In-law apt. for MIL. How would you handle this? I really need help ASAP!

[phorsenuf]

I'll start with a brief background. My MIL lives down south (FIL died last Aug.). She intends to come up north for about 4 months out of the year. She's due up at the end of this month and she has made no plans. We keep encouraging her to get the ball rolling and ask her what her plans are but she hasn't done anything yet. We told her she could stay with us, but she says we are too loud
Anyways, so her thoughts have been either buy a place or rent a furnished apt.
Renting an apt we think is a bad idea because its very expensive, about $1300-1500 a month. She also has some serious health issues and is very sensitive to molds, germs and the like. Plus, knowing her and her ways, I can't even imagine her living somewhere where all kinds of people have lived before her. (trust me, she's a bit neurotic). Also, its like throwing her money away (we've heard that rental argument soooo long from her I can't believe she is considering it.)
The other option is buying a place. However, around here that's a big investment and then my DH would have to tend to it while she's gone and truthfully, he just doesn't have the time to do it and doesn't want to. She just assumes he'll do it.
Sooooo, my Dh and I thought over the weekend that we could convert out garage into an apt. Its a big garage 25X40, so there would be plenty of room. This way she is right with us (important for health reasons) but she has her own space. In the winter nobody needs to bother with plowing and making it looked lived in because, well, its our garage! LOL
The only thing is though, which we told her, is she would have to pay for the renovations. We don't have that kind of money to fix it up. We thought that was fair. It would be cheaper than her buying a place or renting one every year for however long.
Here's the issue....she thinks though it will be hers to do with. So if she decides not to come up anymore, then its hers to do whatever with. So if she rents it out, its her income. You get the idea.
What we are doing is providing a possible place for her to live. We are the ones who will see an increase in our tax bill, we are the ones who lose our garage, workshop and pool room and so on. Also, we aren't going to charge her anything. The water and elec will filter thru us so we will actually end up paying more monthly while she is living here.
Soooooooo how would you work this? What type of arrangement and agreements should be put in place?
I know this is long, but I'm very interested in your opinions because everybody here really has some great thoughts and ideas.
Thanks for sticking with me!!!

P.S. A condo isn't an option because the only ones around here are 2 story and she needs single floor living.

 

[Serena]

Where on earth does she get the idea that it's hers? Yes, you are building it for her, but she does not get the option of renting it out. It's your property, you are doing this to benefit her as it is.
She cannot rent out something that isn't hers to begin with.

I think I would make a list of options for her, the costs, the problems, the benefits, etc. Making the conditions of the renovated apt clear, and then let her decide what she's wants to do.
Also make clear that your hubby will not be taking care of two homes. If she choses to buy or rent a place, she will have to figure out and pay for someone to take care of it.

 

[GoofItUp]

Could you possibly take out a home equity loan, renovate it yourself, and then charge her rent for the 4 months/year she's there? Or, pro-rate the rent over a 12-month period so it will work out to make your loan payments? This way there would be no question regarding who owns it; she'd just be a tenant and you could still utilize the space the other 8 months/year.

Good luck with it!

 

[Kimberle]

Wow! I think that is a wonderful, loving idea!

Have you gotten a quote for the renovations? I don't think it's to much to ask her to help with the cost.

I'd have to assume you'd put in a bath. I'd also suggest putting in a mini kitchen, small fridge, microwave, small stove if you can swing it. That way, she'd be able to fix herself a light meal.

The only other thing I'd suggest is agreeing on some "ground rules" at the start. Do you want her to come into your home whenever or whould you prefer she knocks, etc. Whatever makes your family comfortable.

I'd also look at this as an investment. Unless your MIL is very young, there will come a time when she's unable to keep up the traveling. Then the room will be yours. Perhaps at that time your child(ren) (if you have any) will be ready to start flying the nest and could use the space as a first apartment. Plus, it will add to the resale value of your home.

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Kimberle
Wow! I think that is a wonderful, loving idea!

Have you gotten a quote for the renovations? I don't think it's to much to ask her to help with the cost.

I'd have to assume you'd put in a bath. I'd also suggest putting in a mini kitchen, small fridge, microwave, small stove if you can swing it. That way, she'd be able to fix herself a light meal.

