In Search of My Body - Not the One I Ate... Vol. 6: Goddesses just want to have fun

[SeptemberGirl]

See? This is why Liz is a writer and thank God we have one on this thread! So well said, just superb. And true. Word.

Thank you, honey. It means a lot to me when you say that.

Liz - I googled it. "The Dr" that is. 1/2 shot peppermint schnapps 1/2 shot cinnamon schnapps

Ah! Okay, I have done a shot that you drop in a glass that is a Dr Pepper. No idea what it was. I did it with Richelle. I assumed it was Canadian.

Beautiful post Liz. We are bang on. I was about to write that to Paula too. But I was a tad preoccupied yesterday.

I remember saying the same to you Liz when you posted your before and after. I'm all for giving great love to all times - especially the before because she or he deserves the most compassion. I never understood people who lost weight and were almost sickened by their before. I just don't like that stance. (**** This is not about you Paula - I know you're not saying that because I've heard you say right on this thread that you always knew your worth - always. Which is not the norm for most overweight people)

Well, I feel a tad sad.

Talked to my mom. My dad answered knowing it would be me which is fine. But whatever. We are not in a fight. He was in a breakdown and took it out on me. But my goodness my mom gets on and her biggest concern was something to do with when my work calls came in. So tired.

My father and I are and will be fine. He is the greatest example of someone "who just lived their life" . You know "move on" "get over it" "don't look at the past". You all might wonder why I do. He is why. He was my perfect example to not ignore knocking at the doors. He comes from tremendous pain and is lovely down deep but he struggles daily - when I was little - by the minute to keep the lid on so to speak. I see him struggle and I don't want it. I tried that for years and it doesn't work - just seeps in. It must suck to live in constant drama/irriation/agitation. Must suck. Me - I'm going to Disney World!!!!

Yes. Especially the before because she deserves the most compassion. So, so true. You did say that to me, too.

And yes, I don't keep secrets because my parents do. I don't believe in it and I won't put up with it in my life. They make you sick - look at my dad's recent ER visit. Thank God we get to choose another way.

And I've been thinking this all week. And Liz your writing made me remember.

I am done with weight. I feel so done. Not done with weight as in wanting to lose some more. Just done. I think I've gained since my lowest. I would guess ten to fifteen. I don't know. Lots of unconscious stress eating - no binging - just totally unconscious. Plus, my parents have goodies everywhere. I have nothing against crap as you know. I eat it. But I bring it in in my eating quantities for that night or day. Not keep it in. Big difference for me.

So weight. I can tell in my clothes. And I want that to be the measure. I'm not sure I'll ever - who knows but for now - get back on the scale.

And I really don't want much more. I just want to shop in any store and be fit - that's it for me. God made me big and that's that. I am near that spot. I am out of Plus for the most part but still shop 14s there. But don't always fit in 14s in regular. I want to be a weight where I do. Not 16s here, 14s there. I want options.

So I've bit Lisa, Lisa, Lisa and I will catch up on you guys soon.

Loving the fancy hotel lobby internet. Cutie we would sit here and be so curious together. Geez. So much interaction with all these tourists and businessmen etc. Total curious fest here.

Listen to me the girl who doesn't want to be seen is a changin'. She's hanging out in a busy swanky lobby. And is fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hear you on all of this. I am feeling the extra weight right now, and then I look at my body parts and think about them - I like this, this is okay this size, etc etc. It's interesting. I'll write more about it later, but I get this for sure.

Some man just called me "miss". I think I'm in love.

I so love to be called "miss"!

Liz - I totally love you for saying what you said!!!! WORD!

You are so right and my common sense is agreeing with you. The problem is my emotional head hasn't quite caught up yet. I am working on that, but it is not quite there yet. I am proud of who I am and the person that I have become. I understand that I am who I am because of what I went through, but as some of you are tired of battling the weight thing day after day, I am tired of having to deal with the crap of being an overweight person in America - I admit it, I am sick of it and just want that part of my life to be over. Maybe it is just that I have gotten a taste of what life could be like and now I want it all and I want it now. Sure, it is selfish and sure it is not entirely like me, but that is what I am feeling right now. The mental journey that is my weight loss has brought up some interesting things and this is one of them.

