I'm Scared for my son to Drive!!

[Scrappy_Tink]

my 18-year-Old son finally got his driver's license....it's not that we were holding him back or anything, he just really had never shown that much interest in driving. When he finely started saying he wanted to get his license (at 17) we got his permit immediately, but there were no driving classes offered at school. There's so much you do when you drive, that's second-nature, that you don't even think of teaching them, until you get into a particular situation. i took him out driving twice, and that was it for me....by the end of the second time, I was afraid I was having a panic attack, his driving was so scary!!

Sooooooo, me and DH decided to pay for driver's school, which was the best thing in the world, I think we could have done. It gave him so much confidence, and at the end, they actually gave him his driver's test, so all we had to do was go to the DMV and show a few papers and now he has his license!!

I've drove with him to his work, because I usually need my car, and I'm still so nervous riding with him (though in fairness, he seems to be a mature and responsible driver), but he's still so inexperienced. Otherwise, he has to take public transportation (we are really blessed to live in a city big enough that they offer public transportation, but they don't run after around 6:00 pm)

TODAY he is driving himself to work for the very first time. I just want to grab his big old long (he's 6'3") legs and yell "Don't gooooooooooooo!!!!" I know I need to let him go, and he's an adult, but I'm so afraid of him getting hurt. I'm so proud that he found himself a nice "starter" job (Courtsey Clerk at King Soopers), and he's got such a good head on his shoulders.

How do I get rid of this irrational fear of him getting himself hurt? I don't care about my POS car. I just want him to be safe!! I'm really not one of those parents that cling to their children and don't want them to grow up, but i'm really having issue with this!! I'm sure with the more he drives, the less my anxiety will be, but until then it's really got me on edge.

Any other parents out there that had this problem...and how did you cope with the fear?

 

[SC Minnie]

DD17 has been driving almost 2 years. When she first started driving alone she had to text or call when she got to her destination and do the same when she was leaving. It was more for me to know she go there OK and that she was on the road. If she didn't make it home in a certain amount of time I could panic.

Its not easy to let them grow up.

 

[padams]

I have 16 yo who is driving and I have not conquered the fear yet. He's a good driver. He had to take drivers ed to get his license at 16 in our state. The issue is not him, it's me. Hoping others have helpful advice.

 

[kimmyann]

Shortly after my DD (16 at the time) got her license she got into a major accident & totaled her care. (her fault btw) I did not allow her to drive for a long time after that & when she did start driving again I was scared to death that I would get a phone call again. She is now 20 & has yet (knock on wood) to have another accident. As time went on, & the more she drove, the less I worried. Sorry, it just takes time, but it does get better.

Experience is the only way he will learn to be a better driver. I think it helps that he is 18 also. The rule now in our house is that my other two kids will not get their license until they are 18. After what we experienced I just don't feel 16 is quite mature enough handle it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My oldest is almost 21. She got her license on her 16th b-day. I will update you when the fear is gone.

 

[Katy Belle]

DS16 has been driving solo for 4 months. Im not scared constantly, but any new situation does scare me. Our road is under construction and it changes nearly daily, that scares me. Experience is what makes us better drivers, let him drive.

 

[shortbun]

my 16 yo has little desire to drive. He also doesn't want to take the inclass drivers classes so he says he's waiting until he's 18. He's a good driver, he's just not motivated and somewhat nervous. Three of his four best friends will have their licenses by this summer. One of them fell asleep at a stop light while driving with his mother in the car. Oh dear!

 

[DVCLiz]

The fear is there at first, but it does go. When my older daughter got her license, I was afraid for a few months, then gradually I noticed I was not nervous unless she went somewhere new. The first few times on the highway were scary for me, but then I realized I was no longer thinking, "Oh my God, she's driving on the highway!" Just naturally feeling the way I would if any family member was driving somewhere - did you get there OK and that sort of stuff.

