In-Law Vent

[BuckNaked]

Oh my, now since some of us don't agree with you, it means we don't believe in saying I love you to our children.

My son knows that he has a huge family that loves him. That love is not based on how much money they spend on him.

My family is not in a competition with his father's family. It doesn't matter to me, my son or his father, which set of grandparents has attended the most events or purchased the most gifts. As long as my son is loved unconditionally, I'm happy.

Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays, I guess that means their children are deprived and lacking love as well.

Great post!!

When I think about things related to my kids that are the highlights of my week, a birthday party wouldn't even register. For us, it's when they try something they've never tried before, whether they do well at it or not. It's when the effort grade goes from a 'D' to a 'B', whether the performance grade goes up or not. It's playing charades in the living room, or watching my son do his latest "magic" trick, or seeing my daughter make that three-pointer in the championship game.

Those are highlights to me...

 

[scanne]

Nope, no gifts. Proves my point even more, I think.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Nope, no gifts. Proves my point even more, I think.

But they are there, doesn't that count for something?

 

[scanne]

When I think about things related to my kids that are the highlights of my week, a birthday party wouldn't even register. For us, it's when they try something they've never tried before, whether they do well at it or not. It's when the effort grade goes from a 'D' to a 'B', whether the performance grade goes up or not. It's playing charades in the living room, or watching my son do his latest "magic" trick, or seeing my daughter make that three-pointer in the championship game.

Of course those are highlights, but so is a birthday party!

And it sounds like your kids are older than mine. Mine are 2 and 4 - and they accomplish lots of wonderful things each day. My DS can print his name. My DD can sing her ABC's. These are highlights, too! But my original vent was about how selfish my in-laws are and tonight's "visit" proved the point/vent even further. They came - no gift, nothing but them wanting a piece of cake and wanting my kids to give them hugs and kisses. (Which I encouraged them to do - I'm not heartless). But I do hold some anger towards them...for lots of reasons.

That is what this post was about originally. It really snowballed. But now I'm going to quit worrying about my in-laws AND this thread and get ready to go on my much anticipated WDW vacation!

 

[scanne]

But they are there, doesn't that count for something?

On their time, when it's convenient for THEM!

Why can't some of you see from MY perspective how selfish this is?

 

[Allison]

On their time, when it's convenient for THEM!

Why can't some of you see from MY perspective how selfish this is?

Because some people have different opinions and don't believe it is as selfish as you do. By the number of posts you have, you shouldn't be surprised that not everyone agrees with you. There are thousands of people on this board and you are never going to get a unanimous opinon on much of anything.

 

[scanne]

Because some people have different opinions and don't believe it is as selfish as you do. By the number of posts you have, you shouldn't be surprised that not everyone agrees with you. There are thousands of people on this board and you are never going to get a unanimous opinon on much of anything.

True, true. I really am just venting my frusturation and anger over the whole situation...

Anyway, I think it's time to let this thread go...

 

[BuckNaked]

Of course those are highlights, but so is a birthday party!

To the child and perhaps to you and other parents, but certainly not to me.

Why can't some of you see from MY perspective how selfish this is?

Because I don't think it is selfish.

My late FIL never came to any our kids' birthday parties, so I guess I'll eventually have to make clear to the kids that he didn't truly love them.

 

[Allison]

True, true. I really am just venting my frusturation and anger over the whole situation...

Anyway, I think it's time to let this thread go...

I know. Just let the whole thing go if you can and move on. You'll feel better. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

On their time, when it's convenient for THEM!

Why can't some of you see from MY perspective how selfish this is?

We do...we have just been there, done that and know the outcome. I really understand where you are coming from believe me....wait till the kids get older. Getting a grip now is best for your family. I wish someone would have told me that.

I had to endure the never ending questions from my kids...how come everyone gets to spend the night, go to the movies, zoo, whatever with THEIR grandma, aunt, etc...BUT WE DON'T??? Here was my answer...."because they are busy or they work".

