Inviting people to stuff....my pet peeves....

[WDSearcher]

I have to disagree with the need to provide for the gluten-free eater. You didn't invite them, they show up, they eat what you have or they don't eat. You are not obliged to go beyond what you have planned.

Well no ... you're no obliged. But on a holiday like Thanksgiving when the basic theme is celebration and welcoming, gosh ... it would be nice.

It's not like gluten-free is hard. There are probably several things already on the menu that are gluten-free already. No one is advocating that an entire separate meal be cooked. The person in question is the guest of someone who RSVP'd. If the hostess doesn't want the gluten-free guest there, then she should have said that when the friend who invited her RSVP'd. If you accept the RSVP then yes, you should have something there that the person can eat.

 

[Kat77]

That touches on my pet peeve. When I am so excited to take a bubble bath and one of my daughters has used up all of my bubbles!

I hear that!
Or when you reach for your secret stash of chocolate and it's missing!

BTW, I just found a cupcake hidden in my kitchen. It came from a batch that was made and delivered yesterday for teacher appriciation. I have a good guess which kid hid it... I should probably eat it because the thievery involved .

 

[Kat77]

Well no ... you're no obliged. But on a holiday like Thanksgiving when the basic theme is celebration and welcoming, gosh ... it would be nice.

It's not like gluten-free is hard. There are probably several things already on the menu that are gluten-free already. No one is advocating that an entire separate meal be cooked. The person in question is the guest of someone who RSVP'd. If the hostess doesn't want the gluten-free guest there, then she should have said that when the friend who invited her RSVP'd. If you accept the RSVP then yes, you should have something there that the person can eat.

Avoiding Gluten is much harder than you realize. It is used as a binding agent in all sorts of things like mayo and ketchup.

 

[WDSearcher]

WTH? I didn't think the person who was venting was rude at all. First off she was "venting" not looking for your judgement of her character. We're all allowed to be cranky now and then. That's what venting is about. Blowing off steam.

I would be just as irritated in the venter's situation. Sometimes no matter how many times you "grow a backbone" or put your foot down, people just will not a commit a number to you. OBVIOUSLY the venter will eventually decide on a number of her own or do a buffet if she has too. I highly doubt she is an doofus who will cook nothing at all and sit around baffled with no food to serve simply because she doesn't have a specific number to cook for. Sheesh! She's not incompetant.

Never said that. She vented, I responded. She doesn't have to heed what I say or even read what I say. But if you decide to spout off on a bulletin board, you're going to get responses. I expect the venter knew that too.

If someone told me at the last minute that some girl I don't even know is coming for Thanksgiving and Oh by the way, she has to eat gluten free, I would react the same of the venter. Like well gee thanks for the late heads up.

First -- venter could have said, "Oh ... I'm sorry, but I can't accommodate any extra people this year."

Second -- If the venter had not yet done the shopping (which her post indicated she had not because she didn't know how many to shop for), then it's not a "late heads up". She found out about the gluten free person before she finalized the shopping list. If she wanted to, it's pretty darn easy to create one gluten-free side dish.

Chances are from her reaction, the venter is not used to cooking gluten free and may not have any clue whatsoever what that includes. I would not cook anything different than whatever I was already cooking. I'd just pass the word along that little miss gluten free needs to bring something with her that she knows she will be able to eat. I'd be willing to wager that no one is mad at gluten free girl. No one believes she is gluten free just so she can put others out.

Except you, maybe. Unless "little miss gluten free" isn't meant to be as snarky as it sounds ...

But, it's also a huge meal and the venter probably already knows what she's going to be making and that won't be changing because one girl that she doesn't even know, has special dietary needs. And I'd also be willing to bet that gluten free girl is used to that at this point in her life. She is probably already planning on bringing something anyway.

I didn't read that anyone told the venter that she had to change anything to accommodate the special dietary needs. The person who RSVP'd simply let the venter know. Venter can choose to make a simple gluten-free something as a lovely gesture, or she can decide not to. It's not like anyone is expecting the entire meal to suddenly be drastically different than planned. But if you were bringing someone to a dinner somewhere and they had dietary restrictions, wouldn't you mention it when you RSVP'd? If for no other reason than so that the person who made the dinner wouldn't feel bad if someone didn't try the special casserole or turned down all the desserts?

