I'm all torn up about this...*UPDATED* pg. 3

[bizybea]

Just checking in to answer some questions. DD has a doctors appt. next week and I need to discuss an increase in dosage for her medication because her teacher says that she sees no improvement in her behavior.

KarenC~It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out if my ex had ADHD as well. Many times during our marriage he did things that when I reflect on them now, show definite ADHD behavior.

Mackey Mouse~DD is acting up a lot in school and the teacher said that if the increase in medication does not work that she may need counseling. I told her that we had just begun to discuss that option.

onecoolmama~I wish I could give his mother visitation rights, she even mentioned that herself, however, she knows that she is not in the condition to be able to care for her. She has Lupus and back injuries due to 2 car accidents. She just underwent surgery to put a pump in her body that will constantly administer medication to her to keep her out of pain. She is unanble to drive in her condition and very sick and medicated a lot of the time.

Thank you for all your warm wishes and good advice.

 

[nealymouse]

Being a foster parent this question keeps popping into my head.

Do you know the GF's name ? She may have a file with the childrens services already. If so the GF may not even be allowed to around your DD. You said something about her child was not to be with her but is because her ex is in Jail. I will almost put money on this woman having a file of her own. If this is the case then you may have more leverage is getting her and her DD out of the house for your DD visits.

Oh know You are right to have these feeling.

 

[bizybea]

nealymouse~Yes, I do know the girlfriends name and I expressed my concerns about her being around my DD to Children's Services, but they did not ask for her name or any information on her. Her name was on the police report and I know that they received a copy of that. I asked the lady I spoke to if there would be an investigation and she said that she would ask her supervisor and call me back, but I didn't receive a response from her yet. The night I went to ask my ex about the bruises that DD came home with, his girlfriend challenged me to fight her
don't know where that came from...she just blew up at me...and my ex MIL told me that she's thrown things at my ex. This is definitely not an environment that I want my DD in. Besides, she spends more time with the girlfriend than with my ex, how am I to know that my DD is safe with her? These are all concerns I made known to CS.

 

[one_cat]

The further I read this the more scared I get for your daughter. You have gotten a lot of good advice and I don't have any more myself. All I know is that if this was the situation with my kids, visitation would stop immediately and not resume until there was a court order from a judge. I would lay it on my attorney to defend my decision.

Good luck - you are in our prayers.

 

[bizybea]

Hi again. I just wanted to let you all know what has been going on around here lately. Last Monday DD's dad picked her up and brought her home with another bump on the head. He told me that she had done it herself. I questioned her extensively and it seems that it was done on accident to herself, she was spinning around on the floor, messing around and being silly, and hit her head on the coffee table. I told her to be more careful because it worries me to have her come home with bumps and bruises, and I was relieved to know that it was just a normal kid being a kid thing. This past weekend was supposed to be his weekend to have her but he had to work all weekend and didn't pick her up. That was a relief as I didn't have to worry about her and how she would be treated, however, he was quite rude in not letting me know that he wouldn't be picking her up so I had to scramble to find a sitter for her while I went to class this weekend. At least I knew she was in safe hands, though. Tonight he has her until 8 and I'm a little nervous. Unfortunately, I cannot keep her from visiting with him, according to my lawyer. Childrens Services is not doing an investigation on him so I have no concrete reason to keep her away from him. Other than all that, she had a doctor's appointment last week and he decided to change her medication. So, hopefully, this one will provide results and things will get better for her at school. Thank you for the continued support, it really means a lot.

 

[cati]

I agree with the previous posters, get the bruises, etc. documented by a doctor or an ER.

2) Re. Visitation - yes you agreed that HE could have visitation. But you did not agree (a court would not make you agree) to allow your daughter with overnight visitations with the girlfriend. The court is pretty quick to stand for no overnight visitations of the opposite sex with the minor in the house. Now if they get married you will not have this point on your side anymore.

I do not blame you for being so upset. I hope things calm down for your little one.

 

[tcfdick]

Buzybea,
I am a special education teacher and have taught students for 20 years, many who have had ADHD. There are many new meds that are out now for this special area. Has the new med. affected her behavior at school? Has it gotten better? If the behaviors in school are the same even with the new meds, this may be something more than the ADHD. Hopefully this will come out with counseling, in which I believe heartily! Also, get your school counselor/teachers involved if she comes home with bruises again. They MUST turn this into social services because of law. It holds more weight in court when a third party who is impartial is involved.
Here in KY your husband's inability to get your daughter to school would be in your favor. I don't know if you could have a stipulation placed in your divorce settlement about no tardiness/absenses from school when she's with him (within reason because I know children get sick). You could require a doctor's statement if she was sick. If you could and he didn't follow the decree, the court could get involved.
Hope this helped, I wish I could do more!
Sherry

 

[depplyinluv]

bizybea: dont give up! keep a very close guard on your dd, and you're doing fine worrying and all! sometimes its good to worry!


have you looked into having supervised visitations with the father? i remember my bro and i had to do that with my mother, just because of her convicted spouse


just a thought


my prayers go out to you and your daughter!

