Is it just me?

[kellyg403]

I am a person with a lot of personal boundaries. I don't really share a lot of private information with other people except immediate family. And that has its limits too.

Am I the weird one? Are there limits to what is shared with people? For example, would you tell an ex everything and anything simply because you were together and had children together, even when that information has nothing to do with the children and the children are grown adults? I am at a loss why people get mad when I say that is personal and I really would prefer not to share that with you? I don't share anyone else's personal information either. I feel like they trusted me with the information so its really not my place to share it.

Am I alone in thinking this? Or do I have my boundaries all screwed up? I grew up in the type of household where what went on in the house stayed in the house, when someone told you a confidence you were trustworthy enough to be there if needed but you didn't share it.

Something has been BLOWN way out of proportion because when asked I chose NOT to share the information I was given or knew about. I really am at a loss.

Kelly

 

[Christine]

I am a person with a lot of personal boundaries. I don't really share a lot of private information with other people except immediate family. And that has its limits too.

Am I the weird one? Are there limits to what is shared with people? For example, would you tell an ex everything and anything simply because you were together and had children together, even when that information has nothing to do with the children and the children are grown adults? I am at a loss why people get mad when I say that is personal and I really would prefer not to share that with you? I don't share anyone else's personal information either. I feel like they trusted me with the information so its really not my place to share it.

Am I alone in thinking this? Or do I have my boundaries all screwed up? I grew up in the type of household where what went on in the house stayed in the house, when someone told you a confidence you were trustworthy enough to be there if needed but you didn't share it.

Something has been BLOWN way out of proportion because when asked I chose NOT to share the information I was given or knew about. I really am at a loss.

Kelly

I don't think you are weird. And I certainly don't think it is weird at all NOT to share something someone told you in confidence.

I don't consider myself an overly private person. Meaning that if I have issues going on, even in my household, I will probably share them with my best friend or another close friend. Depends what it is. I do like my friends to be somewhat "open" about their lives and even, to some degree, personal things, or the friendship just seems superficial. So, I don't know at what level your "being private" goes to. I have met and tried to be friends with people who don't want to talk about ANYTHING in their lives so we end up just talking about baking, cooking, the latest sale at Ann Taylor, etc.

 

[NMAmy]

I feel that you're talking about two entirely separate issues.

I agree that a confidence usually should not be shared unless there is some life threatening reason to do so. I won't lie for someone, though. If I'm asked to keep something in confidence, I'm like a vault. But, for example, my mother often asks me to lie to my sisters about her health issues but I refuse to do that. Because I live closest to her, I'm the one that takes her to the doctor/hospital, etc. I guess it really depends on the circumstances which I'm guessing you can't go into here. There are some cases when not telling is the same thing as lying and I won't go there.

As to the private information thing, I also grew up in a family where what happened in the house, stayed in the house. I've ditched that philosophy and feel so much more free for having done it. Discussing personal problems with friends and accepting support and assistance has been extremely helpful over the years. For me, it's a much more open way to live and I feel better to have no secrets and have my life be an open book to anyone who cares to know about it. Pretending to have a perfect life is just not for me. (Not saying that this is what you are doing, OP, but rather what was expected in my family.)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am a bare all however if someone told me something in confidence that is another matter.

Agree with PP that you are talking about 2 seperate issues.

 

[sunnyday123]

I am a bare all however if someone told me something in confidence that is another matter.

Agree with PP that you are talking about 2 seperate issues.

This.

However, what I really don't get is why people put up all kinds of personal information such as pictures of their house,thier kids, themselves,and tell people what state they live in, their job, etc on the internet.

 

[kirbsam]

i think it is just you and you are the weird one. hope this helps.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

"For example, would you tell an ex everything and anything simply because you were together and had children together, even when that information has nothing to do with the children and the children are grown adults?" Not too sure what it is your ex wants to know and how much is none of his business.

 

[horseshowmom]

I don't think you're strange at all. Of course, that may be because I identify with what you're saying!

I also grew up with family information being private (I'm assuming that the OP isn't discussing some kind of inappropriate behavior being covered up, that she just means that family information was just that). We tend to be that way to a certain point in my own family, and I see nothing wrong with that.

I am a pretty private person. While I do share some information with others, lots of stuff I don't share. I'm very selective with whom I do share personal things. While I agree with the others, the issues are separate, I also don't share things people tell me in confidence. I have people tell me a lot because they know that beyond a shadow of a doubt (generally much more than I would share with them for the most part).

While in some ways the Dis provides an opportunity to talk about things due to the anonymity involved. I don't often get in nearly as deep as I see some people doing.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I am at a loss why people get mad when I say that is personal and I really would prefer not to share that with you?

I can't address the people you associate with, but when I encounter people who get mad when I state my reasons are personal for not sharing information, it's likely because it's a control issue. If they know my reason for not wanting to do something they can then become a "salesman" and find all sorts of reasons for why my reason isn't valid and that I should do what they want me to do.