Anyhoo I didn't think the venter seemed like some miserable person who should be doomed to a Thanksgiving alone just because she wanted to vent about a lack of common courtesy from others when all she is trying to do is serve them a nice meal for Thanksgiving.

Lighten up and cut her some slack. Geeeez.

But that's the thing. The venter has control over the situation and they're not using it. They're letting everyone else control the day by not simply saying, "Here's the plan, see you there." She's waiting for people to dictate how her Thanksgiving will go. If they don't have the common courtesy to RSVP, then all she has to do is not cook for them. Or she can make a little extra of everything just in case. Or ... she could just make a couple of phone calls and know for sure.

 

[Pugsley]

Thank you to everyone who stood up for me! I must admit that I was a little surprised by WDSearcher's response - I don't know how that post/vent made me such a terrible person. I'm mad at the gluten-free girl I need to cancel the dinner and spend the day alone Really Oh well, I've been around the DIS long enough to know there are just some angry people out there so it doesn't bother me.

For those of you who gave advice - thank you. WDSearcher is right about one thing - I do need to grow a backbone. But it's hard because this is a new family for me and I don't want to disappoint anyone. They never had much of a mother so I think they're a little lacking in manners through no fault of their own. Plus I want to make the holidays nice for them since I don't think their holidays were that great in the past. But I was the baby of my family and never had to cook or host anything and now all of a sudden I'm doing everything by myself for a bunch of people and it is stressful!

With respect to gluten-free girl yes, she is someone who didn't have anywhere else to go and I am happy to have her. But I don't think anyone should expect me to educate myself on her diet, change my menu, and/or buy special food for her. And she most likely doesn't expect that herself -- she may not even know that my step-daughter told me about it. I may make her some green beans with almonds or something since she can't have the casserole (fried onions) and some sweet potato casserole without the topping (there is flour in the pecan topping). But who knows if she even likes those things and/or can eat them anyway. Hopefully she can eat the turkey, cranberry sauce, corn, maybe pumpkin and apple pie without the crust??.. I have no idea what she can and can't eat. I know that if I were in her position I would just eat what I could and/or bring food that I'd be able to eat.

Anyway, I got my number today - 10 people.

 

[bumbershoot]

The #2 thing, I do it too. And I don't mean "in case something else comes along", because my social life right now is miniscule, and the chance of anything, let alone something better, coming up is very very small.

For whatever reason, I just have a problem scheduling myself too far out (other than vacations, it seems). I worry that I've forgotten something, and the chance of DH being gone on a work trip is high nowadays. If it's more than a month out, DS's classes at the Y might be different and that might get in the way. etc etc. But even when I was single and fancy free it was hard to think that far out.

Now...since I've been doing this for a long time, even before I had others dictating my schedule, I know it's something I need to change. Had that hit me in the face pretty hard last weekend. A friend's sister let me know 3 months ago about a big party she was having for her sister and husband's birthdays. I didn't even look at the evite until it was maybe a month out. RSVPd the NIGHT before they needed the RSVPs. Didn't even look into how to get there until the day before, and we got there very late. Late meant 5pm, but it was a drive, a ferry trip, and more of a drive, and the second part was on 2 lane, fast roads in the pitch black that rural coastal WA can be. We didn't plan to stay the night, and so we got to drive back home (2 hours plus an hour wait for the ferry because I didn't look up the info and we got there 5 minutes after the ferry left) starting at 11pm in the even more pitch black.

I *should have* just RSVPd and made plans, instead of letting myself float along thinking it would all work out without my putting any effort into it. They were adamant about NO GIFTS, and I believed them (they have everything they want and need), and then...realized I should have gotten them cards b/c everyone else had.

So I do have to change this. But I do NOT mean that I'm waiting for something else or better to come along...

