Imposing house rules on invited guests

[bananiem]

My opinion on this has changed over the years. When we were young newlyweds and had unmarried friends come to stay we always let them stay in the same room. Frankly, space-wise it worked out better because we only had one spare room.
However, now I have children. My BIL and his fiance live together. But when they came home for Christmas at the in-laws they stayed in separate rooms, even though space was at a premium. There were 6 kids ages 4-12 and for the older ones especially who are just starting to figure out sexuality, I would prefer that the kids learn that there is a lifetime commitment before sex. Currently, because of their age and my hope that they will wait until at least 18 before making the the decision to have sex, I prefer that couples be married when staying in my home in one room.
Once the kids understand sex and emotional commitment vs. adolescent yearnings my view will change. As far as I'm concerned some "rite" with an excange of rings or being named sole benefactor in a will or life insurance policy will suffice.

 

[Charade]

If I remember right, back in the old days, didn't they use a bed board placed between unmarried (or not even a couple) people who slept in the same bed when visiting because it was too cold on the floor or the barn?

I guess I really don't see the problem. These are adults and your sister should be able to teach her children the difference between an adult relationship (married, unmarried, straight or gay) and a minor relationship to her children. Does your sister not cuddle and snuggle with her husband in front of the kids?

But I would be ticked off if I were informed of those "house rules" once I got there. I would have opted for a hotel room if I had known ahead of time.

The other odd thing is what is your sister teaching her kids about YOUR relationship when your not around? What would she tell them when you decide to stay at a hotel instead of her house?

And for parents that wouldn't let their married children sleep together when visting..... that's nuts.

When you have a guest in your home, you should make them feel as comfortable as possible but not have complete run of the house. And they should respect your wishes as well but once the bedroom door is closed, mind your own business (unless they are causing a disturbance )

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I would prefer that the kids learn that there is a lifetime commitment before sex.

And you can have a lifetime commitment without marriage. We do. I can pretty much guarantee you that barring one of our deaths or him killing my family or something equally horrific, our reltionship will continue to be just as committed (in some cases moreso, as I mentioned I've seen friends get married and then divorce in the time we've lived together) than a marriage for the rest our lives.

And why does everyone equate sleeping in the same bed with sex? I still don't get this. Haven't you ever slept in a bed with your spouse/so/ or even shared a bed with a friend for lack of space without having sex?

 

[auntpolly]

LOL maybe I'm getting so old that I can't remember what it's like to be separated from the one I love <i>for even a night!!!!</i>

So you are all saying, that it's just silly , it's obvious that it's silly, and that my Aunt Sarah can just get over it. Period. Your comfort comes before her sensiblilty and she's a crazy old bat anyway.

(Or my sister is a crazy oppressed young woman, anyway.)

I guess if it's that important of a point that you have to make, you gotta do what you gotta do!

 

[Charade]

My opinion on this has changed over the years. When we were young newlyweds and had unmarried friends come to stay we always let them stay in the same room. Frankly, space-wise it worked out better because we only had one spare room.
However, now I have children. My BIL and his fiancé live together. But when they came home for Christmas at the in-laws they stayed in separate rooms, even though space was at a premium. There were 6 kids ages 4-12 and for the older ones especially who are just starting to figure out sexuality, I would prefer that the kids learn that there is a lifetime commitment before sex. Currently, because of their age and my hope that they will wait until at least 18 before making the the decision to have sex, I prefer that couples be married when staying in my home in one room.
Once the kids understand sex and emotional commitment vs. adolescent yearnings my view will change. As far as I'm concerned some "rite" with an exchange of rings or being named sole benefactor in a will or life insurance policy will suffice.

As was stated before, what if they are gay? What if they are like Sherri and never going to be married?

Ok then what happens when the lifetime commitment dissolves?

I think that we should be able to teach kids to differentiate between a casual and non adult relationships and long term commitments between adults (both straight and gay) who may never get married (regardless of the laws).

How far to you take this? Suppose your sister, brother, divorced/widowed father/mother where in a committed relationship and living together but not married. Would you not allow your children to stay overnight at their house because they slept in the same bedroom?