The only other thing I'd suggest is agreeing on some "ground rules" at the start. Do you want her to come into your home whenever or whould you prefer she knocks, etc. Whatever makes your family comfortable.

I'd also look at this as an investment. Unless your MIL is very young, there will come a time when she's unable to keep up the traveling. Then the room will be yours. Perhaps at that time your child(ren) (if you have any) will be ready to start flying the nest and could use the space as a first apartment. Plus, it will add to the resale value of your home.

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Kimberle
Wow! I think that is a wonderful, loving idea!

Have you gotten a quote for the renovations? I don't think it's to much to ask her to help with the cost.

I'd have to assume you'd put in a bath. I'd also suggest putting in a mini kitchen, small fridge, microwave, small stove if you can swing it. That way, she'd be able to fix herself a light meal.

The only other thing I'd suggest is agreeing on some "ground rules" at the start. Do you want her to come into your home whenever or whould you prefer she knocks, etc. Whatever makes your family comfortable.

I'd also look at this as an investment. Unless your MIL is very young, there will come a time when she's unable to keep up the traveling. Then the room will be yours. Perhaps at that time your child(ren) (if you have any) will be ready to start flying the nest and could use the space as a first apartment. Plus, it will add to the resale value of your home.

The garage is detached from the house and it will actually have a living room, full sized kitchen, full bath and 2 bedrooms. So it would be an actual apartment.
We haven't gotten a quote yet, I still have to call the town to check ordinances.
A home equity line isn't an option at this time and if we did it that way she would actually be insulted if we charged her rent.
We thought it was a good solution for her, but my DH got the impression she thought that we were doing it for our own interests (because later on we could make money from it whether in resale value or rental) She doesn't see our scarifice in doing it.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I would absolutely refuse to allow your garage to be rented out to strangers. It may even be against code. Many municipalities will allow you to build an inlaw apartment, but you can't rent it out to the general public. I commend you for even suggesting this as an option for your mother-in-law. It would never work for mine. I agree with those that say that you should find a way to pay for this yourself and charge her rent to offset the cost. If she's as controlling as she appears to be from your post, I would not allow her the power to hold this over your head.

Another option might be a seasonal RV park. Do you have those in your area. We have a lot of them, but then again I live in a summer tourist area. Some of the travel trailers out there are really nice and fairly reasonable. Many people rent a site for several months in the summer. It may not work in your case, but it's something to think about. If your mother-in-law is anything like mine, I would put as much distance between the two of you as is possible.

 

[dianeschlicht]

You need to have someone else explain to her that since the property is deeded to you, she has no rights to it as income property. I think you need to come up with some concrete numbers of what a renovation would cose, what someone living there would do to your utility bills etc, and any other recurring costs you will incur, like increased taxes etc. Sometimes, having someone who is somewhat official, but not personally involved will help her see the legal and financial aspects of the arrangement. I think having a place for her when she is there is a great idea. Perhaps, if she pays for the renovations, you can convince her how much she is saving over a different kind of purchase, or worse yet, a rental. If she decides NOT to come north, and you rent it out.... perhaps you could share the rent with her until her investment is recovered.

 

[Lisa F]

Can she financially afford to swing rent in your area? I mean, is your objection that she is paying rent at all or that she has meager savings and will quickly run out of money if she does that?

If she can rent on her own, I would just stay out of it, regardless of how smart or stupid you think it is to pay rent. Paying rent is NOT necessarily "throwing your money away" in spite of what she has told you. It definitely has a time and a place and in her situation, it sounds like a good option. Property prices are super high right now but the rental market has gone really soft in most areas so she should have her choice of apartments, maybe even for less than you think, and often for less than the cost of owning (especially when you take into account maintenance costs.)

It really sounds like she is used to being somewhat independent and having her own place and just doesn't "get" that she will be living in your place even if she pays for the renovations. Unless she requires your personal care or can't afford any other option, I would stay out of it and consider it money well spent for the sake of your sanity if your inheritance is a bit smaller because of it!

 

[phorsenuf]

Originally posted by Lisa F
Can she financially afford to swing rent in your area? I mean, is your objection that she is paying rent at all or that she has meager savings and will quickly run out of money if she does that?

