I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[WDSearcher]

You are a grown up, while you'd like her support, you don't need her permission.

This is a great statement -- and worth noting.

I think it's great that the OP is thinking of all sides of this, but when it comes down to it, he's got to do what is best for HIM and what he thinks will save the marriage and family. If that's counseling, then that's what he needs to do. And if his DW has a problem with it, well ... then ... that says something important too.

I get that it will be difficult to explain the counseling and money but this isn't going to be easy on any level. What you have to do, OP, is decide which will be MORE difficult -- living like this or explaining why you're going to counseling. As the PP said, you don't need her permission to make that decision. And, frankly, maybe you doing something as drastic as counseling will shake her world just enough to get her to see that something needs to be done. Clearly she's not happy either.

 

[Buckalew11]

*sigh* you sound like such a nice husband to me.
I am not saying she is not nice but she seems so demanding and critical. It sounds like you walk on eggshells trying not to screw up around her. "If you would just use your head..." what? Her life would be better? Your marriage would be perfect? What??

I think "she" has to look at these things from a different angle so that "she" does not get irritated, frustrated or down on "her" spouse and marriage. So, her spouse went with the traditional flower of V-Day and bought something she would not pick out herself. OK. Now what does she choose to do about that gift? A) Be pissed off and make you feel badly because you aren't attentive to her and her likes and dislikes and needs 2) throw them away (like a spoiled bratty child) or 3) Accept them as a thoughtful present that her DH gave to her because he is showing her he loves her even though flowers are not really her thing?

Since I've been there every year for 22 years actually, I will say I chose choice three because #2 was out of the question because it would have been the last gift of any kind that DH would have ever bought for me and besides that, it would be rude and choice number 1 doesn't work to make either person happier or the marriage better.

Marriage, like everything else in life is full of choices and is much about attitude.

I just do not understand getting upset with your spouse because they did the wrong nice thing. Even if they know. So what? Save your anger for the real trouble. JMHO.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wouldnt want to keep it a secret. I may have misread the statement. I guess in my mind convincing her that I need to go solo would be as tough a sell as us going together so why go through that twice. I have looked into costs and our current insurance is pretty good on the issue. It covers 50% after our annual deductable is met.

You don't need to convince anyone you need help. Tell her you are going to the doctor and that's it. You're a big boy. This could be a great turning point for you both. Goodluck!

 

[mm_ja]

Again thanks to everyone for thier input and kind thoughts and words. It is time to head home for the weekend and do what we can to enjoy it. Hopefully there will be no need to post any drastic updates come monday. Everyone have a good weekend.

 

[chobie]

No
I don't get how people can't see both sides of this one. Some people are acting like their dh could bring them hot steaming poop with a sign in it that said " I knew you'd hate this" and they would pretend they liked it because it was a gift and that in itself shows he loves and appreciates you.

Indeed.

 

[Buckalew11]

Oh come on! We're talking flowers not poop!

 

[chobie]

I think its rather telling that people have gone so far as to call the OP's wife a ***** and he's ok with that. I might think my husband is an ******* sometimes, but if anyone ever said that about him to me, I would rip them a new one.

 

[auntie]

There is a big part of me that is feeling sorry for her. A young mother, working, raising kids, feeling like you do everything for everyone and nothing for yourself. Trying to make a holiday the best you can for everyone else.

Ya kinda lose yourself at times, been there done that.

Then it only takes one thing to set you off. Sitting alone on the couch eating dinner without the family is a cry for help.

She is losing herself and is taking it out on you. Help her help herself.

I agree. She is losing herself taking care of everyone else. First thing she sees is flowers that she knows..he knows..she doesn't like. How was she supposed to know there was another gift for later. That was your first mistake. She's feeling like you are another child..someone else for her to take care of. The things on the stairs..that you don't take up or down..which ever it was. A vase or the laundry.. She doesn't have the luxury of making that "mistake"..if she didn't take the laundry up or the vase down..things woulldn't be clean or you wouldn't have clothes or underwear in your drawer. She's wondering why it is "she's" the only grown up in the house who knows that things at the top/bottom of the stairs need to go up or down..they don't actually belong there.(anyone ever see that episode of Everybody loves Raymond..when they leave the suitcase at the bottom of the stairs ..waiting to see which one of them Debra or Ray brings it up..? Ring a bell for anbody..? ) While I have no doubt that these are simply oversights on your part, and certainly not intentional..that really doesn't get the work done. She's in the house with young children, and not getting a whole lot of help. The Valentines Day gift was simply confirmation that she doesn't feel appreciated or her likes or dislikes are really important. Now..did she blow that entirely out of proportion..absolutely. Only she's DEPRESSED..she's not going to shake it off..you've got to help her out there. ASK her what it is she needs you to do..and then DO it. Make her feel special..take her out..not the kids..just her. I think the gift certificate was a good start. Make some time for the two of you to re-connect. Make her feel like your Valentine..not an just someone you hand an obligatory gift to(again..not your intention..but that's how she took it)..and I'm thinking that what she thought..right or wrong when she saw the flowers that she doesn't like. She's wondering.."does he even know ME?". There's more going on than a gift she didn't like...and I have a feeling the OP knows that better than anyone.
______________________________________-

