I'm GIVING you this so take it and be grateful.... have a relative like this?

[Mermaid02]

My Mother is ALWAYS giving us stuff- whether we want it or not.... and her attitude is "I'm GIVING it to you....." and while it's nice to offer it... we dont' always need it, want it or have room for it. But if we say no, then it hits the fan.

It's causing problems between my dh and myself..... lots of time I take it and wait a few weeks and then throw it away. I'm afraid if I take it to GoodWill she'll find it.....

How do I make her see that just because I don't want "the stuff" it doesn't mean I'm rejecting HER.

 

[disykat]

I think a lot of people feel that way about gifts. She thinks when she is giving you her old stuff, she is giving you a gift.

 

[Robinrs]

She sees it as a representative of her love. If you reject it, you reject her. How hard is it to just accept it and smile? If you have to get rid of it do so but don't ever let her know. And don't throw it away, give it away on Freecycle or to a charity, someone can possibly use what you don't want.

Hugs to Mom! She means well.

 

[handinpocket]

She sees it as a representative of her love. If you reject it, you reject her. How hard is it to just accept it and smile? If you have to get rid of it do so but don't ever let her know. And don't throw it away, give it away on Freecycle or to a charity, someone can possibly use what you don't want.

Hugs to Mom! She means well.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This reminds me of the time my MIL gave us a comforter. We already had a comforter we loved so we decided to put it out at our yard sale. And guess who shows up that day for an unexpected visit? You guessed it. I saw her look right at it, and I felt badly.

Your mother probably enjoys shopping for you and it gives her something to do. It's probably best to be gracious and then give it away to charity - preferably one far from home. (DH often takes stuff to a drop off box near where he works.)

 

[Ephany]

My mother is awful about this. Thankfully she lives across the country, so I can toss it or give it to Goodwill without her finding out. She'll spend $25 on priority mail to send stupid stuff like avon chapstick and old clothes of hers. I've tried talking to her and my dad, and while he agrees and tries to intercept boxes, stuff sneaks through. She's convinced that I need these items, even though she knows we're trying to declutter and get rid of stuff.

I've actually got a box almost ready to send back; for some reason she sent my sister's prom dresses to me. I didn't attend any of my HS dances, and she knew when she sent them out they belonged to my sister, but she decided I just had to have them. My sister really wants them and they live right across the street from each other, so it's safer to send the box to my sister via my mom since she's home during the day. I've already mentioned it to her, and she was peeved. She wanted me to have them, but they weren't hers to give away.

So I guess I don't have any idea on how to help, although I thought many times donations to Goodwill went to other stores, I could be wrong though. I try to be very considerate when offering stuff and emphasize that if the person I'm offering to doesn't want it, that's ok. If they can't use it, I certainly can understand the need to not have excess clutter around.

Edit: Freecycle is a great resource, we've had lots of luck finding new homes for items we couldn't use. I've also used craigslist occasionally, they have a free section. Good luck!

 

[minniebeth]

I've definately been in this situation before many times. I've learned it's just easier to take it with a smile and say thank you and then hold onto it for awhile and then find a good home for it. I've done battle a few times and as I look back it wasn't worth it.
Now my mom is in a nursing home and her house is sold and all her belongings gone and while I did get many treasures, there are some things I wonder where they went. Things I never wanted before but long for now. Perhaps just a way to hold onto her, I guess.

You could always explain to her that while you do not have a need/room for something, you know someone who would love it? That might fly if she knows someone really wants it/could use it. Maybe?

Best wishes, I know it can be a sticky situation!

 

[okeydokey]

My FIL is like this but the stuff is usually old crap that we will never use. I can't imagine why he thinks we would want his old junk. My MIL tells me to feel free to take it to Goodwill if we want. The funny thing is that he transports it from PA to FL when they come to see us. The stuff sits in the garage or gets hauled off to Goodwill once they leave.

 

[Mermaid02]

Sometimes I feel like she gives us stuff just because she can't bear to throw anything away...... so she sends it to my house and I throw it away. There are hoarding tendencies on her side of the family and I am determined to not get caught up in that.

 

[Robinrs]

Sometimes I feel like she gives us stuff just because she can't bear to throw anything away...... so she sends it to my house and I throw it away. There are hoarding tendencies on her side of the family and I am determined to not get caught up in that.