If she can rent on her own, I would just stay out of it, regardless of how smart or stupid you think it is to pay rent. Paying rent is NOT necessarily "throwing your money away" in spite of what she has told you. It definitely has a time and a place and in her situation, it sounds like a good option. Property prices are super high right now but the rental market has gone really soft in most areas so she should have her choice of apartments, maybe even for less than you think, and often for less than the cost of owning (especially when you take into account maintenance costs.)

It really sounds like she is used to being somewhat independent and having her own place and just doesn't "get" that she will be living in your place even if she pays for the renovations. Unless she requires your personal care or can't afford any other option, I would stay out of it and consider it money well spent for the sake of your sanity if your inheritance is a bit smaller because of it!

Her renting would not be good because it is very expensive in this area (if she can even find something now at this late date) and it wouldn't be good for her financially. Plus since its a short term rental (4 months) its real high! We are not in a big city so they are hard to come by if at all.
Also, because of her health if she is not on the ground floor that would be a problem.
And she would do nothing but complain about EVERYTHING!!!!! The bed is too hard/soft, the furniture is too worn, oh I made a big mistake.......you get the idea....
She is not used to being independent and that is the problem. her DH did EVRYTHING, he was kinda controlling so she has never had to do anything on her own. I know its probably time for her to learn but she already made a huge mistake in the house she bought down south. She's too flighty.... I know that probably sounds mean, but I really think she is having some mental difficulties and like I said, her health is failing and we feel she should be right nearby.
I did call the town and we are zoned for 2 family so that's not a problem.

 

[danacara]

I agree with the poster above me ... this is a loving idea, but it has so many potential pitfalls and stressors for you ... far better for her to get her own rental and have her own space. You absolutely know that:
1. with her neurosis, anything she doesn't like about the apartment will be your fault, and you will hear about it every day;
2. It will be tough to fully insulate this garage in New Hampshire, and I bet with a cement floor (as I assume it has) your gas bills will go through the roof - or electric bills, even worse, if you have electric heat - the utilities will be an issue here;
3. This is a LOT of TOGETHERNESS ... and four months of her coming in and out at all hours of the day could grate on you eventually, even with a fantastic relationship;
4. She will ALWAYS see it as hers, especially if she pays for the reno, and if you rent it out or even allow others to occupy it for free, she will see it as her sacrifice and resent you for it;
5. Do you really want your inheritance from this woman to be her "leaving your house back to you?" Because that's what she'll do, and if your husband has siblings, they will come out ahead. You may not mind, but this has the potential to create ill will between your husband and his siblings.

 

[Lisa F]

I guess I just never understood the way people suddenly treat their parents like children when they get older. I've seen it happen time and time again, even in my own family. So what if she will pay a premium for a rental? If she can afford it, it's her money and her decision. That's the tradeoff that she is willing to make in order to have the best of both worlds (presumably to be in NH during the summer and in the south the rest of the year).

I agree with danacara that if she is the type to NEVER be happy, you do NOT want to put yourself and your family in the position of being the ones making her unhappy. You may not agree with her decisions and they may not be the ones that you would make, but as long as she is not putting herself into a position to run out of money before she passes away making herself a burden on you eventually, I would stay out of it. There has got to be SOME seasonal rental in your area that is on the first floor and would meet her needs.

IMO you are just asking for trouble by going halfway on this... either you can afford to convert the garage and take her in, no money asked, or you cannot. By asking her to pay for the renovations, you are saying that you would rather have her give you the money to improve your house rather than "throw her money away" by giving it to a stranger. If she is of the mind that she is NOT throwing her money away by giving it to you to renovate your garage than obviously she feels like she is making an investment in your property and entitled to ownership privileges. If she does not get any return on her investment or other ownership privileges, then she might as well be paying rent elsewhere rather than forking over a large amount of cash to you.

At least in the latter you are not involved in it, nor are you to blame for any unhappiness she might have. Even if you think that she has not made some great decisions in the past, she is an adult and they are her decisions to make. I know when you love someone you want them to make the best decisions for themselves but sometimes you just have to let people live their own lives.

 

[Ragmop]

I also agree with the above...what if you make all these renovations and she decides she doesn't want to live up north for 4 months of the year? Then you are stuck with an apartment.

