calling? - they aren't - I don't give them that number! and do you know what that means?). I mean - Queen's Another One Bites the Dust isn't exactly up there on the offense meter compared to what I hear at times, but hey whatever. DH had a cow when he heard what she said.

Maybe this is why we haven't told them about our DVC purchase yet. She'll either complain about our choices or start planning our next big family vacation. Right now we are enjoying our DVC with very few people in our family knowing about it.

To the OP - I know that it is a thankless job you are doing. Don't let them get you down, and think of it as planning YOUR vacation - not theirs. Then if they complain - its their own fault - not yours!

 

[dis-happy]

You know what they say...."No good deed goes unpunished."
Hugs!!!

 

[Muushka]

I have 2 sets of people I would invite back. We got a 2 BR for each time for 4 of us. No one backed out and they understood meeting times and booked DVC vacations. They will be invited back.

My poor brother in law and his wife. They are not even on double-secret-probation, they are banned and they never even made it to WDW with us! We had planned on meeting them while we were at VWL one Dec. We had a 1 BR and figured if they did show up they could use the LR. NEVER showed up, never even called. She wants to make plans for a WDW visit next year. Have a good time planning! I would not waste my time or effort or POINTS to plan a vacation with someone who cannot even be bothered to say they are not coming!

OP, believe me, we feel your pain.

 

[JimMIA]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, but it's kind of ironic. I was just thinking about whether to make our May '08 trip another Grandma and Great Aunt extravaganza (our first one was perfect -- best trip we've ever taken), and I actually thought yesterday that it had been a long time since I'd seen an "In-Law Angst" thread. Sorry it had to be you.

Also, I want to say that I love Dean's Rules! We all should have some version of those.

My mother proceeds to tell my DN about my surprise (not anymore) appointment at Bippity Boppity Boutique for her and now has promised her a dress (blowing my makeup hair and nails away) and also told her I was taking her to Cinderellas Tea at Grand Floridian - uh not at those prices for the 4 girls it would cost me about 300 dollars, I had planned to do the Afternoon Tea for me and the DN but as usual my DM has to one up me. grrrrrr

I put this comment of yours out of order, because we also have this problem. However, we realize that it's Grandma's right (and duty, in their eyes) to spoil secrets and one-up the parents. There is no fixing that problem. We have simply stopped telling Grandma anything. But we feel your pain.

I am doing a ton of work and getting ZERO back. My SIL was complaining about how they have no idea of the costs or how to budget (it is true the phone lines only come from my house to theirs LOL) so I put together a document on AKV, the room layout, DDP costs (we are doing it for simplicity sake), the restaurants and their menus basically a WDW Primer plus. I sent it to them vie e-mail...not even an acknowledgement.

Had those custom WDW maps made and sent to the kids - no response.

This comment would really set alarm bells ringing for me. I think what has happened is that SIL has realized that even with free lodging Disney is a very expensive place. You tell most people $38.99 per day to eat, and they'll reply, "You're kidding...right?" Add to that the flight costs, ticket costs, trinket costs, etc and you've still got a more expensive vacation than most people take. It is often not a question of what people can afford, but a question of what they are willing to spend. Not everyone shares our love of Disney, and not everyone is willing to pay the price...even with free lodging.

My guess is SIL has already backed out in her mind. After all, she hasn't said yes and she never responded to any of your inquiries and plans. Why would you still think she was going???

I'd be very careful with that particular piece of the puzzle.

 

[abeyst]

Let me apologize now for being so long-winded! Man, it's been a weekend of not much adult interation!!

OP- I'm so sorry you're having such problems with your family! I think a lot of the posters are right-your family of rookies doesn't know how much you're doing, or that this much planning really IS necessary! I do appreciate all you do, and all of us DISers understand. But dont be afraid to tell them all you're doing, and all that they need to do in order to have a good time! Remember, they dont know all that you know about Disney.

I do agree with what Dean said, too. It's very true. I didn't invite the family members who will give me grief, just the ones I knew could get along together for 6 days and would have fun.