If she was truly a hoarder she would not give it away. Being a hoarder is WAY deeper than giving and keeping. If you're afraid of it or are aware of it you can avoid it. In the meantime, try not to make something this small become a issue. I have no issue with givers, I DO have a problem with selfish people, the exact opposite. I have BOTH in my family and I prefer the givers to the keepers ANYDAY.

 

[shortbun]

What d'ya mean, 'it's causing problems between my DH and myself?" What could possibly make him care? I don't get that at all. My husband would just laugh and say, 'another contribution from your mother?'

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This reminds me of the time my MIL gave us a comforter. We already had a comforter we loved so we decided to put it out at our yard sale. And guess who shows up that day for an unexpected visit? You guessed it. I saw her look right at it, and I felt badly.

Your mother probably enjoys shopping for you and it gives her something to do. It's probably best to be gracious and then give it away to charity - preferably one far from home. (DH often takes stuff to a drop off box near where he works.)

Aww...that is what cured my mother of buying me stuff.

OP I would say no to my mother. But then again stuff would not hit the fan. And even if it did, so be it. But I don't let people control me, I retrain them.

 

[minkydog]

Sometimes I feel like she gives us stuff just because she can't bear to throw anything away...... so she sends it to my house and I throw it away. There are hoarding tendencies on her side of the family and I am determined to not get caught up in that.

DING DING DING! We have a winner~

My mother does the same thing & it's *exactly* because she is a hoarder. She can't bear to let go of anything, so if she "gifts" it to someone it's somehow not the same as letting go. The thing is, if you accept her "gift" she expects to you keep it, use it the way she intended, and never let it go unless you give it back to her or one of our siblings. How is that a gift, mom? She has given the kids things with the admonishment that when they are done with it they are supposed to pass it down to their cousins. I have had to talk to her several times about that.

Once a gift is given, the giver no longer has any control over it and that person is free to take care of the gift any way they want. I have gotten so if my mother "offers" me something with strings attached I gently refuse it. Her strings have too many conditions and I refuse to let myself be caught up in her hoarding madness. Possessions don't mean the same things to me that they do to her, which is why you can walk through every room in my house and from the front door to the back door without needing a map for the "rabbit trails."

 

[ZachnElli]

My mil use to be like this. She'd give us things she didn't want anymore and we didn't want it either. If you tried to give it away and she found out, she'd get so mad! But she gave us total crap usually. She'd give me statues and call them antiques, once she did that and I turned it upside down and it was made in 1971 and I said "am I an antique too? Because I was born in 1971!" My fil was standing there and we both started laughing! I was in my 20's at the time. She's finally stopped doing it, she was just spending too much time at garage sales buying junk, giving it away to her kids and then getting mad at them when they got rid of it. I think she finally gave up!

 

[Mermaid02]

If she was truly a hoarder she would not give it away. Being a hoarder is WAY deeper than giving and keeping. If you're afraid of it or are aware of it you can avoid it. In the meantime, try not to make something this small become a issue. I have no issue with givers, I DO have a problem with selfish people, the exact opposite. I have BOTH in my family and I prefer the givers to the keepers ANYDAY.

I said hoarding tendencies.... her sister is the worst... she NEVER throws a magazine away......

What d'ya mean, 'it's causing problems between my DH and myself?" What could possibly make him care? I don't get that at all. My husband would just laugh and say, 'another contribution from your mother?'

He's tired of taking care of her garbage..... Plus sometimes she gets sneaky and gives it to our son.... try getting it out of HIS hands.

DING DING DING! We have a winner~

My mother does the same thing & it's *exactly* because she is a hoarder. She can't bear to let go of anything, so if she "gifts" it to someone it's somehow not the same as letting go. The thing is, if you accept her "gift" she expects to you keep it, use it the way she intended, and never let it go unless you give it back to her or one of our siblings. How is that a gift, mom? She has given the kids things with the admonishment that when they are done with it they are supposed to pass it down to their cousins. I have had to talk to her several times about that.

