Inspired by the "I feel like a bad mom" thread

[andromedaslove]

I am having the same kind of trouble. I have a 4 (almost 5) yr old son, and a 15 month old son. I am a SAHM, who loves her children more than anything, but lately I don't like them much at all. My oldest is just driving me crazy, whining, nagging, constantly pushing as far as he can, his problems I can just attribute to his age, because he CAN be a wonderful child. The baby is the worst though. Ever since he was born we knew he had a bit of an attitude. He is just flat out MEAN, throws horrible temper tantrums, hits his brother. If you tell him NO, this is the face you get.....

Think that is something, you ought to see his "Dirty Looks".

Anyway, my point is that I feel completely overwhelmed. Last night we went to dinner with my in-laws and the kids were acting up quite a bit. So my DH mentioned to my in-laws that maybe they could watch the kids one evening (just for a few hours) and give me a break. They responded by saying that they would take my oldest for the weekend or for a few hours, but not the baby. To me that just doesn't seem right. Believe me, I of all people know how much easier the 4 year old is to handle in comparison with a baby. They don't watch the kids very often anymore now that the baby is here. They used to watch our oldest once every month or two, now they watch them even less. I guess I am the one whining now, but I just don't understand. As we were driving home from dinner last night I just started crying. I just need a break. Is it just me, or does that not seem right to anyone else either?

 

[Aidensmom]

I am sorry, you do need a break. If I didn't have a job to escape too, my son would drive me completely crazy sometimes. I wish I lived closer to you so I could help you out.

 

[Sandy V.]

You poor thing. I think that your DH needs to watch them for a day or an evening so you can get out, or you need to hire a babysitter every once in a while so that the two of you can get out.

You have my sympathy - raising young children is exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Being a SAHM with no break is very overwhelming at times. You need some time for yourself. My DD was a very demanding child and her grandparents would only take her for a few hours every so often. Have you considered a moms day out program? It would really give you a chance to regroup and take some RNR one day a week. For me...a long hot bubble bath uninterupted meant sooo much! To be able to go to the store without having to say no a thousand times or have my child cream bloody murder when I wouldn't let her have something...I tell you with the way things are today, its impossible for a mother to discipline her child without someone threatening to turn you in! I cried a few times myself. It sounds like your DH understands. Maybe the two of you could talk it over a find a resolution for some quiet time. Good luck to you. I've been there.

 

[disneychick05]

So my DH mentioned to my in-laws that maybe they could watch the kids one evening (just for a few hours) and give me a break. They responded by saying that they would take my oldest for the weekend or for a few hours, but not the baby. To me that just doesn't seem right. Believe me, I of all people know how much easier the 4 year old is to handle in comparison with a baby. They don't watch the kids very often anymore now that the baby is here.

I have a 4 y.o. and a 7 month old DS. Although am not having the behavior issues that you are..I felt compelled to reply because my in-laws want nothing to do with my 7 month old. They will not babysit for us. They barely hold DS (7 mo.) and they treat him like an alien. They are always bugging me to pick up DS and take him places because he his easy to deal with. I can't figure out why grandparents wouldn't jump at the chance to be with both kids and babysit for a short time. I personally think it is selfish on their part.
I have been thinking about starting an "in-laws" or "MIL" thread and this may have inspired me!
Hope you get a break soon...hang in there!

 

[roberrl187]

I hear where you are coming from. I was divorced in 1995 and tried to be a sahm, but by 6 mths in to it, I was going crazy. I finally had to get a part time job just to keep my sanity. It will get better. Maybe you can find a sitter once or twice a week during the day to watch the kids so you can do something for yourseld (long soak in the bath, read a book, go out into the fresh air etc..).

As for your in-laws wanting to take only the older child, I know that feeling too. My ex wouldn't take dd (then 2 1/2) only ds (5). It killed me that she would look out the front window and watch him go with their dad and she never went. He told me that his mom wouldn't let dd come over until she was potty trained (this was a total lie, I asked the mom). He did this for the better part of a year.

 

[Chip126]

That picture is absolutely adorable!!!!

Do you have any friends that live close by that might want to take the kids for a couple of hours?