Example: co-worker wants me to go to lunch with her group. I say no, I'd rather not. She asks why. I say I have errands to run. Then comes the littany of reasons for why my choice in how I spend my personal time is invalid:
You can run those errands after work.
You can run those errands tomorrow.
What are the errands?
You don't really need to do those things now, do you?
You can come to lunch with us, you just don't want to.
You think you won't have a good time but you will.
Come on, go to lunch with us.
If you don't come to lunch with us, it's because you don't like (me, my friend, who we are, what we talk about, etc, etc, tec).

However, if I'd have said I have my reasons and they're personal, then refused to continue the conversation, my co-worker would probably be mad because she can't shoot down an argument I haven't given her. N'est-ce pas?

 

[We_Love_Disney]

4

However, if I'd have said I have my reasons and they're personal, then refused to continue the conversation, my co-worker would probably be mad because she can't shoot down an argument I haven't given her. N'est-ce pas?

Much like the parent to child: "Because I said so" - translation "I am not giving you a reason that you will try in vain to argue" As a child I hated the because I said so, now as a mom, I love love love it! Saves many hours of bickering.

 

[johnsontrio]

Consider this from another perspective. I am not talking about confidences, I am only addressing your own information that you choose to share or not share with others.

My DD has a friend that is very introverted and secretive about everything in her life. For example: she will be talking on the phone with DD trying to make plans and she'll say I have to do something first. If DD asks any questions the answers are, somewhere, someone, something. We might later find out incidentally that the big secret was a quick trip to Target to pick up say school supplies. I'm not sure why that information has to be kept top secret but for her it does. Most of DD's interactions with her involve this type of situation.

As a result of this ongoing behavior on her part, I find myself not being able to warm up to her after 3+ years of them being friends. I find every conversation like pulling teeth and frankly it's really not worth all that effort. I don't for a minute think she's up to anything or hiding anything that we wouldn't approve of. She is not trouble, she is a lovely girl. But she makes me uncomfortable in my own house. If I start asking questions about what they are doing, going etc. and start giving guidelines, she gets the deer in the headlights look. She reacts to an ordinary conversation like it is the grand inquisition. She never is forthcoming with any information. My DH feels the same way.

We are very open in our home and everyone says what's on their mind. I'm not sure how long this friendship will last past high school because DD is confused by this and it makes her uncomfortable. You might be alienating people who otherwise would be your friend if you were more open with who you are and what your about. On the the hand, you might not care to have more friends. I personally, don't care to sit around reading tea leaves and I probably wouldn't put any effort into a friendship with someone as secretive as you. What would be the point? Would you really even know the person who you are friends with if they keep everything a big secret?

 

[BEloveDisney]

I'm sort of in between. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you far more than you probably want to know. That being said, not everyone needs to know everything. When I was pregnant, my MIL wanted to know every little detail of everything. She was mad once because I didn't tell her my weight and blood pressure. I stopped telling her anything after that and refused to tell her anything else. However, the baby ended up having major problems and so I told her and the rest of the family all about that, but left out all of the stuff about me. My husband's family seems to be very involved in each other's lives especially medical stuff. I don't get it. And I should add that the more someone tells me to tell them stuff the less likely I am to tell them. My parents have been divorced forever, but are still good friends. They tell each other just enough so that the other one sort of knows what's going on in case of an emergency. Or if they need a ride for a procedure (colonoscopy stuff seems to be the most common, my mom had sinus surgery years ago and he drove her and then waited for the surgery to be over and then took her home, tucked her in, and made us dinner. He's nice.)

 

[Disney Doll]

I have no problem with folks who choose to keep private information private.

But, as a PP said, if you're the type who doesn't open at all about anything, that can get tiresome fromt he perspective of an acquaintance. The example of the big secretive trip to Target is a good one....

 

[kellyg403]

I guess I mispoke to a degree, with family and friends I do share confidences but really if I don't know you well, until I figure out what type of person you are I tend to be more private. I.e., I know if I tell you something in private and the next day it will be all over the office, no, I won't share much with you on a personal level. It stays pretty much all business.

And honestly, I share here on the disboards when I can relate and say 'hey you are not alone'.

I just find it strange that some people do not understand that I prefer to be trustworthy with information spoken to me in confidence. I feel like it is a 'not your business' thing unless that person tells you or asks me to tell you and it would be alright.

This particular situation, a friend spoke something in confidence to me. Until it gets worked out and decisions made she asked me to keep it that way, and basically was just looking for a venting situation from me. Another person asked some really intrusive questions and when I spoke about it being personal, she was not happy and accused me of thinking SHE was not trustworthy with a confidence. The next day I had someone approach me about the first conversation/person and wanted to know if it was true about a health situation etc. I was floored because it is not a health situation and it was malicious on the other persons part.

I guess I was having issue that another person can not take a 'personal, sorry' and leave it at that. I have always respected privacy and enjoy a certain amount of privacy myself.

Kelly

 

[Holly]

I'm sometimes a little shocked by the amount of personal information that people share online.

I recently read a trip report with at least a hundred pictures, real first names and cities, and then a bunch of smack-talking and detailed private information about the in-laws who were pretty clearly identified in the thread.

