Is Asexuality real?

[CheshireSmile]

I know this isn't exactly a LGBT topic, but everyone on this board seems so nice, I hope you don't mind me posing this question to people who might actually be able to help. Ever since my GF broke up with me a year ago, everyone in my life has been questioning me on whether I'm bi or a lesbian, since I had a boyfriend before her. But then I dated another guy earlier this year. Needless to say, everyone is confused, all very accepting, but very confused. And they ask if I'm lesbian or bi. I can't seem to make anyone understand that not only do I not think I'm either, I don't think I'm anything at all. I loved both my BFs and adored my GF, but it never had anything to do with what gender they were, I just loved the people they were, I fell in love with their personalities. I was incredibly frustrating to all three of them because I have basically no 'drive' whatsoever. If you cuddle me and talk to me, that's all I need, and I'll love you forever. I've always been this way, and my friends have found different ways of explaining it my whole life, mostly having to do with being raised very Catholic and just being very repressed. It's always worked for everyone else, but being called repressed just doesn't cut it for me. I've done some reading on the topic, and I've come across very little information on asexuality, except for the fact that most people think it doesn't exist, that asexuals are either too young or just haven't met the right person, or were abused as children, or other things, and that if there ARE such people, they'd number less than 1% of the population. To bring this long rambling to a close, does anybody here have any experience with this? Does such a thing actually exist? It's not that I'm in such a hurry to 'label' myself as anything, but this is the closest thing I've read that actually makes sense to me. I'd welcome anybody's thoughts, really, I'm a very open-minded person. I'll even listen if you just think I'm repressed and will grow out of it .

 

[RAPstar]

I know this isn't exactly a LGBT topic, but everyone on this board seems so nice, I hope you don't mind me posing this question to people who might actually be able to help. Ever since my GF broke up with me a year ago, everyone in my life has been questioning me on whether I'm bi or a lesbian, since I had a boyfriend before her. But then I dated another guy earlier this year. Needless to say, everyone is confused, all very accepting, but very confused. And they ask if I'm lesbian or bi. I can't seem to make anyone understand that not only do I not think I'm either, I don't think I'm anything at all. I loved both my BFs and adored my GF, but it never had anything to do with what gender they were, I just loved the people they were, I fell in love with their personalities. I was incredibly frustrating to all three of them because I have basically no 'drive' whatsoever. If you cuddle me and talk to me, that's all I need, and I'll love you forever. I've always been this way, and my friends have found different ways of explaining it my whole life, mostly having to do with being raised very Catholic and just being very repressed. It's always worked for everyone else, but being called repressed just doesn't cut it for me. I've done some reading on the topic, and I've come across very little information on asexuality, except for the fact that most people think it doesn't exist, that asexuals are either too young or just haven't met the right person, or were abused as children, or other things, and that if there ARE such people, they'd number less than 1% of the population. To bring this long rambling to a close, does anybody here have any experience with this? Does such a thing actually exist? It's not that I'm in such a hurry to 'label' myself as anything, but this is the closest thing I've read that actually makes sense to me. I'd welcome anybody's thoughts, really, I'm a very open-minded person. I'll even listen if you just think I'm repressed and will grow out of it .

I have a similar problem with my bf. he claims to have no sex drive, so he says I can fool around....which I have a very limited sex drive. course, he also seem to fool around right before or right after he comes to visit me (it's a long distance thing). I totally think asexuality exists. Sometimes I think i am. Course that may be with the trouble I've had finding someone (a long story, don't ask). I can't stand other gay guys have the time, and most of the women I run into just annoy me (no offense really). Course that too could be because of the state of most people my age (23 in June) nowadays and the constant need to get drunk and laid. if it weren't for the need of affection, i'd just stay in my room on the internet, which I pretty much do anyway. nice to find someone out there who'd rather cuddle. now if I could find someone like that in my state, lol. oh well, beggars can't be choosers! hope i helped some, if not then i hope you find you're answers soon!

