If it was your mother, would you go? - UPdate

[DisneyBamaFan]

Thank you all for your responses and well wishes for my mother.

I have cleared the time off with my boss. We can get by without the money that I would have made on those days without incurring any late fees or missed mortgage payments.

The only thing holding me back now is that my husband doesn't want me to go. He thinks my sister can handle it alone and I don't need to go. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and even then it was back and forth on the computer. He left for work today before I came down, so I know he's upset. We have to go to my dd11 concert tonight - that should be interesting.

Just tell him that this is important to you. He will probably ask why. Answer however you feel. But don't make this out to be a trip to help your mother or your sister if he thinks that they are fine without you. Just keep saying that being there is important to you.

If he loves you, he will let you go. I can't imagine saying no to my wife about something like this. In fact, I can't imagine her letting me.

Good luck, and God bless...

 

[HOGFAN]

yes, my mom has been gone 16 years, I miss her every day. What I wouldnt give to have spent more time with her, in any capacity.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

I knew my answer just by reading the title of the thread, didn't even need details.

If it was my mom, would I go?

Without hestitation.

 

[Judy from Boise]

If for some reason you can't go, perhaps you could do something tangible for your sister while she is gone, like clean the house and stock the fridge with some reheatable meals.....and stock her pantry with perishiables right prior to her return.

 

[robinb]

I would go. If you think you need to stay in a hotel consider using Priceline or Hotwire to save some money.

 

[SUSIEQ]

I would definitely go. That's your only mom! I'm surprised your DH wouldn't expect you to go!

That's exactly what I was thinking!

Yes, I'd definately go.

 

[okeydokey]

Thank you all for your responses and well wishes for my mother.

I have cleared the time off with my boss. We can get by without the money that I would have made on those days without incurring any late fees or missed mortgage payments.

The only thing holding me back now is that my husband doesn't want me to go. He thinks my sister can handle it alone and I don't need to go. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and even then it was back and forth on the computer. He left for work today before I came down, so I know he's upset. We have to go to my dd11 concert tonight - that should be interesting.

I can't tell you how much it would bother me if my DH gave me a hard time about being with my Mom when she needed me. Is it the money that's he's worried about.?

When my Dad was in cancer treatment I put a flight from FL to MA on my credit card to go spend a week with him and my Mom. It was tough financially but even though he wasn't in any immediate danger (regular radiation and chemo) I wanted to go. Three days after I returned home he had a massive heart attack and died. I can't tell you how glad I am that I did not let finances make the decision to travel for me at that time. I tell everyone now that if you feel you need to be there, go and worry about the money later. We have since been in a position to catch up on bills and we are doing OK and I would never have forgiven myself for not being with him that week.

 

[minkydog]

I can't tell you how much it would bother me if my DH gave me a hard time about being with my Mom when she needed me. Is it the money that's he's worried about.?

When my Dad was in cancer treatment I put a flight from FL to MA on my credit card to go spend a week with him and my Mom. It was tough financially but even though he wasn't in any immediate danger (regular radiation and chemo) I wanted to go. Three days after I returned home he had a massive heart attack and died. I can't tell you how glad I am that I did not let finances make the decision to travel for me at that time. I tell everyone now that if you feel you need to be there, go and worry about the money later. We have since been in a position to catch up on bills and we are doing OK and I would never have forgiven myself for not being with him that week.

I agree with this. My dad suddenly got ill and was taken to the hospital 8 hours from my home. I wanted to go immediately, but DH didn't want to go and didn't want me to go. I went anyway and took my 10yo daughter. My 16yo son decided not to go. By the time we got there, Dad had had a massive heart attack and a 4-way bypass. He remained unconscious for days. DH decided he and DS16 would wait and come the next week. I begged him to come--I'm a nurse, I knew Dad would not survive this. Fortunately, Dad did wake up before he died--for 2 days. DD was able to see him one last time. DS never saw him again.

DH has always regretted not dropping everything to be by my side when I really needed him and DS feels guilty that he had the chance to go and didn't. And of course, there are no do-overs. It's sad.