I have a 17 month old and he is just starting to get to the age where I can begin reasoning with him. I remember him at 15 months........he was tough!! I think you are almost over the hump! At least until they become teenagers!!

Keep you chin up! It can be very overwhelming!

 

[mommaU4]

First of all, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Don't beat yourself up over it though. I am a SAHM and there have been days when bedtime could not come fast enough. Seriously, I couldn't wait for them to be out of my sight for that day. If someone wants to call me a bad mom for feeling that way then that's their problem not mine.

I love my kids and let me tell you it takes a GOOD mom to step back and admit that the kids are just more than she can handle right now and to say help, I need a break.

I think it's much worse to try to put a strong facade and smile and then end up hurting your child in a moment of pent up rage or frustration. So don't feel bad that you are acknowledging your very real and very normal feelings.

Now as far as getting the break you so desperately need and deserve, I feel your pain there too. My in-laws would take my oldest and occasionally the two older ones but never the younger two or all four. BUT I don't blame them. Four kids is alot to handle. And depending on their age or circumstances your in-laws my not feel capable of handling the little one even for a short while. You have to respect that. I'm sorry. I know it's tough but it's not their job. Maybe when he gets older they will be willing to take him more.

I know some people who recieve no help from their in-laws when it comes to child care. From what you posted it doesn't sound to me like they are just being mean or difficult. They are still offering to take the 4 yr old. which is a good thing. Now what you need to do is either have your DH watch the baby while you go out for the day and do whatever pleases you. OR find someone else (a friend, co-worker, other relative, or hire a sitter) to watch the baby so you and DH can go out together.

That is what we had to do whenever we went somewhere especially when the twins were little. Divide and conquer. Two would go with my in-laws and two with my mom or my SIL. It was a pain but I understood and we did what we had to do. I think something like that might be what you'll have to do.

I'm sorry if this sounds uncaring in any way. I have been where you are at and many days I still am. Since we moved to MI we have even less help now and there are days when I would sell my soul for DH and I to be able to take a trip alone again. Even just an overnighter.

Hang in there and talk to your in-laws. Now. Today. Don't wait. Call them up and arange for a day when they can take the older one for the whole day. Then work on finding someone for the baby. Go to your church or play group or what ever and get sitter recommendations. Or if all else fails and you can't get out with your DH then have him stay with the baby like I said earlier and go out alone. Give yourself a timeout. Please.

If you ever need to "talk" or vent PM me. I'm serious. I know how hard it is. At one point I was home alone all day with a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old, and two newborns!! I cried daily. There is nothing you have thought or felt that I wouldn't understand and NOT judge you for.

 

[andromedaslove]

I think this is my biggest problem. That my in laws won't take the baby. In all honesty, I think it is just purely selfish. They have talked about taking weekend trips and taking my oldest, but leaving the baby behind. I also think that it makes them feel better to say they'll help. but they don't really want to have to do anything so that's why the won't take the baby. I mean, my 4 year old doesn't need someone to watch over him every second. They don't want to actually have to do the work. I am about to the point that I am just going to hire a sitter to watch the kids a couple nights a month so DH and I can go out. Then I'm gonna tell my in-laws that from now on if they can't include the baby then they can't take my oldest either.

 

[RadioFanatic]

why is it your in-laws responsibility to watch your child? I know it would be nice and I feel very bad for your feelings; however, they don't HAVE to do it and it is their choice.

 

[andromedaslove]

And depending on their age or circumstances your in-laws my not feel capable of handling the little one even for a short while. You have to respect that. I'm sorry. I know it's tough but it's not their job. Maybe when he gets older they will be willing to take him more.

I know some people who recieve no help from their in-laws when it comes to child care. From what you posted it doesn't sound to me like they are just being mean or difficult. They are still offering to take the 4 yr old. which is a good thing. Now what you need to do is either have your DH watch the baby while you go out for the day and do whatever pleases you. OR find someone else (a friend, co-worker, other relative, or hire a sitter) to watch the baby so you and DH can go out together.

