Inlaws found new way to hurt me...

[MICKEY88]

from a male perspective I think your husband shouldn't be in the middle,,

he should be at your side, he chose to commit to a lifetime with you, his responsibility is to you and your children,, he should talk to his parents and let them know that whether they like you or not, you are his wife and unless they can treat you properly, he and his family will be staying home for holidays..


on the other hand I agree with others who said that his mother shouldn't change the menu just for you,

I'm on a low carb diet do I expect my family to alter the traditional menu for me,,,NO..I choose wisely that day, over do it a little, but I survive...

I only drink flavored water, nothing else..do I expect family to provide it for me at holidays and parties....NO...if they had to get just one special item for every guest or family member, that would be annoying...I take my own water it's no big deal....if I forget ..I can blame no one but myself....

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
on the other hand I agree with others who said that his mother shouldn't change the menu just for you,

The only problem with this is that she changed it AFTER we started low carbing. There was always something that was low carb before. Now there isn't. I'm trying to figure out how they are going to make turkey high carb for Thanksgiving. Probably will buy that from heavenly ham, too.

I only drink flavored water, nothing else..do I expect family to provide it for me at holidays and parties....NO...if they had to get just one special item for every guest or family member, that would be annoying...I take my own water it's no big deal....if I forget ..I can blame no one but myself....

Again, I agree with this. BUT, my DH's family has always commented on how you should go out of your way to make guests feel welcome. They buy special things for other inlaws, just not me. I've come to expect it. My DH harps that my parents don't buy grey goose vodka for him. They don't buy bottom of the barrel licquors, but just not what my DH's preferred brand is. When I've suggested that we take our own, he says that it is up to the hosts to provide the guests with what they like best.
I guess it only is one sided, though, for him. We have always gone out of our way to make sure that we accommodate the dietary needs of our guests. When my DH's best friend was married to a vegetarian, I made killer vegan dishes. I also made meat, but I made sure that she didn't just have to stick with the salad. It really isn't THAT much effort to be accommodating. When you want to be accommodating.

I really wish I could host the holiday dinners. I'm a better cook than my mother or his. They are good cooks, don't get me wrong. I just kick it up a notch to make it fancier.

I wish that he would tell his mother that he is committed to me and that she should get used to it. I keep reminding him that it's better to have an upset mother than an upset wife.

 

[RitaZ.]

The hurt when your spouse lets his family treat you poorly is beyond measure.

My brother and SIL, as well as the rest of my family, came for dinner at our house for Easter. I cooked dinner as quickly as I could and even made the main dish around my SIL (vegetarian). Just as we were getting ready to sit down to eat dinner, they announced that they couldn't stay and had to leave now to go to my SIL's parents (something about having to leave by 4:00 p.m.). Then my brother has the nerve to ask me if it's ok that they are leaving. Let me think... NO, it's not ok!!!!! I cook dinner for the whole family and made special arrangements to please my SIL's diet (she didn't ask, I just wanted to do it for her) and they just leave. I guess he wanted me to relieve him of the guilt he felt. I didn't let it ruin my day (this isn't the first this has happened), but everyone else was in total disbelief over what they did.

My favorite part is when my brother called my mom to borrow some chairs from her house, as there weren't enough at his in-laws' house. Anyway, it was almost 6:00 pm and they hadn't even eaten dinner yet.

Family relationships are so difficult at times.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by RUDisney
The only problem with this is that she changed it AFTER we started low carbing. There was always something that was low carb before. Now there isn't. I'm trying to figure out how they are going to make turkey high carb for Thanksgiving. Probably will buy that from heavenly ham, too.

if they provide special items for other family members then they are certainly wrong for not providing for you and your husband,


was everyone else seated at the table,,, if so, I'm confused as to why your husband didn't get you a chair, or offer you his...

and I'm confused as to why he allows his family to treat you this way..

I would be much more tolerant of my family mistreating me than I would be of them mistreating my wife or children...


I think your husband needs lessons in chivalry....

equal rights aside..I still believe that a man should defend and protect his family at all costs...

 

[RUDisney]

Everyone was at the table except MIL, who never eats a holiday meal with the family since she picks all the while she is cooking. Two of my BIL's ate at the island with my DS. I got to stand at the other side of the island. Everyone could have been accommodated at the table, if there had been enough chairs.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by RUDisney
Everyone was at the table except MIL, who never eats a holiday meal with the family since she picks all the while she is cooking. Two of my BIL's ate at the island with my DS. I got to stand at the other side of the island. Everyone could have been accommodated at the table, if there had been enough chairs.