I will enjoy the event once I'm there but I don't look forward to going, if you know what I mean.

I totally get what you mean.

Um ok. I was answering the question, not really a peave for me.

Sometimes what someone said will strike a chord with someone else, and they'll go off of that, but still talking to someone else.

She might appreciate it. Otherwise, people sometimes suspect you're waiting to see if you get a better offer.

To me, they are the same statement. In fact, to me, the statement *you* came up with is actually *more* potentially offensive.

I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s).

What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

I'm a stepkid. If they are young, then no, they likely do NOT have any idea of how much work it took. I watched my mom working in the kitchen, and still have no real idea of how to prepare for a party. I'll get halfway into party-planning and I'll realize that I'm woefully unprepared. I've been late to two of my OWN parties b/c I had to go out at the last minute to get something. The second time, I stopped giving parties. Anyway, if they've never created a Thanksgiving, they probably do NOT know.

I'd talk to the stepdaughter to get the friend's info to talk to him/her. Gluten free is tricky. I wouldn't know a thing other than "no wheat". And I'm vegetarian sometimes vegan, and we have to avoid all things corn syrup-related. So we are tricky dining folks, but gluten-free? Forget about it, no clue.

Therefore, you need to talk to her. What if she's gluten-free AND vegetarian? No turkey, so then what? And there are different levels of it, it seems, with some people more sensitive than others. etc. So talk to her.

That touches on my pet peeve. When I am so excited to take a bubble bath and one of my daughters has used up all of my bubbles!

Hide your bubbles!

It's not like gluten-free is hard.

Maybe to you. For me...it's mystifying.

 

[smidgy]

So I like to get out there and do stuff. With different people - girlfriends, couples, extended family, DH, kids, whatever. Here are my 2 biggest pet peeves with regards to responses to invitations:

1. Do not act like YOU are doing me a favor by attending. Certainly I will enjoy your company if you chose to come, but mark my words....if you don't want to be there, I do not want you there. When people respond to an invitation with "oh, I don't know, it's so difficult, but I will try to come, I really will, let me see if I can move mountains, I'm sorry, don't be mad at me, etc, etc" I always think "gee wiz, I think I'll survive even if you don't show up"

2. This one makes me insane. If I invite you to something weeks, maybe even months in advance don't reply with "oh that's too far out for me to make plans" because I'm just smarter than that. Planning something that far in advance is the perfect time to make plans because your calendar is actually open. So just go ahead and say "I'll come as long as nothing better comes up in the meantime" because that is exactly what you mean. Every single time.

That's all. Am I the only one irked by this stuff?

I'm going to respond BEFORE reading everyone else's opinions.

second one first: ITA! I hate it when people say, "well, if I don't have any other plans".. um.. I'm just now asking you if you want to MAKE plans. then, if someone else asks you for the same day, your reply would be "so sorry, I have plans on that day".

first one: I do have to somewhat disagree. only becasue of my work schedule. I work weekends. NUMEROUS times there are parties, small get togethers, etc. that I would LOVE to attend, but just can't. but its true.. MAYBE I can get someone else to work for me, or MAYBE I can leave work a bit earlier and stop by, and I really want to, but probably can't. don't revolve the plans around me.. go ahead, and if I can make it, I will.

I'm a waitress and a bartender. so most others have dif. schedules than I . recently, a small group of old girlfriends planned a lunch. on a weekday.. perfect!!! said they were doing it so I could be there, for once. great! 4 of us for sure, a 5th was a maybe.

when I got home from work at 1 AM, hubby left a note ...."sorry Sue called , Karen couldn't make the lunch, so it's cancelled." huh? why couldn't the remaining 3 of us meet anyway? we can't eat and visit without Karen? I had already set my alarm to drive an hour away to meet up with them.

at least I got to sleep in!

point being, some people DO have schedules that make it difficult to get together.. as much as they really want to.

