Inviting yourself to a wedding rude?

[cadburysmom]

The way I was raised, it is considered very rude and inconsiderate to invite oneself to a wedding, no matter how close you might be the bride or groom. This makes perfect sense to me as a wedding is a private matter and I believe it is up to the couple in question to invite whomever they want.

Apparently others believe inviting themselves to a wedding is perfectly acceptable, and is in no way putting the couple in the awkward situation of having to invite someone simply because they asked to come. There are a lot of very nice people out there who would find it hard to say no to such pushiness.

So please let me know if you think this is rude or perfectly acceptable.

 

[LoraJ]

Do you mean the wedding as in ceremony or the reception?

a co-worker of mine got married last year. My friend and I weren't invited to the wedding and didn't expect to. My friend was very interested in seeing her dress in action and asked if she and I could go to co-workers ceremony. She was more than happy to have us there. The week of her wedding, some people bailed out on teh reception last minute and the co-worker asked if we wanted to go since we actually seemed interested in her special day. (we weren't able to go to the reception though due to other plans )

I think once, when I was younger I had hinted to someone about being invited to their wedding because if it wasn't for me they wouldn't be together.

But inviting yourself to a reception can really put a burden on the couple. It is so expensive these days.

 

[Hagred]

Weddings, if held in a church or on public grounds, are public ceremonies. You may very well have strangers come in off the street for your wedding if it's in a public church. Therefore, I don't think it's rude for someone to ask to be invited to the wedding (or even to just show up). Didn't weddings used to be a ceremony to demonstrate to people in your community that you're getting married and will now be a part of a whole instead of a single?

The reception, however, is a different story. Now we're talking entertainment that's been paid for. A private party, if you will. I would consider it rude for someone to just walk uninvited into my private party, wedding or not.

I can't vote because my choice isn't there so I gave another answer here.

 

[Beth76]

Well you didn't give a lot of details. ARe you talking about the ceremony or the reception. My mom told me once that if a wedding is in a church, it is considered open to the public. My mom and I went to a wedding that my sister was in (we weren't invited) so my mom could get ideas for my sister's wedding. We, of course, didn't go to the reception.

To "invite yourself" to a reception is definitely tacky. Our wedding/reception was small and our guest count was limited due to the size of the place. One of DHs aunt replied back that 3 people were attending. We had only invited 2. So we called MIL and she said she told the aunt that they could bring their (adult) daughter (whom we've never met) to our wedding. Well MIL was not the host of the wedding and didn't even ask if it was OK with us.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to agree that inviting yourself to a wedding (wanting to see the ceremony in a public church) is acceptable.

Now inviting yourself to the reception is rude since that is $$$ and you have to have a budget.

 

[swilphil]

I think it is totally unacceptable to invite yourself to a wedding under any circumstances. The bride may have very good reasons for not inviting you. There may be a limited area available for seating. There could be a situation with co-workers where if you were invited EVERYONE at the workplace would have to be invited. Perhaps they want the bride and groom to have an equal number of guests. The list goes on and on.

If you want to see what the bride looks like or to get ideas for another wedding, ask to see her pictures. Why on earth would anyone want to attend a special occassion where your presence isn't wanted by those hosting it?

 

[Beth76]

Originally posted by swilphil
If you want to see what the bride looks like or to get ideas for another wedding, ask to see her pictures. Why on earth would anyone want to attend a special occassion where your presence isn't wanted by those hosting it?

Well, in our case, we knew the bride, but not well enough for us to be invited to the wedding or reception. As stated, a church ceremony is open to the public. There was plenty of room for us in the church and bride did not mind a bit.

 

[cadburysmom]

Originally posted by swilphil
I think it is totally unacceptable to invite yourself to a wedding under any circumstances. The bride may have very good reasons for not inviting you. There may be a limited area available for seating. There could be a situation with co-workers where if you were invited EVERYONE at the workplace would have to be invited. Perhaps they want the bride and groom to have an equal number of guests. The list goes on and on.

If you want to see what the bride looks like or to get ideas for another wedding, ask to see her pictures. Why on earth would anyone want to attend a special occassion where your presence isn't wanted by those hosting it?

Thank you and very well put...I could not agree more!

 

[nativetxn]

I would never do such a thing. If I was wanted at the wedding I would have been invited.

 

[cadburysmom]

Originally posted by Beth76
Well, in our case, we knew the bride, but not well enough for us to be invited to the wedding or reception. As stated, a church ceremony is open to the public. There was plenty of room for us in the church and bride did not mind a bit.

Sounds hypocritical to go where you know you were not invited. And about the bride not minding a bit, did you really expect her to stop the ceremony and ask those not invited to leave? Think of the awkward situation you must have put her in. Of course she said she didn't mind a bit, sounds like she's a very gracious person and doesn't want to hurt the feelings of others, no matter how rude it was to barge in uninvited.

 

[cadburysmom]

Originally posted by Beth76
Well you didn't give a lot of details. ARe you talking about the ceremony or the reception. My mom told me once that if a wedding is in a church, it is considered open to the public. My mom and I went to a wedding that my sister was in (we weren't invited) so my mom could get ideas for my sister's wedding. We, of course, didn't go to the reception.