I don't grasp the concept of inviting people and not having seats for them..it's one thing if it's a large party,,but for a holiday dinner..???

last year was the first I've been able to host a big family dinner, and we bought a large folding table to make sure everyone could sit at a table.

I cast my vote for changing the location to your place,,I think you can teach your inlaws how it should be done...

 

[luv2nascar]

we eat at my in laws every Sunday
They make no effort to accomodate my dietary needs. They don't even ask. Which to me is rude too.
MIL always makes spaghetti w/meat sauce for Sunday dinner.
I am eating low carb so no regular white flour pasta for me or sugar.
I take my own food for DH and I. Either LC spaghetti, spaghetti squash, eggplant parm. I take my own splenda for coffee and my own diet soda.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by luv2nascar
we eat at my in laws every Sunday
They make no effort to accomodate my dietary needs. They don't even ask. Which to me is rude too.
MIL always makes spaghetti w/meat sauce for Sunday dinner.
I am eating low carb so no regular white flour pasta for me or sugar.
I take my own food for DH and I. Either LC spaghetti, spaghetti squash, eggplant parm. I take my own splenda for coffee and my own diet soda.

if you have to take your own food, every Sunday..why bother going..

 

[danacara]

I think it's terrible, the way they treat you, but I also think you are allowing yourself to be victimized a little bit. I would have said something about the lack of chairs, if I felt as strongly about it as you do. I would also bring my own food, period. I am not sure I understand how the vodka thing plays in, but if that's important, I'd bring that too. Don't fall into the trap of keeping a mental list of offenses against you so you can feel justified later when you go home and talk to your husband about this.

My boyfriend's mother detests me, and I'm the right religion, right background, right age, everything. She respects me, though, because I nicely call her on all of her crap. She can do her thing, but she can't delude herself into thinking that I don't know what she's up to. And since he keeps siding with me, what is it that I have to worry about exactly?

 

[Mercy]

Well sorry to disagree here but, I think if it were me I would have just eaten the meal that was served, even if I didn't eat hugh amounts. I would have also just asked my DH to please get me a chair, what's the harm in that?

Maybe your inlaws are obivious to your diet. I'm not saying that they are the inlaws of the year or anything, but sometimes people don't realize they are being rude.

I have a SIL who likes to sulk around if something is not going her way.... she won't speak up, mind you and just let someone know what the problem is, she just likes to mope around and sit off to the side with her kids. I find it extremely annoying and childish. If you want or need something...speak up!!

 

[newmousecateer]

I NEVER think that it's my DH's "place" to find me somewhere to sit-everyone looks around and goes to an empty place=big whoopee! I think sometimes a person has to go the extra mile and be pleasant in these situations, and not put hubby in the middle.JMO

I never think it is my DH's "place" to find me somewhere to sit, but I am a lucky woman....my DH would not even think of eating while sitting if I had to stand. He would definately give up his chair for me. And a hubby who does not support his wife in such an apparent hostile like environment needs to wake up. JMO

 

[Liv2CdWorld]

Originally posted by newmousecateer
I never think it is my DH's "place" to find me somewhere to sit, but I am a lucky woman....my DH would not even think of eating while sitting if I had to stand. He would definately give up his chair for me. And a hubby who does not support his wife in such an apparent hostile like environment needs to wake up. JMO

My thoughts exactly...

 

[snoopy]

My boyfriend's mother detests me, and I'm the right religion, right background, right age, everything. She respects me, though, because I nicely call her on all of her crap. She can do her thing, but she can't delude herself into thinking that I don't know what she's up to.

This pretty much described my scenario with my ILs. MIL was a tough old broad, God rest her soul, sort of a Joan Collins-esque type that wreaked havoc into the lives of her children and their partners. She didn't try it on me for long though -- I made it abundantly clear from the start that I wasn't going to allow her to manipulate me like she did the other D/SILs. The other plus was that we had distance between us not just from a geographical standpoint, but from an emotional one as well. I never got close to her, never relied on her, but was always cordial to her when we met. Sadly when she died I had some regrets that she didn't turn out to be someone I felt great love for, but thats the way it works out sometimes.

As far as the OP and her particular scenario, if I were on a specific diet, I'd have Easter dinner at home and then perhaps join the family for coffee/festivities later on. I would not expect them to make food to my liking or dietary restrictions. I would expect to have been offered a chair, but if I weren't I'd ask for one. These ILs seem like the type to thrive on chaos and *******, like my MIL did - its up to the OP to make sure she is no longer a part of their game.