You see...drawing attention to it makes it worse and will drive you up a wall.
Your IL's are your "extended family". When you get bent out of shape you hurt your "immediate family". That is what you have to see. They will never change so you have to.

 

[maxiesmom]

To me this comes down to priorities. To the OP her in-laws priorities are the casino over their grandchildren. It's pretty sad when grandma picks the slots over a child. I would be upset too.

I totally agree with this! It is not like the in-laws had tickets to a concert, or planned a dinner with friends. They chose to go gambling over attending their grandchild's birthday! I would be furious!

My parents were never the kind to fuss over birthdays either (well, not mine, my dad was known to fuss over my sister) but thankfully they have come around. My nieces and nephew always have a birthday celebration with both sets of grandparents, and their favorite aunt too .

It is not about having children think the world revolves around them, it is about making them feel special on their birthday. And everyone should!

 

[lovmy2girls]

True, true. I really am just venting my frusturation and anger over the whole situation...

Anyway, I think it's time to let this thread go...

Yes, you are right. Forget about this thread. You will never be able to communicate in words your feelings on how you feel with out them being twisted, exaggerated, and belittled, or totally misinterpreted. Maybe on a subject such as this, the best thing is to respond with I just don't agree, or not at all. I think some people forget that behind the typing is someone with feelings and vice versa, that’s all sides.

 

[taximomfor4]

Yes, you are right. Forget about this thread. You will never be able to communicate in words your feelings on how you feel with out them being twisted, exaggerated, and belittled, or totally misinterpreted. Maybe on a subject such as this, the best thing is to respond with I just don't agree, or not at all. I think some people forget that behind the typing is someone with feelings and vice versa, that’s all sides.

Great post...now please, please go and post it on ALL the controversial threads. Sometimes I feel bad for the people getting disagreed with on these boards.

 

[MosMom]

I think it kind of sucks that your in-laws chose gambling over their grandchild's birthday. They may not be selfish but I think that is a little sad. I highly doubt it means they don't love your kiddo but I can see how it hurt you.

I'm glad to see you're over it and excited for your upcoming trip.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Great post...now please, please go and post it on ALL the controversial threads. Sometimes I feel bad for the people getting disagreed with on these boards.

Only certain subjects such as this, do I feel sorry for people getting disagreed with, or in this case of OP, bashed. Family problems really suck. I think its one of those subjects like Politics and religion, you have to just stay out or agree to disagree.

 

[Nancy]

On their time, when it's convenient for THEM!

Why can't some of you see from MY perspective how selfish this is?

I see your point, but don't think it is selfish of them, it's just more of them not really caring about how you feel. Like I said earlier, I think family comes first, especially when they live close. I never felt that my kids Grandma's had to be at every little event in their lives, but when I was having everyone over (everyone being 2 grandmas and my SIL, her husband and 2 kids) for the girls birthday I did expect them to be there.........and they have been for 17 years now. Now half the time I didn't even tell the Grandmas about school stuff going on because they both work FT and why would I expect them to take off work for that stuff? BUT to celebrate the day my kids came into the world, you can bet it's a big thing to me and them.

The way I look at, when the Grandmas are too old to get around any more I don't want my kids to be more involved in their own lives and not go to see them, I want my kids to go spend time with them because it's what family does.

 

[Aidensmom]

Well, let me give the perspective of a "selfish" relative. I am not a grandparent, but I have 4 neices and nephew's who have birthday parties every year.

I don't attend all of them. I sometimes have other plans, and that is why I don't go. I always call and talk to the birthday child and tell them I will not be there, but that I will come by and visit later.

The last party, for my neice who turned 3, I did not go to. For the totally selfish reason that I had planned to take my son to Star Wars Weekend at Disney-MGM. I love my neice very, very much. However, I also had already made plans for that weekend. As my life is fairly busy, I didn't even have time to make a special trip to her home to bring her birthday present, I ended up giving it to her a month later when we vacationed with my brother and his family (she is my brother's child).

