If I've offended you

[Laura66]

During a conversation with a neighbour part of it went like this.

She: "If I've offended you."

Me: "Offense taken!"

Then, the banter continued. I was explaining as she'd added "sorry" to her If again. All I wanted to hear was the dropping of the word "If". She repeated the same sentence once again. I was done conversing with her.

When she called a few wks later inquiring as to why I'd not been in contact. I chose to tell her well "if". .

Why can people not validate ones response to their words or actions?.

And sometimes people see offense in every little thing - or are very sensitive. Just because someone is offended - well that doesn't necessarily mean that the other party is wrong. They could either not know why or if you are offended - or feel that they did anything wrong. So what is wrong with them saying if?

 

[robinb]

The phrase "I'm sorry IF I offended you." puts the blame on the offense on the offendee. They are just too darn sensitive, or too PC, or simply can't take a joke. There is no responsibility for the offender but they are trying to make peace.

The phrase "I'm sorry THAT I offended you." puts the blame of the offense on the offender. They admit that they did something wrong and take responsibility for hurting the other person.

That being said OP, I would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, this is interesting!

Okay, my two cents worth...

I won't comment on the exact situation and conversation the OP is mentioning. We don't know enough to do that.

But, the thing is.... People shouldn't apologize 'IF' you are offended... They shouldn't even apologize 'THAT' you are offended.

There is nothing worse than saying.... "Sorry YOU are mad at me..." Instead of "Sorry I screwed up and was very inconsiderate".

That is making YOU, instead of the other person, fully responsible for the issue.
One can't apologize for somebody else's feelings.
The assumption there would be that the other person's feelings are OBVIOUSLY what are in the wrong.

An apology should always be about taking responsibility for your own actions.... It should be taking responsibility for making a bad decision or slipping up and doing something wrong.

Like: "Sorry I said this-or-that."
Or: "Sorry I parked my vehicle in your way."
Or: "Sorry I <..........whatever............>."

Anything less is actually saying... Sorry, I am in the right... I can say what I want, park where I want, do what I want... And if you are offended, then that is your issue.

Now, maybe this other person in the OP was truly apologizing, but was just not good at doing it in the best way possible.... Maybe it was a blow-off... Refusing, as the OP wanted, to actually admit that they did anything wrong... Just sorry that THE OP took such offense. Which they may have had good reason to have been offended.

 

[Wishing on a star]

that being said op, i would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

yes....

PS: Robin, I see our posts came in at the same time...
Great minds think alike!

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

So far I agree with everyone that the word "if" is not a big deal being used in the apology. Refusing an apology because of that one word is quite petty indeed.
Now, to play devil's advocate perhaps (don't know for sure as op did not give specific details) they were discussing the incident and op clearly told the neighbor that what she said/did offended her and she was hurt by it.
If the neighbor then proceeded to say "If I offended you....." then she did not have to use "if" as she was clearly told by the op that it did offend. It could come off to the op that she was not heard.
Again, even under these circumstances I would not be bothered but everyone is different and so I could somehow understand her frustration.

 

[gwynne]

The phrase "I'm sorry IF I offended you." puts the blame on the offense on the offendee. They are just too darn sensitive, or too PC, or simply can't take a joke. There is no responsibility for the offender but they are trying to make peace.

The phrase "I'm sorry THAT I offended you." puts the blame of the offense on the offender. They admit that they did something wrong and take responsibility for hurting the other person.

That being said OP, I would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

Exactly right on all points.

 

[NFLDERS]

The phrase "I'm sorry IF I offended you." puts the blame on the offense on the offendee. They are just too darn sensitive, or too PC, or simply can't take a joke. There is no responsibility for the offender but they are trying to make peace.

The phrase "I'm sorry THAT I offended you." puts the blame of the offense on the offender. They admit that they did something wrong and take responsibility for hurting the other person.

That being said OP, I would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

This is exactly what I'm trying to convey.

 

[jrmasm]

The phrase "I'm sorry IF I offended you." puts the blame on the offense on the offendee. They are just too darn sensitive, or too PC, or simply can't take a joke. There is no responsibility for the offender but they are trying to make peace.
The phrase "I'm sorry THAT I offended you." puts the blame of the offense on the offender. They admit that they did something wrong and take responsibility for hurting the other person.

That being said OP, I would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

Not necessarily. And IMO if you immediately jump to that conclusion, you are likely easily offended.

