If you knew your girlfriend or boyfriend were infertile

[RayaniFoxmur]

For me it was the opposite. A dealbreaker would have been a significant other who insisted on having kids at any cost. I don't want kids, I've already given a child up for adoption. Feeling forced into a pregnancy would not work for me.

And honestly? It's something I've come to realize more as an adult. I don't have the patience or desire to raise children.

 

[Mercedes1]

Sorry, but hypocrisy really bothers me, and I feel you are being hypocritical when you demand people respect your decision not to adopt (and I do respect your decision, even though it wasn't the one I made) but then you do not respect their own decisions and claim their children will suffer simply because they didn't do what you did. In other words, YOU are doing exactly what you accuse ME of doing.

It was other posters who started questioning me, so that is why I detailed my thoughts. And I do respect your decision to adopt as many children as you want. All of our decisions and and thoughts are based on our unique experiences, obviously ours were different, but I am happy that you have a family and your children are happy, and I geuinley mean that

 

[EMom]

Thank you very much for this post; now that you have brought this point up I will as well, I don't think most people think of adoption as a first choice though I know there were exceptions. I think it's incredibly unfair to a child to adopt only after learning you can't achieve a baby by your first choice method, why should this child know they were choice B?

Next the truth is, and any fertility counselor will tell you this, when you adopt, you have suffered the loss of your biological kid, because it will likely now never be born . Adoption isnt a cure for fertility it's a way to parenthood, you have to be over the loss of your bio child first. I would never be able to mourn the loss of the baby I never had, and I would resent any child in their place,for these reasons, I knew adoption wasnt for me.

I understand why for others it was a good choice, and I am happy your families are complete

I'll be honest. We tried infertility treatments first because I knew that trying to adopt would be an even bigger PITA than the infertility treatments. With treatments, you have to come up with a small fortune, (well, a fortune anyway) be injected with godawful drugs, undergo painful procedures, get your hopes up only to have them dashed a great deal of the time, and your life is an emotional rollercoaster. You wonder why you couldn't just go away to a B&B and come home pregnant like the rest of your family. You wonder why you have to go to such lengths and endure such torment to become a parent.

BUT.......You know that if you get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver that baby, it is YOURS and it's a done deal. End of story.

With adoption, you get to spend the same fortune, get the same torment, get to avoid the shots , have to let people approve your lifestyle, your home, your finances, your psychological profile, your employment, your pets, perhaps your religion, and more things that I can even think of at this time. And even after submitting yourself to all that, you may never get a baby. Or you may get chosen, spend that fortune, have something go wrong, and come out of it broke and childless to boot.

So I knew treatments weren't a sure thing, but between the two of them, it actually seemed an EASIER path to parenthood at the time. As if IVF can ever be called easy....... It wasn't that a bio baby was better. Sure, I wondered what a combo of the two of us would be like. But I also was halfway scared that it would be a combo of his brother and my brother, God help us. That added oodles of gray hair to my head, I'm sure.

So when we had tried IVF several times and I'd miscarried many times, I figured that it was time to brave the sometimes rocky road of adoption. I wish I could remember the book, but it was one that had you prioiritize what was most important to you.........passing on your genes, parenting, experiencing pregnancy, and they threw a few more in there. When DH and I looked it over, we both realized that for us, "parenting" was MILES AND MILES ahead of anything else on that list, including passing on our genes or having a child that was a combo of us. For us, loving, raising, caring for a child was the be all and end all.

I'm still not thrilled that we had to spend so much money to become parents....I'd have like to have kept that money. I wish I could have avoided all those miscarriages because they were hell on earth. But once I had my DD, my heart was healed. If I could go back in time and carry even one of those babies to term, I would not do it. Because if I did that, I would not have my DD. She is the child we were meant to have.

The method of adoption may be second choice for some, because it is (IMHO) even more of a PITA than IVF, and that is really saying something. But the child is not.