 

[smartestnumber5]

I think it's always so interesting when people say things like asexuality or bisexuality doesn't exist. How in the heck would anyone other than asexuals and bisexuals themselves be in the position to know? It would be kind of like saying Jews don't exist--anyone who thinks they are a Jew is either confused or lying.

So you've probably guessed, I certainly do believe that there are people who permanently lack interest in sex and/or are not sexually attracted to other people--hence I do believe there is such a thing as asexuality. A friend of mine in college who was very involved with the GLBT group spent a lot of time thinking about her own sexuality as a result of spending so much time in a group interested in minority sexualities; she began to accept that she just was not interested in sex and began to identify as asexual.

As far as the possibility of someone not being interested in sex just because they are repressed, I suppose that is possible. But I would think that people who are repressed because of strict upbringings or something like that would be more likely to still experience a sex drive, but would feel too guilty or dirty to allow themselves to express it. I sometimes suspect that my grandmother is either just completely uninterested in sex. She's willing to talk about it and can enjoy a dirty joke here or there, so it's not as if she thinks sex is just a dirty topic not to be talked about or enjoyed. She just has always had the attitude that sex is something women have to do for men. I remember once talking about bachelorette parties with her and she was just astounded at the idea that any woman would be interested in seeing a man strip--she was just like, "Why would you want to see a naked man?" She had a hysterectomy in her 40-50s and my mom just had one in her early 50s. My grandmother was telling my mom about her experience recovering from the surgery and basically said, "Oh after 6 weeks the doctor told me I could have sex again--yeah right, who's interested in sex at that age!?" My mom told me in her head she was thinking, "What? I'm 50 years old, not 85. Yes of course I would like to have sex again in the 35 years before I die." So I just get the sense from my grandmother that sex was not something she ever wanted to do.

My aunt on the other hand I suspect is just kind of repressed. She just doesn't like to talk about sex at all, she can't use the proper terms for talking about genitalia, she's very into modesty and doesn't approve of sex outside of marriage. She's never seemed to be incredulous about why women like to see strippers at bachelorette parties--she just thinks it's too dirty/sleazy/embarrassing, so she would never want to see it.

I think the important difference between being repressed and being asexual is that it seems that people who are repressed still care about sex and sexual attraction; their repression is a problem because their feelings of guilt or embarrassment or modesty or whatever can end up making it hard for them to actually fulfill their own desires regarding sex/sexual attraction. But people who are asexual, on the other hand, don't care about sex/sexual attraction, so the lack of it is not, in itself, a problem for them.

At least, that's how I see things.

Have you visited the AVEN website at www.asexuality.org?

 

[Viki]

I am sure there are people for whom sexuality has had no attraction. I say that as a biologist. In nature (including human nature) you can find just about every variety of the rainbow - that's how evolution works. It always carries as much variety as it can, because you never know what might need to be selected for (in other words, variety is selected for - a DNA base that tended toward conformity would never have been selected by environmental pressures because it's literally a dead end).

For example, there are lots of asexual organisms in nature - think of bee colonies where very few of the members are coded for breeding.

There are even folk who aren't "coded" for affection.

For complex sets of reasons they've all been found useful in their unique way.

 

[CheshireSmile]

I have a similar problem with my bf. he claims to have no sex drive, so he says I can fool around....which I have a very limited sex drive. course, he also seem to fool around right before or right after he comes to visit me (it's a long distance thing). I totally think asexuality exists. Sometimes I think i am. Course that may be with the trouble I've had finding someone (a long story, don't ask). I can't stand other gay guys have the time, and most of the women I run into just annoy me (no offense really). Course that too could be because of the state of most people my age (23 in June) nowadays and the constant need to get drunk and laid. if it weren't for the need of affection, i'd just stay in my room on the internet, which I pretty much do anyway. nice to find someone out there who'd rather cuddle. now if I could find someone like that in my state, lol. oh well, beggars can't be choosers! hope i helped some, if not then i hope you find you're answers soon!