1) Could be the person doesn't know if they offended the other person
2) Could be the person has heard that expression and doesn't realize it might offend someone who is overly sensitive.
3) Could be the person is apologizing but finds the other person to be ridiculous

I imagine there could be other reasons someone might say that wihtout intending to place blame on the other person.

But I am really finding this entire conversation to be completely ridiculous. Hard to imagine that the word if could ever be so offensive to someone. My rolley eyeball muscles are aching.

 

[NFLDERS]

Hey, this is interesting!

Okay, my two cents worth...

I won't comment on the exact situation and conversation the OP is mentioning. We don't know enough to do that.

But, the thing is.... People shouldn't apologize 'IF' you are offended... They shouldn't even apologize 'THAT' you are offended.

There is nothing worse than saying.... "Sorry YOU are mad at me..." Instead of "Sorry I screwed up and was very inconsiderate".

That is making YOU, instead of the other person, fully responsible for the issue.
One can't apologize for somebody else's feelings.
The assumption there would be that the other person's feelings are OBVIOUSLY what are in the wrong.

An apology should always be about taking responsibility for your own actions.... It should be taking responsibility for making a bad decision or slipping up and doing something wrong.

Like: "Sorry I said this-or-that."
Or: "Sorry I parked my vehicle in your way."
Or: "Sorry I <..........whatever............>."

Anything less is actually saying... Sorry, I am in the right... I can say what I want, park where I want, do what I want... And if you are offended, then that is your issue.

Now, maybe this other person in the OP was truly apologizing, but was just not good at doing it in the best way possible.... Maybe it was a blow-off... Refusing, as the OP wanted, to actually admit that they did anything wrong... Just sorry that THE OP took such offense. Which they may have had good reason to have been offended.

This is exactly what I'm feeling.

 

[RitaE]

This is exactly what I'm trying to convey.

I think everybody understands that but somewhere along the way you need to decide what is more important to you - the continuing the relationship, or standing your ground until you get exactly what you want.

Nobody here knows the details of what exactly happened to prompt this apology so we really can't say much about it. If it's just a run of the mill squabble, then I vote …. can't resist ……. forgive me everybody

LET IT GO, LET IT GO

 

[smiths02]

The phrase "I'm sorry IF I offended you." puts the blame on the offense on the offendee. They are just too darn sensitive, or too PC, or simply can't take a joke. There is no responsibility for the offender but they are trying to make peace.

The phrase "I'm sorry THAT I offended you." puts the blame of the offense on the offender. They admit that they did something wrong and take responsibility for hurting the other person.

That being said OP, I would accept the non-apology apology and move on.

I have to disagree slightly. "I'm sorry IF I offended you." Could be the person is too sensitive or you are not sure if they are offended.

"I'm sorry THAT I offended you." To me, this still means that you have sympathy for the other person, and you understand that you have actually offended them, but you don't necessarily feel you said anything wrong.

In other words, either one, to me, can be that you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, but what you did may not be inherently wrong.

"I'm sorry that I was obnoxious (offensive, racist, said something without thinking, etc.)." That is true ownership of the situation.

That being said, I would generally take the apology in the spirit it was offered.

 

[gwynne]

This is exactly what I'm trying to convey.

But here's the thing, when someone apologizes, accept it. Yes, there are rare, rare instances where that is not the rule, but 98% of the time, be gracious. They are trying to meet you halfway, meet them halfway. Grudges aren't nice.

You can hold yourself to the no "if's" , no "you statements" (only I statements) in the apologies you give. But it's not appropriate to demand that of others.

 

[smiths02]

Hey, this is interesting!

Okay, my two cents worth...

I won't comment on the exact situation and conversation the OP is mentioning. We don't know enough to do that.

But, the thing is.... People shouldn't apologize 'IF' you are offended... They shouldn't even apologize 'THAT' you are offended.

There is nothing worse than saying.... "Sorry YOU are mad at me..." Instead of "Sorry I screwed up and was very inconsiderate".

That is making YOU, instead of the other person, fully responsible for the issue.
One can't apologize for somebody else's feelings.
The assumption there would be that the other person's feelings are OBVIOUSLY what are in the wrong.

An apology should always be about taking responsibility for your own actions.... It should be taking responsibility for making a bad decision or slipping up and doing something wrong.

Like: "Sorry I said this-or-that."
Or: "Sorry I parked my vehicle in your way."
Or: "Sorry I <..........whatever............>."

Anything less is actually saying... Sorry, I am in the right... I can say what I want, park where I want, do what I want... And if you are offended, then that is your issue.