 

[Charade]

So you are all saying, that it's just silly , it's obvious that it's silly, and that my Aunt Sarah can just get over it. Period. Your comfort comes before her sensiblilty and she's a crazy old bat anyway.

 

[bananiem]

And you can have a lifetime commitment without marriage. We do. I can pretty much guarantee you that barring one of our deaths or him killing my family or something equally horrific, our reltionship will continue to be just as committed (in some cases moreso, as I mentioned I've seen friends get married and then divorce in the time we've lived together) than a marriage for the rest our lives.

And why does everyone equate sleeping in the same bed with sex? I still don't get this. Haven't you ever slept in a bed with your spouse/so/ or even shared a bed with a friend for lack of space without having sex?

Like I said in my post once the kids understand the difference between adolescent lust and emotional maturity it's different. A 12 year old just learning about sex is going to put 2 and 2 together. At that young age I don't want them to think it's OK for them to have sex with anybody unless there is the commitment of marriage. Then, as I said in my post, when they are older and can understand (and have had a few boy/girlfriends) the difference between a passing fling and adult commitment I have no problem with the couple being in one room.

 

[Beth76]

Let me get this straight. It's ok for the neice to sleep at your home when you are babysitting where I know you aren't sleeping in different rooms? But when you come to her house, you have to sleep apart?

It's one thing to never agree with a lifestyle, but to "allow" it when it benefits you???? Sounds like a double-standard.

ITA. In this case it seems as if the sister is "making a statement" and trying to press her values into other people because "it's her house". Children are not idiots they know when "Aunt Jane" and her boyfriend "Richard" are living together. What difference does it make where they're sleeping. It really makes me wonder why, if people think this behavior is so immoral, they are associating with these people in the first place.

This goes along with the gay/lesbian couple that someone brought up. I'm sure that people who would impose this rule on friends, don't have gay friends.

 

[auntpolly]

It must be nice to have things so figured out for other people! But let me just say, you wouldn't sleep with your unmarried SO in my Aunt Sarah's house and live to tell the tale!!!

 

[jrydberg]

My house, my rules. Your house, your rules.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Like I said in my post once the kids understand the difference between adolescent lust and emotional maturity it's different. A 12 year old just learning about sex is going to put 2 and 2 together. At that young age I don't want them to think it's OK for them to have sex with anybody unless there is the commitment of marriage. Then, as I said in my post, when they are older and can understand (and have had a few boy/girlfriends) the difference between a passing fling and adult commitment I have no problem with the couple being in one room.

I just don't understand. So you don't think a 12 year old can understand that two adults in their late 20's early 30's who have been together for 5+ years and have no intent of ever marrying but plan to stay together for life are an adult commitment?

My 12 year old neice understands it. My SO's 9 year old neice understands it. (she asked)

I guess we just have to disagree and call it a day...

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I'm really liberal about this kind of stuff. When I lived in a house with tons of roommates we let some guy live on the sofa for a few months. He was down on his luck. My mom assumed that he was one of our lovers, for some strange reason. She was always harping on that! It was so annoying. He was just some guy sleeping on our couch!!

Live and let live!

 

[NMAmy]

I just have one question for those that want to know why unmarried couples don't want to just suck it up and sleep apart for a couple of nights. If someone told you that you couldn't sleep with your spouse, how would you feel? I'm just curious. Either way, I'd stay in a hotel instead.

I've been married and I've lived with my spouse before we were married. Actually, with both my ex and my DH before marriage. DD knows this...she was living with us when my current DH and I were living together. I don't think that DH and I were morally wrong nor does dd--she knows that I'm not the kind of person who sleeps around and she knows that when she's older, I don't care if she lives with someone before marriage. My beliefs and those of my family may be different than yours. No one in my family or DH's family insisted that we sleep apart. We were in a committed relationship and everyone was fine with that--no judgements at all.

 

[bananiem]

As far as my BIL and his finace, they chose to sleep in separate rooms when they were home for Christmas. Probably to make my in-laws more at ease.
And although I knew several people who were gay in college I don't currently have any friends that would come to stay here with a gay partner. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
But my question is- Why does the GUEST in my home get to decide what I'm comfortable with, given the ages of my children?

 

[auntpolly]

My house, my rules. Your house, your rules.

