I'm not happy and it's a really stupid thing

[OceanAnnie]

I think I'd be more miffed at the person that set that up. It just has an "air" about it that stinks.

 

[Robinrs]

She is in Washington, DC, this group is in Georgia (her husband is in the military).

OOOOhhhh.... thanks!

 

[OhMari]

It took a lot of courage to post about this Tina.
Just want to give you a cyber hug.

 

[lillygator]

I think I'd be more miffed at the person that set that up. It just has an "air" about it that stinks.

That is a really good point. I would be willing to bet the single mom probably sees it as a double date kind of thing where the men may be oblivious to what it looks like, it’s not a situation that the friends husband and wife should have put either of them really.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you all for the replies. I haven't talked to my husband yet but I will. I trust him completely and that is my bottom line. He has lived and worked with women since the beginning of our marriage when he has been 10k miles away and in really close quarters. It boils down to my trust in him and his trust in himself and our marriage.

Tina, your DH knows that you are not comfortable so I doubt he will put himself in this situation again. Don't let anyone scare you, Your relationship is one that most people would love to have in their own marriage.

 

[Va-bear]

Read this again!

I totally agree. No, I don't think your feelings are stupid but it seems clear here that you have nothing to worry about. It sounds like the 2 guys will be hanging out and the 2 women. They are going to dinner and a concert - where to my knowledge it would be pretty difficult for anything to happen. I would not be worried unless I knew my husband and this woman were hanging out alone on a regular basis.

I agree.

If you trust him, you trust him....
Dont put him on the defensive about this. Heck, dont you have male friends? Would you be mad if he didnt trust you?

I go out w/ males friends frequently and DH trusts me 100%... I'd be angry if he didnt.

Doesn't matter if there is an even or odd number of people (some have said the grouping of even people was bad..)...this is an odd distinction to me -he could have an affair if he was with a gorup of 5 or 7. The point is you trust him, he deserves it, and you shouldnt worry if he's given you no reason to worry.

ps - I _do_ think it is normal to think about it some...we ARE only human, but in our society we really need to trust our mates more... many seem to push them away with all of this mistrust. He's a great guy and you are a great couple - he'll be home soon and you more for believing in him.

 

[mrsklamc]

but in our society we really need to trust our mates more... many seem to push them away with all of this mistrust.

My DH's father is a marriage counselor and he says it's the reverse. It's the couples who never think it could happen to them that end up having trouble with infidelity, the paranoid ones that don't.

That said I agree that OP has expressed on many threads how great her DH is and I'm sure nothing is going on. However, if it makes her feel uncomfortable he shouldn't do it in the future anyway.

If I could type better right now I could share numerous stories of DH being OBLIVIOUS to women coming onto him, objectively too because we were friends for YEARS before we became a couple.

 

[kidshop]

Thank you all for the replies. I haven't talked to my husband yet but I will. I trust him completely and that is my bottom line. He has lived and worked with women since the beginning of our marriage when he has been 10k miles away and in really close quarters. It boils down to my trust in him and his trust in himself and our marriage.[/QUOTE

I know you miss him. I'm another military wife whose dh is away. This is not a 'date'. I'm thinking this woman would be going out with the friend and wife whether or not your dh was there. They included him in their night, and that is ok. It's ok if you feel jealous too. I hope you feel better soon!

 

[GoodFairies]

What I am getting at, is that she has every right to feel this way!! It's not stupid! If my husband was gone, and he was telling me about all the fun things he was doing with other people, I would be very upset!! I am not saying he's cheating on her, that's not what I was saying and I should have put that in my first post. That actually didn't even come to mind. But there are certain ways and conversations that military couples talk to each other so that their relationship stays healthy and secure. If my hubby was telling me about all the fun family things he was doing for someone else's family, and about the fun things he was doing like going to a concert and dinner... I would feel very left out and lonely. That is what I am getting at. She's right to let her feelings show through and not deny them. That's what the red flags are - HER FEELINGS!

It was very nice of her husband to help out the single mom... but when your DH is far away, and you are left out .... its OKAY to feel this way and not deny it. Its normal! From one spouse to another... you have to reassure each other just so you know everything's okay.

This is not one of those : I think my DH is cheating on me threads. This is about having every right to miss your hubby and be jealous that his fun time is being spent with other people and not yourself.

You can't deny your heart. If you heart is hurting, you need to talk about it!

Having friends and keeping busy is a good thing. But if she misses him and her heart is hurting, she needs to let him know about it. How else is he supposed to figure it out? He is a man, after all.

Sorry, but I just disagree with you. She can't do anything with him because she's about 800 miles away. Look back at some of the cheating spouse threads here and you will see immediate red flags. There is not a single red flag about a group of people, 2 who happen to be married to each other, going out, not even if it happens 2 weeks in a row. And, as much as I doubt this is considered reassuring - think about this. He is that far away and telling her his plans. If he really had the inclination to cheat, why bring it up at all, it's not as if the wife would likely find out as they are so far apart. Like I said, not necessarily reassuring, but let's apply a bit of logic here.

The flag flying overhead is just about as high and red as it's going to be!

Really? Sorry but this is not what a rational person would see - only someone who is extremely immature about life and relationships, or someone overly suspicious of everything because of things that happened in their personal past. This is understable of course, but it's not the least bit helpful.

Look it's natural to feel jealous that he's away and someone else gets his time. But it's not the first time, and it won't be the last. If he's given you no reason not to trust him, then stop worrying. All I can say is it's pretty obvious when someone is cheating or going to cheat. There are many signs. This isn't one unless there's been a long line of them.

