Inlaws found new way to hurt me...

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
RUDisney

Olde Cape Cod Poppy Seed Dressing.

It adds a sweetness to the salad. I also love fruit in my salads... mandarine oranges, strawberries, blueberries, black berries, pears, apples, etc. I balance the sweetness of the fruit and dressing with crumbled bleu or feta cheese and some seasoned almond slivers.

My friends tell my DH that he's the luckiest man alive because of my salads.

I used to make these salads prior to Atkins. I still put the berries in mine, as they are allowable. My friends have said the same thing about my DH because of these salads. My SIL (my brother's wife) taught me how to do these types.

The dressing was a raspberry vinegrette... Olde Cape Cod.

 

[AirForceRocks]

The kids whined throughout the night about being hungry, but I guess that the bread served as their meals that night.

They couldn't have been all that hungry or they would have eaten what was available. As for the whining, sorry, but I wouldn't have put up with that. There was food there they could have eaten, they just didn't want to. Eat, don't eat, it doesn't matter to me. But if they choose not to eat, I'm not going to listen to them whine about it all night.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I really thinks that he goes out of his way to NOT notice anything that they do, or anything that goes on around him when we are in that house.

Well in his defense, somebody would probably have to explain to me how the presence of a Heavenly Ham could possibly be construed as an attempt to "hurt" somebody also.

 

[gina2000]

I think it's time to take the first step towards making the relationship a productive one....or time to cut the noose. And that's your choice.

These are the little things in life that build up and cause animosity and hurt. They can be fixed if you want them to be. Take the time to make yourself comfortable when you visit. If that means bringing something to eat, drink or occupy yourself with, by all means do so. Start small and find a friend in the family, someone you look for when you walk in the door. It will make you more comfortable and less likely to care about the slights that occur in any large family gathering. If you need to bring a bit of food...bring something you will eat....this way it won't be wasted and you won't go hungry. It will go a long way to ease your comfort level.

If none of these ideas (or similar ones) are to your liking, it's time to think about cutting the noose. And, again, if you choose to do so, it could be for a short period of time....not a lifetime. Take the time to think about what makes you happy in the relationship and try to do your part to ensure that it could happen. Not everyone is going to respond so it may be a lost cause. Only you can decide.

As far as asking for a special menu at a wedding my BIL and SIL (groom and bride) made sure the children were fed something they loved - and it was buttered noodles. They shared their special day with these children and wanted to make the day special for them. I realize not all families think this way, but ours does and for this I am thankful. We have one child in the family who is allergic to corn products and the family tried to ensure that he was well fed, happy and enjoyed himself.

Life is not always easy. Sometimes it's not worth it but if you try hard enough, you'll usually find the rainbow. If you're lucky, you'll also find that pot of gold.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Unfortunately, the kids were not the only ones 'whining'???? (I didn't have a seat.... they didn't serve food that I prefer to eat... etc..) It is simply NOT their responsibility to take care of you and your children! The wedding was a catered event... with a pre-arranged menu... PERIOD... A caterer is NOT a restaurant with a varied menu!!! (Same goes for the Easter Dinner) You are setting yourself up to be 'hurt' if you are expecting everyone to cater to your particular requirements in situations like this!!! That is just not right.

I had a similar example with my own sister a couple Easter's ago... She called us up and organized what my Husband (who had answered the phone) called a 'Pot Luck' Easter picnic at a nice park. So, since DH had recieved a ham as a gift from a client at work... We brought the Easter ham. Fullly expecting there to be other dishes to share. Well, my sister happens to be a vegetarian. She proceeded to say "EWWWW!!! I don't want that ham on this table!" Like, get rid of it, take it over there.... and proceeded to set her own family up at the main table with all of the prissy (and I DO mean 'prissy') little vegetarian foods that she had prepared just for her family!!!! Could you imagine!!!! We took the Ham over to another picnic table... And sat there with our hungry child, and nothing else BUT ham to eat! She had forcefully excuded us due to HER preferences!!! I was completely LIVID!!!

However, if I were to go to her house for a meal... NO WAY would I EVER expect her to serve the meats, side dishes, beverages that I might prefer. THAT would be rude! When it is someones house, or wedding, etc... It is THEIR house or wedding. Could you imagine if 20 - 30 other wedding guest expected to put in an order and to tell the brides caterer what THEY wanted!!!

I am SO VERY SORRY for your situation RUDisney!!! As I had said, I have a VERY similar situation with my DH's family!!!! I TOTALLY understand!!!!

However, as many here have noticed... developing a whiney, and demanding attitude is not the way to resolve the problem!

I know that you probably do not see that you are sounding 'whiney' here. But, beginning with the very Title that you have given your thread here "Inlaws found a new way to hurt me." You are not the victim of some kind of crime here. You are definatley allowing yourself to be hurt!