I am planning a December trip for 8 (Me, DS, DD, DSis, Mom, StDad, StG'ma and G'ma). My mom has been twice (wayyy back on my first 2 trips-those 2 icky 'offsite' trips I have listed in my sig ), and of course my 2 kids, but for everyone else this will be their first trip. They have been great by telling me 'Just plan everything and tell us what we need to do or where we need to be'. The only 1 giving some grief is StDad, he's not into the Disney thing, but my mom has been setting him straight and told him he can't gripe or complain at all, and he's to wear his happy face the entire time. They know I'm a planner, and the rest of the family that's going are pretty laid-back so I know they'll let me plan everything and run with it, and I won't get much grief from them. I did set some ground rules, I'll give you those in a paragraph or 2!

Back in February when we all finally decided to go to Disney, I gave them an approximate airfare amount of $200. They had to pay me and I would book everyone's airfare. This locked them into going. Then if there was money left over once I booked the airfare, I gave it back to them.

Since then, I've been overplanning for months. I admit it, I'm a planning junkie. I gave them binders with dividers and started giving them info to file in it. At first I was getting 'It's 7 months away, why are you giving us this?', so I laid off for awhile, realizing they're not as INTO it as me. So I planned everything, and didn't tell anyone a word about it. I printed everything and hung onto it. I knew as we got closer they would start having questions.

They did, and it was right about the 3-4 month mark. I knew it was time to sit down and have a family meeting to discuss everything I planned, give them the paperwork, answer questions, and make necessary changes. I also left some items open for input, so they felt a little involved (they were small items, though! Like transportation to/from the airport!) At this meeting I gave them a 'tentative' itinerary, ADRs, menus for ADRs, hotel info and pictures, room assignments and flight info. We worked out some logistics and I walked through 'roughly' how things would go to the airport from home, what would happen when we arrived in Orlando, arriving at the hotel, and the plans for the first night.

• I gave them enough info to slightly overwhelm them, but not enough to scare them. They needed a taste of just how much work goes into planning. I also let them know that I'm putting a lot of time into planning the perfect trip for them, because it means a lot to me to have them go with us and to have their first trip to WDW be as great as I can possibly make it. I also explained that they may not understand all the planning, but they will realize when we get there that the planning is necessary when you're spending this much money on a trip. You want to get all you can out of it!
• The itinerary I gave them is a plan of how we normally vacation at WDW, and what me and my kids will be following for the upcoming trip. They can follow it with us if they like, or they're more than welcome to go their own way. And they don't have to feel bad or guilty about doing their own thing or going off the itinerary. It's a base line to follow if they want to, but they don't have to.
• ADRs were made for the group to eat together, and they need to be there 15 minutes beforehand. If they don't want to eat with us for whatever reason, let me know at least 2 hours before. They will be responsible for making alternate ADRs for themselves, though.
• There will be a schedule of departure times each morning for the parks and other events, and if they want to go with us they need to be there on time. We won't be waiting for anyone. (My mom is notorious for being late to everything!)

We still have some things to discuss about the children (DS8, DD5 and DSis9), about handling outbursts and fighting and crakiness. And the kids also will have some 'ground rules' for handling such incidents at the parks to keep all the adults sane. So I think we're going to have a 'Kids Meeting' about 2 weeks before we go.

It's hard sometimes being so into the trip and planning, but I look at it as my gift to them. I want them to have the best time they possibly can, and I know they can't do that without me. But I'm also not shy about telling them how much I'm working on it, or how much it means to me that they have a great time. I can't tell you for sure I'll ever vacation with them again, as I kind of like being able to go where I want when I want and this trip I'll be doing everything they want to do and being their tour guide since they've never been before (they're actually calling me Vickie from the Love Boat!!). It's some of the disadvantages I have to live with, but they're not such a big deal compared with all I can share with them this trip!

OP-keep your head up, and set your family straight. Put some guidelines in place and stand your ground. If they don't step up, tell them they're fired from going on vacation with you!

There is a good post I found about traveling with a group, and it gave me some good ideas. Here it is: http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1404584

 

[Slakk]

Thank you everyone - your stories make me feel better - it is just not ME!

DSIL and DB are narcissist and expect my parents to pay for everything and I think there is a strugle between her and DM. DM gets the kids all excited then they cannot back out! DSIL already tried to find out what my parents pay on our trip (which saddened her to find out they don'e even pay for part of the room)

This is exactly why I did not get a GV - now I can dump the studio for when/if they back out and be done with it.