Thanks for your reply, I understand about long distance relationships, my GF lived in the UK. Makes me feel better and a little more 'normal'. And I get your comment about the age group, I'm 22 and in college so sex is completely unavoidable (except for me, obviously). And I don't even drink! I'm allergic, alcohol makes me very ill. I'm very affectionate as far as cuddling and hugging, so people look surprised that I'm a virgin. I have no problem saying I'm a virgin, and never understand the shocked look people get on their faces like I've just shared this VERY intimate secret. Sure I'm in the minority, but I don't think I'm weird or anything, just everyone else does.

I think it's always so interesting when people say things like asexuality or bisexuality doesn't exist. How in the heck would anyone other than asexuals and bisexuals themselves be in the position to know? It would be kind of like saying Jews don't exist--anyone who thinks they are a Jew is either confused or lying.

So you've probably guessed, I certainly do believe that there are people who permanently lack interest in sex and/or are not sexually attracted to other people--hence I do believe there is such a thing as asexuality. A friend of mine in college who was very involved with the GLBT group spent a lot of time thinking about her own sexuality as a result of spending so much time in a group interested in minority sexualities; she began to accept that she just was not interested in sex and began to identify as asexual.

As far as the possibility of someone not being interested in sex just because they are repressed, I suppose that is possible. But I would think that people who are repressed because of strict upbringings or something like that would be more likely to still experience a sex drive, but would feel too guilty or dirty to allow themselves to express it. I sometimes suspect that my grandmother is either just completely uninterested in sex. She's willing to talk about it and can enjoy a dirty joke here or there, so it's not as if she thinks sex is just a dirty topic not to be talked about or enjoyed. She just has always had the attitude that sex is something women have to do for men. I remember once talking about bachelorette parties with her and she was just astounded at the idea that any woman would be interested in seeing a man strip--she was just like, "Why would you want to see a naked man?" She had a hysterectomy in her 40-50s and my mom just had one in her early 50s. My grandmother was telling my mom about her experience recovering from the surgery and basically said, "Oh after 6 weeks the doctor told me I could have sex again--yeah right, who's interested in sex at that age!?" My mom told me in her head she was thinking, "What? I'm 50 years old, not 85. Yes of course I would like to have sex again in the 35 years before I die." So I just get the sense from my grandmother that sex was not something she ever wanted to do.

My aunt on the other hand I suspect is just kind of repressed. She just doesn't like to talk about sex at all, she can't use the proper terms for talking about genitalia, she's very into modesty and doesn't approve of sex outside of marriage. She's never seemed to be incredulous about why women like to see strippers at bachelorette parties--she just thinks it's too dirty/sleazy/embarrassing, so she would never want to see it.

I think the important difference between being repressed and being asexual is that it seems that people who are repressed still care about sex and sexual attraction; their repression is a problem because their feelings of guilt or embarrassment or modesty or whatever can end up making it hard for them to actually fulfill their own desires regarding sex/sexual attraction. But people who are asexual, on the other hand, don't care about sex/sexual attraction, so the lack of it is not, in itself, a problem for them.

At least, that's how I see things.

Have you visited the AVEN website at www.asexuality.org?

Wow, thanks for your reply, I think I'd really like your grandma, she sounds like me. I'm planning my sister's bachelorette party and I'm hoping she's not expecting a stripper because I won't hire one, and if there's one there, I won't stay. Thanks VERY much for the website, I've lurked around there all day, and it's amazing. There's people out there like me! Lots of them! It's a very overwhelming feeling for me, but it's a happy and peaceful feeling. I no longer feel at odds about what type of orientation I might have, or at least I feel better about not knowing. I've never met someone like me, but just the fact that there ARE more out there, really helps.

I am sure there are people for whom sexuality has had no attraction. I say that as a biologist. In nature (including human nature) you can find just about every variety of the rainbow - that's how evolution works. It always carries as much variety as it can, because you never know what might need to be selected for (in other words, variety is selected for - a DNA base that tended toward conformity would never have been selected by environmental pressures because it's literally a dead end).

