in need of help!!!

[Never2old4Magic]

Hi... i have a question...i am not a newbie just hiding behind another name for this question.

would you consider your dh looking at porn behind your back as a type of cheating. i knew he use to and we got rid of all the stuff in the house....tonight i looked in the history on the computer and he has been looking up porn sites. i am sooo upset. please help!!!

 

[Caradana]

No. Men are men. They're visual. It has nothing to do with your intimate life with your husband ... he just likes to look at these pictures and feel "the stirrings."

Is it worth losing him over? Has he done other things in the past?

 

[Never2old4Magic]

no... not that i know of. just we just went through a big ordeal witha friend..her dh had cheated on her with the lady across the street...i guess i am just being paronoid. But .... well i dont know... my feelings are just really hurt.

 

[Jasminesmommy]

I use to think it was a form of cheating the first few years of marriage but if he was to now i don't think I would care. I wouldn't worry about it. There is not much he can do with it. I think most (not all) men have and do look/watch porn as married men and some people use it as forplay. Talk to him and tell him your concerns i am sure he will understand.

 

[beckmrk04]

I think porn is generally used as a visual outlet, like caradana said. It would be different if he were replacing your sex life by looking at porn, which I am assuming isn't what's going on.

Furthermore, it's a normal behavior. Men like visual stimulation. You aren't home.... Computer is... It has nothing to do with you, or you not being "good enough."

 

[Never2old4Magic]

i feel that he is replacing it. i have some female problems and unable to do it often..so i feel he is using this outlet. well seeing as i am not happy right now with him and he is already in bed. i am going to make the couch my bed tonight.

 

[beckmrk04]

He probably is using it as an outlet. But better the computer than a human! I'm not trying to minimize your feelings, really!! But, I do think that if you told him no more porn and got rid of everything in the house, then he uses the computer anyway, ok. Maybe you don't like it. But take away that outlet and eventually he will find another one. And that one may be worse.

It's always hard to learn that you aren't the only one that lights your man's fire. But he MARRIED you!!! That means that although yes, he would like to have sex with you, he probably wants more with you than he can get from internet porn: companionship, a partner, someone to share life with, someone to grow old with, have kids with, etc. The porn is helping him "scratch an itch" so to speak. But those pictures are not a threat! They are airbrushed fake women who your DH, chances are, has no chance with!! As if he'd even want it with a girl like you!

And is it the porn that really bothers you or the fact that you feel less desired/attractiveor whatever? Because if it's porn, that's one issue. If it's more that it's a blow to your self esteem, then it really has more to do with you than his behavior. I'm guessing it's more the self-esteem.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

i feel that he is replacing it. i have some female problems and unable to do it often..so i feel he is using this outlet. well seeing as i am not happy right now with him and he is already in bed. i am going to make the couch my bed tonight.

Honestly, you have to find other ways to do it. Then he will look at less porn.

 

[mudnuri]

Honestly, you have to find other ways to do it. Then he will look at less porn.

I was thinking the same thing- many times during my pregnancies and of course- after, we had to improvise....plenty of ways to go about it

Brandy

 

[CA Disney Fans]

Great advice everyone. I have been thinking of the same question that Never2old4Magic asked for awhile. It's a bit difficult for me to handle as I'm quite insecure. My husband understands. He's been supportive and hasn't looked as often for my sake...as far as I know. I used to go crazy at first, but I've gotten better.

 

[AMcaptured]

I would find it hard to believe that there are many men with access to the internet that haven't looked at some porn. It is todays version of sneaking a peek at a girlie magazine 20 years ago.

I think its pretty "normal" and it is definitely not cheating!

 

[nliedel]

Cheating? No. Do I have to like it? NO! Do I want it in my home with small children? No. MY DH got rid of his when we got married and I know he has not looked at much if any since (13 years) but if he wanted to I would not stop him. I used to be MUCH more bothered about it 13 years ago when we married. I was more insecure then about our realtionship. Now I know that if he looked it would not be an insult to me. It's not about whether he loves me or likes me or is attracted to me. Still I am not a huge fan of it for other reasons. I jus think there is something degrading about it.

So I would not have a fit if I found it and I know my marriage is healthy and happy. What would bother me about it is that he was sneaking. That's something you should talk about. While Gene and I do not agree on everything the other one does we are both pretty straight with one another. I know it's hard to talk about it without the emotions hanging out but that's probably what has to happen.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I would like to know how many men would say "no problem" if they found their wives looking at male internet porn sites.

 

[gallaj0]

I am a man, and have said no problem with my wife looking at online porn. She's looked occasionally, it really isn't a big deal.

 

[Christine]

I have never, ever thought that "men looking at porn" was a big deal. Even in my young, insecure days. I have a husband and I have a few male friends. With the exception of two of them, all of them look at porn fairly regularly. They all also seem to be very good husbands, in love with their wives, etc.

Men are very different than us and they seem to require those visuals--even if they are VERY satisfied at home, if you know what I mean?

Anyway, the only time(s) that I would get alarmed about it is:
1. You have kids and they would be able to access these sites
2. He's downloading stuff and your bills are running $200 per month
3. He's spending more than a few minutes looking at it. Some guys get obsessed with it and spend hours looking at it.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I am a man, and have said no problem with my wife looking at online porn. She's looked occasionally, it really isn't a big deal.

Okay, maybe I should have rephrased that, I meant "sneaking" looking at MALE porn, not gay male porn, not female, but heterosexual male porn, along with hiding it from their husbands. You'd be okay with that?

 

[Disney_1derland]

I think that it is better if it's something that is out in the open. He may feel this is something you won't approve of so he is 'sneaking'. If he knows you know and are okay with it and there is open communication about it then there is definitely not a problem. It's the 'sneaking' I have a problem with.

We have an open porn policy here It is allowed as long as it's not violent or weird, as long as the children cannot access it nor ever see it (they don't use the same computer we do) and we are very open about it. It works for us, may not work for everyone. Given the fact that I'm on 'pelvic rest' until august I'd be silly to think that there wasn't some need there on his part.

 

[sweet angel]

I don't think LOOKING at porn is a big deal. However, I know from my neighbor's conversations that there are some sites that are interactive -- where they pay a fee and can tell the girls what to do and they do it. I would have a problem with that, I think.

 

[hucifer]

I don't think LOOKING at porn is a big deal. However, I know from my neighbor's conversations that there are some sites that are interactive -- where they pay a fee and can tell the girls what to do and they do it. I would have a problem with that, I think.

I would agree with this.

 

[Brianne]

I think it comes down to respect. I don't care if my DH looks at it, not that it's often anyway. But I know that if it were to bother me, he'd stop.

If your husband is still looking at it after you've told him how much it bothers you, then it's a lack of respect & could indicate more problems than just the porn issue. But if you haven't told him, then how is he to know that it bothers you?

Communication is the key. It always is.