I am not ashamed of who I am, but to a degree, I am ashamed of what I looked like because I let it get so far out of control. I am damn proud of how far I have come and the progress photos are a great motivator. I am a work in progress right now and the architect in me recognizes the importance of the process over just focusing on the end result. I love that I can share that process with all of you and my family. I just don't want to share it with the world right now because I know that I can't share my journey with others until I know what it is myself.

I'm not entirely sure if that last part makes any sense to anyone besides, me right now, but that is what it is at the moment.

Thanks to everyone for listening and for the kind words. They are not falling on deaf ears here. I promise.

Paula

It makes sense. In my experience, I wanted to move on, be done with it. But it took some weight gain for me to truly get how far I'd come. I don't want that to be your turning point, too. I'd love for you to get it without my experience, you know?

Don't be ashamed of anything, honey. That's what I want for you. Acceptance, love, no shame.

 

[goofyfan-12]

It makes sense. In my experience, I wanted to move on, be done with it. But it took some weight gain for me to truly get how far I'd come. I don't want that to be your turning point, too. I'd love for you to get it without my experience, you know?

Don't be ashamed of anything, honey. That's what I want for you. Acceptance, love, no shame.

Liz - thanks for sharing. It helps to hear what others have gone through on their journeys. Acceptance and love without shame are absolute gifts. I hope that someday, I can give that gift to myself. That is a powerful goal to work towards. Perhaps more powerful than a clothing size, race distance, etc. Thanks for reminding me of that.

BTW - how are you doing? How are Jodi, Greg and baby G doing? Your mom?

 

[goofyfan-12]

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day...

Amiee - I used to go to the cemetaries with my grandmother every year to plan geraniums at the gravesites. I haven't done that since Gram started to lose her mind to dimentia. Need to do that again. There is something calming about staying connected to your family that way.

Erika - sounds like your weekend was a productive one. Hope you got everything accomplished that you wanted to.

Lyz -

Liz - loving you right now... really thanks

LisaV - I can picture you in the hotel lobby and that makes me smile. I am not sure if I told you this before, but your ability to put your feelings out there is such a beautiful thing. Have a great trip and a very happy birthday. You deserve to be in your happy place right now.

Kat - are you surviving the playoffs all right? I have been thinking of you lately.

Amy - how was the camping trip? Did you see that Roddy finally saw Star Trek. We need to start taking over the board to discuss...

Roddy - hope you are feeling better

Ronda - how are you? I hope you have been busy golfing, running and biking. We miss you around here.

Steph - did you call the doc's office yet? curious about the job situation.

Nancy - how was the VB sale?

Dawn - did you get some walking in this weekend?

To everyone else out there - speak up... I want to know what you have been up to this weekend...

The shopping trip was pretty good. I didn't buy much, but what I did was a good deal and was a great boost to my ego. I bought a button down short that was a size 2X!!!! I have been buying 3X's for eons now, so this is a huge deal for me. I even busted out a happy dance in the dressing room. I also picked up a pair of bermuda shorts that my sister said made me looked small. My sister bought a bunch of shirts and sweaters as well so it was a successful day. We came home and had a little BBQ with my parents and I finally had my burger. Yum!!!! It was nice and lean and cooked perfectly. Lots of flavor and not a lot of fat (92% lean meat).

I am off to get ready for work tomorrow (boo hoo) and then to head to bed. Have a great night everyone.

 

[lisaviolet]

Lisa, I just wanted to say that you sound so happy! And considering that you and Dad are--ok, not fighting, but you know--I am really impressed with you. All around. And I love your attitude about your weight. So freaking grounded, you are. And you ARE going to Disney World! Is it ok that I am jealous even though I just got back 9 days ago????

I'm laughing. Thanks so much. But I think I was just in "shock" mode - yes, doing well. I'll take that. You know what I'm capable of doing now - not engaging with people. Not doing the dance with others **** so they can do it alone. So that's great. I never could do that in my youth. So that's a huge plus to see that. That I can phone him, check on him, be appreciative of what they did prior and still say "no I will defend myself". All of it.

But I'm not doing well. I feel like weeping right now I'm so tired. And angry. I don't know where anything is. I have some things in a storage locker; some things at Jean's brothers and whatever everyday things we left at my parents last night. And no home. Sitting here in the lobby too flippin' tired to play Priceline. They want $160 for another night here. And I have to do something. But feel too tired to do Priceline. (And I love it - LOVE IT!!)