I'm sorry if this sounds uncaring in any way. I have been where you are at and many days I still am. Since we moved to MI we have even less help now and there are days when I would sell my soul for DH and I to be able to take a trip alone again. Even just an overnighter.


If you ever need to "talk" or vent PM me. I'm serious. I know how hard it is. At one point I was home alone all day with a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old, and two newborns!! I cried daily. There is nothing you have thought or felt that I wouldn't understand and NOT judge you for.

First, I wanna say thank you. I know that tons of people have had to deal with these same feelings, and don't be mad if I take you up on needing to talk!!

I have a few problems with the way they handle the kids. My oldest is the first grandbaby so has always gotten preferential (sp?) treatment. They have already said they are going to take him to Hawaii, and buy him a new Mustang when he turns 16. They spoil him ROTTEN. They used to keep my oldest all the time when he was a baby. The even kept him for 4 days when he was 10 months old, so DH and I could go to Disney for our Anniversary. Yet they refuse to keep the baby overnight, and don't even wanna keep him for a few hours. They definately have favorites with their two children, my DH and his older Sister, and they still treat her so much better than they do him, which really makes me angry. I have told DH from day one that I will not allow them to do that to our children, but it seems like that is what is happening. They give me excuses about how they can't get ANYTHING done when the kids are there. First off, they have a maid who cleans their house, the only thing they have to do is wash their own laundry, and obviously she can't do that when she is watching the kids. If she thinks that is hard, maybe she should see all the work I have to do and help me out.

Ok, venting again. Sorry!! I just don't get it!!

Dana

 

[andromedaslove]

It isn't their RESPONSIBILITY. I think my frustration has more to do with the fact that they are willing to take one and not the other.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Just to take the othe view point......

Wachting kids can be hard, especially for someone who isn't too good with them or that comfortable with young ones. Children ages 1 to 2 years old can be very difficult for people are don't know them well. They can communicate, but not everyone understand them as well as mom. It might be very stressful for in laws and if they don't feel comfortable doing it, I don't think it is a good idea. They might not take the kind of care of your baby you want.

Also siblings can sometimes do much better apart, just like we need some time away from the ones we love (our kids) they need some times away from each other.

I agree with the let in laws take the 4 year old, and either have DH or someone else wacth the 4 year old. Or if you are unable to do that at leas spend a little one on one with the 15 month old. He might be much better when he gets all of moms undived attention.

I think this is a phase for both kids, and possibliy a reflection of the exasperation and frustration you have been feeling. Taking care of yourself is very important in order to be the best parent you can be. Is there anyway to get to a gym that has child care and exerise while they play? (this helps me, but in the winter it is hard, they are either sick or I don't want them to get sick from being there.)

I need to go take the 4 year old to pre school, so I will finish my thoughts later, but hugs. you are not a bad mommy, just a stressed one in need of support.

 

[Michelle2]

I am almost in the same boat, except we do not have either of our parents live in the same state. But that would bother me too if they did that. We have a DS3 who has had an attitude ever since he was born LOL...reminds me of how you say your son is. He is exactly like Stitch.
It may not be from our parents, but my brothers and sisters can really have an attitude about him sometimes...But the best part is, either their kids are entering the terrible 2's and 3's and being just like him, or they are having another child that is totally different than their first---complete with awnry personality, and big time attitudes!!

Hang in there, they start to grow out of some of it, and although I know it is just the way they are, and that every child has a different personality, they really do start to mature and learn what is and is not acceptable.
But don't beat yourself up, you do need breaks, and kids can drive their parents crazy at times! Everyone goes through it!

 

[Sandy V.]

I think this is my biggest problem. That my in laws won't take the baby. In all honesty, I think it is just purely selfish. They have talked about taking weekend trips and taking my oldest, but leaving the baby behind. I also think that it makes them feel better to say they'll help. but they don't really want to have to do anything so that's why the won't take the baby. I mean, my 4 year old doesn't need someone to watch over him every second. They don't want to actually have to do the work. I am about to the point that I am just going to hire a sitter to watch the kids a couple nights a month so DH and I can go out. Then I'm gonna tell my in-laws that from now on if they can't include the baby then they can't take my oldest either.

