I'm Probably Just Being Petty...

[RUDisney]

When we adopted our kids, I didn't send out announcements because I didn't want to make people feel obligated to give us a gift. Besides, everyone already knew about them. People came out of the woodwork giving us things for them... just like I do when a friend has a baby or adopts a child. Well, alot of people, but not any of my Dad's siblings... not even any cards of congratulations.

On Friday, we get an announcement that my cousin is graduating from HS. They live in ID, so we only see them every so often and now that our grandparents are dead, we'll probably see them even less often. So, now I'm torn. Do I send him a check to acknowledge his graduation or do I do the same for him as his parents did for my kids? I've acknowledged everything else that his brother and he have accomplished over the years.

It just amazed me that people whom you'd never expect to give you things when your kids arrive do and those who are related to you don't. It's sort of like when you go to everyone else's wake but when your relative dies, their relatives don't come to your families' wake. Do you go to the next one?

I understand that I was raised to be generous and my Dad's family wasn't. My Dad admits that we got this from our Mother. When does generosity turn into plain foolishness?

 

[Wagamama]

I would just send a nice card with a simple but sweet message.

 

[nativetxn]

Well, this is what I do, I send a congratulatory card. If you truly do not have a special or close relationship with this young person or his parents, then just send him a Hallmark card or something.

You could always tuck a $10 phone card inside if you feel that a gift is expected

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm not sure what you are asking. Amongst the people I know an announcement is not a solicitation for a gift, it's just a card announcing an event that is usually sent out to all the same people that are on your Christmas Card list.

I sent out nearly over a hundred cards when the baby was born and didn't expect or receive gifts from 98% of those people. I did get a few congratulatory cards or phone calls in return.... I get several High School Grad Announcements every year and usually only buy gifts for a couple of kids.

 

[binny]

I dont think youre being petty, I was in a similar position but on the other end.

When I graduated from HS my parents asked me to send out announcements to their friends and people I hadnt seen in 16 years. I didnt even really remember them. My parents said it was a matter of etiquette. Some of them sent a nice little gift and some sent cards, both were great as far as I was concerned.

I agree with Wags, a nice card is sufficient

 

[TEENEE]

I would just send a card.

 

[jfulcer]

Just a few thoughts:

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You should give gifts to friends/relatives based on what YOU would want to get/give. The fact they neglected to send anything about the adoption has no bearing, especially since you didn't send out announcements for the specific reason you didn't <i>want</i> to make people feel obligated to send you something.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by jfulcer
Just a few thoughts:

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You should give gifts to friends/relatives based on what YOU would want to get/give. The fact they neglected to send anything about the adoption has no bearing, especially since you didn't send out announcements for the specific reason you didn't <i>want</i> to make people feel obligated to send you something.

You've summed up my dilema. I don't want to get into a spitting contest about who gave what to whom, but I also don't want to be played to be a fool. If they didn't believe that they were close enough to us to acknowledge our event, is it wrong of me to only send a card, or nothing at all.

I guess I'm most perturbed about this part of the family, because I've put them up in my house when they've come into town, I've let them use my car so they didn't have to rent one, etc. I got no thank you card for my hospitality, and no formal acknowledgement of our kids. They DID meet them last May when my GF died. I don't like to see someone's kid for the first time without at least pulling out a dollar, or five, for the child, if I'm caught off guard without a real gift. They didn't even send a free e-card.

So, does sending something teach my cousin generosity and to do the right thing when he's older? Or does it just label me the sucker?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Be played for a fool?

If you honestly feel that way about your family members then I would suggest not sending anything. Life events shouldn't be an excuse to keep lists on who gave gifts.

This is what happens. Your kid becomes a Sr. and brings home an order form from Jostens or some company. The parents order a couple hundred announcements and sit the kid down with a pen and their address book to send them out. Pretty much the only people using it as a money making scheme is the company who sells the announcements to all those suckers....err parents.

Unless your family is far far different from the people I know, they won't even notice if you don't send a gift. I doubt if they have a tally sheet in Excel that they are using to keep track.

If you feel that strongly about it, then don't send anything.

 

[RUDisney]

Toby'sfriend, you're right. Most announcements, I wouldn't think twice about... but this is my Dad's family... otherwise known as "takers." We were raised to be different from them. Not purposefully, like, don't be like them.... but subtly... be kind to others, do unto others, hard work will reward you in the end, etc.

I usually don't keep score, so to speak, although, I DO make sure that if someone comes out of the woodwork to acknowledge something that happens in our lives, I make sure I'm more cognizant of paying attention and acknowledging what happens in their's.

It just hit me out of the blue when I got the announcement that I never hear from these people unless they want something. Will writing a check for $25 kill me? No. But would I be sending it for the right or wrong reasons? If it's for the wrong reasons, then I shouldn't send anything. Man, a conscience is a horrible thing sometimes.

 

[disykat]

I don't consider an announcement a solicitation for a gift, but it sounds like your family does - and that announcements are usually sent to the whole family. Could it be then, that they were waiting for an adoption announcement from you before sending a gift and felt slighted when it didn't come?

 

[RUDisney]

Putting it that way, Disykat, they probably thought, "phew, no announcement... no present."

 

[mamamia]

maybe they didn't send you a gift because they were either waiting for your announcement or maybe they thought you would have some kind of party honoring the adoption and would have sent a gift then. That's what happened when my DH's cousin had a baby. He was Jewish and she was Catholic but we thought they would at least send out announcements or call or have a little party - but they had nothing so I never sent anything. Then when the baby was 2 mos. she had a cold and it went into RSV. The baby was hospitalized and put in ICU. Another cousin called us when that happened and I sent a get well card. I felt funny though that I had never sent a gift when the baby was born, especially because a few months later we invited them to my son's Communion. At this point it was too late to get a gift, so I figure when the baby turns 1, I will send something.

 

[robinb]

I think you're expending too much Pixie Dust on this one. I like the idea of sending a card with a cheap phone card stuck in. It will make you feel better.

 

[chris1gill]

I think what I'd do is send a nice card & no check!

 

[piratesmate]

It's not his fault that his parents don't send gifts. Sending him something isn't the same as sending something to the parents. Since you've always acknowledged all his major events up to now, I'd probably still send something. This would also be the last time - until the wedding, though.

I have to say that I like the irony of sending a phone card - maybe he'll use it to call to thank you . . . . . but don't hold your breath!

Deb

 

[Tiiiigergirl]

RUDisney are you sure you are not writing my story?! Except that mine are my inlaws it is almost the same situation. From this particular family when we adopted our son----Nothing! Not even a card or call. But I did get the announcement in the mail when their oldest graduated from college just a couple of days ago. I'm going to send a small check with a handwritten note. I just hate spending the money on a card. The check might be larger but they have seven children and my husband is one of nine children. I just can't afford to spend a small fortune! I just figure I won't let their actions dictate mine and if I'm being played for a fool then I'm a fool with a good heart. (Or try to have one!)