I guess the saddest thing is I am not surprised. I am not too close to my DB and his family - they never put any effort into anything that is not about them so it is not just me but in some ways this is great - for one year's points I can get it over and be done with them all.

I have decided that they can do what they want, how they want and when they want but I will make decisions and they can suck it up and smile.

 

[kato0627]

I have never planned a GG, and sorry to say don't think I will. DH is not into "sharing" vacation time with many people. I just have to tell ALL of you, that I think you are all very generous, kind people who really have gone out of your way for family/friends. I know how much goes into planning. You are all very sweet. Have a great time.

 

[kdzgon]

Nice to know we're not alone....

...
I have reserved a disney photographer to come to OKW the first day for a family photo...

How does one go about doing this?

BTW, you have my sympathies, Slakk! I am the planner for our GG (~30 people), so I have an idea of what you are going through. You are kinder than me, tho - I started out thinking I'd reserve rooms on points, but I chickened out - ended up making separate room res through CRO instead. (We move to BW for a few days of rest once everyone else goes home )

 

[jekjones1558]

For our gathering in Nov. I booked a GV, a 1 bedroom and a 2 bedroom at OKW so that I would have maximum flexibility for rearranging people and canceling a room if anyone had to cancel. It happens--especially when you book far out. I did not do any ADRs, just Cirque tickets for those who wanted them. For our family it seems to work best if we all do our own thing, plan each day as it comes and just see each other in the rooms. Last time we did one dinner at Boma and one dinner in the rooms together, and that worked well. This time any dinner together in a restaurant will be off-site.
OP, you are a saint to go the extra mile. I hope that someone sees the light and does something really nice for you (like a Disney gift card maybe?) And I hope that some magical memories happen as well.

 

[jenelope]

My brother and his wife really are the only issue. They simply can't plan and can't make and keep commitments. For the second to last HH trip he ended up backing out at the last minute, I think it's because we didn't have enough additional room for 3 foster kids on top of all else even though he knew that for months and told me they had easy arrangements that would make this not a problem. For the 2006 trips he had an 8 hour drive to get to HH but had to be in town for work obligations until 8 am that day. They "planned" to be packed at pull out at 8 but they actually started packing at 8 am and left at 10:30 even though they told my sister when she called them about 9 am that they were just leaving. Then they stopped and shopped about 3.5 hours along the way for things that could easily have waited weeks, months or even years. So they arrived at 1:30 am but given they had no idea where to go or how to get there, of course I had to stay up and walk out to the road to get them in. Then we went to that one group meal and after there and seated they decided it was too expensive and would just let the kids eat (Old Oyster Factory for those that know HH) even though I got them free salads with coupons PLUS the DVC 10% discount. And had already gone out that day and bought a new video camera, had been looking at the menu for 2 days in the menu book from HH and had planned a meal for all their family at Kobe steak house (as or more expensive) for the next night after this incident.

See, now I'm wondering if my brother has a secret life in another part of the country! Because what you've described sounds exactly like something he would do- and has done. The major differences are that my brother doesn't balk at restaurant prices (he's more likely to pick a place that's too expensive for everyone else) and he's more likely to have a secret husband than a secret wife.

The only time I've invited people along for a trip on my points, they were enthusiastic, appreciative, helped me plan, and we worked out the financial details well in advance and kept careful records. They also weren't my immediate family, who have very different ideas of vacation than I do. I'd love to plan a trip with my siblings and their partners, but every time I think about it, all I imagine is me getting more and more upset because we're too different. I like to plan and tour the parks. My sister likes to keep busy doing "useful things" and prefers to be very active, otherwise she doesn't relax. My brother hates planning, likes to play everything by ear, and is known to disappear for long periods of time because he wants to do his own thing. Blessedly, I still have my parents. My mother is just like me, but with some mobility issues. My dad is willing to go where we steer him without complaint, and is just happy because I treat him to a round of golf when we go (and next time I can golf with him!). If we ever do manage a big family get together at WDW, I'm going to view it as four different groups who just happen to be vacationing in the same place. We might meet up, and we might not. But I'm not going to be responsible for someone else's good time.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Op, You are doing the Lord's work! Or at least Walt's....