I'm not doing as well as you perceive.

Delayed feelings. He shouldn't have done what he did. And I never should have stayed there. I wanted to stay there for two days. Our quick closing and the cats made those two days necessary. But no more. Jean and I decided that. But she was so tired I just gave in to the three weeks. I always know what's best. Really do.

But did I tell you I'm going to Disney World!!!!

 

[lisaviolet]

Paula - so sweet. The lobby has really calmed down. You should have seen it at happy hour. Holy crap. I was thinking "yes, this is why I love downtown".

And I haven't spotted my "miss" man but I'm on it Nancy.

Everyone thank you.

 

[lisaviolet]

The shopping trip was pretty good. I didn't buy much, but what I did was a good deal and was a great boost to my ego. I bought a button down short that was a size 2X!!!! I have been buying 3X's for eons now, so this is a huge deal for me. I even busted out a happy dance in the dressing room. I also picked up a pair of bermuda shorts that my sister said made me looked small.

Wow Paula. Fantastic. That's so fantastic. What a wonderful feeling, eh?

 

[lisaviolet]

I so have to get back to Lakers and Nuggets. Priceline is stalling me down here. They said they need 15 minutes for some strange reason.

And Paula - although I would love to see Denver win. I adore Kobe Bryant (yes, hard to say) - but I mean his basketball. He is such a killer and so focused on the court. I love that.

 

[3DisneyKids]

And you say that JEAN is the one obsessed by basketball...

 

[3DisneyKids]

OT comment...I am so, so, so tired of students. OMG the way they COMPLAIN these days. I can't tell you how many e-mails I have received this week about their final grades (that I submitted last week). I am just stunned, as in...how could you NOT know that was your grade???? I post your grades after each task, nothing you have earned all semester was higher than a C, why on Earth did you think you were getting a B???

And we give letter grades, not numeric percentages. So anything 94 and up is an A. One student's final average I had down as a 94.6, so that was an A. I just got an e-mail from him saying that is was wrong and it should be a 95.6 It makes NO difference, dumb a$$, your final grade is exactly the same. Just take your A and leave me alone before I lower it just for being an idiot.

Sorry, just super frustrated and needed to vent. I am getting like 4-5 e-mails like this per day. This is the type of thing that never happened before e-mail. Now students feel the need to say anything and everything to their professors that before would have gone unsaid. Ah, the good ol' days!

 

[3DisneyKids]

Check me out, waking up the thread twice in one week!

 

[goofyfan-12]

Check me out, waking up the thread twice in one week!

Show off....

 

[goofyfan-12]

Seriously... good morning folks...

Time to start the wonderfully shortened work week...

 

[DISNEY4XMAS]

Steph - BAG! Did you buy it? Also, what is the doctor? An alcohol term I don't know! SHOCKER!
Purse .. nope haven't bought it YET.. Hoping that I will get it for my Birthday! Leaving MAJOR HINTS AROUND!
As for "the DOCTOR" that refers to Dr. McGillicuddy
Dr. McGillicuddy's Mint Schnapps
Clear in appearance, and with an aroma of vibrant peppermint freshness, the explosive, prickly flavor of peppermint candy make this an industrial strength liqueur.
It really clears the sinuses!



Paula - the thing is, babe, there was nothing wrong with who you were or what you looked like for the past 30 years. Sure, you were heavier. But is that wrong? Or freakish? No, it's not. It's simply not. And if it came with baggage and fears and sadness and all that, well, whose life doesn't? I'm not minimizing the stigma that comes with it, I swear. It's there and it's real and it sucks. But you're not alone in that. In my very humble opinion, I think you have to make peace with that. There was nothing wrong with that little girl, that teen, that young woman. Nothing. She was totally and completely fabulous. And I know this, because she became you.

I'm not blowing smoke up your a$$, and I say it because I have been there - if not on that rock, then on the ledge as a whole. I really don't think everyone's fabulous, and I really don't dish out that many compliments. And I sure as he!! am not going to nicey nicey you on rainbows and hearts and all of us holding hands and singing the Coke song to the world. But I'm right on this, babycakes.