JMO!

 

[Sleepy]

I do not see the big deal with eating at someone elses house. If they don't have what you want to eat, then either eat before you go, after, or bring a dish of something you CAN eat. I have been to plenty of houses where there are not enough seats available at the table. Some people have small houses. You sit where you can....livingroom couch, etc. If there is nowhere to sit, you stand. I have even sat on the floor! No biggie in my book. It is like camping out only you are inside. If you don't like that arrangement, then don't go. It's not worth sweating the big stuff or appearing to be a victim as if everyone hates you and only pick on you. At least your in-laws did not expect you to stand behind your husband as a butler while he ate and you could finish his cold leftovers (what my in-laws told me one thanksgiving). I sat myself at the table next to hubby and ate hot food! If your hubby was at the table, then you should have been too. If he chose not to sit you beside him, then HE is to be blamed for your situation....not your in-laws! Same goes for the food.......he should have asked what was being served so you could bring a dish you could eat.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by Sleepy
I do not see the big deal with eating at someone elses house. If they don't have what you want to eat, then either eat before you go, after, or bring a dish of something you CAN eat. I have been to plenty of houses where there are not enough seats available at the table. Some people have small houses. You sit where you can....livingroom couch, etc. If there is nowhere to sit, you stand. I have even sat on the floor! No biggie in my book.

I would not have had a problem with sitting anywhere. It's just that I was the only one who had to find a place for myself. There was a seat for everyone else.

As for why I didn't ask for a chair, I'm tired of dealing with this type of thing at the IL's house. They try to put me out. I've learned to keep my mouth shut for my DH's sake. It causes less problems for us in the long run. He hears about it once we leave, but I don't harp on it because it's a no win situation for me, or us.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Maybe at Thanksgiving you can bring a meat casserole, a cooler filled with diet coke, and a lawn chair.

 

[robsmom]

I really think you need to have an open discussion with your MIL about your concerns. In the last few years my sisters/cousins and I have moved holiday's into our generation. What I have learned is how much work it can be and that we are not perfect. I try to be a good hostess and have what people want but it is really hard to remember to accomodate everyone. My family was always big ice tea drinkers. as the women started have kids, being pregnant, breastfeeding etc., i started needing to make decafinated tea. So for a while i made two types. the last few holidays - i have thrown out most of the regular tea so this year I just made decaf and then my dad and uncle were looking for regular. but they were cool and drank the decaf, except then I ran out even though i made way more than we drank last time. people lived. My brother loves my mac&cheese because i use sharp type of cheeses, but the little kids don't really want "stinky cheese" so I made on with milder cheeses for them and my kind for the adults except in the confusion not every realized that and got the wrong kind. my sil that was suppossed to be doing a fruit bowl had to cancel so i had not dessert that my aunt with diabetes could eat. I thought i had white zinfendel for some people who prefer that, but we opened it and it was bad so they had to go with the white wine. So even though I really tried to accomodate everyone...things are not perfect. But in my family, no one complains, they don't think I am deliberately trying to snub them, and everyone left saying that they had a good time (and they all come back!!). I think if you layed out your needs in detail before hand and then your MIL makes no attempt to accomodate you, then you should complain, but maybe she didn't realize that the heavenly ham was a problem and was just taking a short cut?? sorry so long.

 

[RUDisney]

You make a good point, Robsmom, but I've already requested different things at different times, but she's never accommodated any of them.

My SIL, her DD, got married last year. I requested, on the response card, that she serve my kids buttered noodles for dinner. They have never been big on chicken nuggets, and I knew that they wouldn't eat the adult meals. What did she serve them? The adult meal. I pulled the table's waitress aside before the meals were served and asked her if they could get buttered pasta for their pasta course. She did this, but the kids didn't eat anything other than the small amount of pasta. MIL seemed put out that the kids didn't want what she ordered for them. MIL never even asked for buttered pasta for the kids even for the pasta course.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

You requested they make a special meal for your kids at your SIL's wedding?

 

[RUDisney]

Usually, kids are served chicken nuggets at weddings around here. I knew my kids wouldn't eat them. I knew that there was going to be a pasta course, so the caterer would just have to hold some of the macaroni for the main course. It would have been no biggie for them. Usually, grandmothers will go out of their way for their grandkids. The wedding was $$$$$ at a $$$$$ place. These are the type of places that will accommodate your every whim. That's why I requested a special meal for the kids.