How old are your inlaws? What is their health status? Do they have other relatives that they must care for? In all honesty, is your youngest a "handful" for anyone to take care of? Do you have other relationship issues with your inlaws besides this?

Although I understand your frustration, like RadioFanatic said, your inlaws don't HAVE to watch either one of your children. They are making a generous offer, although it's not the offer that you want. But if you take an "all-or-nothing, my-way-or-the-highway" approach, I can't help but think you're setting things up for a big conflict down the road.

It just sounds like to me in your state of understandable frustration and exhausion that you're linking your inlaws' current preference to take the older son as some sort of statement that they like or love him more than your younger son. Without knowing your inlaws, I would venture to guess that nothing is further from the truth. Your inlaws probably know their limitations, and just feel like they couldn't watch both kids effectively very well.

I'm not trying to judge you at all; believe me, I've been there with 2 kids 26 months apart. But I think you can find a solution to this without declaring war on your inlaws to do it.

ETA: Read your post after I posted this. Ahhh, so there ARE some preference issues. Well, then I would rethink what I just wrote and maybe, like you, I would not let them take the older son without his little brother. Amazing to me that some grandparents act like that.

 

[rockin_rep]

Have you considered a moms day out program?

Check out www.mops.com for a group near you. They are AWESOME and you will love it; moms, babies, toddlers and preschoolers all in your area!

I also tell my kids,
"I may not always LIKE what you do, but i will always LOVE you!"

Hang in there as this too, will pass....and waaaay too quickly.

Hugs to you.

 

[andromedaslove]

How old are your inlaws? What is their health status? Do they have other relatives that they must care for? In all honesty, is your youngest a "handful" for anyone to take care of? Do you have other relationship issues with your inlaws besides this?

Although I understand your frustration, like RadioFanatic said, your inlaws don't HAVE to watch either one of your children. They are making a generous offer, although it's not the offer that you want. But if you take an "all-or-nothing, my-way-or-the-highway" approach, I can't help but think you're setting things up for a big conflict down the road.

It just sounds like to me in your state of understandable frustration and exhausion that you're linking your inlaws' current preference to take the older son as some sort of statement that they like or love him more than your younger son. Without knowing your inlaws, I would venture to guess that nothing is further from the truth. Your inlaws probably know their limitations, and just feel like they couldn't watch both kids effectively very well.

I'm not trying to judge you at all; believe me, I've been there with 2 kids 26 months apart. But I think you can find a solution to this without declaring war on your inlaws to do it.

Well, how do I put this without coming across as really mean. My FIL refuses to help with the baby whatsoever. He didn't help with his own and will not help with mine. My MIL has led a very sedentary life, and she is quite overweight. I guess sometimes I have a hard time seeing that as a reason to not want to chase around the kids, but I guess it is a legitimate one. The reason I have a hard time seeing it that way is because my Mom was VERY overweight, but she was never sedentary. Even though she was big she was physically fit enough to handle them, and loved doing so. Unfortunately, she is no longer able to watch the kids in her home.

My son is a handful for anyone to take care of. Especially for them, because they won't enforce the same rules that we do. At night I put the baby in bed, and he cries until I shut the door and walk out of the room. After that he goes straight to sleep. She however will not let him cry even for a minute. Which makes it harder on her to keep him, as we all know even a baby will take advantage of a situation if it benefits them.

The only real relationship issue I have with my inlaws is their favoritism with their own kids. I guess I fear that same attitude being taken with mine, and I don't ever wanna see that happen. KWIM.

You and the pp are correct. It is not their responsibility at all, and I should be more respectful of their decisions. I guess I just get so frustrated because I have always done everything I can to help people including them, and just get frustrated that they can see how much stress I am under and only want to help if it suits them.

 

[minkydog]

How old are your inlaws? What is their health status? Do they have other relatives that they must care for? In all honesty, is your youngest a "handful" for anyone to take care of? Do you have other relationship issues with your inlaws besides this?

Although I understand your frustration, like RadioFanatic said, your inlaws don't HAVE to watch either one of your children. They are making a generous offer, although it's not the offer that you want. But if you take an "all-or-nothing, my-way-or-the-highway" approach, I can't help but think you're setting things up for a big conflict down the road.

