If I was anyone else I'd slap me silly...

[MomRN]

I guess I need to vent...cry...take action... do something.

Things are not going good at home and i don't know what to do, when to do it, or how I should do it. I'm in an enabling situation, and I need to get out.

Geesh, this is such a long story I don't even know where to start. Let's back up about 5 years since that's where the real resentment comes in. That was when I was in nursing school, found out I was pregnant, and my husband was unemployed. When the baby was born he wouldn't watch him when I went to school or work- the baby went to daycare. I think he had a baby phobia.

I wrapped my son up bright and early to get to clinicals at 6am. I woke up to feed him in the middle of the night. I figured out finances, I don't even know how, but my grandma was there to help. My husband was still unemployed.

Fast forward 5 years, my son is 4. My husband is still unemployed, but going to school. Yet, 9 of his 12 credit hours is on-line, and I'm doing them. I'm working full-time, doing his homework, maintaining the finances, doing the housework and childcare when I'm off... everything a single parent would do except I'm not a single parent.

The icing on the cake came this week, when the day I was out of surgery I had to pay my step-daughter to help my son with a bath (and gave him a bath myself everyday after that), continued housework when able... well, nothing changed. Then the cherry on the top comes when he complains that he has to get up early to go to school one day (he has to be there one day a week, at 9am).

I told him last year I was divorcing him once my son was able to talk well enough to tell me the stuff he does and I think that time has came.

For me, it's easy to cut the strings. We haven't been a "couple" for some time. We have grown into different people. Difficult to do this to my child though.

Anyway, I've found this board to be understanding and real, and I need a dose of reality.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like you've got the 'reality'...

Maybe a dose of

 

[PrincessKsMom]

You and I have very similar stories. I didn't leave and kick myself every day for having waited. For what, I don't know. Nothing has changed. In fact, things have gotten progressively worse. Leave now, don't wait, it won't get better and it will affect your son less if you leave while he's young. I'm now waiting for DD to go to college, then I'm out of here. Believe me, I know personally how easy it is for everyone to give advice when they're not in the situation. I wish I would have done what I knew was the right thing, instead of putting myself and my feelings aside for everyone else's benefit. It has benefited no one.

 

[momof1princess]

i am SO sorry, OP it sounds like you've been carrying a very heavy load for several years, and the time has come to let it go. i wish you and your son the best.

 

[handinpocket]

OP and princessK, HUGS, and GET OUT!! No one in their right mind would stay in that ****. I have a man that worships me, helps me clean house and takes care of the kids all the time. Everyone deserves that.

 

[Rora]

Good thoughts and hugs coming your way OP! You're doing the right thing by leaving.

 

[minniecarousel]

Oh, goodness! Yes, since you've done the work of a single parent, you may as well be one!

Take care.

 

[horseshowmom]

I guess I need to vent...cry...take action... do something.

Things are not going good at home and i don't know what to do, when to do it, or how I should do it. I'm in an enabling situation, and I need to get out.

Geesh, this is such a long story I don't even know where to start. Let's back up about 5 years since that's where the real resentment comes in. That was when I was in nursing school, found out I was pregnant, and my husband was unemployed. When the baby was born he wouldn't watch him when I went to school or work- the baby went to daycare. I think he had a baby phobia.

I wrapped my son up bright and early to get to clinicals at 6am. I woke up to feed him in the middle of the night. I figured out finances, I don't even know how, but my grandma was there to help. My husband was still unemployed.

Fast forward 5 years, my son is 4. My husband is still unemployed, but going to school. Yet, 9 of his 12 credit hours is on-line, and I'm doing them. I'm working full-time, doing his homework, maintaining the finances, doing the housework and childcare when I'm off... everything a single parent would do except I'm not a single parent.

The icing on the cake came this week, when the day I was out of surgery I had to pay my step-daughter to help my son with a bath (and gave him a bath myself everyday after that), continued housework when able... well, nothing changed. Then the cherry on the top comes when he complains that he has to get up early to go to school one day (he has to be there one day a week, at 9am).

I told him last year I was divorcing him once my son was able to talk well enough to tell me the stuff he does and I think that time has came.

For me, it's easy to cut the strings. We haven't been a "couple" for some time. We have grown into different people. Difficult to do this to my child though.

Anyway, I've found this board to be understanding and real, and I need a dose of reality.

I'm sorry for your situation. Obviously, you know that you're doing the wrong thing by doing his classes for him. How did he manage to get you to do that in addition to everything else?

I'm a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and pretty much always encourage people to see a counselor before making any major decisions (and it sure can't hurt in this situation as well, but I have to question whether he would be willing to put that much work into it), but this seems pretty clear cut. Five years is a long time for him to lay around and let you support him without him contributing to the marriage and household in some manner (if not financial, then by helping around the house), and he certainly doesn't exhibit much of a connection with his son.

I'm really sorry for what you're dealing with. I know the stress and resentment must be hard to deal with.

ETA: Let me add one more thing. It's really not a good idea to say things like telling him that you're going to leave as soon as your son is old enough to tell you what he does. That's putting that child in a bad situation.