 

[CJBaby]

I agree. She is losing herself taking care of everyone else. First thing she sees is flowers that she knows..he knows..she doesn't like. How was she supposed to know there was another gift for later. That was your first mistake. She's feeling like you are another child..someone else for her to take care of. The things on the stairs..that you don't take up or down..which ever it was. A vase or the laundry.. She doesn't have the luxury of making that "mistake"..if she didn't take the laundry up or the vase down..things woulldn't be clean or you wouldn't have clothes or underwear in your drawer. She's wondering why it is "she's" the only grown up in the house who knows that things at the top/bottom of the stairs need to go up or down..they don't actually belong there.(anyone ever see that episode of Everybody loves Raymond..when they leave the suitcase at the bottom of the stairs ..waiting to see which one of them Debra or Ray brings it up..? Ring a bell for anbody..? ) While I have no doubt that these are simply oversights on your part, and certainly not intentional..that really doesn't get the work done. She's in the house with young children, and not getting a whole lot of help. The Valentines Day gift was simply confirmation that she doesn't feel appreciated or her likes or dislikes are really important. Now..did she blow that entirely out of proportion..absolutely. Only she's DEPRESSED..she's not going to shake it off..you've got to help her out there. ASK her what it is she needs you to do..and then DO it. Make her feel special..take her out..not the kids..just her. I think the gift certificate was a good start. Make some time for the two of you to re-connect. Make her feel like your Valentine..not an just someone you hand an obligatory gift to(again..not your intention..but that's how she took it)..and I'm thinking that what she thought..right or wrong when she saw the flowers that she doesn't like. She's wondering.."does he even know ME?". There's more going on than a gift she didn't like...and I have a feeling the OP knows that better than anyone.
______________________________________-

Great post. Most Moms can relate to "losing yourself."

It's so funny when you hear "husband's stories" and it makes the wife sound so ugly, but if the big picture could be seen, everyone would tell the husband to stop being pathetic and make an EFFORT. Why do some men believe that they should be lauded for the easiest of behaviors?

 

[Buckalew11]

I think its rather telling that people have gone so far as to call the OP's wife a ***** and he's ok with that. I might think my husband is an ******* sometimes, but if anyone ever said that about him to me, I would rip them a new one.

I disagree with this. I think the OP is just smart enough to know not to go there with people on a BB while he is venting about this. He's made it very clear he loves and respects his wife.

Ripping someone on the Internet isn't like ripping someone one in RL. I think he has tried to say that he doesn't want to paint her as amonster or that they have a horrible marriage. There are situations that are horrible, yes. I think you are reading way more into that than there is to read. JMO.

 

[TLHB70]

If that doesn't work, do you have a pastor you can talk to? I've found that many times just going in and talking with the pastor of our church is very helpful in the long run. But really, something needs to give here.

I was thinking the same thing. I know that our church, and several of the other larger churches in our area, offer family/marital counseling. I know for a fact that our counselors do not charge anything. We have friends using the service now. They go meet with someone at the church once a week in the evening.
OP that is an option.

 

[shortbun]

Great post. Most Moms can relate to "losing yourself."

It's so funny when you hear "husband's stories" and it makes the wife sound so ugly, but if the big picture could be seen, everyone would tell the husband to stop being pathetic and make an EFFORT. Why do some men believe that they should be lauded for the easiest of behaviors?

Because their wives feed into it. Some women are so grateful to BE a wife that they'll put up with anything and say everything is wonderful. I kissed a lot of frogs to find a man who is secure and knows me to be his equal. He knows how to keep me happy. I try hard to reciprocate. We're happy.

 

[chobie]

I disagree with this. I think the OP is just smart enough to know not to go there with people on a BB while he is venting about this. He's made it very clear he loves and respects his wife.

Ripping someone on the Internet isn't like ripping someone one in RL. I think he has tried to say that he doesn't want to paint her as amonster or that they have a horrible marriage. There are situations that are horrible, yes. I think you are reading way more into that than there is to read. JMO.

I disagree. Someone calling your love one a nasty name is something that should not be tolerated -whether in RL or on the internet.


Maybe you would be ok if someone on this board called your spouse a nasty name, I wouldn't. JMHO

 

[church72]

Oh come on! We're talking flowers not poop!

It's called an analogy... I think it was a great example considering there are many on this board who appear incapable of seeing beyond their own experiences – not to mention it was hilarious.