There was nothing wrong with who you were before the weight loss. So don't leave her behind. Just love her and say thanks. She got you to where you are now, didn't she? If we don't all make peace with our pasts, those girls are just going to follow us around all our lives. So make the new memories. But don't try to wipe the emotional slate clean. It's okay to have some writing on there.

LOVE THIS!

Steph- Doctor? I'm sure you don't mean Dr. Pepper...

YUCK No, no Dr Pepper for me. That is one taste that I never acquired! Not a fan of cherry, NOTHING CHERRY! Except strangely Code Red cherry flavored Mountain Dew.

Liz - I googled it. "The Dr" that is. 1/2 shot peppermint schnapps 1/2 shot cinnamon schnapps

NOPE NO Cinnamon for me Just straight right out of the Bottle!

Hope your mum feels better soon

Thanks ... I think she is we went over to do her yard work after doing ours! And she cancelled her plans to be with friends and cooked us Dinner. Which was SOOOOO good!

Steph - did you call the doc's office yet? curious about the job situation.

No Not yet! Been VERY BUSY! And with the holiday they have been closed. So maybe today, maybe tomorrow!

So I weed wacked my yard & my mothers yard. I raked my mothers yard, and I Pulled all the IVY out of my fence, really really old IVY. It was like as thick as a tree branch. Then after my mothers yard work and dinner at her house we came home and planted tomato plants in my revised garden, (thats the one were Stephen put the stone wall up around). My BIL has some extra Butternut squash for us and probably extra Yellow squash. The kids have Pumpkins and watermelons so we need to find a place for them....

Ok off to run errands before I have to go to work. Which I am dreading.. I haven't worked since Friday night and NoW I DON"T WANT TO GO BACK!!!!

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Check me out, waking up the thread twice in one week!

I was up at the crack of dawn today. Becca had to be at school for 6:00am to leave for her 8th grade trip to Washington DC.

I've already been to the gym and back. The boys have their last track meet today - the conference meet. they are soooooo loooong. Tedious really. But it's Seth's last ever high school track meet. ugh. I'm turning into a basket case already

NOPE NO Cinnamon for me Just straight right out of the Bottle!

Actually -I looked again. The 1/2 peppermint 1/2 cinnamon shot is a HOT Doctor

 

[Dizneydawn]

I was up at the crack of dawn today. Why you lookin at my tukkus?Becca had to be at school for 6:00am to leave for her 8th grade trip to Washington DC.

I've already been to the gym and back. The boys have their last track meet today - the conference meet. they are soooooo loooong. Tedious really. But it's Seth's last ever high school track meet. ugh. I'm turning into a basket case already
Is there enough room for 2 in your basket. I am telling you I get it. Last week of school here and then one week off while the other 2 go to school and then graduation. He already has his cap and gown - tried on cap and I ordered it off. Not ready yet. Mentally prepared for a week from now so don't give your mother a coranary.

Weekend update - saw the sun on a glorious weekend from a car window for 40 minutes and that was to go get a dishwasher and more paint and a tub surround.

We are down to 3 weeks before grad party and have 30 things on a list to do to have a presentable house. That darn window opening is a pain. Sand and re-spackle to build it all even. I have swept and dusted and I quit until it is all done. Tonight should be it. Re-arranged basement to get better view of tv for all, stained trim, hung microwave - that took 3 hours because template was not okay etc, etc.

Baylor and I are on the way to get his hand re-evaluated. Very painful and the orthopedic doc thinks it needs to be. The buble wrap comments are accurate. This caused me to go through the check list of kids injuries.

Baylor has - stitches for a knife cut when he tried to do an apple on his own at 7. Stitches for a finger when it was slammed in the door fighting with Carsyn at age 8. Fractured 2 bones in top of his left hand in football in 5th grade. Disslocated both sides of his right elbow after doing a back flip off a swing at school in 5th grade. The burn injury and now this. He just laughs about it. I simply shake my head anymore.

I was thinking of acidents with the other 2 to compare and they are not quite as bad.

Treyner had a major surgery for a defect in his urethra tube when he was in 2nd grade. He had an umbilical hernea from gymnastics in 6th grade that required surgery. Broke his hand in 10th grade football and tore his MCL/ACL and miniscus in 11th grade summer soccer in one quick accident.

