Imposing house rules on invited guests

[EsmeraldaX]

never mind. There is obviously no point in arguing. I just really do not understand it at all.

For the record, my unmarried relationship has lasted a lot longer than several marriages of people I know, many more that I don't know, one of the ones I know of which involves children I am close to. One of these children who is old enough at 12 to understand that her moms husband (not her father) was a jerk, has often told me she wishes that her mommy could be in a happy family like I have (and she knows we are not married). We hardly ever argue. We share all household duties. We communicate well. We have never cheated, or otherwise been unfaithful. We are spiritual but not religious people. I do not believe God cares if we sign a paper or ask a priest to bless us. The god I worship wants people to be happy and committed to take care of one another.

My ex-husband sure as heck was not very good at that during our 3 month pointless marriage where he beat me and called me every nasty thing in the book. My friends wife wasn't very good at that while she was running around with his best friend. My other friends husband drinks himself drunk every night while she cries. Are these all marriages? No, of course not. Is my relationship every unmarried long term relationship? No, of course not.

But when you cut out the religious aspect and a handful of legal issues, there is absolutely no difference between my SO & I and my happily married friends on an emotional level and don't you even dare to try and say there is unless you spend a day being me, feeling my feelings and living at my house.

I am done with this thread.

 

[Charade]

I guess I'm baffled by what difference it makes if an unmarried (for whatever reason) couple in a serious relationship sleeps together in your house or in a hotel or their own homes.

You are in essence, passing judgment on their lifestyle whether you realize it or not.

Are you taking the stance that you don't care what they do in their own bedroom but they're not doing it in on of yours?

If anyone has such strong beliefs against this, then don't invite any unmarried couples to spend the night UNLESS you inform them ahead of time.

 

[gina2000]

I really have no problem if a family wants to impose rules within their own home. I do, however, have a problem with people who disregard those very rules when they send their daughter to visit and stay at a home where the rules blatantly differ from their own. If it's a moral or religious issue that prevents the sister from allowing a non-married couple to sleep together in the her home, then the same morals or religious tenets should also prevent them from allowing their child to sleep in a home kept by unmarried, sleeping-together adults. The morality of the stance doesn't change because the locale does.

And I also have a problem with someone not laying the ground rules down when the invitation is issued. Relying on someone else to relay a message that drastically alters arrangements is wrong.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Why? Solid reasons that do not involve your faith vs. my faith or legal documents, please.

For me it is about faith. I respect the fact that you don't have the same faith as it do. That's ok, you aren't coming to stay at my house. More importantly you aren't me.

Marriage is a inward (towards each other) and outer (for everyone else to see, and God) commitment. It signifies a bond (spirital and psysical) and partnership to be a family together (for richer and poorer sickness and heath .........)

I am not expressing myself as well I would like it, I have a sick 3 year old laying on my lap and a baby calling for some attention too. (not to mention no sleep, and a hubby at work who also got no sleep being up helping me care for them.) Not to mention I had to stop writting this a number of times to feed kids, change dipears and read books.

 

[auntpolly]

I guess I'm baffled by what difference it makes if an unmarried (for whatever reason) couple in a serious relationship sleeps together in your house or in a hotel or their own homes.

You are in essence, passing judgment on their lifestyle whether you realize it or not.

If I ask someone to not smoke in my home am I passing judgement on them on them for smoking? I guess I am, in a way, but not because I want to hurt them. Because I don't want people to smoke in my house and I have the right to decide about that in my own home.

I'm sorry if you feel judged, but it you want to bring something into someone's home and they don't approve of it, then you are the one that is being judgemental. You are judging that you are right and they are wrong -- that what they wants is not of importance.

You have a right to smoke. Do you have a right to do it around my kids? You have a right to an abortion. Do you have a right to tell my kids all about it. You have a right to do lots of things, and I have a right to decide which of those things I want brought into my home. You can't just bully your values into someone's home.

You need to be able to accept the fact that not everyone is going to approve of everything you do.

 

[bananiem]

I think anybody who would know me well enough to ask to stay with us would know me well enough to know where I stand.

 

[littleclover]

This has nothing to do with the OP's question. Obviously, a person has a right to ask people to do whatever they want in their own home...

But...

I have to say I am really shocked at how many people find my lifestyle to be immoral. I've lived with my BF for years, and I never have any intent of getting married again to him or anyone else (been there, done that, never need to go there again). I also have no intent of ever being with anyone but him ever again.

We are not wild sex machines, sorry to dissapoint those who think an unmarried long term couple can not "hold off" for a few nights. Um...In fact, and I'm sure this is TMI, we are probably less so than most of our married friends because we get up early, have a long commute, work 8 hours, have another long commute, come home, he makes dinner while I train our dogs, take care of household duties (which are all shared), relax by watching tv and quite frankly by the time we get to bed, we are too tired to be the ravaging love fiends that people seem to think we must be because we are "living in sin".

It's not about sex. It's about accepting that we are not married and never will be. All of the children in our families know that we will never be married and they know we live together and sleep in the same room (except for the ones who are too young to even notice such matters). If you want to raise your child to think that we are horrible, sinful, immoral people than by all means, go ahead. That is your right. But I also have the right to not want to stay with someone who insults me and my morality.