To "invite yourself" to a reception is definitely tacky. Our wedding/reception was small and our guest count was limited due to the size of the place. One of DHs aunt replied back that 3 people were attending. We had only invited 2. So we called MIL and she said she told the aunt that they could bring their (adult) daughter (whom we've never met) to our wedding. Well MIL was not the host of the wedding and didn't even ask if it was OK with us.

Whether it be the wedding or reception, it doesn't matter. If you know you're not invited, you shouldn't be there. It's just a simple case of consideration for the wedding couple. If they had wanted you there, they would have invited you.

 

[LoraJ]

Well, as I told you, in my case (which by the way I wasn't the one who did the inviting), the bride was THRILLED. I felt weird about it when my friend said she was going to ask, but it all turned out just fine. We also gave the bride a gift.

I think it all depends on the parties involved.

When I get married, I am thinking of going to Vegas or a beach somewhere, and inviting EVERYONE from work, all my relatives etc. And if anyone else wants to invite themselves, fine. Because anyone who wants to be a part of my special day is welcome. But that's just the ceremony. I probably won't have a reception.

Edit:
I should also add that my friend who asked if we could go to the ceremony is quite a character. The co-worker and her had many discussions during the wedding planning period for ideas, and she talked at length about the co-workers dress decision process and halped her out with ideas etc. So since she was a part of the process, she just wanted to see the results for herself. Pictures don't always do justice.

I actually find it sad that so many people these days seem to skip out on the wedding ceremony all together and only go to the reception.

 

[Tinkbell]

C0-workers do this all the time. Whenever someone gets engaged, there's this group that always says, "You're inviting me to the Wedding. Right?". They're serious too. Last year, this poor woman was in tears to me wondering how to "uninvite" them. It's very rude and obnoxious to invite yourself ANYWHERE.

 

[Beth76]

Originally posted by cadburysmom
Sounds hypocritical to go where you know you were not invited. And about the bride not minding a bit, did you really expect her to stop the ceremony and ask those not invited to leave? Think of the awkward situation you must have put her in. Of course she said she didn't mind a bit, sounds like she's a very gracious person and doesn't want to hurt the feelings of others, no matter how rude it was to barge in uninvited.

Generally people invite the guests to the ceremony AND the reception. To invite to the wedding, but not the reception would be rude. There was no reason for us to be at the reception and we didn't want to go. We (well my mom) just wanted to see the ceremony which was opened to the public as it was in a church. It was a giant church that was not going to be fiiled.

We asked the bride if it woild be OK with her, she said yes. She didn't have to pay any more money, she didn't have to bend over backwards to accommodate us AND she received a gift for it. Just by "allowing" two other people into the church. We did not "barge" in, we did not cause a scene, we just attended a public wedding ceremony in a public church. That's far diiferent than inviting oneself to a private reception.

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by Hagred
Weddings, if held in a church or on public grounds, are public ceremonies.

Yes, they are...but none the less....rude to intrude!

Originally posted by Cadburysmom
Whether it be the wedding or reception, it doesn't matter. If you know you're not invited, you shouldn't be there. It's just a simple case of consideration for the wedding couple. If they had wanted .

I totally agree.

The feeling of seeing someone whom you didn't invite AT the wedding would make me feel bad about not inviting them to the reception! The wedding is the day for the two getting married, it should be respected as such. Anyone who would selfishly invite themselves has self centered, character issues.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

No. I would never invite myself to a wedding, or any other celebration that the host(s) did not invite me to.

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by LoraJ
Well, as I told you, in my case (which by the way I wasn't the one who did the inviting), the bride was THRILLED. I felt weird about it when my friend said she was going to ask, but it all turned out just fine. We also gave the bride a gift.

Your friend should have been an actress, because she obviously puts on a good show. Glad she got a good gift, I would hope someone would give me a nice gift if they came uninvited. I would have felt so WIERD about it all, I wouldn't have gone.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

That's true about weddings being public. When DH and I got married, there is one picture of us coming out of the church and among the relatives and friends is a small ragamuffin child, barefoot in shorts and a tank top--don't know where the heck she came from or who she was.
My best friend from HS (we graduated in 1981) didn't get married until 2002. He and I kept in touch and I knew from EMail when he was asking her to marry him, etc. Well, I was not invited to the wedding. Although he came to mine (in 86) I was hurt because I thought we were better friends than that. I did find out later from my other friend's BIL (who played music at the wedding) that it seemed like 80% of the church was for the Bride--after all, she was 36, he was 39, first wedding, she took over. Every time I see him in person (he is the director for school plays in the town we live in) she hovers around like she expects me to make a play for him after all this time. NOT! So I figure it was either no room for his friends, or no room for his FEMALE friends. Either way I got over it and he's very cordial and friendly when I see him. There was no way I would force myself into that wedding where there was no room for me.
Robin M.

 

[Lewski709]

Robin..........you ROCK!

 

[LoraJ]

Originally posted by Lewski709
Your friend should have been an actress, because she obviously puts on a good show. Glad she got a good gift, I would hope someone would give me a nice gift if they came uninvited. I would have felt so WIERD about it all, I wouldn't have gone.

No, she didn't put on a good show. She was very happy that we were there. And when she had to pay for people's meals at the reception who bailed the last week, she wanted us there to enjoy it. But liek I said, we didn't go to that.

If you guys have a problem with it. Fine, have a problem. But you don't know this person so you can't assume to know how she felt.

And you are also making it sound like we crashed the wedding, when we did not.