Now, maybe this other person in the OP was truly apologizing, but was just not good at doing it in the best way possible.... Maybe it was a blow-off... Refusing, as the OP wanted, to actually admit that they did anything wrong... Just sorry that THE OP took such offense. Which they may have had good reason to have been offended.

Agree

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Well I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. You now have one less neighbor you are friendly with. Guess you taught her.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Did you speak in actual sentences or just say "offense taken and " if" ? I don't get it. You also say the banter continued. Isn't banter a joking type of exchange?

Maybe the neighbor is better off with you not talking to her. Life's too short to deal with people who are so rigid and always want things their way.

 

[NFLDERS]

Joining in on someone's thoughts part way through is so difficult to try and understand what they are trying to say. I think we'll need either the beginning of the story or the end.... not sure.

I'll try to explain the "story".

Our son (38) met his wife of almost 10 yrs on-line. She was in Germany born and raised. He here in Canada. They married after a few years of getting to know each other. They have given us a beautiful grandson he is going on 8.

When she came to Canada she was unable to secure work other than ie Greenhouse Labourer. So for the last 4 1/2 yrs she has been a student working towards an accounting masters degree.

They use all "their" money and student loans. It has been a lot of hard work for both of them.

My neighbour made a comment with regards to her opinion that our son's wife our daughter-in-law, the mother of our grandson, is a "Goldigger".
That we will all "see" this after her graduation next spring.

I was left speechless felt like someone hit me it hurt! The silence lingered for a bit then she said: Sorry, if I've offended you.

 

[mom2rose&john]

Wow, I truly learn something new every day. I did not realize that using "if" in an apology was a poor apology. I have used this phrase and it has truly been an apology. I admit I am not always grammatically correct. However, if I am apologizing it is heartfelt.

OP, hopefully you know her wll enough to see if it was a true apology. If you know that it was not an honest apology due to the work "if" then you are better off without the friendship.

 

[HM]

I'll try to explain the "story".

Our son (38) met his wife of almost 10 yrs on-line. She was in Germany born and raised. He here in Canada. They married after a few years of getting to know each other. They have given us a beautiful grandson he is going on 8.

When she came to Canada she was unable to secure work other than ie Greenhouse Labourer. So for the last 4 1/2 yrs she has been a student working towards an accounting masters degree.

They use all "their" money and student loans. It has been a lot of hard work for both of them.

My neighbour made a comment with regards to her opinion that our son's wife our daughter-in-law, the mother of our grandson, is a "Goldigger".
That we will all "see" this after her graduation next spring.

I was left speechless felt like someone hit me it hurt! The silence lingered for a bit then she said: Sorry, if I've offended you.

Wow, that's awful of her. I think you're better off with her not talking to you if she's going to be saying stuff like that to your face (or behind your back). I definitely would have said: Yes, you offended me. That was a mean spirited thing to say. (If I'd been able to get my jaw off the floor).

 

[Heidict]

I'll try to explain the "story".

Our son (38) met his wife of almost 10 yrs on-line. She was in Germany born and raised. He here in Canada. They married after a few years of getting to know each other. They have given us a beautiful grandson he is going on 8.

When she came to Canada she was unable to secure work other than ie Greenhouse Labourer. So for the last 4 1/2 yrs she has been a student working towards an accounting masters degree.

They use all "their" money and student loans. It has been a lot of hard work for both of them.

My neighbour made a comment with regards to her opinion that our son's wife our daughter-in-law, the mother of our grandson, is a "Goldigger".
That we will all "see" this after her graduation next spring.

I was left speechless felt like someone hit me it hurt! The silence lingered for a bit then she said: Sorry, if I've offended you.

Yikes, I would have been pretty offended at that also. Some people really should keep their opinions to themselves. However, it seems she knows that what she said was wrong (ok, maybe not wrong, but at least inappropriate to say to you) and she offered an apology. It might not be up to your standards or the way you would have apologized, but it was an apology.

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW!!!!
Given that this was a quote that you posted, assuming paraphrased as close to possible as how you remember hearing it.

This neighbor is one very very screwed up and inconsiderate and rude person who is very very unaware of any boundaries.

To be honest... I wouldn't care to have any real discussions or share any personal information with this person, EVER. (how was she privy to the history and current financial details of your son and his wife?????)

I wouldn't care how, or even IF, she attempted to apologize.

When people show you who they are, then BELIEVE them.

Methinks it is time to let this go (instead of complaining about her insincere apology) and let-it-go!!!