I'm At My Wits End... What Should I Do? Overbearing Friend Strikes Again...

[AKL_Megs]

Thanks everyone. Don't know if I want to end it totally, because when she is normal, we have such fun. I am really confused. I'm going to to read everything here and figure out a way to put my foot down without ruining our friendship... If that is possible.

 

[AKL_Megs]

But this person is taking it to a whole new level. It is beyond friendship. She's borderline stalking her if she is pounding her with text msgs as soon as she sees her. This is why she is asking for advice. Some people are not as blunt and forceful. We expect grown adults to know where the boundaries are- we shouldn't have to draw them. We shouldn't have to explain to other adults why I don't want to go shopping today, etc. Much like when my SIL ignored her kids when they were at our house. I shouldn't have to parent her kids (pouring powder candy in my carpet, and no SIL didn't offer to clean up- that's just one example).

This is DEAD ON.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Answer the door completely nude. Do it every single time. If she knocks tell her "One minute- I'm just taking my clothes off!"
I bet that will cut down on visits.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Can you describe what you mean by 'such fun'????

Seems to be a very mixed message here.
Maybe we need a better understanding of what is going on.

Personally, people who ignore personal boundaries are one of my big deals, and I couldn't imagine this type of person being somebody that I would want to have a real friendship with.

What you have posted so far sounds needy, juvenile/middle school, controlling, (not really normal) etc...

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: in my experience, I don't think anything like Asberger's is what we are seeing here. I have known a few people like this, including one in my own family.... and, in these cases, it isn't Asberger's, it is more of a mix of other issues.... needy, bipolar, anxiety, emotional fragility, etc...

 

[scrapbookworm]

She probably is very fun...as long as you are doing what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. Isn't that a characteristic of a controlling/manipulative/narcissistic type of person?

If it has gotten to the point that instead of looking forward to her calls, alarm bells are going off in your head, then you KNOW that something is amiss.

Tell us, do you call her up to go shopping or have a drink? If so, does she always do it? Or does she try to change it to fit her needs?

 

[AKL_Megs]

Can you describe what you mean by 'such fun'????

Seems to be a very mixed message here.
Maybe we need a better understanding of what is going on.

Personally, people who ignore personal boundaries are one of my big deals, and I couldn't imagine this type of person being somebody that I would want to have a real friendship with.

What you have posted so far sounds needy, juvenile/middle school, controlling, (not really normal) etc...

Well, we just have fun! Or, we did, but now I am just annoyed, walking on pins and needles. Her husband has been working 18 hour days, so she has been especially needy. I don't know if that is why she has been so overbearing, but that is besides the point... I am not a replacement!!!

Things are further complicated by the fact that my husband gets along with HER husband, and her sister is our next door neighbor and ALSO our friend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

more of a mix of other issues.... needy, bipolar, anxiety, emotional fragility, etc...

These people can be really great, as long as they feel NO insecurity whatsoever, like you are their BFF and like you 'owe' them... They can be great as long as their insecurities are not triggered, because they feel that THEY are in control.....

They can just dissolve or 'lose it', as one other poster described, if they are ever confronted....

 

[AKL_Megs]

She probably is very fun...as long as you are doing what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. Isn't that a characteristic of a controlling/manipulative/narcissistic type of person?

If it has gotten to the point that instead of looking forward to her calls, alarm bells are going off in your head, then you KNOW that something is amiss.

Tell us, do you call her up to go shopping or have a drink? If so, does she always do it? Or does she try to change it to fit her needs?

She has no problem doing it our way. It's not really a "do it my way" thing but rather a "I want to do it with you so you have to" thing. I think she is exceptionally needy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Things are further complicated by the fact that my husband gets along with HER husband, and her sister is our next door neighbor and ALSO our friend.

Now this is some very important missing information.....

Okay,

1. So, the husband's get along... What does your husband think... If he is like many men, it is not like women BFF.... do they actually spend a lot of time doing guy-stuff together???

2. Where is her sister while she is annoying you, and demanding your attention... Does her sister work long hours???

I would be willing to bet that the sister lived next door to you first, and then this 'friend' encroached.

Bottom line, personally, I would have to address this...
If you can't simply place the friendship on the wayside, I think I would have to confront her. You can't spend your life catering to her, or hiding from her... That, to me, seems obvious.

This puts the ball in HER court...
If she can't maintain a cordial relationship, and be a part of the whole larger neighbor/sister group friendship, without demanding that you be her BFF 24/7.... then, remember... That is HER call.

I just know that, for myself, I couldn't maintain the current situation with this person. I think I would have to risk any fallout that might come from trying to maintain my own personal boundaries and sanity.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I'm having nightmare flashbacks from a former neighbor.

She was lonely, a little nuts and just plain clueless. She has zero boundaries, didn't take a hint well, didn't even get when I bluntly said "no not today" or asked her to leave. It got to the point that as a running joke a few friends would call my house asking for her. (it was funny but not, they knew I was trying to shake her loose).

It went from I don't mind being your friend to this chick is crazy and I ended up cutting all contact, very bluntly. I know I hurt her feelings but my sanity was at the end. My husband started getting irritated that she was always there and I don't blame him.

 

[castleview]

I'm having nightmare flashbacks from a former neighbor.

She was lonely, a little nuts and just plain clueless. She has zero boundaries, didn't take a hint well, didn't even get when I bluntly said "no not today" or asked her to leave. It got to the point that as a running joke a few friends would call my house asking for her. (it was funny but not, they knew I was trying to shake her loose).

It went from I don't mind being your friend to this chick is crazy and I ended up cutting all contact, very bluntly. I know I hurt her feelings but my sanity was at the end. My husband started getting irritated that she was always there and I don't blame him.

This is the route I had to go with a friend. She was a great friend and then did some whacky destructive things with her life that I couldn't be around for anymore. Started ignoring her, when she called I made excuses and eventually was a flat out jerk to her. She eventually took the hint.

 

[krcit]

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her that you value her friendship but that you are more of a private type person and need space. My friend just went through this with her neighbors. Every time ny friend would go into her backyard, they would pop over or yell over the fence. One night, my friend and her hubby just wanted to be alone in the yard so they ignored the neighbors ands then the next day explained how being busy parents they need some alone time and some family time. Everyone understood and it's now all good. I would try to explain to your friend and give her a chance. If it doesn't stop then you need to end it. Good luck!

 

[WDSearcher]

Thanks everyone. Don't know if I want to end it totally, because when she is normal, we have such fun. I am really confused. I'm going to to read everything here and figure out a way to put my foot down without ruining our friendship... If that is possible.

It kind of sounds as though you both want the same thing -- you each want the friendship on YOUR terms. She wants to control where and when and how often. You want to control where and when and how often.

What you need to do is sit down and work out a solution that works for BOTH of you. The only way to have a true friendship is to be sure that both friends are happy with the relationship. Your way isn't right or wrong; her way isn't right or wrong -- you're just both approaching it from different sides and you need to work to meet somewhere in the middle.

If you don't approach it as something she's doing "wrong", you'll have way better luck.

 

[MICKEY88]

Her husband has been working 18 hour days, so she has been especially needy.

he's actually working 8 hour days, and spending 10 hours volunteering at the local bowling alley { as a pin setter} enjoying the peace and quiet

 

[dakcp2001]

he's actually working 8 hour days, and spending 10 hours volunteering at the local bowling alley { as a pin setter} enjoying the peace and quiet

 

[clutter]

Where is the sister in all this? Have you talked to her? Ask her how to approach the other sister. This cannot possibly be the first time this has happened.