Apparently not! Apparently we all just have the right to "be comfortable" wherever we go! This is actually very liberating! Those old manners were a bit restricting, anyway!!!

 

[auntpolly]

I just have one question for those that want to know why unmarried couples don't want to just suck it up and sleep apart for a couple of nights. If someone told you that you couldn't sleep with your spouse, how would you feel? I'm just curious. Either way, I'd stay in a hotel instead.

.

I don't know -- maybe I'd get a good night's sleep for a change????

Seriously though, one night...? I think I'd live without him for a night. And the reason for why we needed to sleep in separate rooms? If it was at my batty old Aunt Sarah's house, it wouldn't matter. She's my elder. I respect her home.

 

[bananiem]

I think my opinion comes from this. We have one family member who ever comes to stay that wasn't married before us. So the kids have obviously known everybody to be married, except for the one uncle. Now, he's 10 years younger and has had a variety of girlfriends come and go. I'm trying to teach my kids that they need to have a real, emotional, 2-way commitment before having sex. So if the uncle shows up with numerous girlfriends and sleeps in the same room with them it's kind of the opposite of what I've preached. Does that make sense? And even though he's engaged now and she's a great woman, I'll believe it when I see them sign the paper.
Now as in Esmerelda's case...if she had been in a committed relationship as long as my kids knew her, then yes I'd probably let them stay in the same room.
But if somebody is going to come to my house with a different person each time...I'll gladly look into hotels for them.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

But if somebody is going to come to my house with a different person each time...

Exactly. That is a totally different ballgame and I agree with that.

 

[DisneyPhD]

You know this sort of thing kinda hits home for me and I'll tell you why. Due to my spiritual beliefs I feel that you should not engage in pre-marital sex no matter what age you are. I would not allow an unmarried couple to sleep together in my home. Not because I have small children but because I find it morally wrong. I don't pretend to be the 'moral police' for the world, or anyone, actually but I do feel I have the right, even the responsiblity, to try to control the things that go on in my home. But because I know there are plenty of people in the world that would find seperate sleeping arrangements to be a burden or plain unacceptable I would not be offended in the least if they chose to stay somewhere else. And I would hope that they understood my position well enough and liked me well enough to still come and spend daytime hours with me and my family.

Also, although I am not sure I would make the same choices as the OP's sister I can see the point in allowing my dd (when she was small, she's grown now so the point is moot for real life in my case) to spend the night with an unmarried couple and yet not letting that same couple spend the night together in my own home. The point is that I find it morally wrong so I don't allow it in my home but I allow others the right to make their own moral decisions. I wouldn't be trying to shield my dd from knowing people that aren't married have sex, I would be trying to show her that we each have a right to make the decisions about what goes on in our own homes. Just like I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my home but I would go to a smokers home and visit and not think twice about it.

Thank you for posting this. I agree

Myself, my hubby and my family does belive that sex is for marriage, not just long term relationships. I am aware this is an old fashoned view point at this day and age, but this is our family vaules. I do admit I tend to get more old fashoned about this as my kids mature.

Knowing it happens outside your house, and not passing judgment on that person is different then accepting it and allowing it in your house.

I do belive there is a difference between married couples and adults in commited relationships. I want my children to know my opinon on this and what happens in my house shows my view on it.

 

[auntpolly]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this (obviously! ) and I think the issue goes deeper than we've been taking it.

If a situation like this comes up with a friend or family member and it's a real problem, I think you would want to resolve it before you stay at their house anyway.

I mean, do you really want to make someone you love uncomfortable? And I'm speaking about both sides. Would you want to stay in a house when you know you've made everyone else uncomfortable? Would you want to be a host to people you know you've made very unhappy? (If you answer yes to this I really don't think you're even trying to be a friend.)

You need to talk about this with the person and come to some kind of compromise. If you are against unmarried people sleeping together under your roof, you should try to find another place for them to stay if they are your guests. And if you accept an invitation knowing how your hosts feel, you are obliged to respect their wishes.

THis doesn't need to be a battle if there is communication. That being said, if it is your 80 year old aunt - don't torture her with your crusade! Just suck it up and hope that when you are the same age someone will do the same for you!!!!!