If I've offended you

[NFLDERS]

During a conversation with a neighbour part of it went like this.

She: "If I've offended you."

Me: "Offense taken!"

Then, the banter continued. I was explaining as she'd added "sorry" to her If again. All I wanted to hear was the dropping of the word "If". She repeated the same sentence once again. I was done conversing with her.

When she called a few wks later inquiring as to why I'd not been in contact. I chose to tell her well "if". .

Why can people not validate one's response to their words or actions?.


Full story in post #36 Sorry for any inconvenience.

 

[TAX GUY]

Joining in on someone's thoughts part way through is so difficult to try and understand what they are trying to say. I think we'll need either the beginning of the story or the end.... not sure.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Sounds like you felt the need to prove a point and were more concerned with that, than the apology that was trying to be conveyed.

 

[gwynne]

During a conversation with a neighbour part of it went like this.

She: "If I've offended you."

Me: "Offense taken!"

Then, the banter continued. I was explaining as she'd added "sorry" to her If again. All I wanted to hear was the dropping of the word "If". She repeated the same sentence once again. I was done conversing with her.

When she called a few wks later inquiring as to why I'd not been in contact. I chose to tell her well "if". .

Why can people not validate ones response to their words or actions?.

You're not going to train someone in a situation such as you described.
Maybe they use "if" out of habit. Maybe they use "if" to avoid responsibility.
Either way, demanding someone not use "if" seems almost as rude as using it...jmo.

I'd take their apology and move along.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Sounds like you felt the need to prove a point and were more concerned with that, than the apology that was trying to be conveyed.

This--

Sometimes I misspeak. People focus more on what I said and give zero credence to me not intending at all what they heard.

I made a joke about ditching someone once -- have done this countless times with good friends and so not mean it on the literal sense. In this situation, the plans had to be canceled by the other person and I made a joke. They were horribly offended. And then it got worse. I was offended by how I was subsequently treated. If was awful. I won't go into details--but my apology was essentially refused even though I felt completely awful for upsetting the person. This actually affected my health as it caused great stress.

To me, people can be unforgiving. And that is no different than the original offense. In fact, if can be worse.

What this taught me was that there are people in life who get offended far to easily and hold grudges over a misunderstanding.

Since you won't tell is what the offending act or statement was, I can only go on what you have posted. I would be like Elsa and let it go. Unless the act or statement was so egregious ( racist or bigoted for example) that points to a person's over all character--accept the apology and move on. By not doing saw, it exposes a flaw in your character and short of bigotry or racism, I cannot envision what would be worth holding a grudge for.

 

[tina.tina]

Did you know that it's not okay to correct others' grammar unless you're their teacher?

Now you do!

 

[Heidict]

I'm still trying to figure out what the big deal is about the word "if". She said "If I offended you", right? What is wrong with that? Not everyone is offended at the same things. Some are more sensitive than others. So, "IF" would be a valid word to use, not knowing IF you were offended or not.

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

 

[goofyintoronto]

You're not going to train someone in a situation such as you described.
Maybe they use "if" out of habit. Maybe they use "if" to avoid responsibility.
Either way, demanding someone not use "if" seems almost as rude as using it...jmo.

I'd take their apology and move along.

Yes, I completely agree!

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

Yep, I also think its very immature and jr-high-ish.

 

[kkandaj]

This sounds like someone trying to control the way another person apologizes. Would it be better if she said "I may have offended you" because that seems to be what she is saying?

Is this worth losing a friend over? This seems so trivial to me.

 

[msjprincess]

I'm still trying to figure out what the big deal is about the word "if". She said "If I offended you", right? What is wrong with that? Not everyone is offended at the same things. Some are more sensitive than others. So, "IF" would be a valid word to use, not knowing IF you were offended or not.

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

I agree.

The neighbor should be thanking her lucky stars that you're not talking to her anymore.

 

[jrmasm]

I'm still trying to figure out what the big deal is about the word "if". She said "If I offended you", right? What is wrong with that? Not everyone is offended at the same things. Some are more sensitive than others. So, "IF" would be a valid word to use, not knowing IF you were offended or not.

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

I don't get it either.

 

[HM]

When she said "If I offended you" instead of saying "Offense taken", the better reply might have been "I was offended" and then you could have said why whatever she said or did offended you. There would have been no misunderstanding then. I hope you work it out with your neighbor.

 

[sunnyday123]

During a conversation with a neighbour part of it went like this.

She: "If I've offended you."

Me: "Offense taken!"

Then, the banter continued. I was explaining as she'd added "sorry" to her If again. All I wanted to hear was the dropping of the word "If". She repeated the same sentence once again. I was done conversing with her.

When she called a few wks later inquiring as to why I'd not been in contact. I chose to tell her well "if". .

Why can people not validate ones response to their words or actions?.