Carsyn had stitches 2 times on either side of her eyebrows when little. One running into corner of wall racing Treyner and the other juming off couch and hit coffee table. Then when she was 3 1/2 she literally tore her ear from the base of her head when she fell - racing Treyner again - on a step at a gazeebo in an Amish community we were visiting and the blow cracked the skin/cartelige that holds the ear to the head. I would like to say that Chad was watching for all 3 of those events! Makes me feel better a little. Not really but sounds better!

Then she had an umbilical hernea she was born with that needed surgery at about 7. She has had her bladder/kidney stuff since birth - which BTW is going amazing now!

Baylor also had a follow up with his burn docs last Thursday and they are pleased with his progress! It looks great and his donor site is already matching his other thigh!

But I do not think that any of these things are too far out of the norm. Many injuries have been sports related and with active kids that is a part of life. They do not have asthma or diabetes or some other chronic disease that is so hard to deal with day in and day out. So I will take it as a blessing that so far the things that they have had to go through were isloated and fixable. The longest has been Carsyn's bladder isuues and now we hopefully are on the home stretch for that.

I will be back later after doc appts.

I wanted to say that I loved the trip report E! You are wonderfull at getting the experience to the reader in such vivid words!

LisaV - glad things are looking up at home and yeah on Disney trip!

Liz and Paula - thans for putting into words how I feel about pics and myself. Both of you bring awesome insight.



Hi all!

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Dawn - I hear you on the whole frazzled-nerve graduation thing. I'm so on the edge right now - just the slightest *push* and over I'll go Our graduation isn't until June 25th, so I have a bit more time than you do....


And I would like to take this opportunity to THANK YOUR CHILDREN! They have had enough accidents/injuries to statistically reduce the chances of my kids getting hurt


so - with all this 'real life' stuff going on - how's your eating been? To say I'm a stress eater is a *tad* bit of an understatement. I'm really finding it difficult to make smart choices.

 

[amykab]

Hey Everyone!

Back from camping. The rain really really sucked, but we made the best of it and had a great time. Delena LOVED being outside all the time and slept so well in the tent. Visited a really cool off the beaten path winery, and got in some nice walks. Awesome family bonding time. AND I managed to lose a pound and a half! So, all in all it was a great weekend.

It will probably take me a day or two to get caught up, but I will. It is time for me to fully recommit to my running, figure out some kind of plan to keep me on track. E, I will probably revisit the plans you sent me eons ago as a starting point.

Something sort of funny, sort of not. Sort of embarrassing. Little D started saying "0h Sh*t" this weekend. In context. We have never said it TO her, but around her a few times. it's not like she is old enough to understand when we tell her it is a bad word and not to say it. We are kind of ignoring it, and trying to be more conscious of what we are saying.

Be Back Later!

 

[Dizneydawn]

Dawn - I hear you on the whole frazzled-nerve graduation thing. I'm so on the edge right now - just the slightest *push* and over I'll go Our graduation isn't until June 25th, so I have a bit more time than you do....

Right now seniors pics are on our local channel and the high scool tv channel. They put their toddler/baby pics up then grad pics and say where they are going after high school/major etc.

Treyner - was gone for soccer 2 months ago on the 2 days they had to turn them in. Did he think to do it ahead? No. He could care less, his priority was soccer. Many of his friends did not get them in either (all boys) and all of us moms are like - thanks, this was for us, not you! Not the end of the world but I wanted to have a copy of it playing at his grad party. And I would like to take this opportunity to THANK YOUR CHILDREN! They have had enough accidents/injuries to statistically reduce the chances of my kids getting hurt
I am glad this is slightly amusing to you! Baylor is mad he has never had a real cast yet and Treyner thinks it is weird he has never had stitches. I actually went and got medical records I have for them since I was listing the things, and forgot that Treyner sepersated his shoulder in soccer and tore a muscle in his leg in soccer as well and needed crutches for a few weeks. Can't remember all the details. They have never had strep throat though!

so - with all this 'real life' stuff going on - how's your eating been? To say I'm a stress eater is a *tad* bit of an understatement. I'm really finding it difficult to make smart choices.

Ditto. Not eating at restarunts or FF at all. Just not hitting the grocery store so eating what is here and that is not good.

Side note that I would like feedback on.

