Infidelity: How many "chances" would you give your spouse or S/O?

[mickeyboat]

AllyandJack,

Have you checked out this site www.survivinginfidelity.com ?

There are great resources there for people going through infidelity, especially for people trying to reconcile. They say it takes 2-5 years to let it go - but many people say, even those completely reconciled and happy after infidelity, they can never 100% trust their spouses again.

 

[aprilgail2]

None! End of story.

None! Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater- a leopard doesn't change their spots!!!

 

[1LuckyMom]

I voted none! There is just no way I would ever be able to trust him again! I tend to not forgive easily anyway, so I know exactly where I stand on this issue!

 

[AllyandJack]

So have you started your divorce process, Allyandjack???

Not yet. While my attorney was reviewing the paperwork, we discovered a defect in the title to our house. I'm on the Deed, but not the Mortgage (the bank's attorney messed up). So, any transaction conveying the house to me would basically mean I'd own it free and clear of any mortgage and the mortgage company would fight it. We're working to clear that up, which involves me signing over my interest in the house. I had to hire another attorney to walk me through that because the bank made a claim against the title insurance, the title insurance company's attorney is trying to pay me to sign the papers, and I want to make sure I'm not doing something that's going to be a detriment to me.

He's trying to be Mr. Perfect Husband (amazing how that happens when they realize you're not going to sit there and take it), but he's still on the couch and I barely say 2 words to him in any given day. He talks to me like everything is normal and I just sit there and wonder what planet he lives on or if he's suddenly developed amnesia.

The worst of it is that my parents are taking his side. Granted, my father cheated on my mother and my mother is a moron under the best of circumstances, but I know I would never turn my back on any of my girls. Once I got over the "poor me" thing, I realized they all deserved each other and I'm better off without them.

 

[AllyandJack]

AllyandJack,

Have you checked out this site www.survivinginfidelity.com ?

There are great resources there for people going through infidelity, especially for people trying to reconcile. They say it takes 2-5 years to let it go - but many people say, even those completely reconciled and happy after infidelity, they can never 100% trust their spouses again.

I haven't checked out that site. How can someone be happy living with someone they'll never trust again? I guess that's where I'm coming up empty.

My good friend's husband cheats on her. Openly. She told him she's staying until the kids are in school and then she's getting a job and leaving. They're basically roommates who parents 2 kids together. She gets to be a stay-at-home mom. He gets someone to cook his meals and pay the bills (with his check). They both seem OK with this arrangement.

 

[frndshpcptn]

sunnyday hit it dead on....that's the life I live. Is he REALLY working overtime? What was that "unavailable" call to his cell phone? Why did he get $20. cashback at the store?

Who wants to live like that? I don't. As far as I'm concerned, there is no going back. I honestly feel that once a person goes there, they're likely to go there again when they think you're no longer watching. I don't want to spend my whole life "watching".

I lived like that for a long time (before he phsyically cheated - when he was only at the fibbing phase of this whole mess) and I agree - it's no way at all to live.

Everything was suspicious to me - because I had already caught him lying about where he was and who he was with (without even trying, his friends were just really dumb and bad at covering for him) .

It was just to much and when he made the leap to actually cheating it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would like to think that I could be the bigger person and forgive, but I know that once the trust was broken I'd never regain it and eventually it would break down for good.

 

[sbell111]

I haven't done a study, but it would appear that disboards has a higher percentage of divorces/cheaters than the general population.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I chose other. It would really depend on the circumstances.

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

I voted none.

I have always felt that way. When my ex and I got involved we agreed on an honesty policy. If either of us felt there was an issue we would bring it up and work on it togther.

Well.... he wasn't honest. I had been clear about how I felt from the beginning. He made his choice. There were many other factors but it came down to a complete lack of respect for me and our relationship.

So we seperated and divorced.

Now, years later he tells me that he regrets what he did.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since I've been on the side of the "random 20-something chosen 'cuz she's cute and believes the lies (or doesn't care about any lies the guy feels the need to tell) and doesn't want to be serious" part of cheating...there would be no chances after an instance of infidelity. I know from being on that side that cheating means the person has checked out of the relationship. They're gone anyway; just make it official.


That's not to say I haven't supported my friends dealing with it in their marriages, when they wanted to work it out. OK actually I only know of one friend who wanted to work it out...she tried, but realized he was lying to his counselor, and it was useless. But she tried as hard as she could, and feels good about that.


But for me with my knowledge gleaned in my 20s, no chances.

 

[JoBird]

For me, there's only one chance and it began the day I said "I do". There will be no "Do-overs" in my marriage.

If he cheats, it's over.

Emotionally, physically- you name it. I'm finished.

I think way too highly of myself to be involved with someone who would think so little of me, our life together, and our children.

And "staying together for the sake of the kids"-- sorry, but I'd never want my son to grow up learning to be like a man who can't be committed to someone, who is a cheat and a liar. And I'd never ever want my girls to accept that in a life long partner, either, thinking "Well, Mom looked the other way, maybe I should as well".

No. They should be taught to be strong, and to think more of themselves than to let someone walk all over them that way.

If someone cheats, and gets caught- they aren't actually sorry for their actions. They're just awfully sorry that they got caught.




Jo

 

[aprilgail2]

I haven't done a study, but it would appear that disboards has a higher percentage of divorces/cheaters than the general population.

I don't think thats true- out of all the guys I work with over 50 percent that we KNOW of cheat---who knows how many of the others keep it quiet. THe percentage when I worked nights was WAY higher than 50 percent!

 

[beattyfamily]

Before I married and even for a while after I always said never would I put up with infidelity and there will be no second chances.

Well, now that I have kids, it's not that cut and dry for me. Not that black and white.

I don't know what I would do and it depends on the circumstances.

 

[SaraJayne]

Before I married and even for a while after I always said never would I put up with infidelity and there will be no second chances.

Well, now that I have kids, it's not that cut and dry for me. Not that black and white.

I don't know what I would do and it depends on the circumstances.

I have kids and it's cut and dry for me. If my DH cheats, he can consider himself an "ex".

For me, there is no grey area.

 

[OK!]

I've had this happen to me and it was an absolute deal-breaker, but things had been heading south for a while in the relationship. This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[Rora]

Infidelity is a deal breaker in my relationships. No matter how much I love you, sorry- you cheat (emotionally or physically), we're done.

Been there, done that and never again will I put up with a cheater because I love him and it might get better.

 

[suzimar57]

i voted "none"

that's how i've handled past relationships - one screw up, we're done

all past boyfriends, as well as my first husband - see ya!

when i got divorced and was a single-mother with my DS (for over 7 years), i was happy as a clam - then i met my DH and realized not all men are losers

married to a wonderful man who knows i won't put up with any crap - going on 14 years together

 

[Arielle22]

I voted none. DH and I have been married almost 24 yrs. I made it clear when we were dating that if he cheated she better be good because he would never be with me again.

We have 2 teenage daughters and a great life together. However I know myself well enough to know I would never be able to forgive or forget.

 

[beattyfamily]

I have kids and it's cut and dry for me. If my DH cheats, he can consider himself an "ex".

For me, there is no grey area.

Why quote me? I was sharing my opinion. I was speaking for myself and no one else. I didn't say people with kids should give second chances. I explained how I feel and how my feelings have changed for me since I had kids....