It made me cringe a little.

 

[Christine]

I guess I mispoke to a degree, with family and friends I do share confidences but really if I don't know you well, until I figure out what type of person you are I tend to be more private. I.e., I know if I tell you something in private and the next day it will be all over the office, no, I won't share much with you on a personal level. It stays pretty much all business.

And honestly, I share here on the disboards when I can relate and say 'hey you are not alone'.

I just find it strange that some people do not understand that I prefer to be trustworthy with information spoken to me in confidence. I feel like it is a 'not your business' thing unless that person tells you or asks me to tell you and it would be alright.

This particular situation, a friend spoke something in confidence to me. Until it gets worked out and decisions made she asked me to keep it that way, and basically was just looking for a venting situation from me. Another person asked some really intrusive questions and when I spoke about it being personal, she was not happy and accused me of thinking SHE was not trustworthy with a confidence. The next day I had someone approach me about the first conversation/person and wanted to know if it was true about a health situation etc. I was floored because it is not a health situation and it was malicious on the other persons part.

I guess I was having issue that another person can not take a 'personal, sorry' and leave it at that. I have always respected privacy and enjoy a certain amount of privacy myself.

Kelly

Then in that case, I think you're pretty normal. I wouldn't tell anyone else anything that Person #1 said until they made it clear that it was public info and, even then, hey it's THEIR story to tell.

 

[shortbun]

I have some pretty solid boundaries. I don't post much about my spouse, my son's pic has never graced the internet-not has my families, I don't have a facebook or similar page and consider those sites to be a gross boundaryless land. I don't share with my girlfriends about the intimate details of my marriage although many of them are ready to pony up any and all information about theirs.... I do share politics and religious belief but since this site doesn't allow those....I post here about 1/10 of what I used to.

 

[Magpie]

I guess I mispoke to a degree, with family and friends I do share confidences but really if I don't know you well, until I figure out what type of person you are I tend to be more private. I.e., I know if I tell you something in private and the next day it will be all over the office, no, I won't share much with you on a personal level. It stays pretty much all business.

And honestly, I share here on the disboards when I can relate and say 'hey you are not alone'.

I just find it strange that some people do not understand that I prefer to be trustworthy with information spoken to me in confidence. I feel like it is a 'not your business' thing unless that person tells you or asks me to tell you and it would be alright.

This particular situation, a friend spoke something in confidence to me. Until it gets worked out and decisions made she asked me to keep it that way, and basically was just looking for a venting situation from me. Another person asked some really intrusive questions and when I spoke about it being personal, she was not happy and accused me of thinking SHE was not trustworthy with a confidence. The next day I had someone approach me about the first conversation/person and wanted to know if it was true about a health situation etc. I was floored because it is not a health situation and it was malicious on the other persons part.

I guess I was having issue that another person can not take a 'personal, sorry' and leave it at that. I have always respected privacy and enjoy a certain amount of privacy myself.

Kelly

From the sound of it, you absolutely did the right thing. Friend A told you something in confidence. Friend B asked and you refused to share. Then Friend C shows up the next day bearing malicious rumours about Friend A. In this case I would have kept Friend A's confidence, told Friend B that she'd have to talk to Friend A directly if she wanted the whole story, and let Friend C know that she was WAY off the mark and if the info came from Friend B then she was sadly mistaken (AKA a malicious little gossip).

And I say this as a chronic "over-sharer" in real life. I strongly believe that secrets are bad and letting your laundry hang out just makes it smell better.

But there's a difference between choosing to ditch your own personal privacy, and compromising the privacy of others. I love telling a story and making people laugh, but that doesn't mean I can't keep a secret - especially if, as in your case, the person who gave it to me clearly tells me not to share it with anyone!

I think you were treated badly and it has nothing to do with you being a private person. Your nosy friend is being a jerk.

 

[kellyg403]

Thanks for all the replies. Friend A and Friend B had a long term relationship and are now ex's. They have two adopted children together. Friend B, even though it has been 5 years in break up land, believes that Friend A, her previous partner, should share everything with her because they have children. Those children are now grown, and while the initial conversation was medically related it wasn't anything huge or possibly terminal. It is more of situation where something needs to be taken care of but there are financial considerations etc. The vent was mostly about insurance and disability honestly. The medical condition was mentioned but you know I didn't ask a lot of questions because she didn't elaborate. I kinda felt like the whole conversation was more of 'can you believe it' type of thing.

Friend B took it to a whole new level, started malicious and hurtful I might add gossip that makes it seem like her ex is keeping vital information from her and their kids about something that will change their lives forever.

And you are right, two different things, maybe even 6 different dynamics but it just struck me that not only did she cross a boundary with me but her children's other parent. They are ex's, the kids are grown etc. I don't speak to my ex about most personal stuff and if I had an issue that my kids needed to know I would decide if it was best to speak to them alone or with their dad present to make it better.

It just was a really really odd day from start to finish and in the end I was p'od for friend A!

Kelly