In a divorce what is best advice for a man

[Antonia]

My brother's wife is having an affair. He knows for sure, but she doesn't know he knows. He is crushed and can't think straight. I am the only other person who knows.
They have two girls - elementary school age. What is the best advice for a man in this situation who wants to keep his kids? Get a lawyer now for advice? Keep wife in the dark and hire a private investigator to get more evidence of affair? He doesn't know what to do and I sure don't know how to advise him. I am crushed too. I want to keep my nieces close by - not moved off in some custody decision. Anybody with any thoughts on this?

 

[perd]

I don't have any experience with this, but I think I would hire a private investigator so I had proof, and then when I had proof file for divorce before she knows what is happening - and in the divorce petition ask for custody of the children.

 

[WillyJ]

What a hearbreaking situation!

I'm honestly not sure what course of action he should take; personally I'd say he should go see a lawyer and get some advice so he doesn't do anything that could hurt his legal rights down the road. . .

I hope somehow this all works out for the best Antonia. . .

 

[KimRaye]

Lawyer yes, PI no, jmo.

Why torture anyone else with a PI and, the info possibly recovered? I'm not a lawyer but, I don't think "Fault" is needed to be 'proved' anymore for a divorce. It's hard enough for ALL parties, why lay the blame on just one??

Your brother should probably do exactly what he's been doing with his DD's and, maybe more.

I KNOW there's a lot of personal advice out there for him but, he probably needs some legal advice and emotional support right now, that should take precedence. After that, maybe some more personal stories or experiences would be more welcome for him.

I'm a previously divorced Mom, btw. My ex has joint custody plus lenient extra time with now-teenage DS. It's important for ANY Dad (parent) AND their child(ren) to spend whatever time they can together. Hopefully, of course, everything is amicable, desired and, safe!

I think your brother has some great support, btw!! Let us know how things go for him and your nieces. {{HUGS}}

sorry if I jumped in when I shouldn't have

 

[Jeff in BigD]

I have to disagree with Kim on this point. It's still hard for men to get custody of the kids. We had some family friends go through a divorce (with 3 kids). The wife was having an affair & using drugs to boot. They had to threaten to get a follicle test (to get evidence of the drug use) to get her to agree with giving him custody.

I think he should have all the ammo he can on his side if things get ugly (custody, alimony, etc) & proof of the affair would be a pretty big bullet IMO. Otherwise I think it would be a case of he said-she said & there's a chance he wouldn't get custody. I would talk to a lawyer & hire a PI to be on the safe side.

 

[KimRaye]

Yes it is Jeff and, I appreciate your courteous opinion & your story but, I was trying to leave personal experiences for later since, this seemed soo new for Antonia's brother.

But, since you brought it up, my brother won FULL custody of his DS W/O ANY tests, PI's or, even a lawyer for his EX! The personal tales are just sooo lengthy and, sooo numerous and, soo varied that, I think the first steps are quite a bit more personal and, imo, are not gender-related necessarily. It's about family/personal support, I think, in the beginning. We ALL see the ugliness, eventually and, have to work through and past that.

It's a Highly emotional time. I feel bad for this family's newfound situation.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

I understand Kim, I'm sorry if it came off as slightly mercenary. I can't imagine what it feels like.

I was just looking at it from the stand point of if I were in his shoes, standing before a judge & my main objective was to get custody of the kids (which I gathered was the paramount concern from Antonia's post), I would want every option available to show I'm not the person at fault, the other person broke their vows (I consider an oath to God extremely serious) & therefore aren't true to their word, or at least not the more ethical person of the two.

I'm not saying that he should just come right out & show the proof of her affair & expose her for the slime that she is (though I wouldn't blame him a single bit if he did), but if things get nasty & she tries to prempt his move & claims that he was the one having an affair, it would be beneficial to have proof that she actually was because claiming that she did without proof looks like he's trying to deflect her accusation.

Again, I'm not saying he should go into this with guns blazing, but it's not a good idea to go to a potential gunfight loaded with blanks or without a bullet-proof vest IMO.

Good luck Antonia & I hope your brother will act with wisdom & have many supportive shoulders during this very difficult time.

 

[KimRaye]

Jeff, in order to not side-track Antonia's thread, I'm sending a PM. I enjoy DIScussing this with you.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Okey-doke. I just can't promise a prompt reply. I'm kinda bad about returning PMs & emails in a timely fashion. I know, I know, I'm a bad friend.

 

[Laurajean1014]

He needs to talk (not confront) his wife. He needs to understand why she does what she does, and he needs to understand what he does in the relationship.

They didn't need a lawyer to fall in love, why use one to spread them even further apart?

It won't be easy, but then again, nothing worth having (good health, good finances and good relationships) never are.