Anyway, I've done the Disney thing with extended family several times, so I wanted to just give you a few things that worked for our group. One caveat, though, all adults involved were Disney likers, if not lovers--not everyone here has that.

We had my family (me, DH, now 4 kids ages 18mo-12 years), DBIL and his family of 5, and MIL.

So, we would decide on a hotel (this was before I had DVC), and everyone had a chance to look through the books and think about dining. Dining choices were given to me (for my family and MIL) or DBIL. Then, DBIL would take our respective lists and lock ourselves in a room. We would hash out which park on which day and plan our dining based on the input we received. Nobody was allowed to comment to us during this process. When he and I emerged, we had the final list. We did our best to accomodate a variety of desires--no one person or family got everything they wanted, everyone got something. Crabbing to your parent was okay but got you nowhere.

We always did the premium (3 meals/day) plan, but found that was too much "togetherness"--you spent all your time waiting for someone for your ADR. So, we typically did the same park each day, and had breakfast and dinner together but not lunch. Naturally, we would see each other in the park, but it wasn't a huge group stopping every time the 2yo had to pee.

I like the "each family cooks one night" plan as well--sounds reasonable and fun!

Since we're now DVC-ers, DH has generously offered to let me bring my sister and her DH with us in our 2BR. While I appreciate his thinking, I'm not sure it would work, personality-wise. I love my DSis dearly, but she's very disorganized and not used to the rhythm of a family with 4 kids.

 

[n2mm]

Wow, I feel your pain. We just returned from an extended family trip and I say, never again! And these are my adult kids. There is no way I would ask anyone else. While some of my kids' and grandkids are still welcome, a few will have to wait a long time before returned with us. I agree, for every issue that seems bad now before your trip, it will get worse during your trip. Good luck. You are not alone as an unsung hero of providing Disney vacations to ungrateful relatives!

 

[twinand01]

Slakk:

What you need to do is print out your original post.

Give it to your SIL and say, "Look what I found in Ann Landers' column. Gosh, I'm glad that we don't have a family like that!"

And then wait for the response.

I love this approach!!
It is difficult to say how you really feel to your family. Unfortunately they just expect and expect and suck and suck you dry.(Oh believe me I do speak for experience) But we all learn from our generous attempts because we want our family to feel the same magic that we feel with DVC. We all are still learning and next time you know better. Enjoy and have fun do your own thing that makes you happy and dont worry about anyone else but your immediately family(husband, kids,) You may feel so much different when you return if not dont sweat the small stuff.

 

[DptyDogg]

I had a taste of this last year, and it was only a GG for a party of 9. My DB and his family of 5 and my family of 4. It was all planned out, dinner together every night after a full day of touring together at the parks.

I forgot one little thing, as much as I love WDW it can be a stressful experience at times. That stress compounded with the fact that you are trying to do it with another family can make your trip an awful experience. We quickly learned that doing the parks together was a no go and spent very limited time together after the first couple of days, except for dinner. We had Dinner ADR's every night and though I have a compulsive need to be on time for everything, my SIL doesn't, thankfully they were never more than 5-10 minutes late for dinner. We all had fun, we just had more fun after we decided to do our own thing.

I must be a glutten for punishment as we have a trip scheduled for 15 people in Dec.

I looked at the villas, but decided that we would all enjoy our trips alot more in separate studios than in a really cool villa. So 4 studios it is.

I made all of the ADR's, but unlike last year I made separate reservations for each family; same place, same time, different ADR. That way I can be on time and everyone else can show up on time, late, or never for that matter and it wont impact me.

I want it to be a special time for my whole family, and I want to do things together but when you are dealing with 4 individual family units some separation is necessary in my opinion.

It has been really fun to put this all together, 8 days of meals 4 different sets of ADR's. Lots of work yes, but fun. Thankfully, unlike the OP, my family has really appreciated all of the work I'm putting into it. My brother more so than the rest, but that's because it's his second trip and he understands.

I made some serious adjustments to my mindset this go around. I have a realistic expectation of how things are going to go when we are together. I made the plans to allow each of us maximum flexability. I provided each of them with planning guides and other resources so they know what to expect.

I my hope that my extended family really enjoys their time, but now that the planning is done my primary concern will be that my DW, DS's and I enjoy our trip.