IS IT REALLY SO HARD TO TEACH YOUR KID HOW TO BEHAVE IN A RESTAURANT?

[bethy]

Sorry Christine, while I understand that there are children who are FAR more difficult than others.
And I also see an issue with the "But my perfect child never....." posts here. Just gotta love those.
In your post, I believe I see an underlying tone of helplessness, and 'just let kids be kids'.

I have to very strongly disagree. If I thought my son would want to be up and out of his seat, we made sure we were situated where we had him penned in between us. If I thought that my son would want to use utensils like drumsticks, I would have made darned sure that he did not have metal utensils in his hands. Packs of to-go plastic utensils are a very cheap and easy answer to this one. (PS: BUTT iN THE SEAT was my mantra since my son was an infant!!!!)

IMHO, there is almost always an answer. A proactive and pre-emptive approach. Many parents just do not want to do what they should as parents and take these steps. They simply do not want to find a way to be 'responsible'.

What do you do if they scream at the top of their lungs? Put your hand over their mouth? If they writhe and kick and scream with tremendous force and determination? Sit here and pin them down with both you and your husbands hands? Getting hurt in the process and possibly hurting your child in the process? Do other patrons want to see and hear this?

And then after doing all that what is you had to repeat for over 30 restraunt visits in a row?

 

[Art 1]

What do you do if they scream at the top of their lungs? Put your hand over their mouth? If they writhe and kick and scream with tremendous force and determination? Sit here and pin them down with both you and your husbands hands? Getting hurt in the process and possibly hurting your child in the process? Do other patrons want to see and hear this?

And then after doing all that what is you had to repeat for over 30 restraunt visits in a row?

You leave Junior home with a baby sitter.

 

[bethy]

U

You leave Junior home with a baby sitter.

yes that is my point

 

[EMom]

What do you do if they scream at the top of their lungs? Put your hand over their mouth? If they writhe and kick and scream with tremendous force and determination? Sit here and pin them down with both you and your husbands hands? Getting hurt in the process and possibly hurting your child in the process? Do other patrons want to see and hear this?

And then after doing all that what is you had to repeat for over 30 restraunt visits in a row?

After perhaps a maximum of 2-3 restaurants visits during which I had to take my child out of the place to keep him from disturbing others, I'd have gotten a big old hint and stopped taking him to restaurants for a loooooooong time. Going to a restaurant is a want and not a need. I'd try it again months later after practicing at home. If the child acted up again, we'd leave and enjoy another looooooong break from restaurants. The idea that someone would actually take a child who behaved like this to a restaurant and allow it to happen 30 times in a row is completely incomprehensible to me. Why would you inflict that upon other patrons? If my child behaved like that, they might never see the inside of a restaurant. It wouldn't kill them.

 

[Planogirl]

We didn't go to actual restaurants with DS for quite a while. We started with fast food places and taught him how to behave at those first. The rules were the same but I felt that he would be less disruptive in a casual place and it would be easier to take him out if he wouldn't behave.

I always disliked the noise and congestion caused by poorly behaved kids so I never could justify letting mine do any of that.

Now if we could only remove the poorly behaved adults too...

 

[jdb in AZ]

When DH and I were visiting DD and her young family on the east coast, we took them to a restaurant and 4-yr-old DGS (picky eater, very restless) started acting up so I took him outside for a walk. It helped him work off some energy, gave me some exercise, and allowed DD and DH to finish dinner in peace.

FWIW, DD was a terror in restaurants when she was little, so now that she's grown up and her kids act up, it's karma and/or payback, but there's no reason to just sit there without doing something.

 

[Christine]

After perhaps a maximum of 2-3 restaurants visits during which I had to take my child out of the place to keep him from disturbing others, I'd have gotten a big old hint and stopped taking him to restaurants for a loooooooong time. Going to a restaurant is a want and not a need. I'd try it again months later after practicing at home. If the child acted up again, we'd leave and enjoy another looooooong break from restaurants. The idea that someone would actually take a child who behaved like this to a restaurant and allow it to happen 30 times in a row is completely incomprehensible to me. Why would you inflict that upon other patrons? If my child behaved like that, they might never see the inside of a restaurant. It wouldn't kill them.

I think of us who have had/parented "those" types of kids are saying that's what we do. We go home, we don't take them out. Some of us responded on this thread about it because other parents who never had to experience that sort of behavior felt that we didn't set expectations on that child and should be able to train that behavior out of them with "the look" or the consequences. I don't think some believe that some of the personalities can't be tamed during a certain age...so we stay home.

 

[havaneselover]

My mom took my kids and me to a nice restaurant last week when we were on vacation in Northern Michigan. The little girl at the table next to us was watching a show on an iphone with the volume turned way up. Some parents are so lazy and selfish.