And for many of our children, it is not so much that their birthmothers did not want them, it is more a matter of them not being able to support them. It's just a fact. It has little to do with the child and everything to do with economics. We never say one negative word about DD's birthmother. I give her a lot of credit for giving birth to what may have been the healthiest child ever born in Russia. With our system of government assistance, we cannot imagine what life is like for people in countries with no such system in place. Wanting your child to have two parents who can feed, clothe, support and educate the child, as well as provide medical care and a decent home to live in is indeed thinking of your child and putting them ahead of yourself. Keeping a child when you have no way to feed it, buy even the most basic of medicines, provide clothes or even have a home/apartment to sleep in on a regular basis........How is that selfless? How is that putting the baby first? Because I assure, in many countries, love is NOT enough by a long shot.

 

[tlbwriter]

It was other posters who started questioning me, so that is why I detailed my thoughts.

Yes, and I find your thoughts hypocritical. Do you really not get that?

And I do respect your decision to adopt as many children as you want. All of our decisions and and thoughts are based on our unique experiences, obviously ours were different, but I am happy that you have a family and your children are happy, and I geuinley mean that

My distaste for your "adopted children know they are your second choice" statement has nothing to do with my own personal history. We chose infertility treatment first. If that hadn't worked, we would have gone to adoption. And the child(ren) we adopted would never have been made to feel they were "second choice." Sometimes you have to take a different path to get what you want. I didn't want to adopt. I also didn't want to do IVF or have a c-section, but they happened, because they were the way to get the end result I wanted. And I'm ridiculously happy I had the opportunity to do them, just as I would have been ridiculously happy to be able to adopt if we needed to move on to that step. Does my daughter suffer knowing that her conception and arrival were not the way I really wanted them to be? Absolutely not.

 

[tlbwriter]

So I knew treatments weren't a sure thing, but between the two of them, it actually seemed an EASIER path to parenthood at the time.

That's how I felt. IVF seemed easier. I was already an expert in fertility treatment by that point, and with adoption, I would have to start all over again and learn everything.

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

It wouldn't matter how we had children to me. It would be the wanting of the children that would be a make or break for me.

ITA!! Speaking from experience, I cannot carry children. I have no problem getting pregnant, just can't carry them to term. My husband and I have been through so much with my 5 failed pregnancies, and I am so glad he is a supportive and loving husband. I would hate to think that having a biological together would be more important to him then me. We both desperately want children, but for him to cut and run on my now because I can't give him a child would devistate me. We are looking into other ways of having a child either with surrogacy or adoption, only problem for us, we don't have a lot of money, so who knows if it will ever happen. This makes me very sad, BUT, I am still happy in my life and have come to realize that some things maybe just aren't meant to be.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

I don't agree that giving up your own child is a selfless act

I am very sorry (and very sorry for you). I simply cannot understand what could possibly go on in the mind of someone who thinks like you do.

 

[DopeyDame]

Yes, it is sad. Adoption comes out of some kind of brokenness. And that is heartbreaking. Adoption should be healing, but it takes a lot of work. There's a lot of grief involved at times. We deal with it by talking about it all the time, talking about why children are placed in adoptive homes, and about individual feelings. We also are very open about telling our adopted children that we will support them if they want to seek out their birth families. Anyone who adopts should learn as much as they can about all those messy feelings and be prepared to meet them head on.

Adoption isn't for the faint of heart, but it's the way we built our family and I have my awesome DS to show for it.

As for the original question, obviously I wouldn't have dumped my DH if I knew he couldn't have kids (our infertility is unexplained - we're both perfectly fertile and healthy according to all the tests - so we're a classic case of not knowing in advance, anyway.) More than the fertility issues itself, though - I'd be REALLY concerned about anyone heading into a marriage with "deal breakers" that are largely out of the other person's control. Marriage is about accepting that other person - the good, bad, and ugly - and dealing with whatever crap life throws at you as a couple - together, hand in hand. What if the person becomes infertile a week after marriage? Would you get a quickie divorce? 6 months? 5 years?

If a BF dumped me because I couldn't have kids, I'd thank my lucky stars that I saw his true colors before we got married and move on with life.

 

[EMom]

I am very sorry (and very sorry for you). I simply cannot understand what could possibly go on in the mind of someone who thinks like you do.

I don't know either. All I hear is:

GENES

GENES

GENES

GENES

GENES

Maybe I should rephrase that......

