I'm all torn up about this...*UPDATED* pg. 3

[bizybea]

I usually don't post things like this, but this has been tearing me up for awhile and I need to know if I'm going about things the right way. My husband and I have been seperated for over a year now and are getting divorced. Our 6 year old DD has visitation with him, every other weekend and every Monday night. It seems like almost every time she comes home there was something that happened to upset her, but most recently I've begun to be concerned for her well being when she is with her father. I moved out of the house when we seperated and now he lives there with his girlfriend and her 12 year old daughter. About a month ago my DD was staying with her father on a weeknight and he was to take her to school the next day. I worked until 10 am the next day and received a message on my voicemail from my DD's school wanting to know why she wasn't in school. I drove over to the house and knocked on the door and my DD answered it, she was still in pajamas. I asked her where her father was and she said sleeping. I asked where his girlfriend was and she said that she was sleeping, too. I asked her why she wasn't in school and she told me that her father had not waken up yet to take her. I picked her up and took her to my car and as we were getting ready to leave her father came to the door (obviously just woke up) and asked me where I was taking her. I asked him why she wasn't in school and he said that he overslept, oh, yeah, by the way, it was 10:30 am by now. I just drove home without another word and when we got home my DD told me that she hadn't eaten breakfast yet. I was so upset and angry that he left her unattended like that and furious over the fact that she hadn't been fed or wasn't in school. I called Children's Services and reported the incident but my lawyer told me that I couldn't keep her from visiting with him unless Children's Services found him or his home to be unfit. I should also mention that her father was supposed to take his mother to sugery that morning but when he didn't show up on time she drove herself. When no one showed up they began the surgery and were not able to complete it due to the fact that she had 3 seizures while on the operating table. They had to stop surgery and wait for her anesthesia to wear off before they told her that her son didn't show up and she had to call someone else to come pick her up. This was around 12:30 pm, and someone from his family went to his house to see where he was and why he wasn't at the hospital where he was supposed to be. Well, he was back in bed, asleep. So even after I was there at 10:30 to get my DD he went back to bed without any regard for his mother, which he promised he would take to the hospital at 8:30 that morning! Ok, so, fast forward to this weekend, right? My DD was visiting with him for the weekend. Then on Monday night she went to see him. She got home at 8 pm and I gave her a bath that night. Well, I found a large, round bruise on her upper right arm that I immediately recognized as a human bite. She has been bitten before by kids at daycare, however, this bruise was deep and big. I asked her who bit her and she told me that her father's girlfriend's 12 year old daughter did it! She also told me that her father and his girlfriend were there when it happened, they saw her do it! I asked her why she did it and she told me that she (my DD) bit her first. When I asked her why she said she was playing. I told her that she shouldn't have bitten the 12 year old, but that the 12 year old shouldn't have bitten her back, either. She is twice her age and size, besides, my DD was playing and I'm sure she didn't leave a bruise like the one she had on her arm. But this wasn't all~my DD showed me a mark on her forehead that she had gotten that night before she came home, once again inflicted by the 12 year old. It was time for my DD to get ready to come home and she was in her room playing. She didn't want to leave. so the 12 year old grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her down the hallway~not on her feet~and she got knocked into a wall. She told me that she was laying there crying and that her father told her to get up because they had to go. When she came home she had her shoes untied and her coat unzipped, it looked as though she had been forced to get ready quickly to come home. When I heard these accounts from my DD I went to her father's home. I asked him how she had gotten the bruise on her arm and he gave me a confused look like he didn't know what I was talking about. He asked his girlfriend if she knew anything about a bruise on DD's arm and she denied it, too. I then told them what my DD had told me, and then they began screaming and defending themselves. They told me that if my DD bit someone that she would be bitten back. Ummmm...hellooooo? She's 6. She can hardly defend herself against someone twice her size and age! Then they told me that my DD has been biting for awhile. Well, that's news to me! When I asked why they hadn't told me before they said because they were handling it. Yeah, by siccing your 12 year old on her? I went home and filed a complaint with the police department. I didn't do it to press charges, none were filed, just to get the incident documented and forwarded to Children's Services. So, okay, this has still been bothering me so I called Children's Services today to see what is being done to ensure my DD's well being while she is at her father's. I feel he was being negligent in looking out for her and protecting her from harm. Well, they told me that it is only severe cases of neglect or abuse where intervention takes place and that this probably would not qualify, nor the previous incident in where he did not take her to school because he "overslept". They said that it was a case of bad parenting and that they could offer him and his girlfriend services like parenting classes to avoid these types of problems in the future, but that they had to be willing to take them. I should also mention that he has no concern for her when she is not with him, he never calls to ask how she is or communicates with me when he picks her up. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and has to take medication and I gave them specific instructions on how she takes them (this is her first time taking a pill that has to be swallowed and it has been hard for her to do) and they completely ignored them and forced her to take them their way (which was harder for her and very traumatic...I had problems getting her to take them for me when she came back home). He has promised to pick her up and then never showed or called to explain why. She loves him with all her heart and it hurts me to see the dissapointment that she comes home with, and the things that she goes through when she's with him. I feel like a bad mother for sending her to see him, when I know that something bad is going to happen. So much more has happened but I just posted the most major ones. I keep everything documented but it is little comfort when you have to deal with what she's been going through. I'm sorry that this turned out to be so long...I just need to know if what I've been doing is the right thing. I'm trying to protect my DD but her father thinks I'm making a big deal out of something that the family should handle (by the way, the family means him, his gf, her daughter, and my DD~it doesn't include me.)
What would you do in this situation? Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[DemonLlama]