 

[MomRN]

Part of the problem is "leaving" The house we are in was my grandma's and is tied up in estate right now. My dad and my husband both think I want this house, but I don't. What I want is a small, 2 bedroom apartment, with a bedwoom for me and my son. I should mention my husband is a hoarder of sorts, and so was my grandma. I need to be clear of the clutter. I need space, room to breathe. So, what I need to do is tell my dad I don't want the house and tell my husband that "we" are moving, as in my son and I.

The other issue is childcare. Working 12 hour nights is going to make childcare difficult. There has to be a solution to that though. I just have to take the steps to find it. I don't have any family to help me out. Surely somewhere or someone has an opening for nights though.

 

[MomRN]

I'm sorry for your situation. Obviously, you know that you're doing the wrong thing by doing his classes for him. How did he manage to get you to do that in addition to everything else?

The hope that once he graduates from college he will get a job. He's into autobody/mechanics stuff, which makes some courses unnecessary for his job function (ie American history, psychology, many of the electives). I do know it's wrong. It started out with me "helping" him, but I do not like to procrastinate and he does, and eventually it just became easier to just do it.

After this week though, that is the first thing to stop. And I don't think he'll get a job after graduation. He lacks ambition. Just took awhile to figure that out.

 

[horseshowmom]

The other issue is childcare. Working 12 hour nights is going to make childcare difficult. There has to be a solution to that though. I just have to take the steps to find it. I don't have any family to help me out. Surely somewhere or someone has an opening for nights though.

Who is taking care of him now, and what shift are you currently working? I think it would be very difficult to work all night (with him sleeping most of the time he's in childcare) and then trying to be up with him during the day (when he would likely be awake). I'm not too sure how you could make that work.

 

[xanphylus]

Leave now and don't look back honey! I am kinda on the opposite end of what you're dealing with. My DH's previous marriage was a joke. His ex walked out on him and left him alone with his DD 2 weeks before her 2nd birthday. She was and still is a pain, but trust me when I say DD is so much better off now. I mean really- she has me! I don't mean that to be rude or self righteous, but I know she is much more loved and cared for now than she was then and even now when she goes there for the summer. Give your son that chance, and yourself too- you will find the right person, and they will love both of you and do both of you a world of good.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree with the above poster...
Not sure how you could manage working 12 hours at night, and keeping up with a young child all day.

The only thing that comes to mind is to make finding work during day-shift, even at a pay cut, your first priority. I can see any other issues working themselves out.

Again...

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd say that if you are fairly certain you'll be leaving, start preparing now.

Start saving money. Save it in someone else's name if you have to...ie-your mother or a trusted friend.

A woman I worked with years ago was in a situation where her husband was unfaithful and she knew it, but needed to stay with him for a certain amount because of healthcare coverage for their disabled child. While she was still staying with him, she made sure she took all the extra $$ she could from the household budget etc. and she bought savings bonds in her mother's name. When she did finally leave him, she had a nice little nest egg. You might want to consider buying them for your child with you as co-owner. Or, if you have someone you trust enough buy them in their name and just hang on to them.

Open a savings account in the name of someone you trust and deposit as much $$ as you can to it during this time when you know you are leaving but haven't gone yet.

If there are things in the house that are sentimental to you (ie-pictures, jewelry, stuff like that) get them out now and store them with someone. Obviously you can't take big noticeable stuff, but smaller, less noticeable things could probably go without him realizing it.

In other words, you have some time to prepare, so prepare.

 

[dislaney]

 

[cm8]

I'd say that if you are fairly certain you'll be leaving, start preparing now.

Start saving money. Save it in someone else's name if you have to...ie-your mother or a trusted friend.

A woman I worked with years ago was in a situation where her husband was unfaithful and she knew it, but needed to stay with him for a certain amount because of healthcare coverage for their disabled child. While she was still staying with him, she made sure she took all the extra $$ she could from the household budget etc. and she bought savings bonds in her mother's name. When she did finally leave him, she had a nice little nest egg. You might want to consider buying them for your child with you as co-owner. Or, if you have someone you trust enough buy them in their name and just hang on to them.

Open a savings account in the name of someone you trust and deposit as much $$ as you can to it during this time when you know you are leaving but haven't gone yet.

If there are things in the house that are sentimental to you (ie-pictures, jewelry, stuff like that) get them out now and store them with someone. Obviously you can't take big noticeable stuff, but smaller, less noticeable things could probably go without him realizing it.

In other words, you have some time to prepare, so prepare.

,

 

[kaytieeldr]

And GET A LAWYER!!! Your husband is going to want alimony. Also maybe custody (shared or sole) and child support. GET A LAWYER!!!!

 

[Mermaid02]

And GET A LAWYER!!! Your husband is going to want alimony. Also maybe custody (shared or sole) and child support. GET A LAWYER!!!!

THIS!

Good luck to you and your son.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No wonder you have fistulas honey! Time to make some changes for yourself.

I am sure that it is going to be hard. He may get alimony & child support and your housing situation is crazy. However maybe that can work to your advantage.

The custody thing is another problem. That is going to be the hardest path to walk.

Hire a GREAT lawyer.

 

[DizBelle]

A cautionary tale to think really, really hard about who you choose to have a child with.

Best of luck to you...