It just sounds like to me in your state of understandable frustration and exhausion that you're linking your inlaws' current preference to take the older son as some sort of statement that they like or love him more than your younger son. Without knowing your inlaws, I would venture to guess that nothing is further from the truth. Your inlaws probably know their limitations, and just feel like they couldn't watch both kids effectively very well.

I'm not trying to judge you at all; believe me, I've been there with 2 kids 26 months apart. But I think you can find a solution to this without declaring war on your inlaws to do it.

I agree. It sounds like you really just need a break and that is you & your DH 's responsibility to work out. Being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs in the world. You cannot pay someone else to do what a SAHM does on a 24/7 basis; they won't do it. It's like working in a daycare with housekeeping, therapy, culinary demands, XXX, and on-call hours kicked in--volunteer-only, no pay. I can attest to the battle fatigue incurred by anyone taking care of a 15 months old. The attitude alone in enough to burn you out!(cute picture, btw)

In the past SAHmoms didn't just stay at home--my MIL had a full-time housekeeper who watched over DH so MIL could play bridge and go shopping with friends. My own mom had a "cleaning girl" who ironed and watched the kids one afternoon a week. We were sent to every Vacation Bible School in town in the summer, plus 2wks with her sister. Lots of kids when to "nursery school" which was a glorified babysitting service back then(not education oriented.) They didnt just "stay home" contrary to popular believe, and we didn't grow up to be dysfunctional morons because our mothers insisted on having a life. They were good mothers, just like you.

I don't know the situation with the in-laws, but it's not their duty to bail you out--nice, but not their job. They already did theirs. I wouldn't start issuing ultimatums unless you want to start WW III. This too will pass, but the memory of how you bullied them into taking the baby will not. I'm guessing(since I'm probably closer to their age than to yours) that they are overwhelmed by the demands of the baby and a little scared. Plus, they may have some health/stamina issues.

I would start by looking into a Parents morning out program 2 days a week. If you do nothing but go to the grocery store by yourself or drink coffee and watch a cheesy movie, it'll be 3hrs kid-free. If you have a friend who can help you out, maybe you can trade some hours--you keep hers on Thursdays, she keeps yours on Fridays? You've gotta find a way to carve out a segment of hours during the week that are yours to spend or waste freely.

This is a short but intense period in your life. It will soon pass and the kids will be in high school and middle school, and you will reminisce about how great it was. Believe me, in the blink of an eye...

 

[mommaU4]

First, I wanna say thank you. I know that tons of people have had to deal with these same feelings, and don't be mad if I take you up on needing to talk!!

I have a few problems with the way they handle the kids. My oldest is the first grandbaby so has always gotten preferential (sp?) treatment. They have already said they are going to take him to Hawaii, and buy him a new Mustang when he turns 16. They spoil him ROTTEN. They used to keep my oldest all the time when he was a baby. The even kept him for 4 days when he was 10 months old, so DH and I could go to Disney for our Anniversary. Yet they refuse to keep the baby overnight, and don't even wanna keep him for a few hours. They definately have favorites with their two children, my DH and his older Sister, and they still treat her so much better than they do him, which really makes me angry. I have told DH from day one that I will not allow them to do that to our children, but it seems like that is what is happening. They give me excuses about how they can't get ANYTHING done when the kids are there. First off, they have a maid who cleans their house, the only thing they have to do is wash their own laundry, and obviously she can't do that when she is watching the kids. If she thinks that is hard, maybe she should see all the work I have to do and help me out.

Ok, venting again. Sorry!! I just don't get it!!

Dana

Okay, let's take a deep breath. It will be fine. I promise you.

Now, let's think about this rationally for a minute. First off, I think it's good that you realize it's not their responsibility. There are grandparents who never care for their grandkids. They feel they raised their kids and their work is done and they've earned the right to relax. That's okay. It may not seem very nice to some people, but it doesn't make someone a monster either. If they want to sit around and sip mint juleps all day long no one can fault them for that. Unfortunately.

However, they do NOT seem to be that way as they obviously love and dote over your oldest. That's great. It sounds like they were really there for you when you needed it with the first one. Never forget that. It's worth something.