Let me try this again (sorry if there's another half-post by me -- my computer is acting funny):

To answer your first questions: NO, you are not wrong for feeling so upset. If your gut instinct is telling you she is in danger, go with it. If he wants to get nasty about visitation, be sure he knows you are documenting and forwarding everything to the authorities. It sounds as though the situation could easily escalate: sane people do not instruct a 12 year old to bite back! Her biting the older girl may well have been more than playing, if she's stressed by this environment and frigthened by the older girl's dragging her around. Be sure you've not only written everything down, but take pictures with dates on them.

I'm not an authority on these situations, so I'm sure the folks who've had to go through this will have better advice.

Just know you and your daughter are in my prayers!

 

[Melora]

Yes I'd be very upset by the whole situation and frankly I would just not let her go to his house. I think you can go to mediation and ask to have visitation changed. Until you actually see someone in the court I would just keep her home and let him complain. Does he have a court order to when he can or must see her? If not it would be easier for you to have visitation on your terms.

 

[DisneyObsessed]

Wow! I'm afraid I have no advice for you. What a difficult situation you have. I can't help but wonder where the law draws the line on when to intervene. Does the child have to be half dead before they decide there's a problem? Does a parent have to lock a child in a closet before they think it's severe enough? That is really sad that they don't think it's severe enough. My God, no wonder there's so many problems in the world today. You have every right to be as upset as you are. I would say you definitely need to stay on top of this. She's your daughter, and you as her mother have every right to come down on her father, no matter what.

 

[AZKathy]

On bit of advice for the future if necessary is not to take pictures of the bruise and hold the picture for authorities later. Follow through immediately for witnesses at a hospital or police, etc. One of my girlfriends took pictures of bruises and they were not looked at since anyone could use makeup and take pictures, you know what I mean?


You are not wrong to be upset. Sounds like he has a very bad responsibility problem and needs to GROW UP! Does he have any addictive problems? Maybe you could give your DD a cell phone for emergencies if situations arrise like this again to call you immediately? Just an idea.

 

[joats]

You shouldn't question or apologize for your feelings. You feel what you feel!! And if your gut feeling is telling you that something is not right over there, then trust your gut. As you have been, keep documentation of your suspicions but again try not to ask to much of DD or she will clamp her mouth closed as not to "upset" her father. Also, I would think that the last thing you would want to do is get your DD in the middle of this or make her feel as though it's her fault that you and her dad are fighting.

Does your Ex have a alc/drug problem? I don't know why I got that thought from reading your post, but I'm curious.

It sounds like you might have some very good reasons to be concerned. If so, visitations may need to change. Again, document and talk to your lawyer. Perhaps supervised visitation is in order.