You actually told her because she used the word, "if"??? And you couldn't accept her apology because she used the word IF?? I'm suprised she didn't have any other words for you.....

 

[gwynne]

I'm still trying to figure out what the big deal is about the word "if". She said "If I offended you", right? What is wrong with that? Not everyone is offended at the same things. Some are more sensitive than others. So, "IF" would be a valid word to use, not knowing IF you were offended or not.

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

I don't get it either.

Just to be clear, before I write an answer....

I don't agree with correcting anyone, especially someone who is trying to apologize. It's unkind, and rude.

That said, if an individual is choosing how to apologize, using "if" might not be the best thing to do.
When you apologize, you take responsibility for your actions. Using "if" can diminish that.

Here's the difference:
I am very sorry I hurt your feelings.

If your feelings got hurt I am sorry.


In the specific situation we're discussing, though, the rude person is the one who won't take an apology. It's not our job in this world to correct others, especially those who are doing their best to rectify a situation. If one chooses to use "if" it's their choice. If one chooses not to use "if" that's their choice, too.

 

[jrmasm]

Just to be clear, before I write an answer....

I don't agree with correcting anyone, especially someone who is trying to apologize. It's unkind, and rude.

That said, if an individual is choosing how to apologize, using "if" might not be the best thing to do.
When you apologize, you take responsibility for your actions. Using "if" can diminish that.

Here's the difference:
I am very sorry I hurt your feelings.

If your feelings got hurt I am sorry.


In the specific situation we're discussing, though, the rude person is the one who won't take an apology. It's not our job in this world to correct others, especially those who are doing their best to rectify a situation. If one chooses to use "if" it's their choice. If one chooses not to use "if" that's their choice, too.

Except if the person trying to apologize isn't sure if they've offended the other person. Like you notice someone acting strangely but have no clue why then you might say "If..."

Think about it. The OP's post was not clear. Maybe she doesn't communicate well in real life eithe leaving the othe person unsure if they've offended her or not.

Regardless, if I attempt to apologize to someone and they don't accept it because they don't like the words I've used, that's their problem and they can lump it.

 

[nugov2]

I'm still trying to figure out what the big deal is about the word "if". She said "If I offended you", right? What is wrong with that? Not everyone is offended at the same things. Some are more sensitive than others. So, "IF" would be a valid word to use, not knowing IF you were offended or not.

The fact that you refuse to speak to her and go on some weeks long silent treatment shows a great deal of immaturity. Much worse than her apparent offensive use of the word IF. Heck, from the sound of it, she doesn't even understand why you are giving her the silent treatment. You are just sitting back and waiting for her to figure it out herself? Sounds like a jr high game.

I agree with this. Maybe that was just her way of doing something that can be difficult. Not everybody can admit when they are wrong easily. To me it sounds like she was doing the right thing by trying to initiate a conversation to discuss the offense further and take responsibility for hurting your feelings. Maybe if you would have allowed her to finish you would have gotten a full blown apology. Your reaction is the reason people have a hard time apologizing b/c when someone treats you in that way you figure what's the point. Sometimes a little kindness and compassion can go a long way and you failed to show your neighbor any of that while she was trying to apologize. Sometimes when we are upset we don't phrase everything perfectly, but at least she was trying. You cut her off at the knees and acted very childish IMO. I'd be going to her now and saying that you are sorry and could we start again. Clearly your actions were clouded by your emotions and hopefully she will forgive you and you her and you will both have a clean slate.

 

[gwynne]

Except if the person trying to apologize isn't sure if they've offended the other person. Like you notice someone acting strangely but have no clue why then you might say "If..."

Think about it. The OP's post was not clear. Maybe she doesn't communicate well in real life eithe leaving the othe person unsure if they've offended her or not.

Regardless, if I attempt to apologize to someone and they don't accept it because they don't like the words I've used, that's their problem and they can lump it.

I agree with you.
The rude person is the one who won't take an apology. It's not our job in this world to correct others, especially those who are doing their best to rectify a situation. If one chooses to use "if" it's their choice. If one chooses not to use "if" that's their choice, too.

 

[RitaE]

So what you are saying is

You're mad at somebody about something

They tried to apologize

And now you're mad at them because they included the word "if" in their apology?

Maybe you could just write out what you consider a proper apology on a notecard and then give it to her to read back to you?

 

[anniemae]

Is it because the "if" implies they may or may not have offended you, and without the "if" they are saying that I have definitely offended you?

 

[Laura66]

Really - you take an apology in the spirit it is offered. You can usually tell if it's heartfelt. So to me - the exact wording is moot. (I hope I used that properly)

That you are so offended and acting immature about specific wording and came to a message boad (which is what we are here for) to complain makes me wonder if you are like that about everything. Maybe she really needed to word the apology a specific way.