 

[smidgy]

May I vent about the situation that is currently ticking me off? It is one week until Thanksgiving and I have no idea how many people I'll have. I have to do (and buy) EVERYTHING and all they have to do is show up. These are my stepchildren and they are all adults. Actually, they will tell me that THEY are coming, but can't ever seem to tell me who they are bringing with them (I usually end up with at least one boyfriend and usually a few of his family members). Really? You can't decide what you're doing for Thanksgiving a week ahead of time? I guess they have no understanding of little things like needing to know how many people you are buying food for or how many places to set at the table(s). So I have to buy for the maximum. One of them WAS kind enough to tell me she is bringing a friend whom we've never met and, oh by the way, she's on gluten-free diet. What am I supposed to do with that little piece of information?

a regular customer at the restaurant told mesomething similar. she has NO idea, as of last night, if she is having 12 or 30 people for thanksgiving.! sorry, just not right.

I am all for "if someone has no place to be, they are welcome" It was always the same at my family's house. but to not know.. for SOmany, just a week ahead?

as far as special diets. If you KNOW someone is coming who has medical issues (gluten free, diabetic) it's polite to provide some dishes they can enjoy. but, the last minute, for someone you dont' know?
the person in that case who should bring the special dishes is the person bringing the person with the special diet.


many of us have "tried and true" recipies. "family favorites" that it just wouldn't be the holidays without. at the last minute, you can't just"alter" those recipies. and your family wouldn't be happy if you did. guests bringing extra guests should bring extra food if it is needed to fit any special diets.

vegetarians, vegans, raw vegans (have 2 nieces whoe recently became raw vegans.). I don't know. if they came over, I could have a fruit salad and raw veggie tray. but we're pretty much a meat and potato family. but i admit, I would have no idea how to prepare a gluten free dish. adn with working so many hours, no time to figure it out. it's up to the guest bringing the guest to do that.


anyohw.. what about the original post?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

So I like to get out there and do stuff. With different people - girlfriends, couples, extended family, DH, kids, whatever. Here are my 2 biggest pet peeves with regards to responses to invitations:

1. Do not act like YOU are doing me a favor by attending. Certainly I will enjoy your company if you chose to come, but mark my words....if you don't want to be there, I do not want you there. When people respond to an invitation with "oh, I don't know, it's so difficult, but I will try to come, I really will, let me see if I can move mountains, I'm sorry, don't be mad at me, etc, etc" I always think "gee wiz, I think I'll survive even if you don't show up"

2. This one makes me insane. If I invite you to something weeks, maybe even months in advance don't reply with "oh that's too far out for me to make plans" because I'm just smarter than that. Planning something that far in advance is the perfect time to make plans because your calendar is actually open. So just go ahead and say "I'll come as long as nothing better comes up in the meantime" because that is exactly what you mean. Every single time.

That's all. Am I the only one irked by this stuff?

Having been on the receiving end of such an invitation...

In response to number 2, if a guest expresses that they may have difficulty in attending your party even if you give them "months" of notice...don't respond with a snitty "well, that is why I am telling you now, so you can plan". Unless you pay my bills, your early notice doesn't make our money garden grow any faster. I'm giving you a heads up so that when the formal invite goes well, you won't be shocked that the world doesn't revolve around you.

In response to number 1--refer to my post above. Don't pretend it isn't a big deal when you are well known for holding grudges in your family causing folks to move mountains so that they won't feel your wrath.


I had this happen recently, so your post touched a nerve. In the end we ended up going. But it really ticked me off that our issues were not respected. And if you wouldn't be upset if someone could not make it, I would wonder why you invited them in the first place. I don't understand the indifference. If I am not important enough to miss--don't invite me in the first place. I have radar.

I will be honest--we went primarily because we hope that folks will visit us and if we do not make the effort to go south, folks will NOT go North. And that does make me sad. I am happy that we stood up for ourselves and nixed our Thanksgiving plans and stayed home. It just wasn't working for us and we have already gone down twice.

 

[tlbwriter]

To me, they are the same statement. In fact, to me, the statement *you* came up with is actually *more* potentially offensive.

Really? You think "I'm waiting for a better offer" is better than "I plan to come, but something beyond my control may come up?"