You both may not be a couple anymore, but you are still parents. That will bond you for life. If you can't figure out a way to work together for the better of your child it will only get worse - And he may not be workable!! Best of luck!

 

[KatelynnsAuntie]

This an awful, awful situation. And no, you are not wrong to be upset!!

A similiar experience happened in my family. I sent you a PM.

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

You and your dd will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Tina]

Joats took the letters right off my keyboard - I was thinking drugs or alcohol as well. Why would he be sleeping at 10:30 on a Monday morning? Why would they both be sleeping that late? Do either of them work? He sounds VERY irresponsible to me.

 

[Robinrs]

Ugh, this is a nightmare.

I agree, don't apologize. I had a similar problem with an 11 year old and my 6 year old son, the difference between those ages is amazing and what's truly amazing is how DFCS sees them on the same level! NOT! This child was taller and bigger than ME so he saw her as an adult and she should NOT be in charge of a child.

Sorry, I went off on a MOMMY tangent...

Please keep trying. The mediation sounds like a good option. Do take the advice to take pictures and keep records. Child "Protective" Services have so many"criteria" as to what is important to them, but as soon as something happens it turns out there was PLENTY of warning. What happens? Well, here someone gets fired then some other person gets hired but by then some child's life is destroyed. Don't get me started.

I realize he has visitation but was the girlfriend and the daughter a part of the deal? She sounds like the Mother of the year...

And his own mother??? If that was my kids I'd KILL him!! I remember many trips 125 miles to be with my parents for all of their operations. It was my responsibility and I did it no matter what. He should be ashamed of himself.

If not an addiction problem he definitely has a problem with responsibility and maturity. I am so sorry you have to deal with this with your baby.

NEVER apologize for being a Mama Lion. It shows our children someone cares.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[Val]

If your DD has marks/bruises again, I would take her to the pediatrician for evaluation (don't be TOO hysterical, as hard as it might be....I'd be ready to kill him!)....that way the bruises, etc., would be documented by a professional. One problem with you calling DCFS is that they all too often hear complaining ex-spouses. A medical professional or teacher might carry more weight. Also- call your lawyer and discuss options regarding mediation, etc. Keep a paper trial on everything- documentation will be necessary. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your DD and let her know that its okay to love daddy, but sometimes parents don't always make good decisions. Badmouthing your ex to her won't help, but being neutral and loving will really endear your daughter (she will know who's the better parent, believe me!).

As kids my sibling and I went through similar events 25 years ago- thank goodness for grandparents who believed us and took action. They never said a bad word about our parents, but helped us understand that normal doesn't involve hurting one another or drug/alcohol abuse! It wasn't until I was an adult that understood how hard it must have been for them not to really tell it like it was or strangle my parents!

My family will keep your family in our prayers. Good luck and hang in there!

 

[FreshTressa]

Does your husband even WANT to have her that often?? Do they want her to come over, or is she mostly in the way over there??

Maybe it would be better if he just came and took her to dinner or to an activity every other weekend instead of her going into the home with the 12 year old. The 12 year old sounds dangerous.

Anyway, Yes, I believe you have a right to be mad! Very mad. Your poor little girl!

 

[hentob]

I would take her to the police station for pictures.

What is wrong with your ex? He sounds like he is on something.

I hope things get better for you and your daughter.

Hentob

 

[AZKathy]

DO NOT take pictures yourself! Immediately take your DD to authorities for witnesses and documentation that will be allowed in court. As stated earlier, my girlfriend's picture taking was not even looked at even though she did it with the intent on having enough evidence against the father. Have the authorities take the pictures and then they will be looked at and be used for taking the child away from the person hurting the child! If you do it yourself, no one allow them to go against the individual in question!!!! You need to see your pediatrician, the ED, a police officer, etc. Oh, also do it IMMEDIATELY after seeing the bruising, so there is no doubt where it came from. Don't wait until the morning or something like that.....IMMEDIATELY!

 

[onecoolmama]

Here's a thought. The drugs and alcohol came to my mind too. Has this behavior changed recently? In other words, did he over sleep like that when you were around? Or has that been new since the Girl Friend got there? If this is a new thing..over sleeping, not showing up to things..then I would think more seriously about the substance abuse issues.

