IRAQIS: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BEER, NOT WEAPONS
Saddam's Republican Guard Release Alternate Interpretation of Powell's Audio Tape
Just minutes after U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell played an audio tape of two members of Iraq's Republican Guard purportedly discussing removing weapons from a truck, the Guard members came forward to say they had been discussing beer, not weapons.
"I could understand why Secretary Powell would be all mad and everything if he thought we were talking about removing weapons from the truck," one of the Guard members said. "But the thing is, we weren't talking about weapons -- we were talking about empties."
According to the Iraqi, he and his friend were coming back to their base after a night of "getting polluted" on a twelve-pack of Old Milwaukee beer, a favorite of the Republican Guard.
"Before we got back to the base, I was like, dude, we better get rid of all of these empties or Saddam is gonna go biological on our asses," the Republican Guard member said.
"After I trashed my empties, my friend is like, 'Dude, I'm worried you have something left,' and I'm like, 'Dude, we evacuated everything,'" the Guard member said. "It was all about beer, man."
While the United States was openly skeptical of the Guards' account, the Iraqis' version of events drew strong praise from the President of France, Jacques Chirac, who called their story "courageous and charming."
In Paris, protesters poured into the Champs d'Elysee to hail "Les Iraqi Beer Dudes" as international heroes.
Secretary Powell had no official comment, but a spokesman for Mr. Powell said that the Secretary of State was planning to spend the evening alone, hitting his head against a wall.
****Borowitz Report*****
Saddam's Republican Guard Release Alternate Interpretation of Powell's Audio Tape
Just minutes after U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell played an audio tape of two members of Iraq's Republican Guard purportedly discussing removing weapons from a truck, the Guard members came forward to say they had been discussing beer, not weapons.
"I could understand why Secretary Powell would be all mad and everything if he thought we were talking about removing weapons from the truck," one of the Guard members said. "But the thing is, we weren't talking about weapons -- we were talking about empties."
According to the Iraqi, he and his friend were coming back to their base after a night of "getting polluted" on a twelve-pack of Old Milwaukee beer, a favorite of the Republican Guard.
"Before we got back to the base, I was like, dude, we better get rid of all of these empties or Saddam is gonna go biological on our asses," the Republican Guard member said.
"After I trashed my empties, my friend is like, 'Dude, I'm worried you have something left,' and I'm like, 'Dude, we evacuated everything,'" the Guard member said. "It was all about beer, man."
While the United States was openly skeptical of the Guards' account, the Iraqis' version of events drew strong praise from the President of France, Jacques Chirac, who called their story "courageous and charming."
In Paris, protesters poured into the Champs d'Elysee to hail "Les Iraqi Beer Dudes" as international heroes.
Secretary Powell had no official comment, but a spokesman for Mr. Powell said that the Secretary of State was planning to spend the evening alone, hitting his head against a wall.
****Borowitz Report*****