 

[Carly_Roach]

What you are supposed to do with that little piece of information -- as a hostess -- is to determine which of the dishes you were already planning on are, indeed, gluten-free. And to let her know when she arrives. Just as (one would hope) you would note which dishes were nut-free if someone coming to the feast happened to be allergic. Gluten-free eating isn't always a choice; many times it's medically necessary. She's likely not choosing to eat gluten-free just to mess up your day. If you don't want to cook anything special for her, don't. She'll be fine.

And does it matter that you don't know her? Maybe she had nowhere else to go on Thanksgiving and so someone invited her along. Isn't that what the holiday is supposed to be about?

Maybe you should cancel the dinner altogether and just spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be fun to be with by then!

Frankly, I'm getting a bit tired of tea-cup people shoving their allergies and special needs down my throat. If you're allergic to strawberries, don't eat the shortcake. If being around peanuts is going to kill you, then it's better that you don't visit our home. And if you are on some special diet for gluten-free this, Celiac's that and Chrone's the other thing, perhaps it's YOU who turn down invitations to other people's houses and spend the day alone. Sounds like you may not be all that fun to be with anyway.

If I had a gluten-free "guest" who was as demanding as you sound to be, then I'd likely make sure that you were not invited to the next event or there would BE no next event. Which would disappoint the majority of my family members who look forward to my events and would, in all likelihood, gang up on the person who invited this mystery "guest" last time and threaten bodily harm to be sure that the "guest" was not invited this time.

That's how we roll.

People come to my house because they know my cooking and they look forward to special dishes and the warm, friendly atmosphere that exists here the entire time they are here. I already know that DH's Aunt Milly doesn't like traditional pumpkin or apple pies so I go out of my way to make lemon merangue or other fruit tarts for her when she comes (and take it with you when you leave dear. No one else likes it but I made it special for you because I love you). I know that my brother will make his way through three ginormous helpings of mashed potatos and gravy, so I am sure to double or triple my ingredients and recipe when I know he's coming so there's enough for everyone else.

I'm not going skip a time-honored and anticipated dish in order to offer a specially made dish that no one but the gluten-free person may or may not eat. Furthermore, my top priority is the comfort of my guests, so telling me that I'm a bad host because I'm not bending over backward for one gluten-free stranger that I never knew about until the last minute is a bit insulting.

Thanksgiving is a big deal to a cook. Sometimes we start several days ahead of the date with breads, pies, deserts and other specialities. Once I have the ingredients purchased and the battle plan drawn up, someone throwing a last minute monkey wrench into the works such as a new guest with peanut allergies, a vegan or gluten-free diet will be met with frustration and perhaps a little resentment on my part.

While the OP didn't seem to be as upset as you are portraying her, WDWSearcher, you should make no mistake at my chagrin at your holier-than-thou attitude when it comes to special diets and guest entitlements. A guest is just that: a guest. If I had a guest who was as insistent about their needs as you seem to be, that person would not be welcomed back into our home.

I have to disagree with the need to provide for the gluten-free eater. You didn't invite them, they show up, they eat what you have or they don't eat. You are not obliged to go beyond what you have planned.

Exactly. I might spend some time asking about gluten-free diets and maybe plan something accordingly, especially if it were a family member or close friend of a guest. But I've seen the gluten-free ingredients at the store and they are expensive! Since my grocery bill for regular ingredients would already be adding up, putting ingredients into my cart that will be used once and never again would make me grind my teeth a bit.

Thank you to everyone who stood up for me! I must admit that I was a little surprised by WDSearcher's response - I don't know how that post/vent made me such a terrible person. I'm mad at the gluten-free girl I need to cancel the dinner and spend the day alone Really Oh well, I've been around the DIS long enough to know there are just some angry people out there so it doesn't bother me.

I'm glad you realized that you're not a bad person and can shrug that post off. And don't worry about 10 people. Do everything buffet-style and your party should be fantastic!