Chad's mom (controlling freak to no end) and Chad got into a fight this weekend over many things including the kids not being able to go to a weekend event they want them at this summer due to our friends from Ireland being in the states and our visit with them. (Planned since Christmas BTW.)

Chad understands, his mom does not. She said, "Your 3 kids are self centered and should put family before friends."

Carsyn heard this and confronted her grandmother. Saying that they had seen the family 4 times since September all of which the kids went to them. Twice since April and it is a 5 hour drive one way. We have not seen our friends in 6 years. That if family was so important to her than why has she never been with Carsyn for a birthday in 15 years. even though Carsyn asks her to come.

His mom said that Carsyn was being selfish and mentioned Treyner's grad party and how it should be moved to the end of July. Carsyn asked why. She said that it would be easier for them and fit her schedule better. Carsyn expained Treyner's soccer and this was the only time we could do it. Chad tried to stop his mom from engaging Carsyn and directing his anger to him.

Carsyn walked away. They were ready to leave a few minutes later and when she tried to hug her grandmother goodbye, Chad's mom patted her with one hand on the back and turned away from her. Carsyn said, "It's okay grandma, we will get home safe. No need to walk us outside. You don't have to say goodbye. I am sorry you do not understand that everyone has busy schedules and that there is not always going to be a time when we all can get together. It has nothing to do with loving you."

She told me all this when she got home and I have never seen her cry and be so hurt. The fact her grandmother can't look past her own anger to be appropriate or give a curtesy hug has finally broken her. There has been many storeies like this in the past but usually was directed to Chad. I always let Chad be his own decesion maker about his parents. Now it is involving my kids as a primary not a secondary attack and I am really contemplating not asking them to come to the graduation party. Treyner was not there when it happened and he is furious.
Chad and I are really talking about how we want this handled for the best outcome for Treyner's party. He knows she will throw a fit if she is allowed to come and make a scene. Am I going to go to he!! for not having her come? It is a big occasion for him and although I would like his grandparents to be a part of it, their title by blood does not dictate unlimmited access to hurt either.

Thoughts?

 

[3DisneyKids]

Aim, I hear ya about camping in the rain! It is the pits. But I am glad you guys were able to salvage it. And yes! The kids sleep SO WELL when outside like that. It's awesome! We have our first camping trip in a month and I am excited for it. Camping is awesome for me because it is the only time I am truly unplugged. No laptop, no cell phone. I can't work no matter what. Glorious.

Dawn--Kelly has the all the tips for dealing with an awful MIL.

I am going to try to run today. I have barely been running. Yes, you read that right. Lots going on. No energy to type it all out, but maybe later. But I am going to need some support to get back on the wagon. Again. *sigh*

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Something sort of funny, sort of not. Sort of embarrassing. Little D started saying "0h Sh*t" this weekend. In context. We have never said it TO her, but around her a few times. it's not like she is old enough to understand when we tell her it is a bad word and not to say it. We are kind of ignoring it, and trying to be more conscious of what we are saying.

I always found the bigger deal we made out of "swears" the more the kids were inclined to use them. Becca was probably about the same age as D when she proclaimed emphatically "I can NOT get this God Dammit thing to work". Choking back my laughter I simply offered assistance. Then decided I'd better be a bit more careful with my language choices

Not eating at restarunts or FF at all. Just not hitting the grocery store so eating what is here and that is not good.

That's still a step in the right direction I need to take a pantry inventory & get to the grocery store as well.

And my thoughts? I'm glad she's not my MIL! I have no experience dealing with a woman like that. Seriously. I love my MIL. She's fabulous.

Dawn--Kelly has the all the tips for dealing with an awful MIL.

very true. Kelly has the Mother of All Mother-in-Laws

I am going to try to run today. I have barely been running. Yes, you read that right. Lots going on. No energy to type it all out, but maybe later. But I am going to need some support to get back on the wagon. Again. *sigh*

Running. I've been working my way back from that hip flexor crap. (which btw is MUCH better). Ran 2.5 miles today. Slow. But painfree.

And the wagon? Oy the wagon. Right now I feel like my body needs me ON the wagon, but my head needs me off! I can't even explain the stress and nerves and the je ne sais quoi! it's just in.sane. Enjoy the kiddos while they're still little. That's all I can say