 

[TupperMom7]

I ended up going with my Mom and sister. My Mom has a melanoma on her eyelid this time. Four years ago it was the same eye, but the melanoma was on her eyeball up under her eyelid. The Dr. said it just takes one cell to remain for it to spread and that 50% of all patients have a reoccurance. They could not do the surgery this week though because my Mom did not have any pre-op testing done. So back home we came. She has to have a physical and EKG, blood work with liver screening, and an MRI to make sure it has not spread.
Then she has to go back next week for surgery which creates another whole saga of whether I should go or not. My other sister may end up going this time, which would probably make it too crowded. There are only two beds in the motel room and my Mom cannot sleep with anyone in the bed with her, so there would not be enough room for four people. My employer is having scheduling conflicts if I have to take the days off. I do not get paid for days off, not a financial burden, but I just wanted to mention that it is not like a normal job where you get paid for sick time and vacation time if you take them off. My husband is being his usual unsuportive self and doesn't want me to go. I want to be there for my Mom, not hear it over the phone after she is operated on, but there just seems to be so many roadblocks. I know if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself for not being there - not that I can prevent it, but just to be there. Ugh.
There is one possibility, but I won't do it. I could ask my Dh to drive me down there the day of the surgery and then drive back. I wouldn't do that though because he'd complain about the cost of the gas and tolls, the wear and tear on the car, the traffic, parking costs, etc. and I don't think my sisters would want him there. I don't think they like him very much, which sometimes I can totally understand.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,



Sometimes men can be such self-centered babies!

This is definately the time to put mom first!

TC

 

[AnnaS]

 

[luvindisneyworld]

I would be there no matter what my DH said. I took care of my DGM when whe was sick for 2 years and my DH could not have been more supportive bless his heart he did know what a wife was for that period of time. He was there with me everyday and I would try to go home and rest and let some other family take care of her and they would be calling in no time telling me that she needed something and she wanted me to do it for her, she thought that noone could do anything right but me. I would do it all over again if i had the chance i miss her every day and so does mt DH. I could not and would not let my DH tell me he did not want me to go and take care of her that is just not right.
Just remember we all only have one Mom and she is not going to be here forever so cherish every moment that you have with her. The way I look at it they had us and took care of us and now is our time to take care of them.

 

[minkydog]

I think I would let your sister accompany your mother for the surgery and you can do something with both of them when they get back. Your mother won't need 3 people fussing all over her after surgery. One would be better. When she gets home she may need someone to drive her to the doctor or pick up dinner, so that might be a job you could take.

I have 4 siblings. We are scattered across 5 states, from the Outer Banks to Seattle, to Mississippi and South Alabama and North Georgia. It's virtuatlly impossible for all 5 of us to be together at the same time, even in emergencies.My mother lives in South Alabama. She has had some serious health problems this year. Although I have a sister who lives within 45 minutes of Mom, DSis is not really a good caregiver. She's not very sensitive, definitely not warm and fuzzy. THat's just the way she is. When Mother lost a lot of blood due to a blood thinner and was having some serious trouble, I decided to go down there. It's an 8-hr drive from my house. I'm a nurse, and I felt that I needed to hear from the doctors myself. My other sisters decided to sit that one out and wait for my call.

When mother had to have a colonoscopy a couple weeks later, I opted NOT to go down. I called on Insensitive Sister to be in charge and to stay with her for 24hrs. Dsis was really glad to be asked! It never occured to her to offer. She sits back and waits for someone to tell her what to do. So that was a learning experience for both of us.

My point is, it's okay to pick and choose which "events" you want to attend. Mom going to the doctor for potentiall bad news? I'd want to attend that one. Mom going to have minor surgery? Probably not. Mom having major surgery? I probably would, but I wouldn't expect my sister in Washington state to fly down for it. I WOULD expect her to come down and spell me off when Mother came home, however. You see how that works? Nobody gets mad and nobody feels like they're being shut out. Everyone has their little jobs to do and all the work gets done.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say you'd not forgive yourself if you didn't go and something happened.

