...if ya want - vent

[Lionqueen2]

We know a couple - relative of DH - who always 'invite' you or 'offer' you something and end with those words.
Anytime they call to 'invite' you somewhere, they will say something like, "We are going to x restaurant and you can come if ya want". This is their way of letting me know that they plan on treating, I think. Party invites sound like, "We are having a party. You can come if ya like". Yesterday, we were visiting them at their house and they were putting on some coffee and, of course, we could have some if we wanted. It always seems as if they are giving permission rather than offering or inviting.

DH says to ignore it and that they've always expressed invitations that way, but it is so different than the way my family handles invites. They would always let you know that they are having a party and would love it if you could join them. I do try to just follow DH lead when dealing with them, but it does give me that 'nails on a chalkboard' kind of feeling everytime I hear that 'if ya want'. Anyone else know someone who handles invites this way?

 

[sbell111]

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Of course, you are still free to be offended by it, if you like.

 

[Becky2005]

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Of course, you are still free to be offended by it, if you like.

I look at the "if you want" a different way. Basically, a way of letting you know that they will NOT be offended if you say no.

People get so worked up about being invited to something that they really don't want to go to but are afraid to say no for offending someone. It's a polite way of giving you an easy way out.

I take the "Hey we are going out to eat at X, you can come if you want" -- Here is what I would actually hear "Hey we are going out to eat at X, we would love to have you join us but if for whatever reason you REALLY want to say no, that's OK, we won't be offended by it and never speak to you again"

OR "If you want to bring, chips to the party that would be great" taken as "If you had something else in mind, tell me I won't be offended if you *really* don't want to bring chips or just let me know if you don't want to bring anything"

Rather than saying that long drawn out speech -- seems easier to just package it into "if you want"

Plus we are pretty casual around here and wouldn't even think twice about it.

 

[shortbun]

I think you should drop it. Much more heinous crimes committed by other's relatives. Read the board - if ya want to.

 

[RitaE]

Not only do I think you need to learn to drop this and ignore it, I think I would also spend a bit of time on exactly why you need to vent about it.

Seriously, somebody offers you coffee or invites you out for an evening ..... but you have to pick apart their language?

 

[Lionqueen2]

Sure, I know it's not a major crime or anything, but just think that there are so many nicer ways of expresing yourself.
These are the same people who a few years ago, gave their DS a $100 bill for Christmas, then informed their DIL that they gave the son the money and if DIL wanted some, she could speak to her DH about it and maybe he would give her some of the money. There was no gift for DIL. They said this in front of family. Everyone ignored it, but I always wondered how their DIL felt.
I can see dividing up the money and giving each person $50, or giving a joint gift to the couple, but was suprised by the way they handled this.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Not only do I think you need to learn to drop this and ignore it, I think I would also spend a bit of time on exactly why you need to vent about it.

Seriously, somebody offers you coffee or invites you out for an evening ..... but you have to pick apart their language?

We've actually only gone out with them a couple of times and each time ended up picking up the entire check. So, now I politely decline.

I do not have to see them often. Most of the time we see them they are invited to our home for family get-togethers.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Of course, you are still free to be offended by it, if you like.

I don't get this venting when something isn't done exactly "your" (global your) way. It is like, at least on these boards, there is only one perfectly perfect way to do things, and that is the venter's way; Christmas cards not signed exactly like you do it, invites not worded exactly like you would do it, etc.

Flexibility people, it really does make life much easier. Not everybody does everything like you do, and that is perfectly ok. Just because they don't do things exactly like you do, they are not insulting you. (again, global you, not any particular poster).

And, FWIW, I would never take that kind of invite as they are inviting you and they are paying. To me, it sounds like a friendly "we love your company, come along" type invite.

 

[sbell111]

Sure, I know it's not a major crime or anything, but just think that there are so many nicer ways of expresing yourself.
These are the same people who a few years ago, gave their DS a $100 bill for Christmas, then informed their DIL that they gave the son the money and if DIL wanted some, she could speak to her DH about it and maybe he would give her some of the money. There was no gift for DIL. They said this in front of family. Everyone ignored it, but I always wondered how their DIL felt.
I can see dividing up the money and giving each person $50, or giving a joint gift to the couple, but was suprised by the way they handled this.

Color me non-stressed about that issue, also. In our household, all money coming in is 'ours'. Therefore, there would be no need to give each of us $50 or to even care one way or the other about the entire ordeal. Perhaps the DIL in question felt the same way.