 

[chobie]

Because their wives feed into it. Some women are so grateful to BE a wife that they'll put up with anything and say everything is wonderful. I kissed a lot of frogs to find a man who is secure and knows me to be his equal. He knows how to keep me happy. I try hard to reciprocate. We're happy.

Yep. I think its great there are so many Stepford wives out there. Just don't count me as one of them.

 

[mjkacmom]

Oooh. I disagree. I'm not a fan of country music. I don't like it. I'm a BIG fan of chocolate; LOVE it.

I'm not a fan of beets, but I'm also a fan of chocolate - you wouldn't get me to put a beet in my mouth! Not being a fan of flowers means that she doesn't really like them, IMO. Red roses are my least favorite flower - I wish DH would get me lilacs, but he doesn't.

 

[Buckalew11]

Because their wives feed into it. Some women are so grateful to BE a wife that they'll put up with anything and say everything is wonderful. I kissed a lot of frogs to find a man who is secure and knows me to be his equal. He knows how to keep me happy. I try hard to reciprocate. We're happy.

I'm hoping you aren't talking about me but since I have said that I cut my DH some slack and he dosn't have to do everything perfect for me to be happy with him I just want to say this line of thinking is BS to me. Just because I do not tell DH what to buy me or tell him that I am not happy with a gift he gives me does not mean I am some desparate woman who is happy to "BE a wife". I jguess I'm just more easy going than some women.

I disagree. Someone calling your love one a nasty name is something that should not be tolerated -whether in RL or on the internet.


Maybe you would be ok if someone on this board called your spouse a nasty name, I wouldn't. JMHO

But if someone did call my DH a nasty name on this board, what am I going to do about it. Tell them that they are wrong, rude and please do not call my DH a name? Tell them I'm calling a lawyer on them? Tell them I'll report this post to Pete? There is only so much you can do. And as long as I know I'm married to a great man and your married to a great man, that is all that matters since your hands are pretty much tied. If it was real life I'd sock you in nose.

It's called an analogy... I think it was a great example considering there are many on this board who appear incapable of seeing beyond their own experiences – not to mention it was hilarious.

It was funny. Honestly, I found it laughable because poop is never a good present. Flowers are acceptable--not my fav either but they are acceptable.

Yep. I think its great there are so many Stepford wives out there. Just don't count me as one of them.

I don't think saying the OP is not all bad makes anyone a stepford wife. I guess I just like to think that I can cut my DH some slack and he'll cut me some too. I'm not perfect every single day of the year ya know.

I'm getting punchy and having fun with all this. I think I'll go before someone gets mnad at me over some Internet stranger's marriage problems.

 

[chobie]

I'm hoping you aren't talking about me but since I have said that I cut my DH some slack and he dosn't have to do everything perfect for me to be happy with him I just want to say this line of thinking is BS to me. Just because I do not tell DH what to buy me or tell him that I am not happy with a gift he gives me does not mean I am some desparate woman who is happy to "BE a wife". I jguess I'm just more easy going than some women.



But if someone did call my DH a nasty name on this board, what am I going to do about it. Tell them that they are wrong, rude and please do not call my DH a name? Tell them I'm calling a lawyer on them? Tell them I'll report this post to Pete? There is only so much you can do. And as long as I know I'm married to a great man and your married to a great man, that is all that matters since your hands are pretty much tied. If it was real life I'd sock you in nose.



It was funny. Honestly, I found it laughable because poop is never a good present. Flowers are acceptable--not my fav either but they are acceptable.



I don't think saying the OP is not all bad makes anyone a stepford wife. I guess I just like to think that I can cut my DH some slack and he'll cut me some too. I'm not perfect every single day of the year ya know.

I'm getting punchy and having fun with all this. I think I'll go before someone gets mnad at me over some Internet stranger's marriage problems.

I don't foresee anyone getting too "mnad" over this thread.

 

[CJBaby]

Because their wives feed into it. Some women are so grateful to BE a wife that they'll put up with anything and say everything is wonderful.

" I thanked him and told him how sweet it was that he even thought of me for Valentines day!"

(Bolding mine) I don't want to single this person out, but if the quote above is true (about her reaction to a less-than thoughtful gift,) I really find it sad, and not something to aspire to. I think the OP's wife reacted badly, certainly, but isn't there somewhere between yelling and celebrating lack of thought/effort?

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't foresee anyone getting too "mnad" over this thread.

I was going to fix all those and decided not to. Are you sure you aren't mnad at me? If you could see how I type, you'd wonder how I get anything spelled correctly!

CJBaby...I remember what I thought when I read that sentence also. I think it was something like, "Well, if he doesn't think of you on V-Day, who is he thinking about?!?"

Are you mnad at me?