Inspired by Fun Questions: Steven Wright

[Virgo10]

One of the questions in that thread was who is your favorite comedian. I put down Steven Wright. Well I just looked up some of his famous quotes and here's a list. You probably won't want to have anything in your mouth while you're reading this.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

 

[mickeymousemom]

I LOVE Steven Wright! Dh and I always try to remember his lines and the only one I can ever remember is the powdered water one..thanks for giving me a laugh!

 

[bananiem]

My favorite was "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I grew up on a one-way, dead end street. I don't know how I got there.



Steven Wright is a classic! But, you really need his depressing monotone to truly appreciate his one-liners!

 

[SherryNC]

He is hilarious, but some of those make me have to think.

 

[diznygirl]

I've always liked "Every now and then I like to stop and smile for the satellite photos."

LOL!

 

[TDC Nala]

the one that stuck with me:

"When I was a kid I stayed up all night hiding in a tree with a bucket of water because I heard Smokey Bear say 'Only YOU can prevent forest fires.'"

 

[SplshMtn99]

An oldy. "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."

Loved him since first saw him on Johnny Carson decades ago. My dad & I were laughing hysterically saying "who is this guy?". Later, saw him live in the late 80's with DH.

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Back in the late 80's my best friend bought tickets for us to see Steven Wright on my birthday. We lived in St. Pete, FL and saw him at Ruth Eckerd Hall. He was HILARIOUS!

My favorite one is "You know when you're leaning back in a chair, and you almost fall over backwards, but you catch yourself? You know that feeling? I feel like that all the time."

 

[Sparx]

 

[Nancy]

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving


I have to do this, it would be hysterical.



Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

This one just cracked me up!

 

[GoodFairies]

I love this type of humor.

Did you guys like/hear Mitch Hedberg? He had a similar comedic style, and I thought he was hilarious.

Some of my favorites from Mitch:

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

 

[2BigKIdz]

One of our favorites is the late, great Mitch Hedberg. Here's some of his stuff:

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall!"

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I bought a cake.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away."

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.