For example, there are lots of asexual organisms in nature - think of bee colonies where very few of the members are coded for breeding.

There are even folk who aren't "coded" for affection.

For complex sets of reasons they've all been found useful in their unique way.

Thanks for your reply, and thanks for using bees and not amoebas, which is what I came up with as an asexual organism. I greatly respect your opinion and even get all the DNA stuff, I love biology. And I agree with your last statement, I feel very useful to everyone in my life, my feelings only bother me when I feel like I frustrate the sexual people I date or have them thinking I don't love them.

I really appreciate all the kind words, this is something that has been bothering me for............well forever.

 

[Fitswimmer]

Wow...is this ever me. I have been single for YEARS and could really care less. I've dated guys, had decent relationships but they never evolved into anything. It was just ok, nothing I couldn't live without. I've had very close friendships with females, but I can't really say that I was ever attracted to a female in a sexual way. I have no interest in finding a "mate" for sexual reasons, but I will admit to wishing I was more "normal" in the case of orientation, just to fit in. Right now, I kind of feel like an island. I don't belong with the straight folks, because I'm not married, or wanting to be married and I don't have or want kids. I don't belong with the gay community because I'm not gay either-even though a fair number of folks I work with and even some family members think I am. (mostly based on my lack of fashion interest and love of sports)

I can't even believe I'm telling you guys this, but I figure if anyone will be accepting, you will.

 

[ChrizJen]

Wow...is this ever me. I have been single for YEARS and could really care less. I've dated guys, had decent relationships but they never evolved into anything. It was just ok, nothing I couldn't live without. I've had very close friendships with females, but I can't really say that I was ever attracted to a female in a sexual way. I have no interest in finding a "mate" for sexual reasons, but I will admit to wishing I was more "normal" in the case of orientation, just to fit in. Right now, I kind of feel like an island. I don't belong with the straight folks, because I'm not married, or wanting to be married and I don't have or want kids. I don't belong with the gay community because I'm not gay either-even though a fair number of folks I work with and even some family members think I am. (mostly based on my lack of fashion interest and love of sports)

I can't even believe I'm telling you guys this, but I figure if anyone will be accepting, you will.

I think that the best pilosophy is just to get past the whole "label" issue. I do fully understand that people need to "identify" in some way or other, but I also think that it's healthier to just be who you are, and don't worry about placing a name on it. I think society drives us to define ourselves with a rigid label, and sometimes we just don't fit into one of those labels.

I too am one with very little/no "drive". I had 2 male partners before, and it was the same. I felt nothing. I am head over heels in love with Jen, and she is the one I'll be with until the end of time. I LOVE to cuddle and hold hands, and all of that goofy stuff. But there still isn't a whole lot from me in "that department". I SO wish there was. I wish I could have the stuff you see in movies. I feel like an inadequate partner, and it's a horrible feeling. I've thought about counseling because part of me thinks that it could stem from childhood issues, but the rest of me wonders if it's just part of who I am.

Who knows, but it's good to see others with similar situations.

 

[Fitswimmer]

I think that the best pilosophy is just to get past the whole "label" issue. I do fully understand that people need to "identify" in some way or other, but I also think that it's healthier to just be who you are, and don't worry about placing a name on it. I think society drives us to define ourselves with a rigid label, and sometimes we just don't fit into one of those labels.

I too am one with very little/no "drive". I had 2 male partners before, and it was the same. I felt nothing. I am head over heels in love with Jen, and she is the one I'll be with until the end of time. I LOVE to cuddle and hold hands, and all of that goofy stuff. But there still isn't a whole lot from me in "that department". I SO wish there was. I wish I could have the stuff you see in movies. I feel like an inadequate partner, and it's a horrible feeling. I've thought about counseling because part of me thinks that it could stem from childhood issues, but the rest of me wonders if it's just part of who I am.

Who knows, but it's good to see others with similar situations.