 

[bizybea]

tcfdick~DD just started the new medication this weekend. The doctor says that it takes about 2 weeks to decide whether or not it is working. Depending on what her teacher says, it may be a case of changing the dosage. The doctor did suggest speaking with a neurologist if this new medication does not show any improvement.
depplyinluv~I can't get supervised visitation unless Childrens Services believes that she is in need of it. At this point, even with all that I've reported and the police report to back me up, they aren't even investigating him.

 

[Serena]

This is a horrible situation and I wish I had some advice. I did say a prayer for you and your dd.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I am so sorry you and DD are going through this. DD is so young--it hurts to think of such a little one having to experience such things. I'll pray that you'll have wisdom and that everything will soon smooth out.

 

[stego]

So does the attorney general's office, CPS, you get the idea.
It's so much paperwork shuffled in an understaffed office.
And yet children's lives are 24/7/365.

Thought I'd might share with you a tiny bit about my experience.
I'm not sure if it will be helpful, but maybe a good dose of reality
is in order here.

Some years ago I was divorced like you. Except in this case,
I was the man WITH the custody of a 15 month old baby. How the courts decided THAT is a long story.

Fast forward some time later. I'd been having some of the same difficulties that you have described. Not knowing what was going on at her house, with her live-in boyfriend. One time I came by to drop him off and she answered the door smelling like dope. I left with him. Of course, she did not call the cops. For some time I went through a number of situations that more than tested my sanity. And of course, I had to bite my tongue ALL the time. I had to keep at foremost: THIS IS ALL ABOUT CHRISTOPHER, NOT ME!

It took me some time to realize a number of things. Her behaviors revealed that life revolved around her, and not our son.
She could not be bothered in the slightest with concerns about him. When I asked her for solutions, I was met with no less than an onslaught of verbal profanity that pretty much summed up this way: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND". Period.
She used every resource she could to avoid the law, CPS, AG, whomever. She used those resources to see what she could get away with. Never mind taking on more parental responsibilities.

Just because your ex drops her off at 8am on Monday doesn't mean he stops being her parent. He has the choice to be involved in every way. Your information tells us he is demonstrating that life is ALL about him, as well as the girlfriend he's shacking up with. Some role model there. Your life is about going forward, and he is running backwards as fast as he can. That environment is not what your daughter deserves.

Your ex will continue to slide backwards, and use whatever power he can to take whomever he can. That includes you and your daughter.

I won't go too far off and say that he is in all likelihood an alcoholic. Believe me, if you search the internet about alcoholic behaviors, you'll get more than an eyeful: self serving, selfishness, chaotic. That's just the tip of the iceburg. I would suggest to you to get ready to bear this cross. The journey will be long, and hard, as well as lonely. And yet, you must keep trudging away, day after day.

Remember that you are NOT alone.

You and your daughter will remain in my prayers.

God bless you,
Fred

 

[bizybea]

Thank you, Fred. I PMed you.

 

[KimRaye]

WOW Fred. Thank you for sharing that. You sound pretty amazing. Your son is very lucky.

 

[bizybea]

Okay, well, things haven't gotten any better, in fact, they've gotten worse. I would never have believed it, but obviously I must have been blind because a few of you who posted previously had suspicions about this. Well, to start at the begining, my ex has barely seen my DD, and when he has it hasn't turned out well. He lost his job last month, he works for a family business and let's just say he was fired for misuse of the business credit cards. The business is pressing charges and he will most likely go to jail.
Then, he's losing the house. We lived in a mobile home, making payments. He neglected to make them for months and now is being evicted. He refuses to let me or his mother retrieve my DD's belongings.
I found out that his girlfriend is on probation, on a drug charge.
The worst thing is that he is INDEED using drugs, cocaine. His mother found out and reported it to the police and children's services. Guess what? No investigation is being done. I told my lawyer that I would not let her go with him for visitiation and she said if I refuse it would go on record. I told her "That's fine, at least it will be on record that I'm protecting my daughter." She said if the police were called to enforce visitation to insist on drug testing, however, if it came out clean, DD would have to go.
Our divorce should be final on Thursday. I sure could use some support. My lawyer is proposing that he undergo testing, counseling, and also stating that we do not want visitation while his girlfriend is in the home as it is not in the best interest of my DD, however, she said she feels that will not pass with the judge. Please give me some advice on what to do, I do not want my DD in this environment. When I expressed that to my lawyer she snapped at me that I could not keep her from her father. I told her that I didn't want to keep her from him, however, I wanted to protect her from getting hurt and being neglected. She said that we could MAYBE get supervised visitation, but that it would be temporary. I told her that I would hope that he would eventually clean up his act.
I don't know what to do, or what to say, to help her. I just know that I can get in trouble for keeping her away from him (for her own safety), yet he is getting away with everything he is doing.
I'm feeling really discouraged.

 

[Mimi Q]

Sorry, I don't really have any advice for you but a prayer sent your way.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

 

[Dan Murphy]

Just able to wish you well, Beatriz.

 

[dianeschlicht]

What a sad story. Divorce certainly does bring the worst out in people.

Prayers and Hugs for you and your DD!

 

[Jeanny]