When my younger daughter got her license I thought "there is no way in the world I will EVER feel comfortable with her driving. Much less on the highway!" But it did happen - she has had her license for two years now and I feel they same way about her and her sister - I hope they have a safe trip but I am no longer afraid just because they are behind the wheel of a car.

It just takes time, OP - you will reduce your anxiety every time he drives safely and soon - or maybe later, but still it will happen! - you won't be nervous about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

my 18-year-Old son finally got his driver's license....it's not that we were holding him back or anything, he just really had never shown that much interest in driving.

Wow! 2 years worth of errands you could have been sending him to do instead of you!!!

You'll stop worrying about your son when your grandchildren start to drive

 

[bumbershoot]

You could always get him another round of lessons. Because of my late birthday for my grade, my school lessons would be AFTER i got my license. My mom bought me a round of professional lessons, then after I had the license I got the school-based ones. We all felt that that was VERY good at giving me experience and more knowledge, and I've never been in an accident with someone where it was my fault or avoidable, or in an accident that was more than single car. (lessons don't teach your car how to fly when you're boxed in and a van merges into you, nor did my lessons teach me NOT to EVER swerve to avoid a smaller animal...that lesson had to be learned with experience)

Or plan a long trip this summer with LOTS of driving, and have him do a lot of it. That's how DH got some serious experience, when he and his dad did a cross country drive.


Before I say what I'm going to say next, know that I grew up in driving either the classic car whose main benefit was that it was nearly a tank, or the POS Pinto station wagon, so I know very well what it's like to drive in an older car, and I totally understand if doing anything else isn't possible. But you said you don't care about your POS car, but want him to be safe...is it at all possible to get a car that has perhaps more safety features so that the car itself keeps him a little bit safer? That might ease your mind a tiny bit.

 

[willowsnn3]

Wow! 2 years worth of errands you could have been sending him to do instead of you!!!

You'll stop worrying about your son when your grandchildren start to drive

But then you'll have to worry about them driving
I live with my dd & my 17 year old grandson. Grandson got his license over a year ago & I still worry about him. Both my dd & I work at a driving school tho so he never gets away with anything when we are with him. He also had to take classes & driving lessons to get his license at 16.
When he's out at night, he knows he always has to come let me know when he gets home.

 

[lustergirl]

I can totally relate. I was the one who took my now 18 year old to get his permit. He drove on the way home and I was a nervous wreck. I walked into the house, got a bottle of vodka out of the pantry and had a shot. That calmed my nerves

 

[giantstoindy]

I understand how you feel. Driving at times seems so easy but you really have to be careful. I have been unfortunate enough to know four teens who have passed in the past two years (both of which involved speeding on highways). My heart goes out to their families! I definitely believe never getting distracted and being a defensive driver is the only way to safely drive.

 

[LisaR]

DD17 has been driving almost 2 years. When she first started driving alone she had to text or call when she got to her destination and do the same when she was leaving. It was more for me to know she go there OK and that she was on the road. If she didn't make it home in a certain amount of time I could panic.

Its not easy to let them grow up.

This is what we have done with DD. It made me feel better to know she was leaving someplace and she should be home in X amount of minutes before I needed to panic. She hasn't had her license for a year yet (this August) and it is getting easier but I do worry. It is even harder when I go someplace and some idiot cuts me off or does something stupid. My thoughts immediately go to DD and I wonder how she would handle that scenario. Why do we need to let them grow up so soon?

 

[Dan Murphy]

I can still vividly recall when son Vince drove off alone for the first time, about 18 years ago. Now he drives fire trucks to fires and ambulances to rescue calls.

 

[Scrappy_Tink]

Thanks for the stories and advise. My car is old (1998), but it's a Honda CRV and is pretty solid. Im with the poster that said they had a shot of vodka the first time they took their kid driving. When I took Jake out, he hit a curve too fast, going over railroad tracks and I saw my life flash before my eyes.