I knew I liked you.... I think we just might be kindred spirits.

I've thought about counseling too, but part of me says-"you're 46 years old, what the heck do you think you're going to change NOW?"

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm in counseling to try and figure me out (and I'm 47yo ). I agree that the labels can get tricky. Thinking of myself as a lesbian blows my mind sometimes--something about thinking I was straight for 46 years. The only conclusion that makes sense is that I'm attracted to an individual, nevermind their gender, but I don't think it's that simple in my case. Or maybe it is. See, I'm even confusing myself. I can't say that don't have a sex drive , however I didn't have much of one with my husband. Was that because I was really lesbian and hadn't figured it out or because I just didn't have one? Hopefully counseling will help me figure out the answers to at least most of my questions. How could my gaydar have been so off with me?

 

[ChrizJen]

I knew I liked you.... I think we just might be kindred spirits.

I've thought about counseling too, but part of me says-"you're 46 years old, what the heck do you think you're going to change NOW?"

I think we MUST be kindred spirits!! Maybe we were somehow connected in a past life

As for the counseling, you make a good point. If your situation works for you, then you're probably right. You may not gain a whole lot through counseling. On the other hand, it could be an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

Sometimes I wish we came with a user's manual or an instruction booklet. Then again, I'd probably set it aside and not read it anyway.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sometimes I wish we came with a user's manual or an instruction booklet. Then again, I'd probably set it aside and not read it anyway.

If I came with a user's manual (womanual? it would be the size of an unabridged dictionary and I'd never have the patience to read it. Not to mention the fact that I would have thought it was a science fiction book if I had of read it several years ago.

 

[CheshireSmile]

Woohoo, more people! At the suggestion of one of the earlier posters, I did check out the AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) forum at www.asexuality.org, and I'm having a lot of fun over there. Lots of........interesting people. The whole place is populated with asexuals, aromantics, antisexuals, celibates, and every possible other thing. Everyone's very supportive, but yeah, everyone's bit crazy over there, sometimes I feel a bit like Alice at the Mad Tea Party. But everyone's very supportive, I haven't noticed any flaming, and lots of people have lots of different viewpoints and experiences and they're all interesting to read. It's also very international, lots of people from the UK, as well as Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, even a guy from Serbia joined yesterday. Just wanted to give them a bump around here, they've got an excellent forum going, for anybody else who may be interested in checking it out. Pretty sure I'm the only Disney freak on there.......but lots of people say they're looking for the 'Disney Love' experience!

I'm happy there's more people who feel this way . Thanks guys.

 

[Fitswimmer]

I'm in counseling to try and figure me out (and I'm 47yo ). I agree that the labels can get tricky. Thinking of myself as a lesbian blows my mind sometimes--something about thinking I was straight for 46 years. The only conclusion that makes sense is that I'm attracted to an individual, nevermind their gender, but I don't think it's that simple in my case. Or maybe it is. See, I'm even confusing myself. I can't say that don't have a sex drive , however I didn't have much of one with my husband. Was that because I was really lesbian and hadn't figured it out or because I just didn't have one? Hopefully counseling will help me figure out the answers to at least most of my questions. How could my gaydar have been so off with me?

If I pressed most of my friends and family, they would probably all say that I was a "non-practicing" lesbian-even though I've never discussed it with them. I fit many of the stereotypes of lesbians, from my clothing to my interest in athletics. I'm not at all interested in a pair of Jimmy Choos, but put me in the Nike store and I'm in heaven. Given a choice of a Sunday afternoon at the mall or the NFL-the NFL wins EVERY time. Even as a kid, I wasn't much for dolls, but I had a decent Matchbox car collection and spent my afternoons playing basketball, pickup baseball or hockey with the guys. I used to think I was born in the wrong body, but since I'm not really attracted sexually to either gender-that didn't seem to fit.
People used to say.."oh, you'll find the right person someday" but they've even stopped saying that as I've gotten older. They pretty much have relegated me to spinster lesbian status now I think.