We live in a committed relationship. We are not religious people so for us aside from the legality of signing the papers, we are essentially the same as every non religious married couple we know (except, oddly enough we fight less, and our relationship has outlasted at least two marriages of people I know). Our married friends (and unmarried friends but primarily married since most of our friends are) routinely ask us for relationship advice.

Yes, respect does go both ways. I absolutely respect other people's religions. I get mad when people don't respect other people's religions. But that does not mean I have to be willing to change my life just to stay at your house. I'd stay at a hotel, but I also tend to think that someone who can't accept me for who I am and always will be is going to want me to stay with them anyway and probably would not want to be friends with me.

JMHO.

If there was a standing ovation smilie I would give it to you EsmeraldaX!

 

[disykat]

No one has accused anyone of being sinful or immoral. I don't understand this need for approval everyone seems to have. If you make a decision based on your own belief system, then you should feel good about that and not care what others think.

I have my beliefs even though they offend some. I expect others to have their own set of beliefs. In our own homes we should be able to practice them.

I would agree with those who say "live and let live" but to me that means suck it up and let house rules stand. I have seen a lot of judgemental statements on this thread, but they haven't been from those who think "your house, your rules"!

 

[GoodFairies]

Thanks everyone for all the opinions. My situation is pretty similar to Esmeralda X's, but without the cute dogs. I'm not saying I'll never get married, we just haven't chosen to do that at this point in our lives. I am a very "to each his own" type of person, so my reaction was more of a "whatever" than one of deep offense. But, I did not like that my sister said it to my mom instead of me...to me that is like saying I have morals but I won't say them to your face. Well, I have morals too...they just tend to run along the lines of not killing, not cheating, that sort of thing. I don't think people with religious convictions are silly, but I do think it is silly to pretend something isn't what it is.

 

[auntpolly]

I did not like that my sister said it to my mom instead of me...to me that is like saying I have morals but I won't say them to your face. Well, I have morals too...they just tend to run along the lines of not killing, not cheating, that sort of thing. I don't think people with religious convictions are silly, but I do think it is silly to pretend something isn't what it is.

You're right. It was stupid the way she handled it.
Like I said, I wouldn't make that rule in my house, and I wish everyone was as *enlightened* as me . But they aren't. And I have to figure out how I am going to deal with people I have differences with. With some people, the family connection or the investment in a friendship will help me overlook things. With some, it isn't worth it.

That's the beauty of it. It really is, in the end, in your control. It's sad if we think that someone we love doesn't respect our lifestyle, but that's life's reality. It doesn't change who you are, though. They can't control you anymore than you can control them -- unless you let them!

 

[tiggersmom2]

never mind. There is obviously no point in arguing. I just really do not understand it at all.

For the record, my unmarried relationship has lasted a lot longer than several marriages of people I know, many more that I don't know, one of the ones I know of which involves children I am close to. One of these children who is old enough at 12 to understand that her moms husband (not her father) was a jerk, has often told me she wishes that her mommy could be in a happy family like I have (and she knows we are not married). We hardly ever argue. We share all household duties. We communicate well. We have never cheated, or otherwise been unfaithful. We are spiritual but not religious people. I do not believe God cares if we sign a paper or ask a priest to bless us. The god I worship wants people to be happy and committed to take care of one another.

My ex-husband sure as heck was not very good at that during our 3 month pointless marriage where he beat me and called me every nasty thing in the book. My friends wife wasn't very good at that while she was running around with his best friend. My other friends husband drinks himself drunk every night while she cries. Are these all marriages? No, of course not. Is my relationship every unmarried long term relationship? No, of course not.

But when you cut out the religious aspect and a handful of legal issues, there is absolutely no difference between my SO & I and my happily married friends on an emotional level and don't you even dare to try and say there is unless you spend a day being me, feeling my feelings and living at my house.

I am done with this thread.

Great post Sheri!

BTW - You, Chris, Monty and Dodger can all come visit me and share a room!

 

[bimshire]

No offense meant, but it appears to me that some people have obviously missed that they live in the 21st century

BTW,
do married people 'doing it' produce different noises than unmarried ones. Being married for nearly 12 year I can't remember

Yes, it is the 21st century but the exit polls on the recent election pointed out that the "moral issue" was #1 for voters, not Iraq nor the economy.

 

[MosMom]

I think the "moral issue" was gays & marriage. The big issue wasn't unmarried people living together. It was bigotry in the form of "morality".

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Great post Sheri!

BTW - You, Chris, Monty and Dodger can all come visit me and share a room!