It is your DH fault that you were not seated with him for Easter Dinner... It is YOUR fault.... Period.... Now, if your inlaws actually came up and took your chair out from under you and said, you are not welcome to the table.... (kinda like what my sister did....) Then you might have a bit of a point... But, obviously there is no real point here except that your inlaws are rude, inconsiderate, hateful, ingrates.... NOTHING you can do, no amount of whining or demanding will ever change that. Not in a million years! You have to realize this and, instead of complaining about it, change YOUR actions and the way that YOU deal with it.

I have to wonder.... Why are you so hurt??? So, your inlaws do not accept you or love you as part of their family.... Big deal.... You aren't the only one in that boat. So what??? From my own similar personal experience, I learned that what hurt so very badly was NOT that my inlaws did not accept or love me, but that my DH was just like yours! He was completely blind to the inexcusable and hurtful behavior... He expected me to spend time with his family on a weekly basis, and therefore set me up to be the victim.... THAT was what hurt!!! My DH simply could not see the reality, and could not see my side, and refused to be a man and to take his rightful place as my Husband and to be a protective buffer between me and my inlaws.... (Similar to what one other poster mentioned) That was VERY painful!!!! Anyone here on these boards who has not experienced this can simply not understand this, and therefore may not understand your position, and may not understand your pain and your actions. But, believe me, I have been there. I understand... And I am just trying to maybe take this situation to the next level for you.

I can tell you, for certain, that it hurts WAY less to have come to the determination that "Hey, I do not have a relationship with my inlaws" than it did to go thru the kind of situation that you are currently going thru!

Once I made the decision that if DH were not going to do his part to try to make things work... then things were NOT going to work... It was not MY fault that my inlaws treat me with such disrespect... They are obviously never going to change... So, that was it... Now, I only see them occasionally, when necessary... for maybe a couple hours... I get thru it... they no longer hurt me, since I no longer care what they think, and I no longer ALLOW them to hurt me. DH is beginning to see my side... But, still, like your DH, has only really tried to stand up for for me, or our marriage/family ONE time.... I guess when it comes to their mothers or fathers, many men just instantly loose their balls!!!! LOL!!!!!

As somebody who has been-there-done-that... my thoughts and prayers are with you RUDisney!!! I hope things improve for you and your DH sake!

 

[Antonia]

Next time - take one of those folding fabric chairs with a cup holder built into the arm rest. Once the meal commences just take your chair out of the bag, plop down near the table, place your drink in the cup holder and break out your Tupperware. Be kind. Act like this is normal. Smile a lot, join in the conversation. Don't be their victim and who knows where it will go from there.

 

[Maleficent13]

I was going to cut and paste quotes, but there are too many!! I guess I just wanted to say that I think you can't really judge a situation unless you've been there to see it. I totally understand and agree with those who say she shouldn't expect her inlaws to "cater" to her needs, but I also say that when the inlaws cater to everyone else's needs and not to hers, it's probably deliberate. It's like saying, "I will accomodate the wishes of everyone in my family, but not your wishes. Therefore, you may assume I don't consider you to be family."

And to all those who say grow up and get a backbone, I say I understand and agree that a strong stance is needed here. But (again with the but), no matter how maturely you handle an issue, or how strongly you express your opinions to the offenders, you are still hurt by the behavior. Ultimately, we all want to be accepted, and blatant exclusion hurts, no matter how strong you are or how capable you are to deal with it.

 

[izzy]

Originally posted by RUDisney
I did not have the luxury of running them thru McD's or BK since they were with my DH and the rest of the bridal party.

I didn't know that McDonald's and Burger King served buttered noodles.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm seeing 2 problems here:
1. DH is inconsiderate
2. You are gaining something from being the victim

#1. Your DH is inconsiderate. We have pretty much all agreed about that. It is shameful that he allows his family to treat you badly, and would sit at the family table while you had to stand with 2 other BILs at the counter. This cannot possibly be the first time this has happened, so my question is...why do you tolerate that type of treatment from your DH? It doesn't seem to me that whining and nagging has gotten you anywhere, so why continue to do it? There are people here who have been in the same boat you are in and took positive action to change their situation. You don't want to make DH choose? I thought he did choose the day he married you. Now, that doesn't mean he should walk away from his "first" family, never to be seen again, but he should step up to the plate and defend you, and if he doesn't, then you have bigger problems than your ILs...you have a huge problem with your DH and his lack of respect for you.

#2. You are gaining something from the whining, poor me attitude. I don't know what it is because it isn't the respect of your DH(refer to #1) or your ILs. It's also teaching the kids a bad lesson.

If you don't like your ILs, don't go. If you go, take what they dish out to you and be quiet about it. Your kids don't need nor do they deserve a special meal at someone's wedding. you ILs don't have to provide special low-carb food for you at a holiday meal, and you don't have to keep tolerating everyone's (including your DH's) bad behavior.

If you don't want to be a doormat, get up off the floor.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
Well in his defense, somebody would probably have to explain to me how the presence of a Heavenly Ham could possibly be construed as an attempt to "hurt" somebody also.

LOL! I absolutely love this Ham. It is wonderful!