MY GENES!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

ITA!! Speaking from experience, I cannot carry children. I have no problem getting pregnant, just can't carry them to term. My husband and I have been through so much with my 5 failed pregnancies, and I am so glad he is a supportive and loving husband. I would hate to think that having a biological together would be more important to him then me. We both desperately want children, but for him to cut and run on my now because I can't give him a child would devistate me. We are looking into other ways of having a child either with surrogacy or adoption, only problem for us, we don't have a lot of money, so who knows if it will ever happen. This makes me very sad, BUT, I am still happy in my life and have come to realize that some things maybe just aren't meant to be.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you find an answer soon.

To be clear, I think that many of us, including me aren't saying that we wouldn't stay with someone who was infertile, or even that we wouldn't marry someone if we knew that children were absolutely not an option for some reason. But I think (and I don't know because I haven't been in your position) that if I were facing infertility with a partner, I'd want someone with me who shared my hopes and dreams, and could understand my feeling of loss. I'd also want someone equally committed to exploring every option to become parents, and if none of them came true, I'd want someone who understood my grief. If I knew before marriage that someone wasn't that person, I'd walk.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't know either. All I hear is:

GENES

GENES

GENES

GENES

GENES

Maybe I should rephrase that......

MY GENES!

So your problem with the OP is that they want a child who shares their genes? Why exactly is that a problem?

 

[Disney Doll]

My spouse's fertility would not have changed my decision about marrying him.

 

[luvmy3]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you find an answer soon.

To be clear, I think that many of us, including me aren't saying that we wouldn't stay with someone who was infertile, or even that we wouldn't marry someone if we knew that children were absolutely not an option for some reason. But I think (and I don't know because I haven't been in your position) that if I were facing infertility with a partner, I'd want someone with me who shared my hopes and dreams, and could understand my feeling of loss. I'd also want someone equally committed to exploring every option to become parents, and if none of them came true, I'd want someone who understood my grief. If I knew before marriage that someone wasn't that person, I'd walk.

Exactly, having (or not having children) is one of the biggest decisions of your life. There is nothing wrong with not pursuing a relationship with someone who does not feel the same way about every aspect of that decision. In fact when the divorce rate is so high, these are important issues to find out before you get married.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

So your problem with the OP is that they want a child who shares their genes? Why exactly is that a problem?

No, not at all. The problem, or not even a problem but the point at which the OP would become a poor match for me, is that the OP is saying that if it turns out that a child who shares his/her genes isnt in the cards, he/she won't consider any other option.

Yes, I am sure that there are wonderful things about seeing the smile of the person you love replicated on your child. I'm sure it's fun to speculate about which side gave them their hair or their ears that stick out. But those are a small part of parenting, and to reduce parenting to that, to say that it's not worth it if you can't have those parts you don't want to be a parent, well to me it says that you aren't as invested in becoming a parent as I am, and if I were choosing a spouse I'd want one who was invested in the things I'm invested in.

 

[Aisling]

Exactly, having (or not having children) is one of the biggest decisions of your life. There is nothing wrong with not pursuing a relationship with someone who does not feel the same way about every aspect of that decision. In fact when the divorce rate is so high, these are important issues to find out before you get married.

That's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't want to stack the odds against us by continuing into marriage with a man who wasn't compatible with my strong feelings, no matter the love I felt for him. It just wouldn't be fair to either of us in the long run.

And I agree with Firedancer that there's no right or wrong with this topic, it's just a matter of different feelings/ideas of what's important to each individual.

 

[EMom]

Let me just say that you can "plan" and "discuss" all you want, but life throws you curves. You and your SO may both agree you want to have bio children and that if needed, you would pursue IF treatments. And one or both of you is not crazy about adoption, so you agree (in theory) that you would do "whatever it takes" to have a bio baby.

You get married and at some point try to have a baby. But no luck. Eventually, you start IF treatments. You end up doing IVF. Maybe you even get pregnant. But you miscarry and you were never prepared for how hard that would be, both emotionally and physically. Still, you forge ahead. But after a certain number of tries, you begin to face the fact that the odds are not with you and you do not have infinite funds. What to do?