That really is the primary focus. If something awful did happen, would you be able to accept for the rest of your life that you were not there because of >>>>>> (whatever reason)?

Can you take a bus, or some other form of transportation that does not involve your husband? Or, can you have a serious talk with him and let him know that this really is important enough to come between you if he isn't supportive of your need to be with your mother at this time?


This really is one of those issues where you have to do what YOU think is best for YOU.

Good luck to you and hoping for the best for your Mom.

 

[manning]

I ended up going with my Mom and sister. My Mom has a melanoma on her eyelid this time. Four years ago it was the same eye, but the melanoma was on her eyeball up under her eyelid. The Dr. said it just takes one cell to remain for it to spread and that 50% of all patients have a reoccurance. They could not do the surgery this week though because my Mom did not have any pre-op testing done. So back home we came. She has to have a physical and EKG, blood work with liver screening, and an MRI to make sure it has not spread.
Then she has to go back next week for surgery which creates another whole saga of whether I should go or not. My other sister may end up going this time, which would probably make it too crowded. There are only two beds in the motel room and my Mom cannot sleep with anyone in the bed with her, so there would not be enough room for four people. My employer is having scheduling conflicts if I have to take the days off. I do not get paid for days off, not a financial burden, but I just wanted to mention that it is not like a normal job where you get paid for sick time and vacation time if you take them off. My husband is being his usual unsuportive self and doesn't want me to go. I want to be there for my Mom, not hear it over the phone after she is operated on, but there just seems to be so many roadblocks. I know if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself for not being there - not that I can prevent it, but just to be there. Ugh.
There is one possibility, but I won't do it. I could ask my Dh to drive me down there the day of the surgery and then drive back. I wouldn't do that though because he'd complain about the cost of the gas and tolls, the wear and tear on the car, the traffic, parking costs, etc. and I don't think my sisters would want him there. I don't think they like him very much, which sometimes I can totally understand.

If I had the attitude your husband has the boss (wife) would give me a kick so hard I would be in orbit for a week.

 

[Planogirl]

If I had the attitude your husband has the boss (wife) would give me a kick so hard I would be in orbit for a week.

Tuppermom, you do what YOU think is right. Don't let anyone decide for you. And all my best to you and your Mom.

 

[shortbun]

I'd go but you should make the decision based on your needs. Your husband's feeling do have some weight here but it IS your mother. Tell him to suck it up if you need to.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I ended up going with my Mom and sister. My Mom has a melanoma on her eyelid this time. Four years ago it was the same eye, but the melanoma was on her eyeball up under her eyelid. The Dr. said it just takes one cell to remain for it to spread and that 50% of all patients have a reoccurance. They could not do the surgery this week though because my Mom did not have any pre-op testing done. So back home we came. She has to have a physical and EKG, blood work with liver screening, and an MRI to make sure it has not spread.
Then she has to go back next week for surgery which creates another whole saga of whether I should go or not. My other sister may end up going this time, which would probably make it too crowded. There are only two beds in the motel room and my Mom cannot sleep with anyone in the bed with her, so there would not be enough room for four people. My employer is having scheduling conflicts if I have to take the days off. I do not get paid for days off, not a financial burden, but I just wanted to mention that it is not like a normal job where you get paid for sick time and vacation time if you take them off. My husband is being his usual unsuportive self and doesn't want me to go. I want to be there for my Mom, not hear it over the phone after she is operated on, but there just seems to be so many roadblocks. I know if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself for not being there - not that I can prevent it, but just to be there. Ugh.
There is one possibility, but I won't do it. I could ask my Dh to drive me down there the day of the surgery and then drive back. I wouldn't do that though because he'd complain about the cost of the gas and tolls, the wear and tear on the car, the traffic, parking costs, etc. and I don't think my sisters would want him there. I don't think they like him very much, which sometimes I can totally understand.

I'm not liking him much right now, either.

Prayers for your mom. I hope you're able to be with her.

 

[okeydokey]

I hope your Mom doesn't know about your DHs feelings. I'd feel horrible if my Son in Law didn't think I was worth the gas money or the wear and tear on the car. I think you should the decision YOU want to make.