My MIL made rice and gravy for my son at Easter because when he was little-and a picky eater-that's all he ate. He's now in college and she makes him this at every Holiday meal- and he eays it and thanks her. He also is watching the Carbs, and is a weight lifter....but he wouldn't dream of hurting his grandma's feelings by not eating this OR expecting her to cater to a certain diet-on a holiday.

 

[pw2pp]

I just found this thread and I don't want to read the several pages of replies to see what other people have said.
To tell you the truth, I don't see what the big deal is?
I don't know what "the cold shoulder" is without hearing any examples, and other than the fact that there were not enough chairs, what was so evil?
I take it you must be on a diet. My opinion is that if someone is on a diet, it is their responsibility to bring whatever special food they need. Could you have not brought a dish (a low-cal one?). Or why not just eat small portions? Or possibly eat normal food for one day?
I don't know why you call him DH (DARLING or DEAR husband?) if he didn't take it upon himself to go down the basement (of the house that I am assuming he may have lived in at one time) and gotten you a chair himself. If it were me, I would have said "Hey Bob, can you get off your butt and get your wife a chair?" and laughed about it.
It sounds kind of like you have a "victim mentality" and that you think they are out to get you? It may very well be true that they don't like you, but, oh well.... make the best of it and accept the family you chose to marry in to.

 

[faithinkarma]

I was going to cut and paste quotes, but there are too many!! I guess I just wanted to say that I think you can't really judge a situation unless you've been there to see it. I totally understand and agree with those who say she shouldn't expect her inlaws to "cater" to her needs, but I also say that when the inlaws cater to everyone else's needs and not to hers, it's probably deliberate. It's like saying, "I will accomodate the wishes of everyone in my family, but not your wishes. Therefore, you may assume I don't consider you to be family."

And to all those who say grow up and get a backbone, I say I understand and agree that a strong stance is needed here. But (again with the but), no matter how maturely you handle an issue, or how strongly you express your opinions to the offenders, you are still hurt by the behavior. Ultimately, we all want to be accepted, and blatant exclusion hurts, no matter how strong you are or how capable you are to deal with it.

I completely agree with the above.

Good grief, has it come to this? Someone comes in here where they feel "at home" to vent. And we feel the need to let her know how it is all her fault?

So you disagree with the way she handled things (even without having been in that situation yourself). And you must say so? And often in a nasty critical tone. Can you not just move along and let it go. Is it really necessary to attempt to prove how she is the author of her own misfortune?

I don't believe her OP asked for advice or direction. She just wanted to vent for heaven's sake.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Originally posted by AirForceRocks
They couldn't have been all that hungry or they would have eaten what was available. As for the whining, sorry, but I wouldn't have put up with that. There was food there they could have eaten, they just didn't want to. Eat, don't eat, it doesn't matter to me. But if they choose not to eat, I'm not going to listen to them whine about it all night.

I'm going to disagree with this. My daughter is a VERY picky eater, and if there isn't something there for her to eat, I'll try and find something somewhere else for her. How do you know there weren't odd items served at the wedding like escargot or feta cheese? What kids eat that kind of stuff? I know my daughter wouldn't touch that, and if it meant to ask for something simple like plain noodles, I would hope my inlaws/grandparents would help out with something like that.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Originally posted by izzy
I didn't know that McDonald's and Burger King served buttered noodles.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Originally posted by faithinkarma


I don't believe her OP asked for advice or direction. She just wanted to vent for heaven's sake.

I'm with you on this one, faithinkarma!

 

[RUDisney]

I thought an update was in order. I thought about alot of the things that were said in this thread and I started taking actions to correct the problems with the inlaws.

Well, as a result of my actions and conversations, DH had a conversation with his mother and she called me to apologize for 10 years worth of sh**, as she put it. I told her that I agree that it's been complete BS.

Things won't be perfect overnight between us, but both of us have committed to trying to work out our differences so we can be a family. I reminded her that her DS picked me because he loves me and wants to live with me forever. If she doesn't like it, or her daughter doesn't like it, that's too bad. I don't see that he is suffering or trying to get away from me. He's happy and they should be happy for him. They don't have to like me or the decisions we make. They just have to tolerate and support us in our decisions. She agreed with what I was saying.

To make a long story short, we had a good conversation and we understand that we need to take baby steps before we can run. I hope that she was sincere and that we can heal.

So, thanks for the understanding and the kick in the pants to finally step up and do something about this situation. I've been trying to for so long, but you gave me better ammunition and advice to get the point across to my DH... FINALLY!

 

[Maleficent13]

I am so glad you are taking steps, RUDisney! I am also glad that it appears that your MIL is willing to take those steps with you. I am sure it won't be easy, but knowing you have your DH's support is good! Good luck with everything!

 

[CEDmom]

Wow, that's great. I think all of you deserve a lot of credit for swallowing pride etc and making the effort to work this out. Good luck .

 

[pw2pp]

That is great news RUDisney. It is good that the 2 of you are trying to work things out. Best of Luck to you both.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Sounds great, RUDisney, hoping things improve and go well in the future.