Well, there is surrogacy. Ungodly expensive, but somehow you get the money for it. And it fails. Now you are almost broke from the massive amount of money you have spent attempting to get that bio baby. You have seen woman after woman waltz out of that clinic pregnant, your friends and coworkers all seem to have had babies, but you are SOL.

Do you go through the rest of your money on another IVF and hope it works even though past history has taught you that you are pretty much burning your money and setting yourself up for beartbreak? Or do you put that remaining money aside and start adoption proceedings?

This is a point that MANY couples will get to and trust me, most of them never saw it coming. Their carefully laid plans, dreams and goals were shot to hell by reality. It is at this point that they MUST ask themselves, "What is more important to me? To parent a child or to be the genetic parent of a child?" And there IS a difference.

It is well and good to say you would do whatever it takes to have a bio baby, but the reality is, you will be constrained by money, age, eggs, and what both of your bodies will do......or what that of a surrogate will do. You may steer, but you are NOT in control. You may very well have to ask yourself a question you never wanted to answer, "If I am not able to have a bio child, would I rather never be a parent at all?"

Who WANTS to get to that point? No one. But it happens every day. If you are lucky, you and your spouse will agree on the answer, whatever it may be. Because to disagree is to have resentment forever. If I was married to someone who ditched me because I could not provide a bio child, I'd consider myself blessed to have seen the back of him. You face these things together. Now if both agree that they do not want to adopt and prefer to remain childless, that works too because they are on the same page.

But you should talk about the worst case scenario before you marry, because it can happen. I had a friend who always miscarried and she would have happily adopted, but her husband wanted none of it. She stayed with him, but was always sad. She would have been a great mother. She had no idea he was against adoption until after she miscarried. He had always assumed they would be able to have a bio baby and thus, they had never discussed it. She assumed he would be okay with adoption. Not a good situation. Sad all the way around. They should have discussed the worst case scenario and then both would have known what they were getting themselves into.

 

[FireDancer]

So your problem with the OP is that they want a child who shares their genes? Why exactly is that a problem?

I don't think wanting to continue your bloodline is a negative.

 

[EMom]

And seriously......Am I the only one here who wondered whether my bio baby would be a combo of my DH and I......or.....a combo of some other close family members that I don't even want to see on holidays, let alone have in my house for 18 years???

It happens. I knew 2 brothers who each had a daughter. Let's call them Bob and Joe. Joe's DD looked just like Bob and Bob's DD looked just like Joe. no one could keep those girls straight.

DH looks nothing like his brother and I don't look like mine. But we could have had a child that was a Mini Me of either of them. I knew I wasn't guaranteed a precious little mix of DH and me. There was the "other family member factor" at work. Sure, I hoped the child would not look like DH's brother or lord help me, have his personality.....but it was a risk. Genetics are like that. Not long ago, DH went to a family reunion and said he ran into a lot of Mini Mes of his brother and it was sobering. One of him was enough, but a roomful?

I knew genetics might be kind to us or they might kick us in the butt. Or as my cousin said when her son was born, "OMG! It's Daddy in a diaper!"

 

[DopeyDame]

That's exactly how I feel. I wouldn't want to stack the odds against us by continuing into marriage with a man who wasn't compatible with my strong feelings, no matter the love I felt for him. It just wouldn't be fair to either of us in the long run.

.

But this hypothetical isn't about feelings. In this scenario, BF/GF is infertile - feelings have nothing to do with that medical fact. What you are saying is that you can not accept that person for who they are - worts and all.

To me, that means you aren't ready for marriage - no matter how perfect the person may currently seem. Because once you're married, life WILL throw curveballs at you, maybe infertilify, maybe illness, maybe finance, most likely something you could never ever imagine right now. Unless you're ready to jump in to the future with the other person - regardless of what the future brings - you're not ready for marriage.

 

[DopeyDame]

Just a quick addition to say that IMHO whatever family building or not building decision two people end up making is great. Obviously, I think adoption is a fantastic, wonderful, miraculous way to become a parent. But I know it's not the right way for a lot of people. The decision itself doesn't really matter, so much as the underlying confidence and commitment to make all of life's decisions, and deal with all of life's heartbreak, TOGETHER with love.