 

[sbell111]

We've actually only gone out with them a couple of times and each time ended up picking up the entire check. So, now I politely decline.

I do not have to see them often. Most of the time we see them they are invited to our home for family get-togethers.

I have never been in a situation where someone invited me to go along and I was somehow forced to pick up the entire check. It's possible that it could happen, I suppose.

 

[dismom2]

I look at the "if you want" a different way. Basically, a way of letting you know that they will NOT be offended if you say no.

People get so worked up about being invited to something that they really don't want to go to but are afraid to say no for offending someone. It's a polite way of giving you an easy way out.

I take the "Hey we are going out to eat at X, you can come if you want" -- Here is what I would actually hear "Hey we are going out to eat at X, we would love to have you join us but if for whatever reason you REALLY want to say no, that's OK, we won't be offended by it and never speak to you again"
OR "If you want to bring, chips to the party that would be great" taken as "If you had something else in mind, tell me I won't be offended if you *really* don't want to bring chips or just let me know if you don't want to bring anything"

Rather than saying that long drawn out speech -- seems easier to just package it into "if you want"

Plus we are pretty casual around here and wouldn't even think twice about it.

This is how I perceive it, too. I don't find it offensive at all, and I have said that myself at times, too. I just don't want anyone to feel bad or guilty if they can't or don't want to go.

 

[sparklynails23]

Why don't you "really" like these people? Are you perhaps jealous of them in some way? Are they better looking than you? Have more money? Nicer house or cars? More trips to Disney? What's really bugging you?

 

[Evil Genius]

Don't come hanging around me and my friends then. We use if this kind of phrasing with each other all the time. It's a way of saying "we'd love for you to come by, but if you don't, no hard feelings"

At least they invite you to come by. Alot of people would be appreciative to just have that

 

[merryweather20]

We've actually only gone out with them a couple of times and each time ended up picking up the entire check. So, now I politely decline.

I do not have to see them often. Most of the time we see them they are invited to our home for family get-togethers.

She was picking that part up from your original post where they were "treating" you.

So if that part of your post didn't really happen, and you go to your house rather than theirs what exactly are you complaining about

 

[disykat]

.
Anytime they call to 'invite' you somewhere, they will say something like, "We are going to x restaurant and you can come if ya want". This is their way of letting me know that they plan on treating, I think. ?

I would assume the opposite. That is their way of letting you know they are NOT treating. I would assume separate checks and would make sure I let the waiter know that when ordering.

 

[jamstew]

I would assume the opposite. That is their way of letting you know they are NOT treating. I would assume separate checks and would make sure I let the waiter know that when ordering.

That's the way I would interpret it, too, because that's the type of phrasing I'd use. If I plan on treating, I'll say so specifically, e.g.: "I'm going out to xxx. Do you want to go? My treat."

 

[ols386]

To the OP.....I think certain things about others sometimes just bother us for no apparent reason. That's what this sounds like. I understand what you are saying....sometimes someone might say something to me that bugs me, yet I know there is no logical reason for it to. I think it's just human nature.

There is nothing wrong with you venting about this on here. Lots of people come on here to vent, and I have no problem with it if it makes them feel a little better.

It doesn't really sound like it's a big deal, so I'd probably just try to let it go, and just not be around them very much, if you don't have to.

 

[snapppyd]

But the really important question is, how do they sign their Christmas cards?

 

[brockash]

I have never been in a situation where someone invited me to go along and I was somehow forced to pick up the entire check. It's possible that it could happen, I suppose.

I agree, that's pretty weird. I don't know why they would ever expect YOU to pay for the dinner, that they were going to have anyways. I will say that with the "you can come if you want" thing, I would take that more of a "we'll pay for ours, you pay for yours" type of thing, so I wouldn't take it as they were saying it'd be their treat, but more of a do you want to come enjoy some time with us kinda thing.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Thanks for all your replies and thoughts.
I do try to include these folks in family gatherings at my house and do see them even if it is infrequent. Over the years their more immediate family -DSs/DILs - have slowly avoided them opting for family gatherings at in-laws simply because their comments and tone of their comments are not well received. There is definitely something wrong when you are causing people to turn away from you.
As I thought back over numerous incidents with these folks and their family, I think you made me feel that they need some compassion and are perhaps kinder in thought than their words or tone seem. I don't know what could be done, but hope for their sake that something changes.