Send the kids to grandma's and have them talk. Pray for the best results...

 

[honeywolf7]

If he's totally given up on the marriage, I would suggest that he hire a private investigator (again so that he can have all the ammunition possible.) It may be that even the threat of sharing that information with the court would be enough to get her to back off as long as he actually does have the proof.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Even though affairs are wrong in a marriage, I don't think she would lose custody over that one issue. Your brother needs to talk to a lawyer. Does your brother definately want a divorce or does he want to go to counselling if his wife is willing? Private investigators are a waste of money, IMHO. Money that could be spent in a more constructive way.

TC

 

[GeorgeG]

Go with the lawyer, one who has a good track record with divorce cases. The lawyer will give the best advice regarding an investigator and likely have one that will get what is necessary.

Aside from that, try to keep a good attitude and never, ever say anything negative about the mother in front of the kids. That will make a world of difference years down the road.

 

[Antonia]

Thanks for your replies. It is a heartbreaking situation. I think he has gave up on the marriage once he overheard her making plans with this guy. And she keeps going places with "friends". Barely takes care of the kids - hardly ever cooks for the kids. Once claimed pudding was a meal because it had milk in it. Was too drunk to come home one night after "going out with the girls" and stayed at a "friend's" house. He does take care of the kids when he's home. I just want him to do the right thing to protect him and the kids. He's not sure whether to tell her he knows or wait until he has more ammo like Jeff said in case a nasty divorce breaks out.

 

[PhotobearSam]

Well if she is doing stuff like that...He should get a PI and write down everything with dates and times. If he takes the time to write a Diary, the courts may allow it in as evidence. (It happens here in Canada...I had to use my diary against an employer)

She has obviously not cared how her actions have affected her kids and if they divorce, he needs proof of this if he wants custody.

I would also suggest he puts money asside for the fees so she doesn't get suspicious...I don't think he should tell her he knows.

Just my 2 cents

 

[A kid at heart]

I would have him see an attorney who specializes in divorce and then proceed from there with whatever he will need to gain custody.

 

[ripleysmom]

I agree with the lawyer part but I would suggest rather than a divorce lawyer, he speak to a family law attorney.

That is someone who can give him realistic expectations as to whether he could get custody of his children or not and offer him advice as to what kind of information he would need to gather about her to do that.

I do have to say though that he may wind up having to choose between remaining with his unfaithful wife or losing his children and I think a good family law attorney can also help him to make that decision.

Good Luck.

 

[SeaSpray]

I was going to comment one way, until I read where you said she's come home drunk, fed the kids pudding, and isn't taking care of them in general. Grrr....

Will your brother, realistically, be able to care for his kids 24/7? He's probably a wonderful father, and would make sure he's able to. Whoever said it, was right. An affair alone, does NOT mean a thing, as far as custody goes, in most states. The wife could have an affair and walk right into the home with her boyfriend, in front of the kids and husband, and it still wouldn't mean she'd lose custody.

Now, on the otherhand, the way she's been treating the KIDS, is a major issue here. I believe your brother should immediately speak to a lawyer who will probably advise him to start documenting everything, and all this means is, he should get a notebook and write down dates and things, such as his rotten wife feeding the kids pudding as a meal. Write down the dates and times she comes home drunk, etc. Things that effect the kids DIRECTLY. THESE are the things that can help your brother to gain custody of his kids. She doesn't realize it, but she is setting precedence by the way she is treating her children right now. Or should I say, the way she's neglecting them.

Good luck to your brother, and his kids. I hope this won't be too rough for them all to go through

 

[ByTheSea]

You are hearing one side of the story. I would imagine your Brother is in a lot of pain, very hurt, very angry and often people who find they have been betrayed lash out, possible exaggerating the situation to you.

My advice would be (unless the children are in real danger) for your brother to see a therapist or counselor. He needs to deal with his feelings of betrayal, and he probably needs assistance in determining what it is he really wants. He should seek out someone who has experience dealing with infidelity. It will take time, but rushing to an attorney, or a PI may be something he is not ready for. May just add to his pain and stress. Perhaps if he sought counseling, he could then get his wife to join him in joint counseling and if the marriage is really over, just maybe they can seek an amicable resolution for the sake of the children.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As much as I don't want to say it, ripleysmom hits it on the head. If he wants to raise his girls remaining with the unfaithful wife is unfortuately a realistic thing.
My advice for him would be to NOT focus on her affair BUT to focus on the improvement of his marriage. If he starts spending time with his wife and family she won't have as much time for the affair in question. At the very least I would give this a shot if he wants to stay married and raise his kids.
I probably would tell him to see the family law attorney on the sly and "see" what could be in store for him or what he could do to protect himself and his kids.
So sorry for your friend and his children...it breaks my heart.