No one made a big deal of it. We all know that we love each other, and that sometimes life gets in the way, and that sometimes we have made other plans. It is just something we have learned to let go. My brother has not always been able to make it to things for my son either, its no big deal. My son does get disappointed if someone cannot attend his party, but we explain that "so-and-so" just had something else they had to do, and that they will be happy to see him later. He understands.

I do understand that it can be hurtful if you feel like someone chooses to do something other than what you have invited them too. Your inlaws may not think a birthday party is that important. It is just a difference of opinion - you find it a priority, they don't. Neither person is right and neither is wrong, what is important is the message you send to your child about it. Life is so much happier when you choose your battles, and the only battles you can really fight are those about yourself, you can't change someone else.

That all being said, my son is not having a birthday party this year, he chose to have a WDW trip instead. Some relatives/inlaws think that we are awful for doing that. Oh well, this is my child's birthday and this is how he wants to celebrate. Everyone is going to have differences of opinions at some time.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Well, let me give the perspective of a "selfish" relative. I am not a grandparent, but I have 4 neices and nephew's who have birthday parties every year.

I don't attend all of them. I sometimes have other plans, and that is why I don't go. I always call and talk to the birthday child and tell them I will not be there, but that I will come by and visit later.

The last party, for my neice who turned 3, I did not go to. For the totally selfish reason that I had planned to take my son to Star Wars Weekend at Disney-MGM. I love my neice very, very much. However, I also had already made plans for that weekend. As my life is fairly busy, I didn't even have time to make a special trip to her home to bring her birthday present, I ended up giving it to her a month later when we vacationed with my brother and his family (she is my brother's child).

No one made a big deal of it. We all know that we love each other, and that sometimes life gets in the way, and that sometimes we have made other plans. It is just something we have learned to let go. My brother has not always been able to make it to things for my son either, its no big deal. My son does get disappointed if someone cannot attend his party, but we explain that "so-and-so" just had something else they had to do, and that they will be happy to see him later. He understands.

I do understand that it can be hurtful if you feel like someone chooses to do something other than what you have invited them too. Your inlaws may not think a birthday party is that important. It is just a difference of opinion - you find it a priority, they don't. Neither person is right and neither is wrong, what is important is the message you send to your child about it. Life is so much happier when you choose your battles, and the only battles you can really fight are those about yourself, you can't change someone else.

That all being said, my son is not having a birthday party this year, he chose to have a WDW trip instead. Some relatives/inlaws think that we are awful for doing that. Oh well, this is my child's birthday and this is how he wants to celebrate. Everyone is going to have differences of opinions at some time.

The original posters problem was with a parent. Not that Aunts and Uncles are not important, that is not what I am saying. When a parent stiffs the party because they would rather go to Trumps casino, which they do often every month, it can sting. As in your case you have a son, and I think taking your own child to WDW is not the same as going to a Casino. If my SIL couldn't make my kids party, for whatever reason, it would not be the same as my own mom, not making it because she wanted to go to Biloxi for the day.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Only certain subjects such as this, do I feel sorry for people getting disagreed with, or in this case of OP, bashed. Family problems really suck. I think its one of those subjects like Politics and religion, you have to just stay out or agree to disagree.

I agree.

The situation does suck. Vent away. Better to vent here than to have a drama fest with the ILs. Get it off your chest and move on like you stated.

A lot of what you posted sounds strange in regards to your ILs. They live 10 min. away, are retired, and can't be bothered with visiting your DD for her BD, until the exact time of her bedtime? That's bizarre! You are better than me, under those circumstances the child would be in bed and they could visit with DH & I. They'd need to reschedule their visit with the child. It's not like they live hours away! They want cake and want to play at that time!? That's a good way to work up a child and then you play heck trying to get the child to bed at all.

Sounds like you are in for a rough ride with those two. Buckle up.

 

[scanne]

Your inlaws may not think a birthday party is that important.

Oh but they DO! If we don't make an "event" of MIL's birthday, she will flip out! She guilt-trips her boys (my DH and his brother) and puts all these expectations on them - giving nothing in return. I told DH that I may not be able to hold my tongue much longer. 9 years is pretty good, huh?