A similar thing happen to me. My dad was dating a girl about 20..I was 8 and my brother was 11. My dad was a drunk and a cop.. and claimed to work three jobs, but my mom never saw any money...so who knows. Anyway, the times he did pick us up...his girlfriend did more with us then he did. One Saturday, it was about 8 and I had been awake for about 2 1/2 hours. I was always an early riser. I knew how to turn on the TV..so I was watching that while waiting for them to get up. My Dads girlfriend got up first. I told her I was really hungry and I needed breakfast. She told me to wait for my dad to get up...but there were times he didnt get up until 12 noon. I told her I would just get it myself and all the sudden she went off. She was screaming at me telling me that I need to listen to her and when she tells me to wait..I need to wait. Well, I am not a quiet person...never have been. So I started yelling back that they were horrible people and that they were unfit to have me there. I should mention that whan I was four..my brother had locked us in a closet for 5 hours and my dad didnt hear us screaming becuase he was asleep! This wasnt the first time this happened.

My brother does not like confrontation...so he was in a corner with his hands in his ears watching. Well, I guess my dad got up after hearing all the screaming and he chased me upstairs and beat me. I cried the entire time until my mom got there...I ran out to her and told her that I would never come back there again. She asked what happend and my dad said that I was rude to his GF and he wouldnt have that in his house. Needless to say..I never went back. My brother and my dad get along really well, but the next time I saw my dad was at my wedding.

We talk now occasionally, but the bottom line is he was an unfit parent. if your daughter is anything like me..vocal..she will make that decision long before child services will get invovled...and she wont want to go there. Just know I turned out ok...and as long as you document and take her to the doctor and finally..listen to your daughters feelings...you will be able to make the best decision for her. Good Luck and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[bizybea]

First of all, let me say this~Everyone's support and encouraging responses have given me renewed faith that what I'm doing is right, and I thank you all for that.
Second, to answer some of the questions being asked~
Melora~"Does he have a court order to when he can or must see her?" I don't think that it is court ordered. Here's what happened. He filed for divorce only asking that he be granted reasonable companionship with our DD. When I filed in response I agreed. After the incident where he neglected her by not waking up to take her to school I told my lawyer that she would not go back to visit with him. She said that was fine, he would have to file for visitation, but then called me back about 2 weeks later to tell me that I had to stand by my agreement. Apparently, his lawyer called her and pointed out that I had agreed to let him see her. Well, here's an interesting point to mention, as of about 2 weeks ago, he no longer has a lawyer. The lawyer bowed out of the agreement he made with him by stating that his client (my ex) has been withholding information or something to that effect, and therefore he felt that he cannot represent him any longer!
AZKathy~"Does he have any addictive problems?" I'm not sure if that is a factor, although I suspect that he does drink and that is the reason he has been sleeping late.
"Maybe you could give your DD a cell phone for emergencies if situations arrise like this again to call you immediately?" If I did that, I doubt he would let her keep it when she was with them over the weekend. Also, he'd say that I was being overprotective. He says that I baby her too much.
Tina~"Why would he be sleeping at 10:30 on a Monday morning?"He works for a family business and they let him have the morning off so that he could take his mother to the hospital for her surgery. Except he didn't wake up to do that or to take DD to school. "Why would they both be sleeping that late?" I have no idea! He later told his mother that they went to bed at 9:00 pm the night before. Give me a break! "Do either of them work?" He works for his family business and she was a waitress at Denny's although I don't think she works anymore. "He sounds VERY irresponsible to me."
Robinrs~"I realize he has visitation but was the girlfriend and the daughter a part of the deal?" That's part of the problem, too. A lot of times he works late, so I don't get why she gets visitation with his girlfriend and her daughter. She spends more time with them than she does with him! And I have lots of concerns on that level too. Read on.... "She sounds like the Mother of the year... " You have her pegged! She actually doesn't have custody of the 12 year old as far as I know, she only has her now because her ex ( by the way, she's not divorced yet, either) is in jail. And from what I know, it has to be something pretty bad if a mother doesn't have custody of her child.
FreshTressa~"Does your husband even WANT to have her that often?? Do they want her to come over, or is she mostly in the way over there??" I have my suspicions that he is just taking her to make himself look good to his family, from what I hear when she gets home they don't do anything but sit around and watch tv most of the time. He promises to take her to visit her grandparents and it doesn't happen. His mother just called me to see about me taking her over to visit and I told her that I would. She told me that he promised to bring her this past Sunday, then didn't call or show up.