 

[littleblackegg]

U

yes that is my point

And that is a totally appropriate solution. Is it hard to work through some of these social skills with kids? Sure it is. The ones who learn can go into places requiring these skills, the ones who can't get an alternative, non-punitive plan. It's win-win.

 

[EMom]

I think of us who have had/parented "those" types of kids are saying that's what we do. We go home, we don't take them out. Some of us responded on this thread about it because other parents who never had to experience that sort of behavior felt that we didn't set expectations on that child and should be able to train that behavior out of them with "the look" or the consequences. I don't think some believe that some of the personalities can't be tamed during a certain age...so we stay home.

And if that's what you do, I thank you for using common sense and consideration.

A woman I knew had her first child and he was as close to perfect as a child could be. She knocked herself out to be a great mother and thought it had paid off in that child. Several years later, she had Child #2. He was the dead opposite of perfect, just wreaked havoc at all times. She said the first one had lulled her into thinking she had superior mothering skills, when a big part of it was that he was just an easy kid. She also said jokingly that if Child #2 had been the first, he would have been the last. She still knocked herself out to be a great mother, but she had to parent that one differently and his "leash" was a lot shorter.

 

[Christine]

And if that's what you do, I thank you for using common sense and consideration.

A woman I knew had her first child and he was as close to perfect as a child could be. She knocked herself out to be a great mother and thought it had paid off in that child. Several years later, she had Child #2. He was the dead opposite of perfect, just wreaked havoc at all times. She said the first one had lulled her into thinking she had superior mothering skills, when a big part of it was that he was just an easy kid. She also said jokingly that if Child #2 had been the first, he would have been the last. She still knocked herself out to be a great mother, but she had to parent that one differently and his "leash" was a lot shorter.

I've heard that type of story a few times from friends!

 

[Missy1961]

And if that's what you do, I thank you for using common sense and consideration.

A woman I knew had her first child and he was as close to perfect as a child could be. She knocked herself out to be a great mother and thought it had paid off in that child. Several years later, she had Child #2. He was the dead opposite of perfect, just wreaked havoc at all times. She said the first one had lulled her into thinking she had superior mothering skills, when a big part of it was that he was just an easy kid. She also said jokingly that if Child #2 had been the first, he would have been the last. She still knocked herself out to be a great mother, but she had to parent that one differently and his "leash" was a lot shorter.

My sister has three wonderful children. Her first two, a boy and a girl were the easiest babies you could imagine. We took them everywhere; sure, they had bad days, but we'd take them outside and they would behave pretty quickly. Child #3 on the other hand, was a bit of a challenge. Not bad but he required a little more attention. He wasn't as patient as the other two were. He was a bit of a picky eater. He didn't like to sit still too long. So we learned to make adjustments - took turns taking him for a walk, brought a book or paper and crayons so he wouldn't get restless. And he learned too, so after a few years of rocky times, he grew out of it. But we still tease my sister that if he were her first born, he might have been an only child!

 

[Turn the Page]

I have been reading this thread and for quite some time was very confused. Many people seem to think how kids act in restaurants is somehow different than how they behave during meal time at home. I couldn't figure out how some posters were making comments about how they couldn't control their kids in restaurants and therefore didn't take them. It just really makes me wonder if you couldn't control them in a restaurant how did you control them at home?

I never considered table manners in a restaurant to be any different than table manners used at home. The reason I have not ever taken my 5 year old stepdaughter to a restaurant is because her table manners were absolutely horrendous and she is one of those "difficult" kids as some of you so eloquently put it. It has taken nearly 2 years of working on it at home every single day to get her to stop combing her hair with her fork, playing with her silverware and plate rather than eating, playing with her food, dancing around in her chair, trying to get up and walk around the room, cramming her mouth so full of food she nearly choked, pitching a fit if she didn't get the exact plate she wanted, and eating her meal in something less than an hour because she spent way too much time dinking around rather than eating. She is a kid, her table manners are not perfect and there are some things we are still working on. However, I would never take her to a restaurant until she could model acceptable behavior at home. If she can't do it at home she can't do it in a restaurant and there was no way I was going to subject fellow diners to that.

I guess my main point is I consider table manners to be table manners whether you are at home or at a restaurant. You don't teach table manners and restaurant behavior at a restaurant. You teach it at home. You practice at home. Then you try at a restaurant.

And you certainly don't just throw up your hands and say I can't control my kid, hopefully he will grow out of it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

What do you do if they scream at the top of their lungs? Put your hand over their mouth? If they writhe and kick and scream with tremendous force and determination? Sit here and pin them down with both you and your husbands hands? Getting hurt in the process and possibly hurting your child in the process? Do other patrons want to see and hear this?

And then after doing all that what is you had to repeat for over 30 restraunt visits in a row?

Well, since you have quoted and questioned me... I will more than happy to answer, and leave no question about my take on this.