 

[PatsGirl]

I love making plans in advance, and like the OP, sometimes construe responses as "I'll come unless something better comes up". Of course, it all depends on the occasion. I'm not going to make basic dinner plans a month in advance but if it's a special occasion or a distance away I might. I think 7-10 days for a dinner out with friends seems reasonable. For a true celebration like a shower or 50th birthday, 4-6 weeks would be okay with me too. As for work and babysitter issues, I commit to those things that are important to me and I try to switch shifts and schedule a sitter

I have a good friend who absolutely refuses to make definite plans until just hours before. We try to get together once a week or every other week for drinks and appetizers and she starts "collecting" everyones schedule the prior week to decide how to put her social calendar together so she is able to fit everyone and everything in. I got sick of it and now I make no plans with her until she puts the effort in to make them and stick with them. I am getting a sense of satisfaction out of this recent turn of events when last week she wanted to know what I was doing on Friday night and I told her I wasn't sure. She called again Thursday and I was non-committal. She emailed Friday morning and then followed up with a call at 4 pm when I decided to meet her that night. I think she was getting nervous that she might get stuck in

 

[manning]

Have an ex=SIL who is great at making commitments and then breaking them.
To this day she doesn't realize how bad she looks. She will come up with excuses that conflict. I once told her that in order to make up an excuse you need a good memory or end up looking a fool.

I use to call her the fool of the family.

When she and BIL broke up her stories were interesting to say the least.

 

[ReneeA]

To me, "I can't plan something so far out" = "I may have to work that night."

I work 12 hour midnight shift as a RN. All of my close family and friends know how erratic my schedule is, and seem fine with my answer. If I had someone get cranky and upset with that answer, then they would just have to do without my company anymore. I certainly can't change the rules of my job for them. Ask me 3 weeks before, and normally I can give you a solid answer. Even that solid answer depends on getting a babysitter.

It would be nice to have a regular 9-5 job that I love as much as mine and that pays as well...just to simplify my life. It's just not going to happen anytime soon from the looks of it.

 

[WDSearcher]

For those of you who gave advice - thank you. WDSearcher is right about one thing - I do need to grow a backbone. But it's hard because this is a new family for me and I don't want to disappoint anyone. They never had much of a mother so I think they're a little lacking in manners through no fault of their own. Plus I want to make the holidays nice for them since I don't think their holidays were that great in the past. But I was the baby of my family and never had to cook or host anything and now all of a sudden I'm doing everything by myself for a bunch of people and it is stressful!

Now see ... if you had mentioned that at the beginning, there would be some context. All any of us have to reply to is the info you give us. Your initial post sounded (to me) as though you were mad at a bunch of people (including gluten-free girl ) and not willing to just take charge. Now, it seems as though you're not mad, you're just really nervous at being host for the first time. Big difference.

With respect to gluten-free girl yes, she is someone who didn't have anywhere else to go and I am happy to have her. But I don't think anyone should expect me to educate myself on her diet, change my menu, and/or buy special food for her. And she most likely doesn't expect that herself -- she may not even know that my step-daughter told me about it. I may make her some green beans with almonds or something since she can't have the casserole (fried onions) and some sweet potato casserole without the topping (there is flour in the pecan topping). But who knows if she even likes those things and/or can eat them anyway. Hopefully she can eat the turkey, cranberry sauce, corn, maybe pumpkin and apple pie without the crust??.. I have no idea what she can and can't eat. I know that if I were in her position I would just eat what I could and/or bring food that I'd be able to eat.

Then again ... I was in the "baking" aisle of my local Target just yesterday and saw mixes for gluten-free cornbread, gluten-free brownies and all sorts of other stuff that would be easy to whip up and add to the feast. The bakery had gluten-free pies, ready-made. And a simple Google search for "gluten-free Thanksgiving" will tell you what can and cannot be eaten. No one IS expecting you to change your menu, but I don't think that there's anything ridiculously difficult about educating yourself about what she can and cannot eat. People spend hours on the DIS and other online boards trading comments about stuff like this when they could have taken the same amount of time (or a fraction of it) finding an answer.

Anyway, I got my number today - 10 people.

Only ten? You'll be fine. Good luck!