 

[OK!]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the input.

Someone mentioned jealous of his time and you are so right. I am jealous that he is spending his time with others when we do get so little together. I was jealous that he was decorating someone else's house when I was struggling to do our house.

He does know I'm not thrilled with it but I also do trust him and don't want him just staying in his room. He told me that he was glad I told him I'm not happy with the situation and if I wanted he would leave the phone on speaker the whole night so I could be there too lol. That's a great husband.

Aww... I don't blame you for feeling how you felt. I'd probably have felt the same way, no matter how much I trusted my husband.

 

[terri01p]

Well great glad he's so flexable like that and see's nothing wrong with this situtation, now maybe you can have a friend or two come over and help YOU with YOUR lights.

 

[surfergirl602]

Thank you all for the replies. I haven't talked to my husband yet but I will. I trust him completely and that is my bottom line. He has lived and worked with women since the beginning of our marriage when he has been 10k miles away and in really close quarters. It boils down to my trust in him and his trust in himself and our marriage.

 

[TurboKitteh]

It says a lot that you recognize you're feeling jealous over this and can talk to him about it.

I think you have nothing to worry about.

 

[AlleyKat]

The flag flying overhead is just about as high and red as it's going to be!

Really? Sorry but this is not what a rational person would see - only someone who is extremely immature about life and relationships, or someone overly suspicious of everything because of things that happened in their personal past. This is understable of course, but it's not the least bit helpful.

Coming to the conclusion that someone is "extremely immature" and/or "overly suspicious" after reading their one line statement of opinion is quite telling in and of itself!

 

[Liberty Belle]

It's not stupid, Tina. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. You don't get near enough nights with your husband and I can understand why you're angry that a random woman is spending the time with your husband that you should be spending.

Hang in there, my friend. Do you have a girlfriend you can go out with tonight? I wish you were still here in Kentucky. I'd take you out, my treat.

 

[Texa]

It's not stupid, Tina. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. You don't get near enough nights with your husband and I can understand why you're angry that a random woman is spending the time with your husband that you should be spending.

Hang in there, my friend. Do you have a girlfriend you can go out with tonight? I wish you were still here in Kentucky. I'd take you out, my treat.

What she said. Do something nice and entertaining for yourself tonight. A movie or a good night out with the girls.

 

[Va-bear]

My DH's father is a marriage counselor and he says it's the reverse. It's the couples who never think it could happen to them that end up having trouble with infidelity, the paranoid ones that don't.

That said I agree that OP has expressed on many threads how great her DH is and I'm sure nothing is going on. However, if it makes her feel uncomfortable he shouldn't do it in the future anyway.

If I could type better right now I could share numerous stories of DH being OBLIVIOUS to women coming onto him, objectively too because we were friends for YEARS before we became a couple.

Often there are two (opposing) schools of thought on most any mental health issue (or any issue really). I know the one I've read a fair amount about and seen in action often enough to believe for myself, is that if you treat someone (especially children, but applies to adults too) with mistrust you acheive mistrust, treat them with anger you get anger, treat them violently, you grow a violent person, etc. etc. He's shown himslef to be a great guy w/ a great gal - trust him.

But, to be clear, I never said to believe it could 'never happen' to her - I dont believe that for myself, or anyone - but he has never given her any reason to mistrust him....innocent, and treated as such, unless he does something to lose her trust.

Hey, Tina, come to Richmond, we'll go out and have a BLAST!!!!

 

[mrsklamc]

Well, and paranoid is probably too strong of a word. He would just say to be vigilant NOT to put yourself in the kind of situation OP's husband is going to be in.

That said, I am certain that OP and her husband have a strong marriage. I just don't think it's a wise situation to have ongoing...

My DH feels very strongly about loyalty and not cheating, truly one of the most trustworthy people you could ever meet. Because of that, when we were dating he could NOT see how one of his co-workers was hitting on him, even to the point of her moving into his same apartment building and then walking to work in the mornings only to be too 'tired' to walk the few blocks home, and taking 'smoke breaks' with him even though she never smoked unless he was around?!?!?

(P.s. he quit- I wouldn't have married a smoker.)

He also told his HS sweetheart of 3 years to get a date for homecoming because he couldn't come home and he didn't want her to be alone- she ended up sleeping with the guy. Situations intended to be innocent on all sides can go downhill fast. Best not to go there.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Tina, I would feel the same way that you do. It's Friday night and this creates the "appearance" of a double date. Chances are your DH is a hell of a nice guy and doesn't see it with a woman's eyes. God bless him, but he needs to get a clue.

I hope that your husband is receptive to your message and that you two are able to communicate clearly regarding this.

I so very much appreciate you and your husband for the service that you BOTH do for our country. Even though you don't really know me at all you have a special presence on this DIS and my heart hurts for you when you are sad. I will be thinkning of you tonight. God bless.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Hi Tina. My dh is an army reservist and is away for a few weeks, weekends, etc.. every year. He went to Iraq and will be leaving for Afganistan in a couple of months.

I have a great friend who invites me out when he is away with her fiance and his best friend. The four of us go out and I promise you it is 100% innocent, platonic and he has never stepped out of line or alluded to it. It is nice to not be the 3rd wheel. Actually, having the friend around allows me and my girlfriend to chat more and for her fiance to have a guy around to talk to.

It is absolutely not a date and shouldn't be called that.

I am sure it is a similar situation, and it will be nice that your dh can go out and not be lonely. I know it's difficult but I would try really, really hard to not be upset about it.