Now for some reason they are not as eager to take the second. So what needs to happen is you need to find out why. Perhaps to take them both at the same time is just too much for them. Or maybe while the baby is so young he is too much even by himself if he is as much of a handful as you say. Doesn't mean they don't love him. If that is the case you have no other choice but to respect that and find another sitter to help out.

Now about the favoritism. As far as the issues your DH and his sister went through, I would not touch that with a ten foot pole. Seriously, that is between all of them. If you get invovled nothing good will come of that and you'll put your DH in the middle. Speaking of which, be careful when talking to your DH about his parents. You may be ready to strangle them and at the time he may agree with you, but in the end those are his parents and the last thing you want is to force him to choose sides. Not that that's the case just a little word of advice.

I think you need to ask your in-laws why they have a hard time taking the baby. BTW, at 15 months old the baby is blissfully unaware of any of this so far so don't worry about his psyche yet.

Did the thought ever occur to you that perhaps they are afraid of liking the new baby too much? You said your other kid was the first grandbaby. That's pretty big in some families and for some their first grandchild will always hold a more special place in their heart. He was as you say "spoiled rotten" so they must love him very much. Perhaps they are afraid of liking the new baby more? I know some moms who when they are pregnant with the second child wonder the same thing; what if I love the new baby more? Perhaps they will feel they are somehow betraying your other son.

The thing is you can sit around and wonder and play the "maybe" game until the cows come home but you'll never know for sure until you talk to them directly. But wait until you are a little calmer and try not to sound accusatory.

My in-laws had a hard time warming up to my second. First off, she was a girl and my FIL never wanted to hold her because he was old school and felt girls are more fragile. And even after awhile although they spent alot of time with all my kids, I think deep down my oldest will always be their favorite. They just had longer to bond with him I guess. Who knows? I don't care as long as it isn't obvious to any of them and they have always made it a point to treat them all as fair as possible. But he's usually the one they think of first. For example when they used to go out shopping they would buy something for him and THEN realize they had to buy for everyone. Hey at least they realized it!

Good luck. Chin up. Try talking to them.

 

[mommaU4]

Well, how do I put this without coming across as really mean. My FIL refuses to help with the baby whatsoever. He didn't help with his own and will not help with mine. My MIL has led a very sedentary life, and she is quite overweight. I guess sometimes I have a hard time seeing that as a reason to not want to chase around the kids, but I guess it is a legitimate one. The reason I have a hard time seeing it that way is because my Mom was VERY overweight, but she was never sedentary. Even though she was big she was physically fit enough to handle them, and loved doing so. Unfortunately, she is no longer able to watch the kids in her home.

My son is a handful for anyone to take care of. Especially for them, because they won't enforce the same rules that we do. At night I put the baby in bed, and he cries until I shut the door and walk out of the room. After that he goes straight to sleep. She however will not let him cry even for a minute. Which makes it harder on her to keep him, as we all know even a baby will take advantage of a situation if it benefits them.

The only real relationship issue I have with my inlaws is their favoritism with their own kids. I guess I fear that same attitude being taken with mine, and I don't ever wanna see that happen. KWIM.

You and the pp are correct. It is not their responsibility at all, and I should be more respectful of their decisions. I guess I just get so frustrated because I have always done everything I can to help people including them, and just get frustrated that they can see how much stress I am under and only want to help if it suits them.

Your FIL might just be old school. That's how my FIL is. I don't think the man ever changed a disper in his life! And when my DD was born I remember him carrying her into the kitchen once and showing her around saying "See all this. This is where you'll be one day. Cooking and cleaning just like your grandma." I was like "What!?" But I let it go because coming from him it was not a put down. I knew what he meant. That's just the way it was for him and also his culture. No big deal.

And as far as your MIL being overweight and not active, everyone is different. And we all have different energy levels. And as far as her making it tougher on herself, again that's where the key is communication. Tell her what works for you and suggest she try it.

You sound like a good person/mom and the fact that you've always done alot for others makes me think that someday your grandkids will be very lucky to have you, and so will your future DIL!!!