I'd let her rent for at least the first 2-3 years before making that sort of drastic decision. Besides there's no way a renovation would be ready for this year.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

I have to agree with other posters here....it sounds like a huge potential landmine and headache. Just from what you've said, it seems like a no-win situation; she'll feel taken advantage of if things don't go her way, and you'll feel the same if you cave to her view on how the arrangement should work.

Perhaps you can help her get situated in a community not to far from you. I'm going to assume you live near the MA border, since NH generally has a very low cost of living. Perhaps you can check around Manchester or Concord; Concord is actually a very lovely town with all sorts of services and conveniences, and many retirees.

 

[MosMom]

I wouldn't think twice about building my MIL an apartment but my MIL would take it and be grateful. She would probably insist on at least paying her part of the utilities...

From the way you describe your MIL, she sounds like nothing will please her, she will be ungrateful for what you are doing, will not hesitate to whine and complain about her displeasure, and generally drive you insane.

I can't believe she suggested that you were trying to do this for your own benefit! She has no place to live and is suspicious of you trying to help her. I would say "You either do this, or pay rent".

Let her make her own adult decisions. If she doesn't want to do this YOUR way, then she can pay $1200 per month in rent. Period. Don't take pity on someone who is being rude and ungrateful.

 

[Sandy V.]

I agree with everything Lisa F. said. It just sounds like there are way too many "strings" attached to having her pay for the renovation. Either you can swing it, or a rental is the best way.

Good luck in whatever way you decide to handle this. Unfortunately, she sounds like a very tough person to please, and I forsee some real "boundary" issues unless you spell out the ground rules before she comes to your community to live.

 

[Kimberle]

Another thought, could you defray the decision for a year?

Let her come up and find somewhere to rent the first year. Tell her you'd like to remodel the appt, but just can't afford it this year. You *may* be able to afford it next year.

If she has to find a place to rent and do everything herself for this first year, maybe she'll come around and be more appreaciative....... maybe..........

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Ragmop


I'd let her rent for at least the first 2-3 years before making that sort of drastic decision. Besides there's no way a renovation would be ready for this year.

This is the best solution, imho. Yes it is expensive but a trial run needs to happen prior to making life altering decisions.

 

[MinnieMe2]

We've had some elderly parent issues in our family, too. My sister and her husband offered to let Dad and his wife pay for the cost of adding a new in-law wing to their house. At first, this sounded great. BUT because my sister's is the oldest house in our town, they insisted that the addition would have to maintain the hstoric integrity of the house. To add a livingroom, kitchen, bath/laundry area and two bedrooms was going to cost approximately $200,000. Dad and my stepmother begged off, and my sister and her husband were angry. I didn't care one way or the other, DH was ticked thru the whole process, taking the angle that Jane and her husband were going to wind up with a free home improvement while we got nothing. Jane's girls, of course, were going to use the apartment when the time came. No mention was ever made of my kids. So, overall, I'm glad my inheritance didn't go into my sister's house because the reality is that that's what was going to happen. And Dad and his wife knew it.

Dad passed in January, and my stepmother is in the process of finding another place to live. DH the real estate broker just sold her little house. It went into MLS on a Thursday and the following Monday they got a full-price offer! Grandma is hoping to get into a little apartment that will be a bit closer to where we all live. Rent is high, but it's her $$$$ and her life. If she lives for a very long time, the money may run out, but we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Our place now is to support her in HER decisions, and that's what we're doing.

 

[phorsenuf]

I appreciate everyones replies and I do think that maybe letting her rent the first year might be a good way to go. Then when she fiures out she doesn't like it, it would give us time to come up with another solution. We also have a huge finished basement that we offered her as well as moving the boys down there and giving her her own room (but that's on the second floor).
Our main concern and why we felt it was important for her to be nearby like I said is her health. She is on oxygen, has emphasyma, osteosperosis (sp) and other ailments. My Dh is concerned about her being by herself if something should happen. Yes, she is on her own down there and well, lets just say thats a whole 'nother story!
We don't want to do this for our own financial end gain, I'd prefer not to do it at all. I'd rather keep my garage! LOL
Well, hubby is going to talk to her tonight so we'll see what she says since she's had time to think about it.
What she doesn't seem to understand tho, whether she rents or buys is she can't just breeze up here in 3 weeks and expect a place to be waiting for her. Her "philosophy" lately is "I'll deal with it when the time comes." So, I guess we'll wait and see........