Once a gift is given, the giver no longer has any control over it and that person is free to take care of the gift any way they want. I have gotten so if my mother "offers" me something with strings attached I gently refuse it. Her strings have too many conditions and I refuse to let myself be caught up in her hoarding madness. Possessions don't mean the same things to me that they do to her, which is why you can walk through every room in my house and from the front door to the back door without needing a map for the "rabbit trails."

I am an only child so I get all of it.....

 

[Mermaid02]

I want to add- I love my Mother. I don't know what I would do without her. BUT she has always been pretty good at the emotional blackmail... she's very passive aggressive..... I'm 42 years old and I ought to be able to say, "Gee Ma- I really have no use for that old blender... I already have a blender." without being dragged through the ringer.....

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes you should, but sometimes, when it comes to our mothers, we have to stay quiet and do what's necessary to survive.

I'd take the stuff, thank her and donate it. If she asks about it later, it broke or you loved it and wore it so much that you wore it out or your friend borrowed the book or it's at the cleaners.

Sometimes these little white lies make life much easier.....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I want to add- I love my Mother. I don't know what I would do without her. BUT she has always been pretty good at the emotional blackmail... she's very passive aggressive..... I'm 42 years old and I ought to be able to say, "Gee Ma- I really have no use for that old blender... I already have a blender." without being dragged through the ringer.....

You can say that if you want. You have to learn that this is not about you. She is a control freak, plain and simple. She uses blackmail on you because it works. In other words this is the technique she uses in life.

If you say no and she goes off, she goes off. Retraining a control freak is a hobby of mine. Well, OK, not a hobby but I find it fascinating the way they try and manipulate people.

I imagine that your DH is tired of the emotional toll she takes on you & the drama he has to listen to. Your frustration with her is normal to be honest.

Now giving you stuff is really not a big deal. You can take it and then throw it away before you even bring it into the house and end the "stuff" drama" right then and there.

If there are other things that are weighing you down with her then that is another matter entirely.

So maybe do a little passive aggressive thing of your own and throw it away and don't bring it in the house to begin with. You can even have a hammer and go "Office Space" and destroy the item. Sounds a little crazy, however one of these days she may just tip the scales.

It may not be the healthiest way to handle the situation however it is probably the route that has less drama.

Does that make sense?

 

[tinker&belle]

DING DING DING! We have a winner~

My mother does the same thing & it's *exactly* because she is a hoarder. She can't bear to let go of anything, so if she "gifts" it to someone it's somehow not the same as letting go. The thing is, if you accept her "gift" she expects to you keep it, use it the way she intended, and never let it go unless you give it back to her or one of our siblings. How is that a gift, mom? She has given the kids things with the admonishment that when they are done with it they are supposed to pass it down to their cousins. I have had to talk to her several times about that.

Once a gift is given, the giver no longer has any control over it and that person is free to take care of the gift any way they want. I have gotten so if my mother "offers" me something with strings attached I gently refuse it. Her strings have too many conditions and I refuse to let myself be caught up in her hoarding madness. Possessions don't mean the same things to me that they do to her, which is why you can walk through every room in my house and from the front door to the back door without needing a map for the "rabbit trails."

That is similar to my mom. We get 'gifts' all the time. She is a hoarder.

 

[kellyg403]

Its hard sometimes in these types of relationships. Only you know what you can deal with, what you can control etc.

I know my mom is one of those people that is constantly reminding me that she needs three years to plan something but she herself never does. She gets all cranky if you don't have everything in writing days/weeks ahead of the event. But her? She can call you the day before something and expect you to drop your whole life. I used to do that. Now, I just tell her I am sorry I can't make it blah blah. She has gotten better. It will never be perfect because she is who she is. I just changed my reaction to the frustration she places in my life. The hardest part was worrying about offending her...cuz I always do. Now, its taken time but if I know I have not done anything offensive...even if she says I did...I don't let it worry me.

I also would just take it, drop it off somewhere and make an excuse when she asks if she ever does. But, that is my personality. No need to make waves about something so insignificant to me. Ad for your dh? Well, honestly if your dh is part of the problem and not part of the solution, you should talk to him about that. Its just as easy for him when the box comes in the mail to pitch it or let your mom know, thanks but we don't have a use for it. Just can't be an issue IMHO.

Its a hard thing..loving your mom..feeling the frustration. Just have to decide like with kids sometimes, what battle is worth fighting and what isn't.

Kelly