Is 3 too young for open casket funeral?

[Blessed_wth_Triplets]

I'm torn. My husband's grandfather has passed and he will have a traditional Catholic funeral. My first instinct was to not take her. She already knows he died and he is with Jesus. While she is very smart,i don't think he canunderstand why his body is in a casket, yet he is with Jesus...ya know? My husband thinks it wold be fine to take her. Thoughts?

 

[Blessed_wth_Triplets]

Yikes...sorry for all the typos...iPad at night is not good

 

[1stvisit0909]

My daughter went to one at 4. She doesnt remember it. When my FIL passed away and we went to his, it was also open, they are 11 and 7 now and my 11 didnt remember the one from 4, so it was kinda like a first for them both again.

 

[jwmoss]

I don't take my kids to open casket services until they are old enough to tell me IF they want to go and WHY they want to go. I don't want my little one having a last memory of a loved one to be that of him/her in a casket.
Whatever you decide be sure to talk about it afterward.
So sorry for your loss, but will rejoice with you and your family in the promise we have in Jesus.

 

[sjs314]

I do not see any reason to not take Her and I have to agree she more than likely won't remember it.
When my two sons passed away small children attended and even placed drawings In the casket the youngest was 3.

 

[bushdianee]

My mom just passed a little over a month ago. I have several young nieces and nephews and they each handled it differently. One 6yo niece wouldn't go into Mom's room the night she died or into the viewing room for a while at the funeral home. We just told her it was okay to do what she wanted to. It took her about an hour but she slowly enterd the room and made it up to the casket. Then she was fine. One sister has a 2yo & a 4yo, they didn't go to the viewing or the funeral. My cousin has a 4yo who was at the viewing. She asked a lot of questions but was fine there. However since she has returned home (they were from out of town) she has had a lot of questions about death and is afraid her grandma is going to die like my niece's did. At the funeral a 2yo great niece became very upset when her mom started crying. She didn't go up to casket but every time her mom cried she would cry loudly. A 6yo great nephew played with figurines throughout the viewing and funeral.
Each child handles it differently and you have to go with what your gut tells you regarding your child.

 

[canopynut66]

IMO---I feel it is best to take them young so that can explain to them his body is there and he sleeping and will go to be with Jesus or howevver your family beleives. when she older can explain more. had a great grandaughter who was 7 and they would not take her to her great grand fathers funeral and then when she was 12 and her grand Mother died she was devestated and did not understand a thing plus she was so close to her. so IMO best to take them young answer what they ask best they can understand

 

[MistressMerryweather]

My brother died this past April and we sat at the wake for 2 days and the funeral with my 3yo ds. He was fine and accepted it as it was. He frequently wanted to go up to say "Hi" to Uncle Nick. I think it was helpful for him to process that he wasn't going to be with us anymore.
We go to the grave sight often to visit and sit. One time he was drinking a juice box and stuck the straw into the ground of the grave. He said it was "in case Uncle Nick was thirsty, he could get a drink if it rained." Sweet, sweet boy. I just reminded him that Uncle Nick was with Jesus and only his body was there. That all of his laughing, feeling and heart was in Heaven, and he remembered and agreed.
I think they are okay with it, if you are okay with it. It is a part of life and they usually just accept.
My brothers 2yo and 4yo sons were both there as well and did fine.

 

[1stvisit0909]

My mom just passed a little over a month ago. I have several young nieces and nephews and they each handled it differently. One 6yo niece wouldn't go into Mom's room the night she died or into the viewing room for a while at the funeral home. We just told her it was okay to do what she wanted to. It took her about an hour but she slowly enterd the room and made it up to the casket. Then she was fine. One sister has a 2yo & a 4yo, they didn't go to the viewing or the funeral. My cousin has a 4yo who was at the viewing. She asked a lot of questions but was fine there. However since she has returned home (they were from out of town) she has had a lot of questions about death and is afraid her grandma is going to die like my niece's did. At the funeral a 2yo great niece became very upset when her mom started crying. She didn't go up to casket but every time her mom cried she would cry loudly. A 6yo great nephew played with figurines throughout the viewing and funeral.
Each child handles it differently and you have to go with what your gut tells you regarding your child.

I totally agree. My kids went into say good bye to their grandfather and then wanted to LEAVE the room, so we did. I sat out in the lobby with them and we talked about it, and after about 30 mins or so they went back in. They didnt spend a lot of time in the room until later in the day, they became more comfortable with it and the crowd - we live 5 hours away so there were LOTs of family they didnt know but knew who they were. I just followed their lead answered questions they had.

 

[Lamping3]

I would take her. I took my 3 year old to my grandfathers funeral and an older friend of the family. You need to let kids experience these things and ask questions about death. Just explain it on their terms/level. I had a second cousin that was never taken to a funeral and his mom passed away when he was 8. He had a complete meltdown at the funeral He was so confused and overwhelmed not only because his mom had died but because he hadn't experienced a funeral before then and wasn't prepared with a past experience to get certain questions answered beforehand.

This probably sounds horrible but I always think of it as I wouldn't want my kids first funeral to attend to be mine or my husbands. I would rather it be someone they are not as close to so they can ask questions without being so emotional. I figured my granpa's was perfect....she knew him but wasn't that attached because he was older when she was born.