On another note, I actually just got a phone call from him tonight. Seems that all of a sudden, he wants to talk about DD. This is honestly the first time since we've been separated that he has made a phone call to discuss her, or discuss her with me at all! He never returns my calls and when I mentioned that tonight he told me that I could WRITE to him! Excuse me?! We live about 3 miles apart! WRITE A LETTER! Yaaaaaaaaahhhhhnnnnnnnnnnno!
I think someone is getting pretty nervous over there with the police and Children's Services getting involved.
So, now he tells me that he wants her to go to counseling, which, I agreed to, although, I feel for very different reasons than he did. He said that he feels she has more problems than the ADHD, and if that's the case, its partly due to him and his behavior towards her. I think it would be good for her to go so that she can discuss her feelings with someone who is not involved and we can find out what she is really feeling. I'll keep you all updated on what is going on and how things go, but once again, THANK YOU so much.

 

[dmslush]

FWIW, when I go to court with domestic violence victims during their Order of Protection hearing, child visitation is usually addressed. It is not uncommon at all for the visitation to be worded something like this "Father has visitation Friday from 6pm until Saturday at 6pm. No overnight guests are allowed except for those related by marriage or blood". This ensures that daddy can't have girlfriends over while the kids are there. Contact your lawyer, find out EXACTLY what you agreed to on the visitation and seek an amendment to where the girlfriend and her daughter are not allowed to be there because of the danger the daughter is to your child.

Also, as the others have stated, have an authority figure document and photograph the bruisings. Most domestic violence shelters will do this for you, they will also report it to CPS if they feel that the 12 year old is posing a danger to your daughter.

 

[KimRaye]

Lots of good advice here already. Keeping a journal, notebook or whatever is very good...helps you to remember events also when you talk to your lawyer. Things like phone calls, which you said he finally made one...keep track. Tardiness, no-shows for visitation, everything that pertains to your DD, write it down.

I've previously been through an emotional and, briefly physical, battle with ex over DS and, I have horror stories. If you feel that your DD is truly in danger, KEEP HER HOME and, let him find another attorney and, take it to court. Let a judge decide. In the meantime, if the Court Order does not lay out specific days/times for visitation, you aren't breaking any law. That doesn't mean he can't cause you grief but, let the court decide...this will take time and, your DD will be safe until then.

PM or email anytime.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Just thinking out loud here.. first I think you every right as her Mom to worry about her.. Gosh, mine are 32, 29, and 26 and I still worry about them...

Is your daughter acting out in school as well or just when she is with your ex?? if there are problems in school, maybe they can get involved and help you with what is going on with her. Maybe she is frustrated with school and upset when she is with him..

I wish I had some sound advice for you, but some of the previous posters have done real well with that.. I would document everything, accurate notes and pictures in case you have to go court over this..

Hugs and keep doing the great job that you are doing with her..

 

[KarenC]

I am so sorry to hear about your worries. I am so fiercely protective of my children, I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.

Just a thought re your soon-to-be ex's behavior. ADHD is genetic. Many adults figure out they have it when their kids are diagnosed. In many ways ADHD is a motivation disorder. People with untreated ADHD do tend to self-medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. And it might explain the irresponsible behavior regarding school and his mother's surgery.

 

[onecoolmama]

I dont know exactly what the agreement was between visitation between you and your ex or if it still stands now that his lawyer quit. But you seem to have a good relationship with his mother. Maybe, and again, I am not sure how this works, but you could give the visitation rights to her..she would have your DD overnight and your ex could visit her there. At least then you could know with some confidence that she would be attended to.

I would not have been able to do this with my Father's parents..and it might be too much for them...but like I said..it is just and idea.