Popping back into the thread for a second to say hello! Monty and Dodger are big babies and they'd probably be afraid of your cats!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years (I'm 23, he's 28) and whenever we go to visit my parents (we live out of state) if we stay at the house we have to sleep in seperate rooms or if we go on vacation we have to pay for our own room if we don't want to sleep in seperate rooms. I always pay for a seperate room for ourselves because I don't feel comfortable sleeping together around my parents (like I'm going to get in trouble! ) But if anyone else invited us somewhere I don't know if I'd be offended anyways, because it would almost be nice to have a whole bed to myself for the night! And no snoring!! When we go to WDW in December we're getting our own room and my parents are getting their own.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Popping back into the thread for a second to say hello! Monty and Dodger are big babies and they'd probably be afraid of your cats!

LOL - I'm sure my kitties (Haze, Casper and Myst) would worm their way into Monty and Dodger's hearts! You and Chris would probably have to add to your "family" when you got back home.......there is nothing like "kitty lovin'"

 

[EsmeraldaX]

LOL - I'm sure my kitties (Haze, Casper and Myst) would worm their way into Monty and Dodger's hearts! You and Chris would probably have to add to your "family" when you got back home.......there is nothing like "kitty lovin'"

Awwww. You have to post some kitty pictures someday. I bet they're so cute. I love their names!

 

[CookieGVB]

Maybe she told your mother that because she thought it's how she would handle the situation.

There's the next question - could you visit your mother and sleep in the same room?

I'm on the fence about this - I can see both points - but I guess I'd either respect the host's wishes, or stay elsewhere.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

This has nothing to do with the OP's question. Obviously, a person has a right to ask people to do whatever they want in their own home...

But...

I have to say I am really shocked at how many people find my lifestyle to be immoral. I've lived with my BF for years, and I never have any intent of getting married again to him or anyone else (been there, done that, never need to go there again). I also have no intent of ever being with anyone but him ever again.

We are not wild sex machines, sorry to dissapoint those who think an unmarried long term couple can not "hold off" for a few nights. Um...In fact, and I'm sure this is TMI, we are probably less so than most of our married friends because we get up early, have a long commute, work 8 hours, have another long commute, come home, he makes dinner while I train our dogs, take care of household duties (which are all shared), relax by watching tv and quite frankly by the time we get to bed, we are too tired to be the ravaging love fiends that people seem to think we must be because we are "living in sin".

It's not about sex. It's about accepting that we are not married and never will be. All of the children in our families know that we will never be married and they know we live together and sleep in the same room (except for the ones who are too young to even notice such matters). If you want to raise your child to think that we are horrible, sinful, immoral people than by all means, go ahead. That is your right. But I also have the right to not want to stay with someone who insults me and my morality.

We live in a committed relationship. We are not religious people so for us aside from the legality of signing the papers, we are essentially the same as every non religious married couple we know (except, oddly enough we fight less, and our relationship has outlasted at least two marriages of people I know). Our married friends (and unmarried friends but primarily married since most of our friends are) routinely ask us for relationship advice.

Yes, respect does go both ways. I absolutely respect other people's religions. I get mad when people don't respect other people's religions. But that does not mean I have to be willing to change my life just to stay at your house. I'd stay at a hotel, but I also tend to think that someone who can't accept me for who I am and always will be is going to want me to stay with them anyway and probably would not want to be friends with me.

JMHO.

I never said there was anything wrong with your lifestyle--as that would be the pot calling the kettle black.

It has nothing to do with insults or immorality or whatever....I "own" my child until she is 18--after 18--she can do as she pleases, but I hope that how I raise her to know what is best for her does rub off of her a little when she makes her grown up decisions. In my home--I wish to honor what we feel is the best for her...when we go to others homes, we have no intention of saying--"can we stay over...but we can only do that if you, the hosts, sleep in separate rooms" That would be rude to have such a "holier than thou" attitude.

I am not raising my children to say that these are good people b/c and these are bad people b/c. I am raising her to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong and how can she best make her choices to know that she is doing the right thing. It doesn't make us better than anybody else--but we are exercising our rights to raise our children as we see fit. And if that means houseguests have to sleep differently than they do at home if they are not married...then so be it. If I had so much of a problem with it in the first place, then I would be rethinking my association with whomever these guests may be.

It is all about respecting your hosts--and if you have an expectation of your host that they simply cannot fill for whatever reason--then you have to respect that. I don't understand why such a simple topic regarding hosts and their "house rules" can turn into such a debate over couples and their life choices.

This is not a debate about what is moral and what is not...nor is it about judging...it is about whether a host would be comfortable with something you do in your own home but they prefer not to be done in theirs.

Simply change the subject to "smoking inside someone's house", bringing in "nut products" when they have a family member who can die from exposure to one little peanut, Expecting you can watch PPV on their tv sets without asking. In any case--I bet most here would defer to the host if the host did not wish any of these things to take place.

 

[wfloyd]

After reading most of this topic, I would say that anyone who we invited to stay in our house would know us well enough to know how we felt on topics. I would say that if the home owner had some house rules, that all people would be expected to abide by them. The owners may or may not condem whatever lifestyle it is, but they have a reason to want certain things. For this reason, the guests should abide by them.

When DW and I visited relatives when we were dating, it was understood by everyone that we would stay in separate rooms. We didn't mind as we wouldn't have been in the same room anyway. We knew what the host felt and if it had been a problem then we would have stayed somewhere else.