 

[tlh0726]

IMO---I feel it is best to take them young so that can explain to them his body is there and he sleeping and will go to be with Jesus or howevver your family beleives. when she older can explain more. had a great grandaughter who was 7 and they would not take her to her great grand fathers funeral and then when she was 12 and her grand Mother died she was devestated and did not understand a thing plus she was so close to her. so IMO best to take them young answer what they ask best they can understand

please explain it without saying he's sleeping. You do not want any issues with your child being afraid to go to sleep.

My DS kindergarten teacher did not go to a funeral until she was in her 20's her parents shielded her from it. She had a difficult time.

 

[Hannathy]

My DS went to my Mom's when he was not quite 2.

I do have to tell you a sweet but sad thing that happened. At the funeral they had the family in with the casket and had closed the curtain between the family and casket and the rest of the people sitting in the rows so the family could have a private few minutes to say goodbye. Now my DS was a late talker and really quiet, was only saying a few words. After we had all had our chance to go up to the casket and were leaving my DH was holding my DS and he was bringing up the back of our small group walking out and just as he was leaving my DS turns and in the sweetest little baby voice waved to my Mom in the casket and said "bye-bye"

When we walked back in to sit down, I don't think there was a dry eye in the place because they had all heard him say bye-bye.

I think it is good for kids to see that the person has really died and is no longer in their body and can comprehend they are really gone.
Just be honest with her and be natural, kids are honest and understanding if you haven't passed along a lot of your own "hang ups" She will deal with it better than a lot of the adults.

 

[adisneymama]

please explain it without saying he's sleeping. You do not want any issues with your child being afraid to go to sleep.

My DS kindergarten teacher did not go to a funeral until she was in her 20's her parents shielded her from it. She had a difficult time.

Yes I agree with this. My DD was 4 when my grandfather died and it was her first funeral. We explained that Grandpa was with Jesus and his body was here to be buried. My mother told her "look at grandpa sleeping" and we had nightmares for days because she thought she would go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[chris31997]

I am sorry for your loss.

You have had some great comments here. I would take DD to the funneral. Our DD went to one at @4 and had no issues. Around the age of 6 her Grandfather died, it had been decided long ago that they would cremate, so no casket. DD had an issue with that, go figure.

It just might help DD to process that it is all final, than again DD might not even care. I would sit in the back and take my cues from DD.

 

[WantToGoNow]

The first open casket my dd8 went to was 2 years ago at 6. She had seen the person a few times but definitely wasn't close. She was very curious. She wanted to go up to the casket and touch her. She was asking all kinds of questions concerning the body/soul. There were several younger children there - they were just kind of not paying attention to the casket at all.

The last funeral she had been to she was 2 and ds was 5 and it was their grandmother. It was a closed casket but my ds5 was very curious at the cemetary and wanted to see down in the ground - the funeral director took him up there and let him look.

 

[jillianjigs7]

I work for my grandfather, who owns a funeral home. I see a lot of families torn in this situation. If we are having the funeral at the funeral home, we have a room where we will let little ones color and play quiet games - this way they are there, but aren't really around the sadness.

When at a Church, it can be a little harder. Some do not have places for little ones to go so they normally have to sit through the mass - and see people upset.

With all of my experience, growing up in the business since birth - I'm not too sure I would take my 2.5 year old to a funeral just yet. I know they don't understand things yet - but I just personally wouldn't want her to see me upset or anyone in my family upset, because that affects her.

To each his own.

 

[paul_toria96]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My father died when my DD was 3 and DS 11months. They both went to the funeral and we explained that they Grandpa was now with Jesus and he was a star in the sky, we named a star after him, they have since been to 2 more funerals (MIL & great G) and have coped with it very well, it is all down to personal choice.

I can say that they both cope with death better than I do as I didn't go to a funeral until I was in my teens

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it's the perfect age. My grandmother died when my middle child was 3. We had prepped all of the kids about what happens when someone dies (she was in her 90's - wasn't a big surprise). My dd liked to touch her face here and there, but knew it was just her body that she left behind. I grew up Irish Catholic, lots of open casket wakes, and kids were always included. Therefore, I don't remember it ever being weird or uncomfortable, and even now, seem to lack a little sense of closure with closed caskets.

My kids have only attended a few wakes (not as many older relatives), and have not even blinked. It's just a fact of life.

 

[mjkacmom]

I know they don't understand things yet - but I just personally wouldn't want her to see me upset or anyone in my family upset, because that affects her.

To each his own.

Yes they do, and I think it's healthy letting kids know that grown ups get sad, too, and that's okay. We told our kids that of course it's okay to be sad when a loved one dies, because we miss them, but we should also be happy for them, because they are with God. Especially when the deceased is old, we explain how the body gets tired, and our loved one is now in peace, and not in pain anymore.

 

[Miranda Danda]

I went to my first open casket right before I turned two. I vividly remember it and I remember my Nanny holding me and explaining that so and so really wasn't in the casket, that she was in heaven. I remember thinking the body was a mannequin. I remember everything about the room, the floral arrangements, and a framed picture of the deceased while she was alive. My parents are still stunned that I remembered it so accurately.

I don't remember having any fear about it, just a little confusion.

I would recommend taking a three year old and using it as a learning/explaining experience.