If ANY of the above happened... yes, you can bet your last penny that I and DH would haul that kid out of there faster than a speeding bullet.
If the child were THAT out of control, we would never bring the child into that situation to begin with.
Honestly, it sounds like that child might have issues that need addressed (even professionally), not to be brought into that type of situation to begin with.

You mentioned the fact that someone could possibly be hurt... seriously.

And, yes, if I had no other options, such as no child care that was prepared and able to handle this child, then I, myself, would have to forego these kinds of situations. And I would do that 30 times, and even 50 to 100 times over before I would subject others to that kind of thing.

Again, I am seeing a very very definite message of 'helplessness'....
The whole 'helpless' thing is so loud and clear that it can not be denied.
But, ohhhh, what is a parent to do.

In short, ANYTHING to avoid placing one's own desire to take part in that experience the only thing that is important, even to the level of ruining the whole time for dozens of other people/patrons.

 

[Lisaloo]

What do you do if they scream at the top of their lungs? Put your hand over their mouth? If they writhe and kick and scream with tremendous force and determination? Sit here and pin them down with both you and your husbands hands? Getting hurt in the process and possibly hurting your child in the process? Do other patrons want to see and hear this?

And then after doing all that what is you had to repeat for over 30 restraunt visits in a row?

That is not normal behavior and the parent has much bigger problems than being annoying in a restaurant.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I couldn't figure out how some posters were making comments about how they couldn't control their kids in restaurants and therefore didn't take them. It just really makes me wonder if you couldn't control them in a restaurant how did you control them at home?

You don't teach table manners and restaurant behavior at a restaurant. You teach it at home. You practice at home. Then you try at a restaurant.

And you certainly don't just throw up your hands and say I can't control my kid, hopefully he will grow out of it.

Amen sistah!!!!

 

[Turn the Page]

Also, I totally get wanting the convenience of not having to cook dinner that night. Especially with young kids at home sometimes it's just blissful to have someone else do the cooking.

This is not an either or situation. It's not "I need a night off so the other patrons in the establishment are just going to have to deal with juniors behavior because I can't control him and he is just being a kid."

It's called take out people. it's a thing. People do it.

 

[bethy]

After perhaps a maximum of 2-3 restaurants visits during which I had to take my child out of the place to keep him from disturbing others, I'd have gotten a big old hint and stopped taking him to restaurants for a loooooooong time. Going to a restaurant is a want and not a need. I'd try it again months later after practicing at home. If the child acted up again, we'd leave and enjoy another looooooong break from restaurants. The idea that someone would actually take a child who behaved like this to a restaurant and allow it to happen 30 times in a row is completely incomprehensible to me. Why would you inflict that upon other patrons? If my child behaved like that, they might never see the inside of a restaurant. It wouldn't kill them.

I'm travelling this weekend and parenting my challenging children and therefore not following this convo closely and so I probably shouldn't be participating. I have not made my point of view very clear. I choose NOT to take my spirited/challenging children to restaurants. Once in a while I try, hoping that as she matures it will someday be possible. If when/she acts up in ANY way - loud voice, getting up from table, etc I immediately remove her and we wait in the car for the rest of the meal. This does not faze her, fyi, but at least others are not bothered.

My personal issue is with people who look at my parenting from the outside and determine that with enough hands on parenting and with correct and consistent parenting skills my child should be able to behave in a restaurant. That my husband and I only need to squeeze her between us in a booth and take her utensils away and she will behave properly and not disturb others. That we are doing it wrong. That if we were "better" parents she would behave in a restaurant.

 

[bethy]

My sons definitely deserve the credit!!! I totally agree.

And, no, not every child is the same. But just because it might require a little extra effort on the part of the parents doesn't mean it's impossible. If it takes more, you do more. If A doesn't work, you try B.

There are way too many parents willing to sit back and say, "He's just too strong willed. He's just too hard to handle. He just doesn't listen to me." And then they give up and let the kid do whatever they want.

Not true. I know because I am in the trenches first hand with a child for whom " a little extra effort" does NOTHING. It takes moving the Earth, Moon, Stars and heavens just to get through a regular day without casualties. And we DO THAT. We don't sit back because that is absolutely NOT an option. No way is it ever worth it to add a restaurant on top of that.

 

[bethy]

When I see a child/parent dynamic like that at work, I make it about me so the parent has no choice but to stop the disruptive behavior. I'll say stuff like, "Could you do me a big favor? I get really scared when I hear loud noises and it makes me sad. Could we find something else for you to play with? You are so nice to help me!" I have about 10 scripted responses based on what kids are bashing, banging, or destroying. I just ask nicely and make it about my needs and focus on me being "sad" or "upset" or "scared." Works every time because it gets them to extinguish the behavior without judging the child or the parenting.

I would understand that my child and I were being judged in this scenario. But I would appreciate the effort anyway. My child would not internalize anything beyond your first 3-4 words of that long request. But I would and I would do my best to intervene - or actually avoid the entire scenario from happening in the first place.