Also the poster that suggested adding some more training....I had actually thought of that. The driving school he went to was really good, and they did a LOT of hands-on driving. I asked the instructor about extra in-car training, and they told me it would be $100 per 2 hours one-on-one...which really isn't that bad. During his training, they actually picked him up at the house, with another student, and they did 4 hours training between them for two sessions, and did night-driving, city driving, and freeway driving. They also took them out to some large dirt area and taught them how to slam on their brakes and try to come out of a swerve. (they also said to hit the dog in the road if they can't stop, not swerve!)

I think I'm just getting more nervous about things like this as I get older...my first son, we had JUST got a "Safe Driver" pack from State Farm, where you log in your driving hours, and after so many hours, they reduce your insurance. Well, we were in the Walmart parking lot going home, and he puts the car in drive, instead of reverse, and rams into the car in front of us, hard enough to push the other car into the middle of the lane. (thank God,not into any other cars) Did I mention the other car was a BMW? My poor son was more upset than I was, and I think it's one of those things that will remain engrained on his brain every time he puts a car into gear.

Anyway, thanks again for your encouragement and ideas. I told Jake to text me when he got to work, and told him to be really careful. He said "Mom, if you're really worried, we can put GPS tracking on the car, so you know where I am". How many 18 year olds would be willing for parents to know where they are, just to ease their minds? I wouldn't have!!

 

[Feralpeg]

My daughter was in college before she got her license. I did the same thing, OP. I tried to teach her myself and just couldn't do it. I was so nervous and she ended up in tears each time we tried. I hired a school and they took her to the DMV where she passed first try.

I am still scared each time she goes someplace. It is unreasonable. She is an okay driver. She is also not a very confident driver, which doesn't help.

The reason it took her so long to decide to drive was because two of her friends died in a car accident. They were just 16 years old. It was very hard on her. Maybe, it was harder on me that I realized at the time. I am hoping that someday, I won't be afraid each time she gets behind the wheel.

 

[Cindy B]

My 17 son got his license in January and just got his job this week.

He has taken the car to other errands and such but I understand where you are coming from. He has also picked up my daughter from school.

This summer he is taking some college courses so he will be driving to campus and back.

 

[Shmily1]

My DB died in an auto/train wreck when he was 17. He was not at fault as there were no signs or crossing arms/lights for this track and never saw the train coming. When DS22 and DD21 started driving, I was terrified. Contrary to what DH wanted me to do, I took each of them to the track when I was teaching them to drive and explained how important it was to me that they stop at the track and pay close attention. They understand.

DS22 drives like a granny, DD21 drives like a race car driver. She hit a deer when her Mustang was new (as in 2000 miles) and totaled the front end. I was in Daytona and was terrified when she called screaming on the phone. At that point, all I could think was thank goodness she's screaming! The worst call was at 2 am from the state patrol. I'm just glad he started with "Mrs. xxx, I'm officer xxx and I have your daughter...." Evidently, they don't like it much when you go 85 in a 55 at 2 am and are out past the midnight curfew for your age.

Anyway, I figure, I'm in for this fear everytime they leave the house. Now that DS22 is away at college and I never know when he's off driving, it's not so bad on me with him. I'm still terrified every time DD21 leaves and now she usually has DGS2 with her. Double the fear for me there!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

DD21 drives like a race car driver. She hit a deer when her Mustang was new (as in 2000 miles) and totaled the front end. I was in Daytona and was terrified when she called screaming on the phone. At that point, all I could think was thank goodness she's screaming! The worst call was at 2 am from the state patrol. I'm just glad he started with "Mrs. xxx, I'm officer xxx and I have your daughter...." Evidently, they don't like it much when you go 85 in a 55 at 2 am and are out past the midnight curfew for your age.

My dad had a friend with sons who were leadfoots. His cure was to buy them an actual race car so they could get their aggression out on the track while wearing a helmet & firesuit, and protected by a rollcage. Claims it worked

I nearly got hit by an Amtrak at an unsignaled crossing when I was 19. Also didn't realize the danger. It's an important lesson. I'm also planning a wooden crosses "tour" for my daughters when they start driving. We'll stop at each accident site & talk about what went wrong and what could have been done differently.